So I first was on this site for support many years ago about a relationship with a diagnosed BPD woman, which was a complete nightmare. Eventually I realized the real problem wasn't so much other people, but my complete lack of a screening process for a romantic RS. I'd seen many other healthy people meet pretty troublesome partners, and quickly know to shut it down. Throughout my life, I've actually had no attraction to some really great girls, but I seem to just go all in for the ones that abuse. I've come to accept that its a reflection of my relationship with my mother, just as my poor social skills are a reflections of my relationships with my father and half brothers.
So after I had started to move on from my original BPD relationship, I got involved with a girl I met at the dog park. She was a
masseuse and it turned out she was the "happy ending" type of masseuse. I was mortified to go from BPD RS straight into this, so I made another post on this here very site.
That turned out to be the worst mistake I've ever made in my life.
A woman on here took an interest in me and wanted to start building a relationship with me. My brain just said
PLEASE READ it, what harm can come from connecting with someone who has been through some similar stuff? Things escalated and immediately there were warning signs like uncalled for jealousy, suspicion, and rage just because I wasn't replying to her fast enough. I had been trying to improve the way I react to things and be more diplomatic, so I said she was right to be upset and I would try to do better.. yada yada. Turns out she lives in a different country and is in a lot of debt, she talks endlessly about what a victim she is and that her ex is stalking her and might have a gang kill her. Plenty of warning signs here for me to disengage, but like I said my screening process is complete
PLEASE READ. I fly out to a different city for work and she goes ballistic, claiming I could just be
PLEASE READing around since I'm in a new city, never lets it drop, blaming me all the while... I also pay for her cell phone data once because she kept complaining about the costs, then when that runs out she goes off on me cause I was a little uncomfortable about paying for it again. (holy
PLEASE READ, why was I still talking to this person) I even tell her look, you seem really insecure and demanding I don't think this is a good idea. If youre like this now, I know for sure it wouldn't be bettter after meeting or being short distance (I was right), but she assured me it was just the long distance that was the problem.
Fast forward and we decide to meet up. Obviously I'm the money maker between the two, so I pay a significant amount to fly her to me. Right away, she has problems with me living with roommates, me having to work, and me having a dog. I paid for the trip, I have to keep working. Her visit is kind of okay, but discover that shes not a great lover, complains A LOT, and she even manipulated me by threatening to go home early just to "see if I would be upset". She eventually goes back home, leaving several guilt bombs about me not following through with the RS now that we'd slept together and she was scared for her life back home. And the guilt worked.
The red flags only continue to escalate from here on out. Jealousy skyrockets, rage all the time. She insists that its only cause of the distance, I just give her the benefit of the doubt. Now she wants to move to my country. From a quick Google search, its pretty obvious she has no chance to immigrate without marriage or a highly prized skillset. She doens't meet the skillset requirements. I tell her this, and that based on my experience so far I'm not willing to marry her and that I know that she will only get worse if she lived with me.
Again, assurances that she will be fine, and that she did all this extra research into immigration and she'll be able to stay here without marriage. She promised shes secure her own work once she got here and pay her own way and wouldn't need to rely on me. So I pay for yet another flight here. As you can imagine the complaining and jealous rage did in fact escalate. I paid for all of her expenses for nearly a year. She claimed that the only reason she was so out of control is that we lived with other people. So I bought my own house, we move and immediately realize the problems continue and escalate even further since there are no longer witnesses to her behavior. I try to call the relationship off, and she then claims that she is only acting like this becuase she doesn't have her own life, she can't legally work because (shocker) she isn't a citizen, non-citizen type of work is too far beneath her.
So it comes down to:
A. Pay to send her back to her country, to a massive pile of debt and supposedly homicidal ex
B. Marry her so she can stay and work and build her own life
I'm easily guilted into bad ideas so obviously I take option B. But before we go in to seal the deal I have her sign a prenup. She even tried to negotiate terms on the prenup! I was like NO! I don't even want to marry you, and I shouldn't even be doing this. I reiterate on the marriage day, that I did not want to do this, I am only doing it for her benefit and she needs to just leave me alone if I go through with it. Shockingly she just conveniently forgets these terms and in her mind the story just becomes we married eachother because we love eachother, and I am now expected to be even more obligated to her whims.
