My Goodbye Letter

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

After yesterday and this morning, I am just having reassurance as to why I am leaving.  Yes, the physical abuse is pretty much gone.  But the way he talks down to me constantly, is still affecting my mental health.  Worse is, I think that he sees it as okay.  I don't.

Dear _____,

I am sorry I had to leave like this.  I knew if I told you, you wouldn't had let me go.  I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.  My heart broke a few months ago for the last time and I have never healed from it.  I wasn't lying when I said Iove you and care about you.  I will always care about your well being.   I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life.  I didn't make this decision lightly and I thought long and hard about what I had to do.  They deserve to have us be healthy for them.  I will work out the details of the separation with you as best as I can.  I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
_______

I feel the letter is missing something or maybe beating around the bush in a way.  When I first wrote it, I was upset.  I had tried the neutral, non blaming approach.  But I also want to convey that I am leaving because of the hurt he has done.  If anyone can give me feedback, I would appreciate it. I plan to leave the letter on the table with my ring on top.

[Frankee]

After yesterday and this morning, I am just having reassurance as to why I am leaving.  Yes, the physical abuse is pretty much gone.  But the way he talks down to me constantly, is still affecting my mental health.  Worse is, I think that he sees it as okay.  I don't.

Dear _____,

I am sorry I had to leave like this.  I knew if I told you, you wouldn't had let me go.  I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.  My heart broke a few months ago for the last time and I have never healed from it.  I wasn't lying when I said Iove you and care about you.  I will always care about your well being.   I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life.  I didn't make this decision lightly and I thought long and hard about what I had to do.  They deserve to have us be healthy for them.  I will work out the details of the separation with you as best as I can.  I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
_______

I feel the letter is missing something or maybe beating around the bush in a way.  When I first wrote it, I was upset.  I had tried the neutral, non blaming approach.  But I also want to convey that I am leaving because of the hurt he has done.  If anyone can give me feedback, I would appreciate it. I plan to leave the letter on the table with my ring on top.

[formflier]

I had tried the neutral, non blaming approach. 

But I also want to convey that I am leaving because of the hurt he has done.

If anyone can give me feedback, I would appreciate it. I plan to leave the letter on the table with my ring on top.

Thanks for sharing the letter.  I'm going to consider this for most of the day, then hopefully offer some edits.

Something that jumps out at me is "picking a path" for the letter.  Blame or no blame.

How is blame going to help?

How is not blaming going to help?

How do these questions relate to the suggestions about letting him have "dignity"?

What are you trying to communicate by leaving the ring?

Best,

FF

[sweetheart]

Frankee sometimes less is more.

I remember when I first went to therapy some 30 years ago. I went because I was anxious and had had periods of depression. It quickly became apparent that the origin of much of my upset was my relationship with my mother.
I was living at home at the time, and after every therapy session I would go home and berate my parents with my new found insights gained from my therapeutic endeavours.

I eventually told my therapist what I was doing and he was horrified, pointing out that the purpose of therapy was to keep all my conflict, upset and pain contained within therapy.

If I remember correctly you have a T, maybe that is best most appropriate place that talking about the impact leaving is having on you emotionally.

I don’t think it is necessary to tell your h that he has hurt you, he will know this because you are leaving him.
Your leaving note should perhaps contain neutral information about access to the children, that you will be in contact when you are settled, that you hope that you can be amicable with each other for the sake of the children. And then just let him know that you love and care about him, that your decision is based on wanting the most stable, healthy relationship for you all you now and in the future.

The ring gesture is not in my opinion necessary, keep your ring, it belongs to you, put it away in your jewellery box, or sell it if you don’t want it. Try not to do anything that will be triggering for him and upset him more than he already will be.

Compassion and empathy for the impact that this will have on him is the best leaving message you don’t have to write.

[formflier]

Compassion and empathy for the impact that this will have on him is the best leaving message you don’t have to write.

Exactly what I was struggling to put into words.  Compassion and empathy can be especially powerful once someone realizes they are "undeserved". 

As you know, your relationship with your hubby is a lifelong one because of the parenting bond that you share.  You are taking a leadership role in changing the nature of that relationship by leaving.  I would encourage you to also take a leadership role in reducing conflict vice winning a conflict.

I'm not suggesting there will never be another conflict with your hubby that you need to "win" or that "winning" is always bad.  I am suggesting you be wise and reluctant from now on to make "winning" a goal.

How does that sound to you?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm going to utilize sweetheart's suggestion of "less is more" and formflier's questions about blame.

