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Author Topic: Preparing to face the possibility that my son will die  (Read 672 times)
FaithHopeLove
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« on: July 06, 2019, 07:40:06 AM »

 Now that my hopes for my son's recovery from addiction and BPD have been dashed I  am working on accepting the possibility of his death.

I need to find that serenity. Who here is with me?
 
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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2019, 07:48:45 AM »

The Board Parrot is here with you FaithHopeLove

It is so difficult and heartbreaking when a loved one suffers from active suicidal ideation. Accepting the reality that you might lose your son is very hard. I have not given up all hope for your son yet and have also responded in your other thread.

This is a very difficult and challenging situation indeed, we are here for you
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 07:55:38 AM by Kwamina » Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2019, 09:39:12 AM »

I am holding you close to my heart. I certainly have no answer or plan. Can you stay present just for today? It could be tempting to catastrophize.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2019, 09:49:21 AM »

Faith,
I can hear the sadness and disappointment in your words. Im so sorry and I would feel defeated, as well. It takes all we have to muster up the energy to be truly hopeful and then when the reality of addition and a MH disorder rare it’s ugly ugly head, we crumble. I know you are well aware of this, but it is extremely typical for addicts transitioning to rehab to run. The reality is that he got closer than ever before so it might be easier in the future. Is there an N.A. Meeting in your area? We’ve been so blessed by face to face with others who GET IT. Thinking of you right this moment and praying the Peace of God over you.
Peacemom
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« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2019, 10:00:26 AM »

Sending you love and support.

I am not in that place, but can only empathise that this is the logical end to what you think is happening...

Praying that it is not what happens
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« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2019, 10:22:54 PM »

I really have no words of comfort, only care and support. I thought about you a lot today. As I am looking forward to my daughter's discharge in a few days after a month in drug rehab, I also wondered if she will actually go through with all the plans she is making for after care, therapy and meetings or if she said it all so I would get her a car.  A month ago, every time the doorbell rang I fully expected to open my door to two policeman and a priest. Thank God, she decided to get the help she needed. I hope. Maybe your son will turn around any minute and decide enough is enough and go to rehab. We can only hope because as you well know, it has to be his decision. I'll pray for you all tonight. <3
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2019, 04:24:51 AM »

Thank you all for your love and support as I journey through the valley of the shadow of death.
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2019, 07:32:43 AM »

Thank you all for your love and support as I journey through the valley of the shadow of death.
As I know you have expressed your Christian faith, I pray that our Heavenly Father will be close to you in this time of deep anguish and pain.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2019, 01:16:00 PM »

Hi Faith

I was overwhelmingly triggered, hence me joining this thread late. I am of course here with you, always and forever.  

As parents we know when our beautiful children are in the most unbearable pain they want to get out of their bodies, life is on the edge. If you've seen it, you know and as you are Faith you prepare. We are forced to prepare, it's the natural path. I did find peace, serenity by accepting I may lose her and I believe without her knowing, it has helped her.

As Lollypop says on Detaching/Releasing with love thread we do not know what is ahead, things can get better and then worse, then better again. Certainly been my experience, sliding doors.

Faith, your son ran from the airport, not from the care of the hospital, he stayed there and that was a triumph for him. Yes?

Love WDx  
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2019, 01:29:49 PM »

I am in the valley with you, Faith.  My son did a similar thing.  The hold of the addiction is all - encompassing. 
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« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2019, 04:14:42 PM »

I am here too because I also am dealing with that. Not addiction as my son did do inpatient care and has been sober 7 years now but he's not done much since leaving rehab and that's where my situation today is. He is severely depressed and feels worthless. His anxiety prevents him from doing a lot and he's hiding at home with me. It feels like now is the time that he has to move out and that was something I told him on Saturday. So I will worry about that about his suicidal thoughts as we navigate the next few weeks for him to move out. I had hoped keeping him here and supporting him through this journey would help but he's hiding and I'm enabling and it's messy and not good.

So I know how you feel and am here too with you.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2019, 07:02:39 PM »

Swimmy, I am here with you too 

WDx
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wendydarling
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« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2019, 07:19:16 PM »

Welcome Bluemoon23 we know how your feel too.  7 years sober is a huge achievement, we nudge forward like you are. I'm glad you've joined us, together, we support each other and that is critical. You are not alone.

