I can really understand why I stayed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Mod Note:  this thread was split from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336673.0

I appreciate all of the feedback, replies, and awesome words of encouragement.

One of the biggest perspectives I have gained is that I can really understand why I stayed.  It took my head and my heart to finally catch up to each other and agree it was over.  I had this feeling of such strong love for him and it was always reciprocated just enough to keep the hope alive.  

I saw a post somewhere that said a woman breaks up mentally before she does physically.  How just because she is laying next to you, doesn't mean she is with you.  Once the mind leaves, the body will soon follow.  I felt that described me very much.  

The night I was thrown down like garbage and saved by two kind strangers, that was the breaking point.  The night I had two people that knew nothing about my past, only what they saw, tell me that nobody deserves that.  And the fact my bph tells me that he doesn't understand how that night could had changed me so much, just because HE doesn't remember.

That breaking point was a slap awake and I started seeing and accepting things for how the really we're.

[Frankee]

Mod Note:  this thread was split from here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336673.0

I appreciate all of the feedback, replies, and awesome words of encouragement.

One of the biggest perspectives I have gained is that I can really understand why I stayed.  It took my head and my heart to finally catch up to each other and agree it was over.  I had this feeling of such strong love for him and it was always reciprocated just enough to keep the hope alive.  

I saw a post somewhere that said a woman breaks up mentally before she does physically.  How just because she is laying next to you, doesn't mean she is with you.  Once the mind leaves, the body will soon follow.  I felt that described me very much.  

The night I was thrown down like garbage and saved by two kind strangers, that was the breaking point.  The night I had two people that knew nothing about my past, only what they saw, tell me that nobody deserves that.  And the fact my bph tells me that he doesn't understand how that night could had changed me so much, just because HE doesn't remember.

That breaking point was a slap awake and I started seeing and accepting things for how the really we're.

[DragoN]

I started seeing and accepting things for how they really were.

Reality can be cruel and harsh, but becomes much  kinder when you are doing something to work with it to your own benefit.

If we tolerate crap, you will get more of it, as there is no compelling reason for the other to change. Adapting to tolerating crap is a lose situation. Not something that makes for a healthy life long solution.

There is kindness in cruelty although we may not appreciate it at the time.
Some learn, and others don't.

[Frankee]

Radical acceptance in its shining glory.  That was a huge problem in the relationship.  I accepted too much crap and acceptance of "he's like that because of his childhood".  I had such a big heart and I think I tried to play that he was my soulmate, the one man that "got me", accepted all my faults, my baggage.  That wasn't reality.

I have to say, fool me once.. shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  He is definitely the fool me twice guy in my life.  When I met him, I was recovery from a horrible break up.  I wondered, who could love me and accept me for where I am in life.  He led me to believe he was it. 

Now I am leaving and I don't wonder who could love me at this point in my life.  I love myself.  I love my boys.  I know that I need to do some serious self healing and reflection on my life choices. 

I am looking forward to my freedom and being able to focus on the boys and making a stable home environment for them.  I know where my priorities are and I have most certainly learned from this life experience.

[DragoN]

I just know that you can't choose who youbkove, but you can choose who you are with.

That is a fallacy.You choose who you keep around you and tolerate.

When you are in an abusive relationship, that is not love, that is trauma bonding.

The crumbs of common decency and all the wailings of the crushed BPD in their throes of "sorrow" and "please forgive me" blah blah blah...

You can print them out on toilet paper for what they are worth.

A better definition for Love is required.
And you get to define that for yourself.

Radical acceptance in its shining glory.

Wrong answer, huh?
Radical Boundaries 
I was right from the start. 

[Cat Familiar]

Any relationship, even a healthy one, will have give and take as part of the equation. What we who are codependents and caretakers need to remember is to keep that equation even on both sides. When it gets imbalanced, so do we.

[Harri]

Frankee:  

Radical acceptance in its shining glory.  That was a huge problem in the relationship.  I accepted too much crap and acceptance of "he's like that because of his childhood".  I had such a big heart and I think I tried to play that he was my soulmate, the one man that "got me", accepted all my faults, my baggage.  That wasn't reality.

Radical acceptance is not about accepting crap or abusive behavior Frankee.  It is the exact opposite of that when fully understood and implemented correctly.  a lot of people misunderstand or see the word acceptance and make the wrong assumptions about its meaning.

Lots of people have crap childhoods and never physically abuse, coerce, intimidate or terrorize other people.  No amount of child abuse excuses anything.  That was not radical acceptance on your part... that was enabling and perhaps pity.  

I do not say the above to be harsh.  Radical acceptance would say something much different than what you told yourself throughout the relationship.

I know you have other things to focus upon.  Please take another look at radical acceptance when things have settled and you have a bit of emotional distance as I think RA will be important for your recovery.

 

[Frankee]

A better definition for Love is required.
And you get to define that for yourself.
Wrong answer, huh?
Radical Boundaries 
I was right from the start. 

