Part 2: Unpdh moving out and wants a divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is continued from this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337206.0;all

The realtors just called me requesting tomorrow afternoon to sit down and discuss the strategy. I told them I’m flexible with the time and the properties and that they need to contact my husband directly and confirm with him. How can I tell people we aren’t on speaking terms?. I’m almost certain he won’t agree to meet. In fact, I imagine he will go out during the weekend. When he comes back, it’s with insults and making sarcastic jokes “are you homeless yet b$tch?.”. I’m blowing up on this emotional landlines every day

[snowglobe]

This is continued from this thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337206.0;all

The realtors just called me requesting tomorrow afternoon to sit down and discuss the strategy. I told them I’m flexible with the time and the properties and that they need to contact my husband directly and confirm with him. How can I tell people we aren’t on speaking terms?. I’m almost certain he won’t agree to meet. In fact, I imagine he will go out during the weekend. When he comes back, it’s with insults and making sarcastic jokes “are you homeless yet b$tch?.”. I’m blowing up on this emotional landlines every day

[Notwendy]

For the sale or to see properties?

I don't think you explain anything. Your H's behavior is his. He may also pull it together and be Mr. Charming in public.

I think what you said was just right. You can be flexible but please contact him. This keeps you out of the arrangement between him and the realtor. Let him decide what he wants to do.

You just show up and be cordial- this is business. You don't need to bring your personal issues into business.  I doubt he's going to call you names in front of them. If he does then that reflects on him.

If this is about the sale and he wants to sell, then he needs to show up. If it is about looking at properties, do you really want to continue with that plan?

[snowglobe]

For the sale or to see properties?

I don't think you explain anything. Your H's behavior is his. He may also pull it together and be Mr. Charming in public.

I think what you said was just right. You can be flexible but please contact him. This keeps you out of the arrangement between him and the realtor. Let him decide what he wants to do.

You just show up and be cordial- this is business. You don't need to bring your personal issues into business.  I doubt he's going to call you names in front of them. If he does then that reflects on him.

If this is about the sale and he wants to sell, then he needs to show up. If it is about looking at properties, do you really want to continue with that plan?

The meeting is about the purchase of the homes we have seen so far. He created his top list that he wanted to bid on, tomorrow they will come to discuss that.
I just heard him tell my youngest. As I was napping in my son’s bed “I never want to sleep or be anywhere new your mother ever again”. Nice parenting, asshole

[GaGrl]

You have first-person, irrefutable evidence (you heard it yourself), that your husband does not want to be with you.

He has now moved to alienation of your son.

Unacceptable.

You do NOT have to participate in the purchase and obligation of a new property.

Talk to your family/divorce lawyer as quickly as possible on Monday.

Do NOT be influenced by your parents. I'm not convinced their agenda is in your best interests.

Stay focused on what is needed to secure your and your children's safety and financial security.

[Notwendy]

I agree with consulting a lawyer before considering bidding on homes. Also your T to work out your feelings about this.

[babyducks]

I noticed this in what you wrote yesterday:

I got her clinical opinion on my situation, given physical and mental abuse (disregarding bpd) she advised me that it’s unlikely to stop, and this house sale might be something such as blessing in disguise, which will make separation easier if you will. As npd it’s also likely that if he doesn’t buy the house, he would fell like “winning”, which will make it easier to negotiate the settlement. She told me that although she respects my wishes to try and save the family, in her professional opinion, it’s my codependency and fears of financial nature. It’s not something she can work with to build a foundation on.

what do you think about this?    do you agree with her?    can you see her point of view as valid?

when do you see her again?

[snowglobe]

I noticed this in what you wrote yesterday:

what do you think about this?    do you agree with her?    can you see her point of view as valid?

when do you see her again?

No, I don’t agree with her, she isn’t the one living my life, paying my bills or treating my son. She is a human being with her own opinion on my life which she only sees a scratch of. I want to save my family, but a house and live happily after. At least until my kids are fully grown. If he does not buy the house, then it’s gonna he a different story. I’m seeing the P Monday afternoon for another two hours.

