Breakthrough From Sister With BPD?

[Zabava]

Finally talked to my BPD sister after 3 months of no contact.  She told me she is going to a therapist because she realizes her childhood has affected her relationships with people...I am hopeful for her.  

I still feel wary of getting too close...is that bad?  She mentioned sone of her usual grievances against me.  I would love to hear from others who grew up with siblings and BPD parents.  I feel like we went through so much together we should be allies, but at the same time we are both damaged and triggered by each other.  

[Turkish]

Do you in any way agree about her (your) childhoods, and might this be an opening to commiserate and validate? I've seen both here and on the Parenting board, "the one kid" who for whatever reason, remembers a different history than the other siblings. 

[Zabava]

We both acknowledge that our childhood was chaotic and our mother was abusive.  But my sister lives in the same town as my mother and feels I have abandoned my responsibilities by moving away.

She says she is "the bad cop" and I am the "fun daughter"  but here's the thing,  she has asked me to tell my mother she is fat and that her house is filthy.  She thinks this willl motivate her to move out of her house and go on a diet.  I think it will just hurt an 80 year old woman's feelings and change nothing.

My sister feels that  she has to take care of our mother or she willl look bad (not sure who she thinks is judging).  She thinks I got off easy because I moved away. 

She has no idea what it was like when she was rebelling as a teenager.  My mother would wake me at 2am because she wasn't home.  My mum would scream at me to wake up and listen for the phone while she paced the neighbourhood lookmng for my sister.  If there was no call she would be angry at me.  I was perpetually exhausted as a teenager between my mum and sister's fights and my parents insane behaviour.

I feel very angry about the time that was stolen from me. 

[Panda39]

Zabava,

I don't think it's bad to be wary of your sister, you've been burned in the past being wary seems like a natural response.

Your sister is blowing a lot of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) your way about not living near her and your mom.  I would try and ignore that.  I think it's more about her own unhappiness than about you.  Your sister is choosing to live near and take care of your mother.  That is her decision you are not responsible for her choices.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I'm sorry about your anger but I get it, I'd be angry too if I was blamed for what my sibling was doing.

Knowing your sister as she is right now - with her limitations, what kind of relationship do you envision with her?  What do you struggle with most when you get together?  Is it the guilting you about caring for your mom or is it more?

Panda39

[No-One]

She has asked me to tell my mother she is fat and that her house is filthy.  She thinks this will motivate her to move out of her house and go on a diet.  I think it will just hurt an 80 year old woman's feelings and change nothing.

I agree with you.  At 80, she's not apt to change much.  Insulting and nagging anyone, no matter what their age, isn't productive. 

It's good to hear that your sister is getting some therapy, but don't expect miracles.  You will need to keep your boundaries up and focus on communication skills.

You shouldn't feel guilty for moving away.  Does you mom have enough money to hire someone to assist with housekeeping and some care taking services?

[Turkish]

she has asked me to tell my mother she is fat and that her house is filthy.  She thinks this willl motivate her to move out of her house and go on a diet.  I think it will just hurt an 80 year old woman's feelings and change nothing.

There's nothing fruitful happening by playing the bad cop. My mother used to get angry and accusatory when she would visit and I offered to wash her coat which reeked of urine, cigarette smoke and mildew.  

I had to wash some gift PJs 5x (the last two times wth bleach) to get rid of the smell. She got them for my son. They just sat in her house in a bag.

[Zabava]

Thanks for your kind replies everyone.  Panda, thank you for reminding me about the FOG.  I don't know what kind of relationship I envision...I just know that I can't be close to her.  You asked me about what bothers me;  I have to be so careful not to offend her and can never relax around her.  She is very easily offended and perceives the world as unfair.  Basically, no one is more busy, tired or burdened than her and everyone owes her for her suffering.  She blames our mother, her ex, liberals, refugees for her problems.  She is increasingly paranoid and believes all kinds of conpiracy theories.

No-one, yes my mother could easily afford help but chooses not to.  She is living in a big house that she cannot maintain and has mice everywhere.  She is a hoarder of "family history"  in the form of furniture and china (lots of china).  She has never cleaned much and now it's too hard for her physically.  She can't be bothered to take the garbage out and it accumulates on her porch and back yard.  Every few months she hires someone to take it away.   But she's not unhappy and she is fully mentally competent and gets very angry if I try to get rid of anything.

