Help to make the next step to leaving

[Hope1915]

Thanks for reading my post.  I've been in an abusive relationship for 27 years.  My husband was diagnosed with pa personality disorder 5 years ago.  I've been in therapy myself for a few years after a family member committing suicide in 2011.  Since 2012 and seeing a therapist I realized I was putting myself in the same place.  I've done a lot of work and stayed away from a lot of toxic people which included my in-laws which has come with a lot of smear campaigns  and alienation from friends and family.  It's been a long road.  My husband has seen 7 therapists and 2 dr. and when he is very angry, for being slighted, it can still last for days.  It has cost us our health, family and finances.  After all the therapy and knowing how to deal with toxic people please help me understand how to let go and accept that this isn't going to get better.  I'm on day two of a punishing ignore from my husband, whom I think is having an affair.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Shar:  Welcome to the forum.  

This forum is to help you understand your feelings in the R/S so you can decided whether to stay or leave.

Your therapy and your H's diagnosis are already a step in the direction to give you facts on which to make choices.  

The silent treatment you are being given is a form of emotional abuse.  Make no mistake about this.  Even though no punches were made, your brain/psyche can be physically impacted by the silent treatment.  The physical damage from emotional abuse is real.

The silent treatment is very passive-aggressive.

https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

Have you started a list of pros and cons about staying and leaving?  This might help.

[Enabler]

Hey Shar,

Welcome to  bpdfamily, I'm glad you're here even though the circumstances are clearly terrible.

In some respects you are in a fortunate position having a spouse that has a diagnosis, the cards are on the table and it seems like there's little in the way of question as to his diagnosis. 27 years is a very long time to be in this sort of relationship, especially where for 22yrs you had less clue what you were dealing with. Seeing a therapist is a great thing to do irrespective of whether or not you're living with someone with a mental illness, however, in the case of living with someone with a PD it's almost a necessity.

You've made some great progress making some positive choices about who you do and don't want to interact with. If your H (husband) is anything like my W (wife), he comes from a whole family of dysfunctional people and it's as much a family dynamic than anything else... 'family of origin' (FOO). Even separating yourself from these people is a painful process involving grieving the loss of what could have been a great extended family.

You mention an affair, but sounds like you're not totally certain about this. What makes you believe that he's having an affair and have you experienced this before in the relationship? What other behaviours lead you to reach the conclusion a divorce and new life is the best option? Are there children involved?

Look forward to hearing from you, it should be a long and wondrous journey of exploration but we're all here for you.

Enabler