[GaGrl]

"I want to save my family, buy a house, and live happily ever after."

In your current situation, this is magical thinking.

Are you still focused on the list you made?

[boatingwoman]

You can’t save your family. How would that happen when you are married to someone who wants to bash your face in?

[Notwendy]

Several of us have encouraged you to take steps to become financially less tied to your husband’s inconsistent decisions in order to bring a hope of stability to you and your children. However it seems that what you want more is to purchase another home with him and continue to be at his whim.

This is a choice you can make. You are correct- none of us including your T are walking in your shoes.

Yet- I don’t know of any way to turn an emotionally unstable person into the reliable person you want your H to be. I don’t know how to turn a man who says he doesn’t want to speak to you and that he wants to punch you in the face into a loving husband.

From your posts - it seems to me that you choose this man no matter what and no matter what cost to you emotionally. You can make that choice. I do think that you need to radically accept the person that he is - the good aspects and those you don’t like. We can’t change another person- we can only change ourselves.

Change involves risk. You know that acting on the changes you posted on your list and suggestions made here may lead to something better- or not. You do know the result of doing what you have been doing : appeasing, massaging, fulfilling sexual wishes and letting him express hostility to you. It sometimes gets results. It’s held your family intact albeit with some chaos and stress- so far. Even at what seems like a great cost to you - families function in certain ways - sometimes dysfunctional ways.

I watched my father make the choice to appease and caretaker  a seriously BPD affected spouse at a large emotional and financial cost to him. At times he contemplated leaving or even saying no to her. It was difficult either way. But he chose appeasement. Was it the better decision ? That’s not my place to say. I don’t walk in his shoes or yours.

This board is here to support you either way, but it seems futile to advise you on how to achieve some freedom from your Hs control when that isn’t the path you choose to take.

[babyducks]

No, I don’t agree with her, she isn’t the one living my life, paying my bills or treating my son. She is a human being with her own opinion on my life which she only sees a scratch of. I want to save my family, but a house and live happily after. At least until my kids are fully grown. If he does not buy the house, then it’s gonna he a different story. I’m seeing the P Monday afternoon for another two hours.

snowglobe,

I find myself in agreement with the therapist.    with your husband being untreated for his mental health and addictions issues, and you barely treated for codependency and trauma issues,  neither one of you can regulate your emotions well enough to function as a team.

it would be nice if you could save your family, buy a house and live happily after.   however without one of you having a stable mental health foundation,  it appears that is unlikely to happen.

I know it's difficult.  I know it's hard.   I would encourage you, as many others have, to work to create a firm stable foundation for you first.   and then include your husband if that is possible.

that means addressing your trauma and dependency regularly, not just when in crisis mode.    that means honestly facing your own issues so they don't become a trigger to constant panic.   for the marriage to survive, one of you has to be a stabilizing force.    that's you.     not him.    you.

'ducks

[formflier]

"I want to save my family, buy a house, and live happily ever after."

In your current situation, this is magical thinking.

Are you still focused on the list you made?

Snowglobe,

Please consider this quote and respond directly to it.   

I agree this is magical thinking.

There are no guarantees in life, yet I can't imagine ANY scenario where all three of these things come true.

I can imagine a house being bought and I think the result is the other two things "going further away".

I can imagine several scenarios where you save your family and live happily ever after.  All of those...ALL OF THOSE require YOU to be financially independent of your husband.  Once YOU take that tool away from him, you have a chance at saving your family and living happily ever after. 

A chance.

What do you think of those two pathways?  Which pathway do you want to walk down?

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Snowglobe, in your previous thread, you say you “don’t trust your partner.” Yet you sound willing to let him have your share of the money from the sale of your previous house to invest in a home that would possibly be more than the two of you could afford.

Can you help me make sense of your thinking process here?

