7 yrs with my gf - 1yr with pwBPD in the same time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been for 7 years into a relationship with a wonderful women and became her fiance.

The only "problem" was that it was almost my only girlfriend I ever had, that led me to not be very faithful, to try to experiment also with other women. I wanted just to have fun, never taught of having another relationship.


Then I went for a job mission in another country and met the pwBPD.


Here I described my pwBPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335962.msg13048317#msg13048317
and here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336453.0

(interesting to read, my pwBPD has very interesting background!)

After that idealisation I could not resist to find a permenent job in the pwBPD s country, but in my mind was just for sex and to return in the future to my 7yrs gf in my country.

But the pwBPD got me hooked, I stayed till now 1yr with her (observing her bpd sympthoms all along the way and finding about this forum).

At a couple of months I see my 7yrs gf in my country: she is nice with me, beatiful, stable, definitely a woman to get married with and have children.

The pwBPD is unstable but the sex is great, she got me hooked and it is hard to leave it yet...

When I go to my 7 yrs gf I do think about the pwBPD, somedays I find even myself I turned into a pwBPD and devaluating for no reason my 7yrs gf. I change mood without reason, but mostly because in that moments I think and compare with the pwBPD.

My emotional stabilty is a little damaged also right now, I just try to leave the pwBPD soon (or that she discards me, now she is constantly devaluating me) and return to my wonderful gf, marry her and be faithful to her

I just want to share with you my true story, thank you if you can advice me, I plan to update regulary with my actions

[DanMR]

I have been for 7 years into a relationship with a wonderful women and became her fiance.

The only "problem" was that it was almost my only girlfriend I ever had, that led me to not be very faithful, to try to experiment also with other women. I wanted just to have fun, never taught of having another relationship.


Then I went for a job mission in another country and met the pwBPD.


Here I described my pwBPD: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335962.msg13048317#msg13048317
and here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336453.0

(interesting to read, my pwBPD has very interesting background!)

After that idealisation I could not resist to find a permenent job in the pwBPD s country, but in my mind was just for sex and to return in the future to my 7yrs gf in my country.

But the pwBPD got me hooked, I stayed till now 1yr with her (observing her bpd sympthoms all along the way and finding about this forum).

At a couple of months I see my 7yrs gf in my country: she is nice with me, beatiful, stable, definitely a woman to get married with and have children.

The pwBPD is unstable but the sex is great, she got me hooked and it is hard to leave it yet...

When I go to my 7 yrs gf I do think about the pwBPD, somedays I find even myself I turned into a pwBPD and devaluating for no reason my 7yrs gf. I change mood without reason, but mostly because in that moments I think and compare with the pwBPD.

My emotional stabilty is a little damaged also right now, I just try to leave the pwBPD soon (or that she discards me, now she is constantly devaluating me) and return to my wonderful gf, marry her and be faithful to her

I just want to share with you my true story, thank you if you can advice me, I plan to update regulary with my actions

[Turkish]

Do you think your pwBPD would be good for a stable, long term relationship? What keeps you hooked, and what do you desire in the long term. What do you want out of life?

[DanMR]

No, for sure I do not think that the one with BPD can be stable in the longterm (she did not had any serious relation till now, she cheated her exes, with me she changes mood very often)

Me I want a family, a wife, exactly what my gf can offer me.

What keep me hooked to the pwBPD... I think the memory of the first months (intense idealisation), my lack of stability when I am not with her (I have some episodes of little depression) but mostly the fear of letting go knowing we will most probably never see each other again...

I wanted to experiment with other woman and cheat my 7yrs gf, I get what I deserve now...

But I prefer clearly my 7yrs gf, even now after dating 1yr the pwBPD.

And I also think that my gf will make more easy for me to break up with the pwBPD, I am also grateful to her for not falling even more for the pwBPD.

Also when I will break with the pwBPD, I think that having my gf, the pain of breaking up with the pwBPD will be very reduced

[Notwendy]

What about your 7 year GF. What does she want? Does she even know about your cheating on her and your affair with BPD woman? Or is the just sweet, trusting, and has no idea.

