NC/LC sadness

[podsnapG]

I‘ve spent two hours now thinking what to write... just feeling a bit lost and sad. My husband and I are recently NC with my uBPD sister-in-law and enmeshed brother. I’m thinking I ‘d like to be LC, but am struggling with how to do that. Many losses this year, and anticipatory grief for my mom, who I’m very close to. I was trying LC with them ... dinner at their house (without my H) I did okay there, stayed light and kept my boundaries. After that she left a message for my H - wanting him to call her to apologize for whatever she did to make him want to avoid her. I made the mistake of calling her, so she wouldn’t be left hanging. It was a disaster- my mantra “this is the way things are, I can’t speak for him, it’s better this way” got all turned around, I lost my cool and started trying to explain things. I learned my lesson

[Kwamina]

Hi podsnapG

How is your mother doing at the moment?

My husband and I are recently NC with my uBPD sister-in-law and enmeshed brother.

In a previous post you referred to your SIL and husband as oil and water. What was the main reason you and your husband decided to go NC?

I made the mistake of calling her, so she wouldn’t be left hanging. It was a disaster- my mantra “this is the way things are, I can’t speak for him, it’s better this way” got all turned around, I lost my cool and started trying to explain things. I learned my lesson

It might help for you to take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle, this can help you better understand the conflict/relationship dynamics and the role everyone plays in them:
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

It seems that you might have been viewing your SIL a bit as a victim because you felt your husband was leaving her hanging. In a way you stepped in the role of 'Rescuer' by calling her. What role would that place your husband in on the Karpman Drama Triangle? Can you see the dynamics at play here?

It can be very difficult dealing with disordered family-members, but tools such as the Karpman Drama Triangle can be very helpful, to analyze past interactions and also to prepare for future interactions.

The Board Parrot

[podsnapG]

Thank you, Kwamina.

My mom is doing better now in her new group care home, but still under hospice care. Her passing no longer seems imminent, but she is mostly bed bound and has conditions which could take her at any time. She is all there mentally, and is one of the most rational people I know- I feel very lucky 

In a previous post you referred to your SIL and husband as oil and water. What was the main reason you and your husband decided to go NC?

My emotional reservoir was tapped out when the last episode of them feeling hurt/left out occurred. After a bad several months of personal losses for H & I, and taking care of mom, it became all about SIL’s hurt, yet again. When my SIL and brother had melt downs about feeling hurt and left out, during one of the roughest, most hectic weeks of my life (moving mom out of our house) we’d had enough. We’d been through these cycles before, but this one was the last straw. Brother was angry at me at the end of every phone call, SIL keeping tabs on us to see if we’re avoiding her, loaded texts trying to induce guilt... enough! We didn’t know about BPD until right after all this happened. Once we knew and did some reading, NC or LC seemed the best way forward.

I had found a place for my mom near my brother, because I thought he needed more time with here before she’s gone, as he didn’t see her very often when she lived with us. I can see now I was trying to be the Rescuer to my brother. SIL the persecutor. Yes, looking back at past situations in terms of the triangle is helpful.

It seems that you might have been viewing your SIL a bit as a victim because you felt your husband was leaving her hanging. In a way you stepped in the role of 'Rescuer' by calling her. What role would that place your husband in on the Karpman Drama Triangle? Can you see the dynamics at play here?

I can see that - thanks for pointing it out! While I don’t see my husband as persecutor, as I understand his position, I did want to give SIL some kind of answer... so she wouldn’t persist with my husband. Maybe I was trying to rescue him, instead? I’ll keep reading about the Karpman Triangle and try to make it a part of my decision making, before I act/react.

[Kwamina]

Hi again podsnapG

I feel very lucky  

 

It is clear that things were really negatively affecting you. I understand why you would take certain steps to protect yourself and distance yourself from the negativity. To protect yourself and preserve your own well-being, it is very important to have boundaries in place and to be mindful of signs that things might be taking way too much of a toll on you. No matter the level of contact, defending your boundaries is definitely crucial.

A few days have passed since you last posted. How are things now? Any new developments with your SIL and brother?

The Board Parrot

[podsnapG]

Thanks for checking in, Kwamina,

I’ve continued NC - gives me a break to take care of myself. I still feel this NC weighing heavily on me. Since I last posted, my mom had to update her will, and she named my brother and I as co- executors. So I really do need to establish some contact to be prepared for that ... yikes!

My brother recently vented to my mom about me... said he thinks I don’t want to talk to him (I had actually replied to a loaded text from him that he “can call me any time” instead of texting!) I feel triangulation coming on! I don’t like that he involves my mom- she doesn’t need this. I don’t talk to her about this stuff unless forced  to explain myself, which Mom usually understands & agrees with. And she tries to find ways to mend fences, which of course doesn’t work.

I was thinking that planning a regular monthly meeting with SIL and brother at a restaurant (not my husband) might work . Something regular since I know pBPD like predictability. It will take all my strength to stick to my boundaries and not back down (e.g. going to a restaurant- not to their house as she insisted on last encounter)

Thanks again