Just feeling so overwhelmed

[StressedOutDaily]

Things have completely escalated with our DD16 in the last couple of weeks.  She is continuing to hang with the wrong crowd, smoking pot almost daily and now she is out of the house in the early morning - jumping into cars with boys and leaving usually for the day to hang at the beach, or someones house.

We had to call the police to find her and bring her home a few nights ago - we were hoping that would be a deterrent to her ..and the boy(s) who home she was at - but no.  She was right back there the next day.   

We need to get her into some type of residential program, or wilderness program asap.  And how do you know which programs are good? How do you send your 16 yo Daughter, who you love with every cell of your body, to some unknown?  Will it be a good place, or will she be abused, will she come back with more issues then she left?  These places are so expensive - what happens if she is away for 10 weeks and then she comes home and right back with the kids we were trying to get her away from.?  We can't afford 2 years of theraputic boarding school..and moving her to the other school in town won't work - she is hanging with "undesirable" kids from both the schools. 

I feel so overwhelmed and helpless...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nevergupmom]

Dear Stressed,
I'm so sorry for your situation,  it must be difficult with a minor child, especially a girl.  I would take action and take it quickly.  I don't know what that means for you.  If you could find a place for her like a teen challenge they are highly reputable and will work with you on cost.  my son could never go there because of the scripts he was on.  If we could have caught his condition earlier, I would have done that route.  Drugs and BPD- make a bad situation utter choas.  Things often get worse before they get better, but they can and will get better. 
-nevergupmom

[Only Human]

It's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed, SOD, DD's never home, hanging with people you don't approve of, doing whatever she wants, and you had to call the police to find her. That would overwhelm anybody

In a previous post you shared that you told your DD that you expected her home by curfew and if she wasn't, you'd call the police. Sounds like you followed through with the consequence so good job. She may be testing you, an extinction burst? As you know, things usually get worse before they get better. By responding to her absence in the way you said you would, you've likely made some ground.

BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Are you and H still seeing a Therapist? Did DD ever begin DBT?

Hang in there, SOD! We are rooting for you and your family!

~ OH

[StressedOutDaily]

OH..

In a previous post you shared that you told your DD that you expected her home by curfew and if she wasn't, you'd call the police. Sounds like you followed through with the consequence so good job.

. Yes we did.  We had hoped that both she and her "friends" would be deterired by the police, but unfortunately no.  And...she had made sure she is home every night since.  So one victory!

Tonight she was at a party, the one nice friend who still talks to her.  We were suppose to pick her up at 8, but she left early and got a ride and went back to the other side of town.  Texted me to let me know, and said she would be home by curfew.  15 minutes before curfew - we get a text that she doesn't have a ride home.   This happened earlier in the day also, she went over to the house this morning.  So my DH drove over again to pick her up, she was waiting in the parking lot.  DH walked right past her, knocked on the door and spoke to the kids Mom.  Told her that he wanted to meet her, because DD was spending so much time there. Also told her that she was going against our wishes, getting high with her son, and we did not want her there again.  He gave her our phone # and asked her to call us if DD showed up again.   DD was mad- at me!  I got a text with very colorful language, accusing me of telling DH to talk to the mom.  But she didn't get dis-regulated,  we have noticed when she is high she is more mello.  I would prefer she wasn't using weed...but it has its good points, she is mello and fast asleep!

Are you and H still seeing a Therapist? Did DD ever begin DBT?

. Yes and No.   DH and I go every other week, and our T is available by text when we need assistance.  I love her!     DD has been seeing a DBT T since Feb,  but not in skills class yet...she goes each week, but is not consistently participating

NeverGiveUpMom - what is "teen challenge"?   We are working on finding a place that is the right fit for DD  and is one we can pay for

[nevergupmom]

It's a faith-baised recovery program, residential long term for self destructive behavior.  Don't know if they have the expertise for BPD or if it would be a fit for her.  Just goggle search them its worth a try. 
Nevergup

[Only Human]

she had made sure she is home every night since.

But she didn't get dis-regulated

Wonderful! It's the tiny little changes that can keep us moving forward.

Your DD is not happy that you are interfering with her life, yet she is an adolescent and you are doing what you can to help keep her safe. How did the other parent respond to your H's request?

~ OH

[StressedOutDaily]

OH 

How did the other parent respond to your H's request?

. My H said she told him that she told our D when she arrived earlier in the evening that she wasn't welcome and should go home, and also that she didn't smell any pot - he thinks she was just kind of BSing... 

Tonight was interesting... D was supposed to be at the local beach with her "friends", and as H and I went for our evening walk, found her sitting in the back seat of a car at the gas station.  3 boys and one other girl - not the "friends" she said she was going to be with.  I opened the door - said "Get Out Now" . the look on her face    The 3 of us walked home...D yelling at us the entire way... but she came home.  A little victory!
Later in the evening she announced she was sleeping on the couch in our family room.  Earlier she had texted me some BS story about why she couldn't sleep in her room.  H and I told her she had 2 choices: sleep in her room or sleep with me on the sofa bed (couch) . That set her off...she swore, yelled, ordered us out of the room, etc...  DH and I stayed calm and just said no.   After about 30 minutes she stormed upstairs.    H & I think she was either planning on sneaking out or sneaking someone in and was very upset that we were foiling her plans.   30 minutes later she stomps back downstairs and orders me off the couch.  Nope wasn't going to happen.  More yelling and swearing (her not, us) and she grabs her pillow and blanket and goes outside.  I called 211...talk with the Social worker on call.   D comes in and tells us she is going out for just a half hour...some boy is on his way to get her ( and its 20 past midnight).  Again NO... SW tries talking to her, and she is just yelling at all of us.  D storms upstairs again... H & I plan what to do with the SW(on the phone) if she does leave the house.   Fortunately we did not have to enact that plan. 
A little while later she calls me upstairs...she is sobbing and so upset. One boy accused her of cheating on him with another boy and told their friends, friends all called her a slut and hate her now...She is upset that she has no friends at all anymore ...I comfort her, validate her feelings...we sit together for about 15 minutes...then she gets angry again (but not nearly as angry as before), wants me out of her room...   
Poor kid, my heart breaks for her.

she is an adolescent and you are doing what you can to help keep her safe

Exactly!  I wish she was able to understand that.