Do you think it is fair to your 7 y GF to settle for sex that doesn't satisfy you? How do you think she will feel- because I think she will feel inadequate in the long run, she will sense that you are not fully into her and are thinking about other experiences.

Do you think you are the kind of man your 7yrGF deserves? Are you willing or able to be that man?

[Cat Familiar]

Notwendy asks some important questions. And what happens should you give your girlfriend a sexually transmitted disease? You do admit your BPD partner has a history of infidelity.

[DanMR]

I do know that is not at all honest regarding my 7yrs gf, that adds alot to my “inner turmoil” this period. I have told her just some little details that I have met another woman, but obviously not the whole story. She is indeed very sweet and caring with me, after I escape the pwBPD I do plan to respect her and be faithful as she dererves.

In fact this is a big important thing that got me hooked into the pwBPD, the sex, as many stated her, the sex with borderlines is very good, she has no limits.
And adding I had only a long relationship of plenty years, it is normal that the new sex with a borderline to be more intense as comparison with the sex when you are in a 7yrs relationship… even tho I do enjoy it with her too and I love her…
I know that I did proceed not at all ok, now I get what I deserve…


I also feel like myself I am a pwBPD now, even when I am with my 7yrs gf, 1-2 days I feel great with her and I forgot the women with bpd then I feel sad and feel distant to my gf for more hours and so on.
That happens to me in general when I am not around the pwBPD, I do not find myself very emotional stable


Those are the things that keeps me hooked to the pwBPD: sex, her impredictiblity, the fact that she gives me a “positive vibe” when I with her (when she does not rage of course), the fear of letting go and knowing the hard period after a break up


But 100% I prefer the satabilty with my gf, we are more compatible, plenty more things to talk and share, I do feel more close and connected with her etc I imagine all my life with her, surely not with the pwBPD.

And the 7 yrs with my gf were clearly better then the year with the borderline, I felt so much better with my gf

[Notwendy]

then I feel sad and feel distant to my gf for more hours

This is something to be honest with yourself with. Also, your entire posts are about what you want. Nowhere are you asking what does your GF want? How do you think she feels when you are sad and distant with her? Think of this over a lifetime- you are married with kids, but sad and distant. She's given her all to you- has nobody on the side, wants her husband to be happy, but you aren't happy.

You have looked at both women by comparison,  but you haven't faced the prospect of being alone. BPD woman is hot and it's hard to leave her, but hey, you have GF on the side to manage your own feelings about this- you are in a sense, using GF as a cushion to manage the separation from BPD woman.

That's not exactly loving and cherishing your possible future wife, is it? It's actually using her. If someone has a relationship and wants to have sex with someone else, they risk losing their relationship. You didn't have this risk, just kept them both.

This isn't about the women, but about you. You have already betrayed the woman you hope is your future wife, and are not fully committed and  content with her.

I don't think this is about the GF being the first. There are people who marry their first relationship and who are content. Or, they have dated other people and then decide- this is the one I love, and are emotionally finished with the others. But to be married while your feelings are with someone else, even sometimes,  is this fair to your GF?

[DanMR]

You did not undertsood me well about that part.

I am sad like this around my gf only now, after 1yr with the pwBPD. And not because of her, but because all this mess that it is now in my life cause by wanting to experiment and meeting the pwBPD.

I've never been like that around my gf in the 7 yrs of relationship we had.

I see all my future with her, I am sure after I will break up with the pwBPD things will go back to normal, my life was great before meeting the pwBPD.

In fact I consider more beatiful my gf, is just that the pwBPD is crazy in bed, does everything (I do things to her that to my gf I would not do, is just to much)

My gf I think she loves me too and she has also been happy all those years.

What I want is just to get back to the moment before meeting the pwBPD...

[DanMR]

In fact I hope and I want that after I finish with the pwBPD, my relation with my gf to actually improve.

After 7 yrs of relationship (before meeting the pwBPD), I do admit I was sometime neglecting her, made sex less often etc (things kinda normal for couples in a long time relationship)

After the experience with the pwBPD I learn to appreciate more my gf, make sex with her instead of thinking about other women, understand more how lucky I am to have her etc

[Notwendy]

You aren't going to be able to erase your memories. I don't think it is often the best thing to do to make a detailed confession. In some cases it is, and some it isn't. If you are truly able to commit to your GF and not ever cheat again, it may be better to move forward with her and let the thing with BPD woman be in the past.

