Letting the reality sink in...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all, I'm a daughter of a mother with BPD who has narcissistic tendencies as well. My father I have discovered, through lots of reading and the recent loss of his own mother, is a huge enabler for my own mother.

All my life for as long as I can remember something has felt off and wrong with her. You know, that feeling you get in your stomach? It's always been there. Throughout my life I have wanted to know WHY, why is she like this? Why is she always so angry? Why does she treat you as a best friend one minute, then her worst enemy moments later? She has so much anger, and it can be triggered by the slightest innocuous comment, action or otherwise.

After many years of reading, psychology courses at university I came to the conclusion after reading an article about narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. She exhibits traits of both disorders, but her behaviours are more suggestive that she is a borderline with narcissistic tendencies and leanings.

All the reading I did was addictive at first. It was there in black and white. My experience of a BPD mother was being validated by what others had written. I needed to know more and read more to justify my own experience. Then it hits you that once you have the knowledge and diagnosis that you've searched for in vain for so long, what do you do with it? Do you continue to suffer in relative silence and be the emotional punchbag for her you've always been? Or can you ever go back to that state of being now knowing what you do?

I am on a waiting list for talking therapy thankfully as before I make any big decisions I need help from a professional as how best to proceed.

Anyone else on here going through this right now, or has been and any wisdom to share?

Love and understanding to all who have a borderline in their lives. Their damage is and can be catastrophic.

[I_want_to_break_]

Hi all, I'm a daughter of a mother with BPD who has narcissistic tendencies as well. My father I have discovered, through lots of reading and the recent loss of his own mother, is a huge enabler for my own mother.

All my life for as long as I can remember something has felt off and wrong with her. You know, that feeling you get in your stomach? It's always been there. Throughout my life I have wanted to know WHY, why is she like this? Why is she always so angry? Why does she treat you as a best friend one minute, then her worst enemy moments later? She has so much anger, and it can be triggered by the slightest innocuous comment, action or otherwise.

After many years of reading, psychology courses at university I came to the conclusion after reading an article about narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. She exhibits traits of both disorders, but her behaviours are more suggestive that she is a borderline with narcissistic tendencies and leanings.

All the reading I did was addictive at first. It was there in black and white. My experience of a BPD mother was being validated by what others had written. I needed to know more and read more to justify my own experience. Then it hits you that once you have the knowledge and diagnosis that you've searched for in vain for so long, what do you do with it? Do you continue to suffer in relative silence and be the emotional punchbag for her you've always been? Or can you ever go back to that state of being now knowing what you do?

I am on a waiting list for talking therapy thankfully as before I make any big decisions I need help from a professional as how best to proceed.

Anyone else on here going through this right now, or has been and any wisdom to share?

Love and understanding to all who have a borderline in their lives. Their damage is and can be catastrophic.

[Turkish]

 When my mother admitted to me that she had BPD it was validating, yet also anti-climactic. Like "what do I do with this information, and does it change anything?" I had already concluded that and had found my way here.

We can help you with boundaries and communication strategies.  How are you still a punching bag what goes on?

[madeline7]

I knew something was different, but yet having never grown up in a healthy family, I didn't really know what to feel. My early adult hood was mostly ok because my enabler Dad took the brunt of Mom's mood dysregulation, and they lived in another state. Then they got old, my Dad passed, Mom moved to the same town as me so I could take care of her, and then you know what hit the fan. So the past few years has been equal parts challenging and eye opening; well..not exactly equal parts. I did find a therapist after several attempts. She is trained in DBT, which is essential in my opinion, in understanding the unique issues around BPD. I also had the good fortune of finding a 12 week free workshop in caretaking a family member with BPD. And I visit this board frequently, sometimes posting and always reading and absorbing the wisdom of others. So I am moving towards acceptance, and letting go of the feeling that I need to be responsible for her in her old age. I have been conditioned to act like I have always been responsible for her, regardless of her age, but this elderly widowed thing is sending her waif characteristics through the roof. I find that as she ages, she is slowly losing her power to rage, and is becoming more waif like. However, just a few weeks ago she did rage and said one of the most hurtful things to me ever, and now she of course is denying it. What this shows me is that she WILL NEVER change, and it's up to me to set healthy boundaries and not tolerate behavior that is toxic to me. Very very hard to do but I am working on it. Keep working and stay strong.