Focusing on not adding to the financial fireworks

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think you should read her email.  She took the time to communicate; it is respectful to listen.  As for whether not responding is stonewalling,  I guess the question is do you think she wants you to respond, or was she just venting?  The absence of any follow up on her part imo suggests that she would prefer to not discuss it.

[Fian]

I think you should read her email.  She took the time to communicate; it is respectful to listen.  As for whether not responding is stonewalling,  I guess the question is do you think she wants you to respond, or was she just venting?  The absence of any follow up on her part imo suggests that she would prefer to not discuss it.

[Enabler]

This might be an interesting distinction... what is stonewalling and what is not being hooked into a dead-end argument?

A couple of days ago my W took issue with my objection to us leaving D6 (specifically, although D9 and D10 would also be left alone but I was 'less' concerned about their ability to be sensible)  in the house alone even for 15 minutes between me leaving for work 6am and W 'potentially' coming back from an early morning run 6:15. She seemed to think that I used to have a different view on leaving the kids alone in the house in bed for short periods such as her picking me up from the station late at night (which she never actually did). She didn't really have much interest in hearing any reasoning I might have for having a different view and after making her point (and I think feeling like she'd dealt her killer argument blow) she announced she was going to bed... and left.

This frustration of hers has come up a few times now so I felt the need to clarify:
"In Answer to your question, when you told me that I was abusive to our Children, citing it on the divorce application etc, the natural consequence for me was to completely analyse all areas of my parenting and attempt to move all areas to 1st class. I'm sure you can empathise that I don't have the luxury of rough and ready parenting anymore. Some others do, but they are not in the same position as me. What was okay then might not be okay now."
Her response... "Ok"

Although I feel like my clarification was necessary, especially since it is a recurring hot topic, on reflection I wonder whether or her run request was nothing at all with running or even leaving the kids alone in the house, it was about 'CAGE BUILDING'.

CAGE BUILDING - the process by which someone with a victim personality attempts to reinforce their delusional perception that they are somehow physically/emotionally/financially
   controlled/inhibited/contained/restrained from doing as they desire. This usually takes the form of making unreasonable/illegal/onerous requests of the 'gatekeeper' (gatekeeper = target of the victims delusional perception of entrapment aka Perpetrator). The gatekeeper usually has 2 choices, maintain reasonable boundaries which reinforces the delusion that the victim is restricted, or yield to the unreasonable request and resetting a new 'normal'.   

There were so many other options which could have resulted in a good outcome for her, such as leaving earlier or taking a shorter run. Neither option was put on the table by her (or me). She didn't go for a run in the morning and was still in bed when I left in the morning. I think I was hooked into 'Cage Building', she got what she wanted and was satisfied.

Enabler 

[Notwendy]

Cage building- that was brilliant.

I agree that someone could have a need to be in victim position. So there's no way to respond well to a request without agreeing to something unreasonable or reinforcing their perspective.

But you did the right thing here. The request wasn't just unreasonable. It was downright negligent. FWIW- I would not consider leaving a 6 yo alone in the house at all. Your wife's request involved not providing proper care for an innocent child. That's the only true victim here.

[Frustrated38]

In all honesty, email and text has to be the worst communication medium for people with bpd when it comes to emotional issues, IMHO. I avoid it like the plague with my wife.

[Enabler]

Horses for courses, I find it to be effective because I don't muddle my points and she can often read and re-read text and calm herself down. It also allows one to rewrite a message to ensure it isn't invalidating but gets the point across.

Enabler

[I Am Redeemed]

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