Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 01:35:39 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Kids expressing concerns over BPDxw's boyfriends behavior - not sure what to do  (Read 397 times)
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« on: June 23, 2019, 07:03:05 PM »

Hi all,
Background: So I'm the non-custodial parent of two young children (3 &5), and my XW is the custodial. 

About a couple months after I moved out and filed for divorce, my XW started seeing some guy, and before I knew it, he was apparently living there, (in violation of the morality clause in our temporary orders... which she had insisted on).  He couldn't have known her for more than 2 or 3 months at the time.  I was concerned about this, because really... what kind of guy would move into that situation?  Apparently he works from home, and watches the kids some of the time & picks them up from school/daycare.  I haven't met him yet; there's been a few occasions she was going to show up with him - for kids bday parties when I had custody - but they never showed. 

Our divorce was finalized a couple months ago.  We've been co-parenting, not amicably exactly, but at least without a lot of problems, other than occasional miscommunications. 

Current concern: More recently, each of my kids has told me my XW's BF screams a lot and yells, and all the adults there (XW, guy, and XW's mother) fight, and they don't like it.  I'm not surprised by this, of course, since that was her M.O. during our marriage... she enjoys fighting and conflict. 

Then at a later visit, both boys told me this guy screamed at my youngest and made him cry when my youngest wet his bed at night.  I could tell by the way they described the incident they were obviously both very concerned by it.  That night when my youngest had an accident (he had a pull-up on, so it didn't wet his bed) he woke up screaming in terror that he was going to be in trouble.  Yikes.  Later that weekend, while my oldest was at his tennis lesson, my youngest brought the incident up again and also told me that the XW's boyfriend also jabbed him with the end of his phone charger while he was yelling and it hurt.  ! - the potential for physical violence now really concerns me.   

I've tried to calm down over this, because realistically there's not much I can do right now; I also tell myself that even I lose my temper when my kids get out of control or don't listen (I never use corporal punishment, but I will yell at them).  And I know that young kids aren't necessarily the best at narrating an incident, or remembering things (but I KNOW my kids, and I could see they were troubled by this...)

I spoke with a cousin yesterday who is a pediatric physician, and she expressed a lot of concern over this... so now I'm back worrying about it. 

I wonder what other people think, or have experienced when their ex-BPD spouse brings another into the equation.
  • Is the fact that this guy would move into a house of a recent divorcee, after only a couple months of knowing her, with 2 kids as big of a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) as I think it is?
  • this guy may have been the impetus for my XW throwing my ex-MIL out of the house (she was living with us, and helped with the kids)... another  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)?
  • he owns a gun; my oldest mentioned he saw it once, which lead to me giving my son a primer on gun safety.  probably not much I can do about this, since I live in a very pro-gun state
  • thoughts?  any recommendations for actions on my end?

I will have my kids more time next month; I plan on letting their psychologist know about these incidents (I wrote them down), and see what he thinks.  Until then, all I can do is monitor the situation.  I am going to have a background check on this guy though. 

obviously if I see any signs of physical abuse, I will take action.  But unless something like that happens, everything would be "he said/she said" in the eyes of the court. 
Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2019, 07:08:27 PM »

I'll add I brought up my youngest's bed wetting troubles with my XW via email, without letting on that I knew her BF had screamed at him & possibly physically abused him as well over it, and I got a very hostile response.  I was careful to be polite and not accuse her of anything, just brought up my concern that our youngest's nightmares over bed wetting concerned me and asked how she's been working with him on night time potty training; her response was not warranted by anything I said.

I assume this means she knows what went on, and her response is entirely concerned with defending herself & her parenting, without concern for what she might be putting our kids through. 
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2019, 09:34:58 PM »

Leaving a mark constitutes child abuse. I'd keep a close eye and ear to anything they tell you about hitting by hand or anything, then document.  It's hard to know at what point to play your cards here.  Do you think asking to meet they guy is too much? It's curious that it hasn't happened, though whether on purpose or not is hard to tell. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2019, 10:02:15 PM »

Going back to basics...is the co-habitiation against the court order? If so, what then?
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
40days_in_desert
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 245



« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2019, 11:07:17 PM »

PeteWitsend - I know how you feel as most here do. Co-parenting with a high conflict ex seems to be one battle after another with some periods of calm in between. Sounds like you're dealing with a classic example of the double standard. I bet if you went and found a woman that would move in with you so soon after meeting your ex's response would be met with 100% approval (insert sarcasm).
From what I learned regarding morality clauseS is that you have to prove that your ex is in violation of said clause. It's probably written something along the lines of "no adult of the opposite sex shall stay in the same house overnight that isn't a family member during the parent's custodial time". Proving this might involve either a confession from her (unlikely) or evidence from a credible witness with firsthand knowledge or possibly a report put together after hiring a PI. In other words you would either depend on her confessing, involving your children to tell on their mom in a legal setting or spend a lot of money on a private investigator. I think these morality clauses are geared towards adults who agree to uphold their word. This usually doesn't happen with exBPD spouses.
I would talk to your L about this and see what they say. Your L might want to focus on the actions described by your children more than the clause. I'm sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this. Keep us posted on any developments.
Logged

“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2019, 07:57:53 AM »

To be clear, the morality clause is no longer in place.

During mediation, she pushed to have it dropped, and I used it as a bargaining chip to get her to drop some other demands of hers.

It was obviously suspicious on her part, and I suspected she was seeing someone, but had no idea yet that anyone else might be living in the house.

my attorney also was not very good; he was against the morality clause from the get go, and so advised me to drop it.  He was also unresponsive a few months later when I first discovered she was apparently living with someone and called him about it.  I would not hire him again. 

I've seen another attorney to discuss challenging the custody order if need be.  I understand I have a hurdle to overcome here, and can't go in on mere allegations and hearsay
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2019, 01:47:02 PM »

Most family courts seem to avoid the conflict and concerns between parents, while giving more attention to the impacts on the children.  So what your ex chooses to do with her adult activities will generally not be 'actionable' since the impact on the children are presumed minimal.  You do have an interest in whom the children are exposed to, it would be concerning if such people had felony records or restrictions such as a DUI history.
Logged

PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2019, 11:05:00 AM »

So Maybe the way I "surfaced" my concern here (Post #2)  served to put her on notice, because my kids have generally seemed more even-keeled when I pick them up, and I haven't heard any more stories about yelling/fighting with the BF or XW.

Then again, this could be because she's threatened/cajoled them not to tell me things. 

I told their T about my concerns, and scheduled an appt with him that went well.  he said he didn't see any cause for concern due to their behavior, although they're not particularly talkative with him and mostly just quietly play with the toys in his office.

 So I remain vigilant, but my personal alarm about these incidents has gone down... for now.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2019, 11:12:36 AM by PeteWitsend » Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2019, 02:50:11 PM »

Do you want to get CPS involved?
Logged

Breathe.
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2019, 01:36:56 PM »

Do you want to get CPS involved?
no, not unless there's abuse (physical or mental)

I haven't seen signs of either, just have the stories from my kids regarding the adults fighting (not physically) among themselves & screaming at them.  
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!