That is what I am going to religiously practice    I definitely know what I do NOT want in a relationship and what I do want.

Radical acceptance is not about accepting crap or abusive behavior Frankee.  It is the exact opposite of that when fully understood and implemented correctly.  a lot of people misunderstand or see the word acceptance and make the wrong assumptions about its meaning.

I do not say the above to be harsh.  Radical acceptance would say something much different than what you told yourself throughout the relationship.
 

I am glad that the radical acceptance was cleared up. My definition was fuzzy on what I actually meant.  I read about it once, but couldn't remember everything it said.  Radical boundaries is another way to analyze it, but it's right, I have more important things to worry about.

There is so much going on that I could write a book long post.  I actually wrote a few things out but then deleted them.  It is becoming repetitive and I see that as much as certain things help posting about, I also need to let other things be set aside temporarily.  My main goal is executing my plan to the exact detail on Friday.  The only detail I do not know what will happen is if the shelter here has room or they are going to ship me off to the next town over.  I know the shelter ladies will say it is for my safety and I understand, but I hope I can just lay low here.

There are times where I feel really bad.  I am doing all of this behind his back and I have done it so well that he absolutely no idea what is about to happen.  I really do care about him.  I did love him very much at one point and he once was a good man.  It is just no longer a good situation for either of us.  I am taking the necessary steps to move forward with a more stable, non abusive, and healthier life for myself and the boys.

[AskingWhy]

I saw a post somewhere that said a woman breaks up mentally before she does physically.  How just because she is laying next to you, doesn't mean she is with you.  Once the mind leaves, the body will soon follow.  I felt that described me very much.  

The night I was thrown down like garbage and saved by two kind strangers, that was the breaking point.  The night I had two people that knew nothing about my past, only what they saw, tell me that nobody deserves that.  And the fact my bph tells me that he doesn't understand how that night could had changed me so much, just because HE doesn't remember.

I can understand where you are, Frankee.  My uBPD H seems to be improving by small increments but by now it's like, "meh."  I don't really feel like investing too much in the marriage at this point.  Have I emotionally left?  Maybe.  As you say, "Once the mind leaves..."

Everyone has a breaking point in which one has an epiphany that changes everything.  I have been counseled on how to improve my marriage, but I am now at the point where I really don't care.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

Once I make my mind up, there will be no turning back.  Like you, I was vulnerable when I dated my H.  In typical BPD fashion, he love bombed me, swept me off my feet and I was married before I knew it.  Shortly later, I found out I was not the most important person in my H's life, but his young children from his first marriage.  His first W was uNPD, cheated on him, and left with the children to marry her lover.  In the children's absence, he idealised them (splitting them white and me black--the "evil wicked step mother"), put them each on little pedestals, and expected me to do the same.  These children are all adults now, and it's painful to know H would drop me in a second if one of his children asked him to.

And if your H does not recall what he did or said to you, it's because he truly can't.  pwBPD dissociate when they split.  They truly cannot recall what they did in a fit of rage or strong emotion.  My BPD has a very sketchy history of his unhappy childhood with a uNPD F, and he often does not recall small details of his life, even failing to recall what his own idealized children have given him for gifts.

Be strong, Frankee.  I wish you the very, very best.  You and your children deserve security and happiness.

One thing about a marriage or R/S with an NPD or BPD, you will see one coming from a mile away.  My current marriage is my second brush with a BPD man.  I now know what to avoid in the future.

Be well.  

[Frankee]

I am now at the point where I really don't care.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

Once I make my mind up, there will be no turning back.

And if your H does not recall what he did or said to you, it's because he truly can't.  pwBPD dissociate when they split.

Be strong, Frankee.  I wish you the very, very best.  You and your children deserve security and happiness.

I now know what to avoid in the future.

Be well. 

I have reached that point of not caring.  I am only caring just enough to make it through the home stretch.  Tomorrow is my last day here. 

I know there is no going back.  I have fallen to far away and have seen so much of what my reality is that I no longer can let it be my reality.  Everything in my life is where I want to be except him.

The day after he choked me out, when I told him it was over and I was leaving him, that was pretty much it.  I thought I could hang in longer, but once he pulled his knife after freaking out.. I knew I had to do whatever I had to get out safely.

I rarely ever think about my ex, but when I do.. he was also a narcissist.  Little man who thought he was 7 feet tall and could beat anyone down... I have been too understanding and empathic when it comes to certain people.  I have definitely learned a hard life lesson with a second failed marriage.  One I never wished to have learned, but all I can do is not do it again and keep moving forward.

[AskingWhy]

I have reached that point of not caring.  I am only caring just enough to make it through the home stretch.  Tomorrow is my last day here. 

Frankee, I am honest and sincere when I say I wish you the very, very best in your future.  You are doing what many of use cannot or will not.  (We have reasons for staying with our partners, wise or not.)