What do you think of this:

Dear _____,

I am sorry things haven't worked out between us and that I had to leave.  I Iove you and care about you and I will always care about your well being.   I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life.  I didn't make this decision lightly and I thought long and hard about what I had to do.  They deserve to have us be healthy for them.  I will work out the details of the separation with you as best as I can.  I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
_______

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat, I like that. What about replacing the line "I had to leave" with "at this point, I believe the only healthy option is for me to leave".

It implies that the relationship is unhealthy for both partners, and one is taking the sad but necessary step to a healthy outcome.

[Cat Familiar]

Great suggestion, Redeemed. Highly endorsed!

[Frankee]

I really appreciate the replies.  I think less is more is a good approach.  I keep trying to picture him coming home to find us gone and my letter.  I already know that alone is going to be very hard for him. 

I also agree that trying to convey that this isn't healthy for either of us is why I am leaving.  He said it yesterday, I am not his wife.  Who I am today is not who he married.  I agree.  I also agree that what he wants out of a relationship is something I can no longer provide.  I have to admit, the things he asks for are not unreasonable... in a healthy relationship.

I know I did my share of mistakes and I have my own faults.  I also know that in a healthy relationship, I should be able to talk to my partner about problems I have.  Not made to feel like I will be abused, talked down too, made to feel stupid, because of such things. 

[Frankee]

I am glad I am leaving.  He really got me heated over the phone.  I managed to keep calm.  Didn't get upset at all.  Below I am seething and silently counting the days.  4 more days I have to hang in.  Try so hard not to start a war.  Happy thoughts or any encouragement would help.  I am trying very hard not to blow the fact I am leaving his psychotic abusive a$$.

[DragoN]

Suggest that you don't leave shreds of hope for him to cling to:

Dear _____,

I am sorry I have leave like this.  I knew if I told you, you wouldn't had let me go.  I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.  My heart broke a few months ago for the last time and I have never healed from it.  I wasn't lying when I said Iove you and care about you.  I will always care about your well being.   I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life.  I didn't make this decision lightly and I thought long and hard about what I had to do. [They deserve to have us be healthy for them].  I will work out the details of the separation with you as best as I can.  I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Leave him a contact number for a lawyer or someone who will act as intermediary or he will be blowing up your phone and /or hunting you down.

[AskingWhy]

I am glad I am leaving...I am trying very hard not to blow the fact I am leaving his psychotic abusive a$$.

Frankee, it's empowering to finally be able to say this to yourself.    Good for you! 

[Frankee]

Frankee, it's empowering to finally be able to say this to yourself.    Good for you! 

You are right! Knowing I am really done has felt a whole new kind of free.

It has never been clearer to me now than ever before why people and myself stayed in the types of relationships.   When it's good, it feels like the one of a kind love.  Always just enough to keep making it seem like things are/will get better.

I agree not to leave any shred of hope for him to cling to.  The guy already isn't going to see it coming.  I know most have said no to leaving the ring, should I keep it?  I guess the idea behind it was to show him that this is not a ploy to get him to change and that I am really done.  I am torn. 

I woke up right after he left this morning.  3:15am.  To practice getting up that early on Friday.  Tomorrow my oldest leaves with his grandparents.

While I was crawling around in a small hoy and smelly area, scrubbing a floor and cleaning dog poop.  I kept telling myself to hang in there.  Only a few more days.  I have paid my dues.  I will accept whatever comes my way as a result of me leaving.  I sent a silent pray to whoever was listening, asking them to let my boys forgive me some day.  Out of all of this, what is the hardest thing is taking the boy's away from their home and dad.   I know they will still see him and spend time with him, but I know it won't be the same.

I am going to reconnect with all my friends and start building a giant support system.  I will need whatever help I can yo make it through.

[Frankee]

I made good head way so far this morning.  Went through the boy's things and picked out what I want to take.  Packed up some of my clothes and stuffed them in a tub under the houseboat.  I am being very careful to do it in a way where he won't notice anything is out of place. Trying to figure out what I want to take and leaving things I really won't miss or are easily replaced.  My clothes take up most of the stuff    I have a lot in storage.  I have access to the storage and I can retrieve those items later when I am settled.. assuming he doesn't throw anything out.

I feel like I did before in a way.  Numb, but not.  It is harder this time.  I am living on a houseboat I spent a year trying to bring down here.  I could afford it on my own.  I am sitting on the front porch and this is where I want to be.  It breaks my heart thinking of leaving it all behind.. It gives me peace in my chaotic mind.  I love it here.  But I know that my well being is more important than my address or materialistic things.

