Passive NC, Passive-Aggressive?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The last time the kids and I saw my mom was 6 months ago.  She didn't really know who we were that I could tell but she was nice.  One or both kids being sick precluded 3 other attempted trips to visit her in the nursing home 3 hours away.   She is there due to her the natural and logical consequences of her own choices the last 30 years. One trip we made it into the neighboring county 45 minutes away,  I chickened out and we drove 2.5 hours home.  

I have written a lot here,  but I recently wrote a response in another (non BPD) forum to a question which asked how were you disciplined as a child. The responses blew me away.  

Like,  someone should have called CPS, she's a psychopath (not true), I'm glad you got away,  I hope you are ok,  etc.

Other responses were similar to what I got here,  and what my childhood friends told me, "you did enough, more than most," "I can't believe you kept in contact, etc."

And here I didn't think what I wrote was that bad.  Even my T had to center me,  and I didn't get a chance to really go into my childhood with him as I was going to him for advice when my mom lived with us and how to deal with it.  That was when she made false accusations of elder abuse and I took her back to her filthy hoard.  

This brought up, once again, my penchant to minimize (a survival mechanism I'm sure many of us share).

At this point, I never want to see here again. Also at this point,  especially given the visit in January, I'm not sure it would do her any good.  Maybe I'm done, like I felt 29 years ago when I was 18 and at the time thought about permanent NC. I couldn't even bring myself to go see her last year without the kids as shields.  
I'm not really sure what to think about myself.  

[Turkish]

The last time the kids and I saw my mom was 6 months ago.  She didn't really know who we were that I could tell but she was nice.  One or both kids being sick precluded 3 other attempted trips to visit her in the nursing home 3 hours away.   She is there due to her the natural and logical consequences of her own choices the last 30 years. One trip we made it into the neighboring county 45 minutes away,  I chickened out and we drove 2.5 hours home.  

I have written a lot here,  but I recently wrote a response in another (non BPD) forum to a question which asked how were you disciplined as a child. The responses blew me away.  

Like,  someone should have called CPS, she's a psychopath (not true), I'm glad you got away,  I hope you are ok,  etc.

Other responses were similar to what I got here,  and what my childhood friends told me, "you did enough, more than most," "I can't believe you kept in contact, etc."

And here I didn't think what I wrote was that bad.  Even my T had to center me,  and I didn't get a chance to really go into my childhood with him as I was going to him for advice when my mom lived with us and how to deal with it.  That was when she made false accusations of elder abuse and I took her back to her filthy hoard.  

This brought up, once again, my penchant to minimize (a survival mechanism I'm sure many of us share).

At this point, I never want to see here again. Also at this point,  especially given the visit in January, I'm not sure it would do her any good.  Maybe I'm done, like I felt 29 years ago when I was 18 and at the time thought about permanent NC. I couldn't even bring myself to go see her last year without the kids as shields.  
I'm not really sure what to think about myself.  

[I Am Redeemed]

Do you feel obligated to go see her, even if she isn't aware of who you are?

Do you feel guilty for not wanting to go see her?

If you don't want to go, and it is causing you much distress, you don't have to justify those feelings to yourself. That is how you feel, and it is okay.

[Turkish]

Yes and yes.

And yes, thanks. I struggle with my fixing/rescuing traits. Like I have to do something.

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh yes, the "I have to do something". As if there is no other option, because, well, I don't want to be a bad person- the dreaded, only-other-choice-available outcome of not "doing something". That's a little bit of black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that I fall into.

I really struggle with fixing/rescuing, too. I find that most of the time, these tendencies are really to fix or rescue something inside of me, not necessarily the other person. Like, I think that "doing something" somehow makes me the better person, or the more mature person, or whatever, and I can feel good that I am not a bad person, and I can feel that I have taken the morally superior route. I greatly fear being labeled or perceived as mean, selfish, callous, cold, self-centered, vindictive, or ungrateful. Those are the adjectives I use to describe how others might view me if I don't "do something", and I feel almost a compulsion to prove that isn't true...even if no one is really even thinking that. Maybe I am actually just trying to prove it to my Inner Critic.

[Turkish]

I still struggle about how much of this is me and how much of this is what I think others expect of me and how I'm "cool" with that or not. And if I should care or not, like when my mom's "frienemy" neighbor cussed me out on the phone a few years ago. Was I the bad son she implied? Had I done enough? Why did I care what this person thought of me?

[Notwendy]

Turkish- I admire how you have attempted to do your best with your mother. I also struggle between what I would want to do and my own feelings.