[formflier]

Snowglobe

How are your studies coming?  Wishing you the best.  How are you doing with self care?

FF

[snowglobe]

Hi guys,
I’ve been attending lectures and making notes, planning to catch up on the reading this weekend. It’s also my d birthday and I’m anticipating disregulation. Ubpdh is already exhibiting some symptoms of it. His npd has been on a rise lately, the only time I had off was when he ate 16 prescription amphetamine pills while working and driving long distance for daughter’s competition outside of the city. Does it make me a terrible person that I prefer him high? He is nice, considerate, patient, generous and agreeable. All the things he is not 99.9% of the time. We are again, low balling on the house offer, this is. Third attempt. With each offer he is getting disheartened and slowly realizes he had made a mistake with rushing into the sale. It’s neither seller nor buyers market, buyers like us low ball and the sellers are holding firm.
With the sale of the current home, as if a string that was holding us together had snapped. At least for me. If we don’t buy a house, I won’t be moving into rental with ubpdh, not because we actually sold, but because he forced me to do something I didn’t want to do. For the way he had been treating me for the past whatever years, for the fact that there is no basic respect coming from him. I no longer believe I’m not worthy of love, respect or consideration. Irrelevant of my triggers with the sale of the home, I had expressed that I was not comfortable with the sale and would not move into rental. Ubpdh assured me that it won’t be a problem as it’s easy to buy a new and better home for our family. I’m standing at the road fork, and my life will change one way or another in one month’s time

[formflier]

  but because he forced me to do something I didn’t want to do. 

How did he remove your choice in the matter?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

How did he remove your choice in the matter?

Best,

FF

It’s not that he “removed” my choice, but made my life so difficult, ugly, chaotic and unpredictable that I chose to sell and either move into a better circumstances or separate from him.

[GaGrl]

OK, so accept that favoring to his pressure and demands is on you.I

Moving forward, how can you protect yourself.

I am very concerned that you understand EXACTLY how the proceeds of the sale of your house will be disbursed.

What is your understanding of this "trust"?

[Enabler]

What is your understanding of this "trust"?

IMPORTANT

[snowglobe]

The Lawyer will be holding the proceeds until he receives instructions from both of us. Without both signatures, the proceeds are going to be stuck on lawyers account

[snowglobe]

IMPORTANT

Why are you trying to show me? Instead of asking an ambiguous question, why don’t you just come out and say what you mean

[formflier]

It’s not that he “removed” my choice, but made my life so difficult, ugly, chaotic and unpredictable that I chose to sell and either move into a better circumstances or separate from him.

Oh..so he didn't force you to do anything?  You have chosen the path that you are on?

Important to get this right!

Best,

FF

[formflier]

  Without both signatures, the proceeds are going to be stuck on lawyers account

Do you have this in writing from the lawyer?  Is the lawyer aware of your family dynamics and your concerns about this?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Why are you trying to show me? Instead of asking an ambiguous question, why don’t you just come out and say what you mean

Certainly not speaking for anyone else.  I often ask questions like this when it's obvious someone needs to think through for themselves a very important concept.

It's not what FF or Enabler understands that matters.  It's what snowglobe understands!

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I no longer believe I’m not worthy of love, respect or consideration.

I hope you can hold on to this. You are worthy of love, respect, and consideration- just as any other human being is. You aren't "less" than he is or anyone. You don't need to allow anyone to treat you poorly.

It's not "wrong" to prefer him high but also it is an artificial and temporary state. He may be "self medicating" on drugs- they make him feel better for a short while,  but it adds to his erratic behaviors and mood swings. With drugs, someone doesn't need to look at their own behavior and deal with situations that make them unhappy. Drugs are a way to escape feelings, responsibility, and reality. This is who he is and what he does. Maybe he's easier to deal with on drugs, but the reality is- it's him on drugs.  

[Cat Familiar]

This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337716.msg13061028#msg13061028