I am processing my feelings about leaving him, but more in an analytical way.  My mind is made up and any time I have a shred of doubt creep up, I remember recent things he has done and said.  I remember the incident at Mardi Gras and the day after.  I remember him pulling his knife.  It keeps me moving forward.  There will be a time where I won't feel these feelings, but for now, they are helping me move forward with my plan.

I know I am posting a lot, but just keeping a journal so to speak of everything I am feeling and thinking during this process is helping me now and will help me later.

[Cat Familiar]

About the ring, I'm not sure what is the best strategy. I took mine off after the last incident of DV, after things had cooled down, when I was sure I was leaving and I gave it back to him. I was "out" but he didn't fully realize at the time that I'd never again "forgive and forget".

I can see leaving it could be hurtful, but at the same time keeping it might give him false hope.

You'll have some grieving to do about lots of things ending, but at the same time, you'll likely feel a lot freer. It's good to post about these feelings as they arise. Writing helps.

[GaGrl]

My thought is that leaving the ring would agitate him unneccesarily.

Let your words of resolve tell him you are finished. You can decide what to do with the ring later. It is your ring -- not his.

[AskingWhy]

About the ring, I'm not sure what is the best strategy. I took mine off after the last incident of DV, after things had cooled down, when I was sure I was leaving and I gave it back to him. I was "out" but he didn't fully realize at the time that I'd never again "forgive and forget".

I can see leaving it could be hurtful, but at the same time keeping it might give him false hope.

We have had some discussion on the significance of rings in the marital R/S.  (For over 20 years, I yearned for my uBPD H to give me an extravagant anniversary ring while he bought a brand new car and motorcycle for himself, paid for a lavish wedding for one of his Ds, gave away a thousand dollars at a time for his adult children's "fun" money--while I got a mere trinket ring for our twentieth anniversary.  I was silently seething with the insult.)

I do think the ring should be given back to your H at some point.  The ring should not be given back in an angry way that might seem retaliatory to a man with a fragile ego (he might respond with rage), but a calm, non-emotional way to indicate that things are permanently over between the two of you.

[Skip]

I would write the letter to facilitate the most goodwill and the most respect (two-way) for the future - you two will be co-parenting for 15+ years. I would look at this whole event as a change in your relationship (co-parenting ex's), not the end of your relationship. There will need to be trust when you drop the children off for their visitation in the future. You will be looking for child support.  You may find the two of you dealing with a child who has been seriously injured, or becomes sick, or who gets in trouble.

There will a relationship of some type in the future and you want to get that off on the right foot... and of course, protect yourself in the process.

I plan to leave the letter on the table with my ring on top.

The symbolism here is important.  For you, its emaciation.  For him this will be "she wants to sleep with other men".

Celebrate your liberation with us and your family... keep the ring.  many women have old relationship jewelry re-made into "my new life" jewelry after the divorce.

I'm going to utilize sweetheart's suggestion of "less is more" and formflier's questions about blame.

Adding to the comments in the posts above (all great suggestions)... the colder the water you throw on someone, the more they react.  I might suggest the strategy of chilling the room temperature water over time will be safer and more effective.

When you left the first time, it was a bucket of ice water... that warmed up in each subsequent conversation.

This time, try room temperature water... and chill it just a bit in each subsequent conversation.

Let him adjust... don't "stun grenade" him. Let yourself adjust too. You will have mixed emotions to work through.

Here are some ideas...

Dear _____,

Dear _____,

I am sorry I had to leave like this. It's the only way I know how get us apart so that we can process all the unhappiness we are both feeling in the relationship. My heart broke a few months ago and I have never healed from it.  I really need space right now. If you respect me, you will let me have time to be alone and think.

I wasn't lying when I said Iove you and care about you.  I will always care about you. I'm not running to be with another man.  

I am not going to prevent you from seeing your boys. They will always be in your life.  I will work out the details of the separation with you as best as I can and as soon as I can.

I am doing this the best that I can, right now. I know that it is hard. It is hard on me, too.

Sincerely,

[Frankee]

I appreciate all the feedback.  I have received some great advice from different perspectives.  Skip did point out about me not running off to sleep with other men.  I went to "work" today and took the truck.  He flat out accused me of wanting to take the truck by myself so I could fool around with someone.  I did however use the truck for other tasks, the separation of our lives.  I am using a new phone from a different carrier with a different number.  It is making posting and reading a lot easier.  No busted up screen.

I think that looking at this from a different perspective will help with my transition.  We are still going to be in each other's lives because of the boys.  I guess I may focused on the short goal right now.  Getting out and getting on my feet.

I think I will keep the ring either until a more appropriate time or do something else with it.  It might add salt to the already gapping wound he will have.

