Hi all,
Background: So I'm the non-custodial parent of two young children (3 &5), and my XW is the custodial.
About a couple months after I moved out and filed for divorce, my XW started seeing some guy, and before I knew it, he was apparently living there, (in violation of the morality clause in our temporary orders... which she had insisted on). He couldn't have known her for more than 2 or 3 months at the time. I was concerned about this, because really... what kind of guy would move into that situation? Apparently he works from home, and watches the kids some of the time & picks them up from school/daycare. I haven't met him yet; there's been a few occasions she was going to show up with him - for kids bday parties when I had custody - but they never showed.
Our divorce was finalized a couple months ago. We've been co-parenting, not amicably exactly, but at least without a lot of problems, other than occasional miscommunications.
Current concern: More recently, each of my kids has told me my XW's BF screams a lot and yells, and all the adults there (XW, guy, and XW's mother) fight, and they don't like it. I'm not surprised by this, of course, since that was her M.O. during our marriage... she enjoys fighting and conflict.
Then at a later visit, both boys told me this guy screamed at my youngest and made him cry when my youngest wet his bed at night. I could tell by the way they described the incident they were obviously both very concerned by it. That night when my youngest had an accident (he had a pull-up on, so it didn't wet his bed) he woke up screaming in terror that he was going to be in trouble. Yikes. Later that weekend, while my oldest was at his tennis lesson, my youngest brought the incident up again and also told me that the XW's boyfriend also jabbed him with the end of his phone charger while he was yelling and it hurt. ! -
the potential for physical violence now really concerns me.
I've tried to calm down over this, because realistically there's not much I can do right now; I also tell myself that even I lose my temper when my kids get out of control or don't listen (I never use corporal punishment, but I will yell at them). And I know that young kids aren't necessarily the best at narrating an incident, or remembering things (but I KNOW my kids, and I could see they were troubled by this...)
I spoke with a cousin yesterday who is a pediatric physician, and she expressed a lot of concern over this... so now I'm back worrying about it.
I wonder what other people think, or have experienced when their ex-BPD spouse brings another into the equation.
- Is the fact that this guy would move into a house of a recent divorcee, after only a couple months of knowing her, with 2 kids as big of a as I think it is?
- this guy may have been the impetus for my XW throwing my ex-MIL out of the house (she was living with us, and helped with the kids)... another ?
- he owns a gun; my oldest mentioned he saw it once, which lead to me giving my son a primer on gun safety. probably not much I can do about this, since I live in a very pro-gun state
- thoughts? any recommendations for actions on my end?
I will have my kids more time next month; I plan on letting their psychologist know about these incidents (I wrote them down), and see what he thinks. Until then, all I can do is monitor the situation. I am going to have a background check on this guy though.
obviously if I see any signs of physical abuse, I will take action. But unless something like that happens, everything would be "he said/she said" in the eyes of the court.