You can not give your all to your GF if you are also involved with someone else. If you want my opinion- if you want GF, you need to only be with her. This means letting go of BPD and giving 100% to your GF.

However, if you find yourself wanting to cheat again, or cheating on her, perhaps you need to realize that this is not fair to her.

You have had 7 years with her. This is long enough to know that someone is for you or not. If she's for you, then make it only her for the long run.

You also have to accept her for who she is. If there are things she won't do in the bedroom, this is who she is. You need to decide that this is enough for you, otherwise you will not be happy and neither is she going to be.

If you choose to focus on her, on sex with love for the long run, then you can make it good- but you have to choose this. It seems like there's enough chemistry between you to be happy with sex.

The long run means this too. Sometimes sex is great. Sometimes she might be pregnant, tired, up all night with a baby and not feel so sexy, or even look so sexy. You might not be so sexy looking to her all the time too. If you love her, you will make this work, she will be as sexy to you at 60, at 70 and older as she is now, but only if you decide this is the one for you and commit to making things good between you two, treating her like she's the sexiest one you know. You will be the man she needs if you choose to be that man.

[DanMR]

Thank you for the answers.

Yes, I cannot erase my memorise, but even if I compare the memories that I have with the pwBPD in comparioson with the ones I have with my gf, I clearly like the ones with my gf more and that makes me to appreciate her even more.

Even the "idealisation" phase, by my gf I feel "idealised" all those 7yrs, not just the first months. Of course we had our problems, but in general and honeslty I do feel that those 7yrs were great for both of us. I did a big mistake and now I'm paying for it.

I will update how I break up with the pwBPD, I plan it soon.

The "relation" with her anyways is goind hell down, 2-3 days she's nice with me, 2-3 days she devalues me for nothing and says we should break up. I am waiting for the good moment to finally quit.

[Notwendy]

The good moment is when you decide your GF is the one for you and the only one for you.

From how you describe her- she seems like the kind of person who wants this kind of commitment and she wants to be your only one.

Why is it so difficult to actually do this for her? I'm not saying you should do something you are not ready to do. I would say, examine this.

I also don't see where you are putting yourself in your GF's shoes. How would you feel if you were her? She loves you and you are, at the moment, enjoying sex with someone else. Don't you think this would be hurtful to her? Why are you prolonging this potential hurt?

Committing to someone for a lifetime can be wonderful- but it is also not easy all the time. It's something that takes some work and commitment. There are good times and also challenging times in marriage. You need to be in this 100% for it to work and you need to be ready for this.

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry and I hope I’m not being too hard on you.  I do not intend to be.  I have been reading but I am a bit confused so maybe you can clarify. 

You are in a one-year relationship with a BPD woman in a country (not your home) where you got a new job.  You are living with the BPD woman.  Sex is great with BPD woman.  Behavior of BPD woman is not so great.

At the same time, you have a girlfriend in your home country who has been your gf for 7 years.  Behavior of gf is great.  Sex with gf is sweet, but not as exciting.

Your gf does NOT know about BPD woman.  Does BPD woman know about your gf?

Are you ready to go home to your country now?  If yes, Does ANYONE know this or just you know This?

Are you hoping that BPD woman breaks up with you so that she leaves you alone and does not bother you when you return to your home country?  Does her doing the break up mean you will be “safe” from her?

Is that why you feel you cannot be the one to break up?

Finally, perhaps just because you do return home and only see gf for a while does NOT mean you should marry straightaway.  Perhaps take a break, live by yourself for a bit and do Some decompression and processing.  In the meantime, Please be sure to use foolproof birth control so that the decision regarding your future is really yours.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[DanMR]

Yes, I do live with the pwBPD in her country, and I sometimes see my gf in my home country each couple of months. I do miss my gf while I am her and I think a lot about her and we talk daily.