WDx 
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2019, 07:49:37 PM »

Thank you ,Wendy d,
Faith ( and all of those having severe doubts about your kids' tenuous hold on sobriety), I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain.  Breathe in and out.  Count 4 seconds in , hold 4 sec, exhale 4 sec and count 4 sec. Repeat.  That is what I have been doing.  Also I want to offer a few crumbs of something-let's challenge ourselves to see some very basic success:
1.  The police haven't knocked on our doors today giving us "the news" and you know what news I mean.  That is the new definition of a successful day for us.
2. Faith- While it is bitter disappointment that our kids didn't make rehab (this time) ,for a brief time they did see some merit in going.  The pull of the disease was stronger. For now.
 There are some success stories out there  and while our sons are still alive, they have hope,too, of being  a couple of success stories.
 
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2019, 07:54:11 AM »

It is hard holding onto what I wrote to you yesterday.  The struggle is real.  I can only manage the breathing here and there. Going to therapy. Hang tough, Faith /everyone.
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« Reply #15 on: July 09, 2019, 08:23:47 AM »

Thank you wendydarling. I know the struggle of waiting for police to knock on the door and it's painful and challenging. I felt great comfort in finding this platform yesterday as I struggle with new challenges with my son. Reading and writing here has provided such great support as we all have similar journeys. Wanting our kids to make the right choice, the best choice, for themselves and watching them struggle to find them is so hard. I feel like we fight, we teach, we advise and we then have to find a way to reconcile when they make poor choices or bad choices for them and for their lives. It's hard to watch sometimes and hard to stand by. Knowing that others know your pain, have felt that pain and are travelling similar paths helps so much with the shame, guilt, frustration, hurt and anger we all have felt and are feeling.

FaithHope I hear and understand your anger, frustration and hurt. It sounds like your son is fighting to make that best decision for themselves and they are trying. I hope they keep fighting and wanting better for themselves.
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« Reply #16 on: July 09, 2019, 05:03:08 PM »

Here with you also,   Sending hugs prayers and positive thoughts  Stay strong our friend
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« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2019, 06:08:53 PM »

Excerpt
It is hard holding onto what I wrote to you yesterday.  The struggle is real.  I can only manage the breathing here and there. Going to therapy. Hang tough, Faith /everyone.
Breathe Swimmy, it is hard, days go up and down. My daughter could have wrote what you have. Well she actually writes similar on her BPD, DBT twitter account from time to time, and gets lovely replies back saying hang in there, you are not alone. So from my daughter who struggles too, I say hang in there and let us know how you are doing  

Excerpt
I felt great comfort in finding this platform yesterday as I struggle with new challenges with my son. Reading and writing here has provided such great support as we all have similar journeys.
You are right BlueMoon, we do have similar journeys, each and everyone of us, we want to get to a better place, calm and peace and for our children to follow our leadership. That is how I see it. It does require us to change, tweak our approach, gently and truly understand what BPD and co-morbid means for our children and that is hard, it is complex and it takes time and it is painful.

Yes mggt  

Faith how are you today?  

WDx

« Last Edit: July 09, 2019, 06:20:32 PM by wendydarling » Logged

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« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2019, 07:57:29 PM »

I am here with you in that you are right about finding serenity, acceptance that your son is not ready to go to treatment for drug addiction. I have a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful. I have worked with people with drug addiction and many came for treatment when they realized they would die without it. Hopefully your son will come to realize he has to make a life or death decision about continuing his drug use. I was told most people with drug addiction need a program that lasts one to two years. I am wondering if your son felt he might fail if it were only one month. How many times has he been to drug treatment? Usually the more failures, the more one learns, and there comes a time when many challenged by drug addiction are ready to stay clean. I am with you in that you can't keep worrying about him as it is just too painful. Oftentimes, when they are ready for treatment, the family has been out of their lives for many years. I am so sad you have to make this type of painful decision, something many relatives with a family member with a drug addiction have had to make to keep their own sanity.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2019, 06:52:10 AM »

Thanks Zachira
That is helpful particularly the part about them learning from their failures. I am coming to accept the fact that he is on his own path and I can't change it. I can only release him to God's care.
Hugs
Faith
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« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2019, 08:23:22 AM »

I am coming to accept the fact that he is on his own path and I can't change it. I can only release him to God's care.

That is probably the most profound and painful truth we learn as parents.

I pray for him and your family, FHLKC.
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2019, 10:13:56 AM »

Thank you Wendy .
Zachira- thank you for the information. 
True words,  Faith and Liveandlearned.
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« Reply #22 on: July 11, 2019, 02:02:01 AM »

Faith 

I have been keeping up with your story, wondering what I could say. Please know I have been here with you, even tho it was silently, and have been praying for you and your family every night.

oxoxoxoxoxo
Elizabeth22



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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2019, 02:59:01 AM »

Thank you Elizabeth.
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