Turkish,

I appreciate your candour.  Part of my sister's issue is feeling shame about the state of my mum's house.  Maybe I'm hard hearted but I refuse to take that on.  I spent countless Christmas, Thanksgiving holidays cleaning her house to make it sanitary to cook in when I was a kid and when my kids were young and visiting grandma.  Last time I was there last fall I took out 14 bags of trash.  No more.

I'm sorry about what you experienced with your mum.  Was she like that when you were a kid?

[JNChell]

Hey, Zabava. I think that it’s wise to listen to your intuition and be cautious. Turkish also brings up a good point about this possibly being a good place to validate.  Validation, I’ve found, has the potential to open up the flood gates. Be mindful and protect your boundaries, but if you’d like to be closer with your sis, give it some thought.

Your posts are intriguing. I listened to a podcast today that compared hoarding to narcissism. It was pretty interesting.

So, what is in your best interests given what you’ve described? Focus on you.

[Zabava]

Hi JNChell,

I'd love to listen to the podcast you mentioned, can you send me a link?  You're right about the power of validation.  I am so grateful to everyone in this community for the support and understanding I have received. 

As for what in my best interest...I'm not sure.  I'm not used to thinking about what is best for me but I am trying.   As you've mentioned I am wary and I don't want to let my guard down with my sister.  Truthfully, and I hope you won't think I'm a terrible person, I wish I could go full on NC with mum and sister.    I had a therapist when I was in my twenties who advised me to cut off all contact and I thought she was incompetent.  Now I kind of wonder how my life would have been had I heeded her advice.

The reality is I think the guilt of a complete cut off would destroy me, but I want to have a chance to heal.  I have been reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD and have been feeling better lately.  I want to keep feeling better and keep mum and sis from derailing my recovery.

Sorry for the rambling post and thanks for listening.

[JNChell]

Hey, Zabava. I’m sorry that it’s been a minute. I don’t know how to link the podcast to this forum. I have an app for podcasts and I’m not savvy on how to do that. The app is Castbox, so if you dig around you’ll find it.

It’s kind of confusing when we’re faced with deciding for ourselves, isn’t it? We’re not used to it. I want to tell you to not be afraid of it, and place one more foot forward. What you’re feeling is the doors opening to your healing. It’s uncomfortable because it’s not familiar. Does that make sense?

It will become familiar quicker than you think. Your mind and body, with your help, will respond to the positive direction that you are taking yourself.

You are not a terrible person for thinking your thoughts. I’ll be blunt in saying that your therapist gave you good advice, but only you know what’s best for you. I know it’s hard. I’ve been trying to adopt a mantra. It’s ages old and almost cliche, but it makes sense the older I get. I’m not growing any younger. At the end of the day, what really matters to me and my Son? I try to answer that question when I remember to ask it. It’s helping. Have you ever considered a mantra that is only for you? One that you repeat to yourself everyday? Just a thought.

You mentioned that a full break from your mum and sis would destroy you. Is that because you would miss them, or do you think that you might be very enmeshed with them and burdened by guilt that doesn’t belong to you?

Your recovery should be the most important thing to you right now. Keep your eye on the prize. You don’t have to cut mum and sis out forever, but if you need space to heal, you damn well take it. I know that you’re courageous, you’ve made it this far under duress. I know you’re strong because you didn’t break. Now, you want out of the madness. Just as you always have, only you can do that. If you’re ready, we’re here to walk with you. BTW, what’s your favorite song?

[Harri]

The reality is I think the guilt of a complete cut off would destroy me, but I want to have a chance to heal.

No contact is not the key to healing.  It is simply a tool, usually best to use temporarily as it does nothing in itself in terms of healing besides providing space.  If you don't do the work to confront the damage and heal the wounds, no contact is not going to do a darn thing.

You are doing the hard work Zab and you are making so much progress.  Like JNChell said, we are to walk with you.

 

[Zabava]

Thanks so much Harri and JNChell,

In my hopeful moments I feel like I am making progress and my perspective has changed a lot.  It is very validating to hear that you think so too.  I feel very privileged to be part of this community of survivors.   Harri, I hear you when you say nc is not a magic bullet.  Without the work of confronting the past it's just more stuffing of feelings and repressing pain.  JNChell, in this vein, my mantra lately has been inspired by a kids book about a walk in the dark, dark woods.  (You might be familiar with this since you have a little guy)  "you can't go over it, you can't go under it,  you have to through it..."

Btw I have many favourite songs, I really love Rufus Wainwright's version of Hallelujah.

Thank you both of you for walking with me.  Your support is keeping me on the path to recovery.  I feel unworthy but grateful.