Combating BPD Projection in Court

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Everyone,
I am moving closing to finalizing the draft petition for custody modification with the exBPD.  My attorney and I agree that the only reason she doesn't want me to have custody is because of the money.  Lately she has been accusing me of this exact thing, the only reason why I want more time with my son is because of money.  Has anyone dealt with combating bpd projections in court.  BTW BPD's attorney is the typical blamer attorney as mention in splitting.

[GaGrl]

Are you modifying what has been a temporary order?

[Newyoungfather]

If my state of PA I can modify whenever, there doesn't have to be a change of circumstance, so no its not a temp order.  I filed when my son was born and I had to gain time in increments.

[GaGrl]

Ah! Then you are in a position of showing the positive outcomes of your son having more time with you. The ability to proactively provide solutions is a big plus with judges. Don't get caught up in a litany of all her issues and behaviors and problems (but keep those in your back pocket -- they do have their time). Instead, phrase your son's needs for time with you in terms of his development and your ability to provide for his needs.

Do you and your lawyer have a concise statement for why you are seeking modification? Are you happy with that statement?

[ForeverDad]

Ex had child support mentioned three times, once for the divorce temp order, once for shared parenting time and then when I got full custody but parenting kept at equal time.  All 3 times she never provided proof of income and so was Gifted "imputed income" at minimum wage level.

Then on my last time to court I got majority time during the school year.  The order stated they didn't have incomes and so never ordered her to pay CS.  It was left to me to decide whether to go back for CS.  I've stayed away from court for the past 5+ years.

My point is that the social expectation, however merited or not, is that dads pay child support.  If you go to court listing seeking CS as a major item, there is a risk they'll think you're trying to avoid CS.  You will first have to document why more time is best, then once that hurdle is passed then address consequential matters such as that you become primary parent for school and doctor communications, and child support.

[livednlearned]

My attorney and I agree that the only reason she doesn't want me to have custody is because of the money. 

Money may be part of it.

She may also genuinely feel she's the better parent.

Wouldn't a response to her suspicion simply be, "I feel it's in the best interests of my child to have at a minimum equal time with both parents. I plan to continue seeking equal time because I feel strongly he will do much better having his dad be more present in his life."

[Nope]

In my DH’s custody case, neither party ever mentioned child support ever. Our L made it crystal clear that even bringing it up would get the one mentioning it branded as trying to avoid paying child support. Apparently his ex’s L said the same to her. For the final hearing his ex even showed up nicely dressed so she wouldn’t look dependent on the child support to support herself, even though she was single and only working a low wage job twenty hours a week.

The only reason we even got child support when custody changed is that the judge demanded both parties present their earning records to each other prior to the final hearing. Why? Because the judge assumed that ultimately she’d leave the kids with their mom and she was making sure their mom could get a modification for more money. So when DH got custody the judge didn’t have an excuse to not hear the modification request.

You can’t always win by taking the high road. But in this case that is exactly how you do win. Don’t let her change the conversation to money. It isn’t about money. It’s about the child’s protected interest of having both parents available and fully involved.

[mart555]

It isn’t about money. It’s about the child’s protected interest of having both parents available and fully involved.

But in this case (with a BPD ex-partner), leaving the kids with them 50-50 could be far from the child's best interest...  so wanting sole custody could be seen as purely about the money but it's not the case. 

[ForeverDad]

There's nothing wrong with mentioning to the court that you're prepared to step forward as much as needed with regard to parenting.  Sadly, most courts assume that mother will parent and father will pay and visit sometimes.  In our sorts of cases, we definitely need to make our position clear every time in court.  Don't assume the judge or magistrate will remember you from a prior hearing months before.

What I'm thinking is that Father would do well to also ask for what he feels would really and truly fix (or address) the problem long term... .  "Your Honor, I believe that our family circumstances require me to become the custodial parent, Residential Parent for school Purposes and Primary Parent with majority parenting schedule.  Failing having custody, I believe that having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status with equal time would at least improve the current state of parenting and our children's welfare.  (If there is conflict between the parents...) Mother has demonstrated that she is unwilling to cooperate and share, something I can do as a reasonable involved parent.  I am concerned that half-measures will be insufficient and the time spent on minor changes will continue enabling the other parent to further sabotage the relationship of the children with their Father... ."  Of course, long term solutions aren't handled in an ex parte filing but there shouldn't be any harm including it, though we're not lawyers here.

What that does is let the judge know father is not one willing to be a token father, he is stepping forward.  Also, it presents to court that if the court's usual minimal changes don't work, then father will again return to court to state what would work and again ask for real solutions, not patches on an order that's not working.

My lawyer once explained to me one reason why courts are reluctant to make big changes to an order, "Courts don't want to upset the children."  My response was, "What if NOT making big changes will upset the children?"

[Newyoungfather]

The other thing that is on my side is that the judge likes "educated, working fathers who want to be involved more".  I have a female judge who's in her 60's. I just spoke with my attorney and he feels that this shouldn't go to trial but with exBPD fabrications you never know.  I don't even have 40% custody although I have majority of the parenting time.  I am going for 50/50 physical custody, I have 50/50 legal, attorney advised me to do custody in stages since the child is still young.  I like the term my attorney used, custody is very fluid in Pennsylvania meaning that you can file anytime but there needs to be a grievance.  From reading the book splitting ex bpd has the typical blamer attorney, looking back I got just about everything I wanted.  I know I have to be on high alert when I filed for a custody modification, I am looking to invest in a body camera just for an added layer of protect, no audio recording just video..