When I did leave before, I did it a very abrupt way.  No time to think or plan, just act.  I am ready this time.  Making all the preparations I can possibly think of to make the exit as easy as possible.  I already opened a separate bank account, I found an open late daycare and saved a spot, cancelled my direct deposit, got my new phone with a new number and separate carrier.  Last time I left, he locked down my phone and I had to ditch it and now phone, contacted my counselor and told her my plan, told my work my plan, set up a time with my friend to pick me up, and already did my intake at the crisis center.

[DragoN]

Sounds good.

#1. Short term plan
#2. Long term plan.
#3. What happens if you know what hits the fan, need a couple contingencies for worst case scenarios. You know what you are working with , so that's up to you find the holes.

Post dropping the bomb, there will be chaos no matter which way you go about it. But,  stay focused on the end game. Peace without the BPD crap and should be fine.

#4. Record all conversations. You can use your cell phone for that. Don't bother telling him, just do it. Admissable in court or not will be up to the lawyers to decide.

Also, if he is violent...have friends that you can call and police. As well as some form of personal protection. Better safe than sorry. May not need it, but you won't be unprepared should you need it.

[Frankee]

I talked to my bosses this morning and they told me they would help with however they can.  I am really blessed to have such wonderful employers that genuinely care.  I am worried he may show up at my job and cause problems.  I said I would love to keep this job, but I don't want to make it hard on everyone else.  They said not to worry about that and they would keep me safe.

I am worried about what he will do.  I am trying my best to keep myself rooted in my current town because me life is here.  I also know that worse case scenario, I may have to leave temporarily.  I am praying I have a job when I come back.

The power is out due to a storm, hopefully it will come on so I can get some time to type up the letter.  Feeling good about my choice to leave and having a support system has been one of the best reinforcement I have had.

[Cat Familiar]

Having a strong support system is a testimony to being a person that people care about.   

[Frankee]

He got upset I was flip flipping about my job.  I got upset that they cut my hours and I needed money to support my leaving.  The day that I went to my boss and told him the truth, I realized they are giving me more than monetary value.  They are going out of their way to help me when they don't have too.  A big company that has tons of employees wouldn't care.  They would just care of someone can cover your shift.

Yes, I would love a full time job with insurance and benefits.  But what I need right now, is people supporting me.  

My H convinced me for a long time that people didn't care.  He's wrong.  It really infuriated me when he threatened to hit my PLEASE READ boss to get me fired (his exact words).  My boss gave me a second chance, my boss always talked to me about problems, my boss always did his best to work with my schedule and be understanding of the kids and school.  My boss has proven more to me in the short time I have known him, that there are good people who really do care.  I feel more loyalty to my boss than my own H..  and my boss is really gay so I know for a fact it isn't a ploy to "get into my pants" as my H puts it.

[Skip]

Do you have a final letter ready?  Can you share?

Are you giving him the name/contact info of anyone so that he has some way of getting information about his kids? You're dad?

I know you don't want him showing up at work or your parents house. He will be freaking out. Give him an alternate way to get information, otherwise he will go looking for it.

[Frankee]

Well... I just got my last shove that I needed.  I have not started fights or gone off...… Still managed to get gaslighted like PLEASE READ this morning.  It simply started with... hmm.. I knew a few minutes ago how it started, now all I can remember is he got angry about my job again.  Trying to get me to quit again, calling me a failure, can't understand why I can't find a better job, but freaks out when the job interview I had was at a hotel.. blah blah.. word vomit.. something.

I took a little bit from everyone's suggestions and tried to make it my own so he would know it came from the heart.

Do you have a final letter ready?  Can you share?

Are you giving him the name/contact info of anyone so that he has some way of getting information about his kids? You're dad?

I know you don't want him showing up at work or your parents house. He will be freaking out. Give him an alternate way to get information, otherwise he will go looking for it.

What do you think...
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Dear ____,

I am sorry things haven't worked out between us and at this point, I believe the only healthy option is for me to leave.  I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.  I was not lying when I said I loved and cared about you, but this was the only way I know how to get us both out of an unhealthy situation.  My heart broke a few months ago and has not fully healed from it.  I did not make this decision lightly and I have thought very hard about what I had to do.

I am doing this the best that I can, right now. I know that it is hard. It is hard on me, too.  

I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life and you will always be their Dad.  I will work out the details with you about the sepration the best and as soon as I can.