As I write, my uBPD H is preparing for an important business trip.  He is touchy and projecting his stress onto me with anger and criticism of me.  He has packed a music concert t-shirt.  It's one he bought with his adult D; he and this D attend these concerts like a platonic couple and buy these souvenir shirts as mementos of their time together.  H is constantly wearing these shirts, as they are a concrete reminder of his D's company, like a child's blanket (transitional object.)  As you know, pwBPD are stuck in early childhood with the emotions of children:  rage or contentment, these t-shirts provide him with a concrete reminder of her existence. 

www.changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/transition_object.htm

But I digress.

If you feel inclined, let the board know how you are doing.  If not, be well and BE SAFE above all.  Protect yourself and your family.  I wish you happiness and knowledge as your move forward.

Best wishes, AW

[I Am Redeemed]

I relate to a lot of what you are saying, Frankee,

I attributed and "explained away" a lot of my ex's behaviors to his messed-up childhood. I also tolerated a lot because I believed I was a messed-up person myself, who had made plenty of mistakes, and since we both were "recovering'' addicts (at least he was at first; he relapsed over and over and over during our r/s) I had some built-in empathy for some of his struggles, because I knew first-hand what it was like to be "not normal".

The rift began when I realized that I, though I was far from being an emotionally mature person, was at least interested and committed to becoming one, and he, for all his talk to the contrary, was not. He really just wanted to keep acting in the same destructive ways and keep making excuses for it, and then expect everyone to act as though it was not a big deal. He pretended to be on a constant quest to "get better" but he really was dodging every real avenue that would lead him down that path. Even worse, I let my own journey towards healing and recovery from my mental and emotional health struggles (substance abuse disorder, major depressive disorder, social anxiety disorder) get sidetracked by allowing myself to be caught up in figuring out what was wrong with him so I could love him into wellness.

That did not work (surprise).

I guess when it came down to it, I was just too ashamed to admit that I had once again chosen a partner that was destructive (yeah, not my first rodeo in an abusive r/s) and I did not want to have to say that I had two failed marriages. I wanted a miracle. In the end, I got one, but it wasn't the one I expected. It's a miracle I made it out of that relationship alive.

My breaking point was a particularly vicious attack that occurred early one morning when I confronted him about his meth usage. He was smoking it in the house. Our one-year-old son was in the next room. I don't remember exactly how the fight started, but I remember being hit, pushed, clawed, and strangled, and I remember punching him in the head and breaking my own hand. That was it for me. I was done. It took me a few more weeks to get the courage to leave, but in my head and in my heart, I was done the day that happened.

[Frankee]

Frankee, I am honest and sincere when I say I wish you the very, very best in your future.  You are doing what many of use cannot or will not.  (We have reasons for staying with our partners, wise or not.)

As you know, pwBPD are stuck in early childhood with the emotions of children:  rage or contentment, these t-shirts provide him with a concrete reminder of her existence. 

I wish you happiness and knowledge as your move forward.

Thank you so much for the kind encouragement.  It isn't an easy decision by any means with what I am about to do.  Last night was a night that would of in the past, led me to believe that everything would be okay.  This time, there wasn't any warm and fuzzy feelings.

He is stuck.  He doesn't see it, never will.  I seriously believe he didn't get the motherly love as a child and now trying to supplement the caretaker role from me. 

[Frankee]

I attributed and "explained away" a lot of my ex's behaviors to his messed-up childhood.

I let my own journey towards healing and recovery from my mental and emotional health struggles get sidetracked by allowing myself to be caught up in figuring out what was wrong with him so I could love him into wellness.

I made excuses for him a lot.  His childhood, the foster homes, jail, abuse, etc.  I believe it so much that I could save him.  I was special because he never loved anyone like me.  I thought I could heal his wounds with my love.  For awhile, it seemed like I could.  Truth is.. he has too many scars that he needs to heal on his own.  I can't do it for him.

I did not want to have to say that I had two failed marriages. I wanted a miracle. In the end, I got one, but it wasn't the one I expected. It's a miracle I made it out of that relationship alive.

It took me a few more weeks to get the courage to leave, but in my head and in my heart, I was done the day that happened.

My first marriage was supposed to be only.  That was a tough pill to swallow when it wasn't.  I never thought of doing it again, but he made me believe otherwise.

Even now with my lost love towards my H, I wish him no harm.  I still care for him and what I am about to do, breaks my heart to think about hurting him.  Doesn't change the fact that I am leaving.  My heart and head have come to an agreement on this choice and I have no desire to stay and continue driving myself into the ground for this relationship.

Today is my last day with him.  Tomorrow after he leaves.. I leave.  I sometimes think of how he is going to react, but then I set it aside.  Another downfall I had.  Thinking about his feelings more than mine.  I am trying hard to focus on what I need to do and how I will feel when I am free.