Basically the same story as the marriage, she now needs a car before she can work, and she only continues to abuse me because she can't drive herself places to have her own life. Naturally I take out a loan for a pretty nice car for her. She can't possibly have any more excuses, right? I've litterally bulldozed every possible obstacle. She gets her license and a job and the abuse just continues and even gets worse.
To elaborate on some of the behaviors I'm talking about:
* Accusing me of cheating constantly. Every. Single. Thing. is a warning sign to her. I was at the hardware store for 30 minutes? shouldn't take that long, lets scream at him throughout the entire night.
* Driving a wedge between me and my family. If I ever talked to my family, she would just start screaming at me about it for no plausible reason. "YOU TALKED TO YOUR BROTHER!" and a constant accusation that I was
PLEASE READing my sister-in-law. It just because easier to just not talk to them so I wouldn't have to listen to this insane crap.
* Not allowing me to sleep. She'd literally keep bitching at me past 3AM. I am horrible without proper rest, this was truly the worst torture.
* Random outbursts of nonsensical accusations that would go on for hours. If I left the room or the house, she would just follow me and refuse to quit unless I admitted to whatever she was accusing me of. accusations included things like not being happy enough when walking in the door, not wanting to be touched after some
PLEASE READed up thing she said to me, not eating dinner fast enough. I explained that I have the RIGHT to be left alone, she couldn't just force her self on me, but that was never acceptable.
* Sometimes physical violence as I was trying to flee from her rage, where she would claw at me and draw blood
* Random threats, like saying she was going to "tell everyone everything" (I encouraged her to follow through with this, there was nothing to tell..) and threatening to go after my bank accounts.
* Constantly bringing up my painful experiences with my BPD ex gf and mocking me for being cheated on. I have explained so many times that this alone is grounds to break up with anyone by itself. She is honestly completely blind to this fact and continued it for years.
Those are just a few examples, there was a great deal of gaslighting. She would just yell and scream at me so much that I'm ashamed to admit I got physically abusive a few times because she would be shouting such hurtful stuff at me for so long. I'm apparently no monk immune to verbal abuse for that long. I would beg her to just find her own place and leave, I didn't want to be with her and I didn't want to be abusive myself. No dice, it seemed like she wanted that reaction from me just to ramp up her own verbal tirades and provide further justification for them.
I stayed in this state for years. Why? She would go procure weed and it would be irresistable for me to partake, and just sit around dumbed up. The combination of being high and being screamed at so much over nothing has really screwed me up by the way. Smoking was just the easiest way to try to mentally escape from the horrible situation I was in.
Eventually I smoked too much and had a massive epiphany about the state of my life, realized what a huge negative influence she was and the weed was, and quit both at the same time. I informed her she had to go, and I had to very forcefully demand it hundreds of times before she would take it seriously. After two months of fighting it, she finally moved out and have been incredibly relieved to finally be able to breathe. She still calls me and sends me texts trying to get back together and give her anther chance, including some attempt at acknowledging her faults. But from my innumerable experiences with her apologies, they are just crocodile tears. She just waits for me to give an inch, then changes the story in her mind to everything being my fault to begin with.
At some point I'm going to have to figure out the whole divorce thing, so far shes outright refused to sign or even read any documents. I'm just happy to be separated, although I continue to live with the horrifying echoes of this nightmare after a month of separation. I'm honestly so drained that I have had zero desire to connect with anyone at all for awhile now. I just go to work, go get some extreme workouts in every day, take care of the house, and repeat. I feel great other than days when she tries to contact me and act sorry.
Thanks for listening end rant.
PS: ladies if my story has you thinking "oh this guy is available". No, I'm not making the mistake of getting involved with anyone on this site again, so
PLEASE READ right off