(Leave some sort of contact information so he knows the youngest one is okay)
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I feel I have to say something about not lying when I said I loved and cared about him (but using past tense in a way, he will pick up on it).  I am trusting my gut to put that in.  I want to convey that this is it, but I can't bring myself to let him think that I was lying about that the whole time.  I am doing it for my peace of mind, to let myself really accept I did try to the very end and even in the end I still cared about him.  I didn't leave out of anger, resentment, or even for revenge, but I did what was best for the boys and myself.

[formflier]

Frankee,

Good job on improving the tone of the letter.  I've got a couple suggestions

 I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you. 

I would shy away from this, because this is a  "cousin" to "it's your fault". 

I was not lying when I said I loved and cared about you, but this was the only way I know how to get us both out of an unhealthy situation.  My heart broke a few months ago and has not fully healed from it.  I did not make this decision lightly and I have thought very hard about what I had to do.

See how this is so much better?  You don't say "you broke my heart a few months ago"...you just state your truth..my heart broke.  Let him do soul searching.

I am doing this the best that I can, right now. I know that it is hard. It is hard on me, too. 
 

There is a hint of jade here.  He may think that "if she could only do better".  What if you said "I believe this is best."  Or perhaps..."I believe this is our best pathway forward towards a healthier relationship"

It stays inclusive...it indicates you want something better for both of you.

You are doing a great job thinking things through.

Best,

FF

[Skip]

I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.  

I agree with FF. Don't say anything that blames him. That will only make him (or anyone) to want to be heard and say - no its not all my fault!  This is human nature. If you want to keep this calm, don't blame or accuse. I know that this is why you are leaving, but trust us, there is no benefit to saying this and there is downside.

I'm glad you are leaving someone he can contact. He will be hurt and feel helpless and will need want to do something... anyone would feel this in his situati - this gives him an option.

One thing I suggested before is to say "I really need space right now. If you respect me, you will let me have time to be alone and think."...  Why?  Because this tells him that chasing after you right now makes matters worse.  So if he wants to make amends, he will have second thoughts about any stalkerish kind of relationship recovery.

[Skip]

There is a hint of jade here. 

I think its empathy. In all SET communication, the key elements are support, empathy, truth.

This is an ideal time to use SET.

[Frankee]

Quote from: Frankee on June 06, 2019, 09:48:47 AM
 I tried my best to help you.  I have tried to forgive you.
 
I would shy away from this, because this is a  "cousin" to "it's your fault".

I took that part out.       I am trying very hard to not place blame on him for this, but use the approach that I did this for both of us.

Quote from: Frankee on June 06, 2019, 09:48:47 AM
I am doing this the best that I can, right now. I know that it is hard. It is hard on me, too. 

There is a hint of jade here.  He may think that "if she could only do better".  What if you said "I believe this is best."  Or perhaps..."I believe this is our best pathway forward towards a healthier relationship"

You are doing a great job thinking things through.

I changed that as well.  I reworded it to eliminate the JADE for sure, had my fair share of that and don't want to end with that.

Okay, so a little bit of tweaking..

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Dear _____,

I am sorry things haven't worked out between us and at this point, I believe the only healthy option is for me to leave.  I was not lying when I said I loved and cared about you, but this was the only way I know how to get us both out of an unhealthy situation.  My heart broke a few months ago and has not fully healed from it.  I did not make this decision lightly and I have thought very hard about what I had to do.

I believe this is our best pathway forward towards a better relationship.  I really need space right now. If you respect me, you will let me have time to be alone and think.

I am not going to prevent you from seeing the boys.  They will always be in your life and you will always be their Dad.  I will work out the details with you about the separation the best and as soon as I can.
Sincerely,

(Leave some sort of contact information so he knows the youngest one is okay)
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This is why I come here      It speaks volumes to me when people all over are giving me more support and advice than the man that I was supposed to spend my life with.

I have been doing some self reflection on my current situation.  The amount of awareness to my current reality and self restraint I have been practicing these past couple weeks is amazing.  I am proud of myself.  Only couple months I had a couple serious breakdowns where I totally freaked out.  I mean just.. fell apart.  Now, I am feeling better about my choice to say finally say.. I am done for good.

[sweetheart]

   

The new version of the letter is so much gentler and kinder for your husband, whilst you have still made room for honesty and realness about what has happened for you.

Well done Frankee for being able to really hear and put into practice what the members have been saying to you. It takes a whole load of self awareness and emotional restraint to step away from the patterns of behaviour that you have relied on before.

[Skip]

It is a good note.

Anything you say will be hard... but this is a really good effort to seek peace and it should help cool a hot situation.

You have dome a good job of seeing that the anger that motivates you to leave is will help you take action, and the compassion you show in leaving, will help your family in its new and evolving configuration.