Mom OK Apparently

[Turkish]

My buddy called me last night.  He was in the adjacent county and by happenstance visited the nursing home where my mom lives.

He said that she seemed happy and was making the nurses standing next to her laugh.  I said that when my mom was "on" she was very cool,  but when she was "off" she was very off.  He agreed.  I said she was medicated. He replied that she didn't seem "out of it." Too much influence from movies and TV for him. 

She didn't know who he was even though they've known each other for almost 25 years. He used to let her carry many hundreds of dollars in credit balance at the mini-mart he used to own. He cut her off at one point when she ran it up to $700. As per usual with anyone who enabled her, she eventually paid it down (I think paid it off) and didn't starve or run out of gas.  I would invite my mom to his house when I would visit him on weekends and bbq. Those were good times and I was happy to hang out with her and feed her well though a few times she'd get into her truck and abruptly leave, having taken offense at something someone said. 

She didn't know who I was when he mentioned my name,  nor knew her own name.  He said she seemed happy and doing well. 

I'm still not sure if I should go visit.  If it doesn't do her any good,  then what's the point? Maybe I'm an 

I'll think about it. 

[Harri]

What a good friend Turkish.

Are you relieved that she is doing okay?  Sad?  Happy?

If it doesn't do her any good,  then what's the point?

I am more interested in what is good for you.

 

[Turkish]

Why would I be sad?

I'm going to have to go chew a Milkbone or gnaw a deer now while I process that. 

I'm a big believer in do the right thing.  You'll likely be punished for it,  but do it anyway.  

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is here.  

[GaGrl]

Yes, anything you do now is for you and not for your mom. We were in the same place with my grandfather for the last two years of his life ( not dementia-- Alzheimers).

So do you need the reassurance that she is being cared for at a standard acceptable to you? That may be all it is.

Or something more complex?

[Turkish]

 When I dropped her off on the 5 acres over three years ago,  I backed out of the dirt road and thought, "goodbye mom, this is the last time I'll see you." She called me a few times, then others kept me updated, officials.  

Then I cleaned a few things out of her room at the strip motel, leaving most of it, and went to visit her.  She was happy to see me, but the thing that struck me most was that she seemed happy there surrounded by people. I think she was a reluctant hermit, perhaps one reason why she'd let people move onto her property from time to time.  

I took the kids to see her and she was very happy to see them, as were a lot of the residents.  A woman who normally sat in a wheelchair with her head down, perked up and smiled at then D6, reaching out to touch her. In 20 to 30 years I might be at that point, where the spark of young life, irresistible, flares a dying ember.  

The next time we saw her she didn't know who we were.  Yet she seemed happy,  at home in the one place she seemed terrified of ending up.  

Maybe I've done enough and I can finally rest.

There was a major gut-punch at work this week.  I need to refocus on order to remain stable for my kids.  

If my mom's ok, and out sounds like she is, then maybe I can be ok, too.

[JNChell]

I imagine that that was kind of hard. To hear from a friend when deep down you just want to see it for yourself. The flip side is that you need to protect your emotions and you might be walking into a situation that throws you off balance. Stay balanced, Turkish. I relate to you. We were kids once. We didn’t choose this. Take care of yourself.

[wendydarling]

While my 94Mum does not have BPD she is in a similar situation and I recognise much you say. She resisted leaving the home she loved for years and we thought boy this is going to be a difficult change. It wasn't! She loves being with her family there, she gets pleasure from people watching and engages has fun, makes jokes when she's not out of it. We were astounded. Her dementia came on quickly having to come off meds.

where the spark of young life, irresistible, flares a dying ember

is wonderful to see.

For me as Gagrl asks, reassurance they're being well carried for and safe is peace of mind.

If my mom's ok, and out sounds like she is, then maybe I can be ok, too.

Yes.

There was a major gut-punch at work this week.

sorry to hear this Turkish, hope you are ok.

WDx

[Harri]

Why would I be sad?

I don't know why you might, but I know I was sad when I broke away from my mom both while she was living and after she died and it was not because I was grieving the relationship and loss of a mother that I never had though those were a part of it.

I was also grieving from the realization of all the years I spent worrying about her and trying to fix her, living in fear and oppression, only to realize she was just fine on her own and was able to manage quite nicely and in some ways better than she ever did with me and "all I did for her".  It had become a part of my identity though I did not have the words to express it at the time.

No idea if that fits.  I am just poking around.   

[GaGrl]

Having a parent alive yet not able to recognize family is a sadness -- whether a beloved parent or not. It's just sad.

I am in a different situation -- my 94Mom is in reasonably good health and is cognitively sharp as a tack. She just can't see clearly due to advanced macular degeneration. So here  we are retired and moving into our retirement house, which Mom has lived in for three years already and knows what she wants and how she likes it, and is paying for a caregiver/driver three days a week. It was bound to be stressful under the best of circumstances. But it's what I want to do, until the caregiver and I can't handle it. I expect Mom to hit 100.

[JNChell]

The next time we saw her she didn't know who we were. Do you feel like any chance for closure is leaving with her mind?

[Turkish]

My closure is that she's safe and no longer able to get herself into trouble or be taken advantage of. 

[JNChell]

That sounds like closure for her. What about you?

[GaGrl]

My G suggested that I sit and my grandfather's grave and tell him what I needed to say. Of course, he couldn't respond.

If you were to say what you needed to say to your mother, what would that be?

[Turkish]

I don't think I have anything to say other than maybe writing it out in stories. 

[Harri]

That sounds like a great idea Turkish!