My gf knows that I’ve met a woman here, of course not with all the details (neither that I live with her)
My pwBPD knows about my gf, but not that I do keep constant contact with her.

That I plan to return to my home country knows my gf, and I also say sometimes to my pwBPD when we have “fights”.

I would like that my pwBPD does the brake up, because like this would be easier for both. Regardless of this, I will do it soon anyways in one of her “upset for nothing episodes”.

I do have a fear for the break up, I've read that is difficult to break up with a borderline, could be very paintful. Also for this I did not yet break up, I know that I am a little coward.

I read that the ones that were with a borderline are even called afterwards "borderline survivors", because of the shock being suddently devaluated and discarded.

For me normally should not be that difficult the break up as mentally I think alot at this, it's not a surprise, I've read alot about borderline, I want to be with my gf and not with the pwBPD etc

Thank you for taking time to read my story and posting.

[Notwendy]

Dan, have you heard of the expression: "you can't have your cake, and eat it too" ?

In your situation, it would mean that the cake is a stable committed monogamous relationship with your GF. Eating the cake is your relationship with your BPD GF.

Your relationship with your BPD GF is fulfilling to you in some ways and not others, but to have this, you need to lie to your GF- which means you don't have an honest committed relationship. You also need to lie to some extent to your GF with BPD. They each may know part of the situation but you have to conceal some of the details.

Your relationship with your GF is also fulfilling to you in many ways but not others, but to have the kind of stable relationship she can offer you, you can't also be dating other people.

It's your choice to commit or to "play the field". There is nothing wrong with "playing the field" which is to date several people. When people are single, they can choose to do this. But also you don't have to lie about this. It's possible to tell the other person you want to date other people and are not ready to settle down.

Of course the risk of being honest is that the other person may not agree to this situation. To have an honest relationship with anyone, means being up front about your dating preference. You aren't actually doing this. Each woman isn't fully aware of the whole situation.

For now, you are able to date both women, but you are also keeping each of them in the dark about the whole situation. In a way, this isn't fair to either of them because they don't get to choose whether they want to be in this situation. They think it is different.

You say you care very much about your 7 y GF, but you are doing something that can potentially hurt her.

[DanMR]

So I finally dumped my bpd gf.

She started more and more often her cycles of getting angry without reason and telling we should dump each other, I should leave etc (1 weeks she acts nice, 2 days mean)

And so I packed and leaved for a few days, then she started acting very very nice that she desperetely wants me back.

I did not resisted and came back, and in 1-2 weeks she started slowly again to be mean without reason, not talk etc

The biggest difficulty to leave her is that overall she is a very nice person with good motives, just that she changes moods very quickly at 180degres.

So I left again, this time forever I hope.

Some weeks had passed, it is true that I sometimes do talk with her/respond to her messages, and she sends me messages all the time that she wants me to came back, that I am her greatest thing and cannot live without me, she promise she will change etc etc

I saw my 7yrs girlfriend and the days passed with her were wonderful, I do think I am very calm and happy with her and have confidence for the future together.

I just want to resist to the messages from my bpd gf, forget her and move along with my life, because I don't see no future with her and I want to be forgived by my 7yrs gf and continue my life with her.

What do you think?

[Notwendy]

If a committed relationship with your 7 yr GF is what you both want, then cutting contact with your BPD GF is a choice you need to make. Giving up the relationship with your BPD GF was the first step to being in a committed relationship with the 7 yr GF but to be truly present and emotionally available to your 7y GF, you need to not still be hanging on to BPD GF.

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, you'd know that "not being able to resist" is your part in this, and it's something you need to choose. Lots of things are "hard to resist" but we choose them because we want the results of resisting them.

Cake and sweets are hard to resist but we resist eating too much if we want to be healthy.

Sleeping late is hard to resist but we don't do it if we want to keep our jobs.

Attractive people are hard to resist, but we resist the temptation if we want the benefits of a committed relationship.

Your choice, really. Having contact with the BPD GF and not being completely committed to your GF ( and potentially hurting her and the relationship) or letting go of contact with the BPD GF.

[DanMR]

Thank you Notwendy, you explained very well and you are right.

[Notwendy]

I'm glad to have helped.