I think each website/board has its own culture. One thing I like about this board is that it does support us making our own decisions about relationships but it doesn't just make the pwBPD "wrong". This is because even if we did go NC, we still deal with feelings about the relationship. NC might distance ourselves from the person, but it isn't easy emotionally.

I don't do as much for my BPD mother or see her as often as I would want to if we were a "normal" mother-daughter pair. My emotional distance is due to her being emotionally abusive and manipulative in addition to my own tolerance and ability/willingness to deal with it.  I can't work on her part- but my part is something I can work on- where do I want to be on the full contact- low contact- no contact spectrum with her. The important part isn't just where I choose but how I deal with that.

Your mother may not deserve how you treat her. People have also told me that they would not blame me if I just walked away from mine- the few people who I have told a glimpse of her behavior when I was a child. I also tend to minimize- the abuse was mainly emotional- which is serious but still, we thankfully had food to eat, clothing, school. However, that is not the present. My decisions now are based on her behavior now.

In ways, my mother also is in a position that she created- her own children don't visit or attend to her as often as people "think we should" due to how she treats us - and they have no clue. It is hard to know they think we are horrible children but they don't know why we maintain distance and we just have to accept that.

On the other hand, it's not about whether my mother deserves to have contact with her children but about how I am able to manage my feelings about what I choose to do. It doesn't "feel right" for me to go NC. I don't think I want to see her, but I also don't want to let myself down. It's a strange balance of my own FOG and also ethics. I wish I could do more, but we are who we are- she's manipulative, lies, and basically uses me. I can only manage so much of that. I wish it were not this way,  but this is the mother I have and I try to do the best with it.

I know you do too. Mostly- choose what feels the best for you- although I think even the best isn't a comfortable place emotionally.

[zachira]

Turkish,
You are naturally struggling with feelings about how your mother has treated you. Over time as we are more able to, we become more aware of different aspects of how we were abused as children because it would be too overwhelming to face all the child abuse at once. It is so painful when your mother is elderly, which is a time under normal circumstances, where we would do everything we could to be with our parent at the end of life. It is so sad not being able to feel grateful for having a loving parent, and wishing we could do otherwise but can't because we have to protect ourselves from being too emotionally overwhelmed. Know that your feelings are normal about the abuse, yet recognize that others may say things about the abuse that are really overwhelming. Do you feel that you are being criticized in any way when others talk about the abuse you endured, that they cannot understand why you have any dealings with your mother at all or maybe others think badly of you for not going to visit your mother more often? I just know nobody can walk in our shoes for us, and each person who has been abused by a parent will do what it best for them, whether it is no contact, limited contact, on and off no contact. What helps you in healing and feeling less overwhelmed going through the challenge of saying goodbye to an elderly mother who abused you as a child?

[Turkish]

No one is criticizing me.  I'm too self- critical.  The only one who criticized me was my mom's former neighbor. 

[sweetheart]

Your title suggests that what you are considering is ‘passive-aggressive, maybe it is, maybe going nc now it is the only way you have left to express how you feel about what happened to you.


The positives now if you do go NC are that she is being looked after, she is safe, and the state can now take your place,  you no longer have to look after  her anymore.

This, if ever there is a right time is definitely the right time to be angry with her if that is how you feel. Maybe it is only now that she is being looked after that you can actually give yourself permission to express your anger at her treatment of you, and actually consider walking away for good.

[Harri]

She is there due to her the natural and logical consequences of her own choices the last 30 years.

Is the guilt or feeling of obligation a cover of sorts for the grief (and logic) that is inherent in the statement I quoted above?  Along with the grief and sadness of all that you experienced?  It sounds to me like a lot of things are surfacing, breaking through your tendency to avoid and minimize.

If you could do something, what would it be?  Realistically?  Look at her mental and physical status and ask yourself what you could do.  Then ask yourself if it is realistic (yes I am repeating that part) and if it is something you want to do.

Let's dig around a bit.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey Turkish, 

I see familiar things going on in what you said that reminds me of what I'm reading right now, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. The author talks about what is essentially the Karpman triangle, but she replaces the term "rescuer" with Caretaker.

Whenever the person we care about is a part of that triangle (i.e. your mom takes on one of the other roles), we feel that incredible pull to be in the role we always have been. I feel it almost daily with DH, even though we are separated now. I think there are so many natural things pulling you, yet you also have the dysfunctional things pulling at you too.

It's not easy. Feel what you feel.

 
Woolsie