How to keep the power balance

[kiwigal]

My SIL (who I am in relationship breakdown with, openly, ie we both know it) has messaged letting me know she's sent my kids a parcel and wrote "please text me and let me know it has arrived ok"

I know that sounds menial - she is a flying monkey to my MIL and possibly BPD herself and Ive been trying to maintain a balance of power with her. Every time I feel like I make progress - she establishes a point of contact with new rules which position me.

For me, it seems that as soon as I am faced with that power over, bigger person role, it triggers me and I default to feelings of powerlessness. How do I respond in a way that is professional but doesn't buy into this power imbalance game?

[No-One]

kiwigal:
I'm thinking the reply would depend on what was sent.  Any speculation on what she might be sending?

I know that sounds menial - she is a flying monkey to my MIL and possibly BPD herself and Ive been trying to maintain a balance of power with her. Every time I feel like I make progress - she establishes a point of contact with new rules which position me. 

What does "balance of power with her" mean to you?

Best for you to establish your personal boundaries (things you can control) and then enforce them.  She can set her own boundaries (things that she can control).  It's possible that your boundaries don't agree with "her rules", so you enforce your own personal boundaries, which may not follow "her rules".

[kiwigal]

Ah thank you that was a good way of looking at it.
Her rules are that she is the bigger sister, and I am the inferior one. And anything that challenges that status, is seen as being offensive.
She constantly acts to reinforce the 'big person/ little person' hierarchy.
Added to this is the next rule "Your job is to keep me looking good and keep mum happy" (my MIL/ her mum is BPD).
So there's always an agenda to to what goes on... she will give gifts, or send inclusive messages etc, until she feels she has enough evidence under her to "prove" to my MIL (her mum) that she is being very nice and that Im the problem.

They are also friends with my mum, who is one of my dearest friends and confidants.
So, for example, when Im being silenced and held at arms length, they engage with her with texts and lovely messages... almost as a way of creating guilt and pressure on me by making me look like Im a real cow. (Not to my own mum who thankfully sees through it).

I guess I feel like every minute interaction holds a large amount of pressure to get it right because theres always an agenda. Does that make sense?

I ended up responding that it was very kind of her and Id be sure to let my kids know to expect a parcel and to let her know when it arrives. She followed that up by a sort of nice, half hearted response, and I didn't respond to that. Just left it.
Im finding it freeing to sort of withdraw any emotion from my interaction with them, and leave my heart out of my engagement with them, just treat them professionally and like a business transaction.
Im hoping over time that it gets easier to function so aloofly.. polite, but non engaged.

[No-One]

I guess I feel like every minute interaction holds a large amount of pressure to get it right because there's always an agenda. Does that make sense?

I ended up responding that it was very kind of her and Id be sure to let my kids know to expect a parcel and to let her know when it arrives. . .
Im finding it freeing to sort of withdraw any emotion from my interaction with them, and leave my heart out of my engagement with them, just treat them professionally and like a business transaction.  Im hoping over time that it gets easier to function so aloofly.. polite, but non engaged.

You made a wise choice on you text reply.  Sounds like you used a BIFF response (Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm).  You disengaged, after the one reply.  Good job!

For the sake of your sanity, it would be wise to not care about what other people think and to not try to compete in whatever games SIL might be playing (i.e. gift giving competitions and trying to prove she is better than you).  Stay out of drama triangles - especially between SIL & MIL.  

By being polite, and staying out of the petty gossip and criticism, you will fair better in the long run.  Healthy people who matter, and are worth having in your life, will see you for your true self.  SIL & MIL aren't likely to change, so just accept them for who they are and guard your personal boundaries.  It could be liberating to just quit caring about lies & gossip they might spread.  

[Harri]

I like how No-one is encouraging you to simply follow your boundaries rather than get involved in the dysfunctional dynamic that is going on.

I don't think looking at this as a power play is a healthy way to go.  It may feel like one and it may be one, but playing to that end of things leaves everyone a loser.   She may play that way and that is her choice.  You don't have to and it is in your best interest not to.

Just keep basing your boundaries on your personal values and I think you will do fine. 

[kiwigal]

I like how No-one is encouraging you to simply follow your boundaries rather than get involved in the dysfunctional dynamic that is going on.

I don't think looking at this as a power play is a healthy way to go.  It may feel like one and it may be one, but playing to that end of things leaves everyone a loser.   She may play that way and that is her choice.  You don't have to and it is in your best interest not to.

Just keep basing your boundaries on your personal values and I think you will do fine. 

Thanks Harri. My personal experience has been that it’s been important for my wellbeing to identity the power imbalance in order to see the way in which it hooks me. I agree that I don’t have to play into it.. but getting my response right in order not to play into it is a learning curve. For me, it’s not so much about keeping boundaries (I have good boundaries and assertive skills) but knowing how to communicate in a way that keeps my dignity.

[Harri]

For me, it’s not so much about keeping boundaries (I have good boundaries and assertive skills) but knowing how to communicate in a way that keeps my dignity.

Of course.    I think that is where the boundaries based on our personal values come in so maybe we are talking about the same thing?   

Perhaps the reading Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle will help?  See what you think.  ;)

[kiwigal]

That does help thanks Harri.
I can definitely see reading it how the interaction tries to hook me into the triangulation.
Thank you

[Jareth89]

I have the same situation with my sil in terms of the relationship going a bit cold. She has bpd traits and her behaviour got worse last year, now it feels like I'm dealing with a radically different person from the one I was used to dealing with. It is such a shame to have someone marry into the family who begins to emotionally abuse her husband (my twin brother) and try to weaken the relationship I have with him by feeding him negative messages about me. Conversation between me and my sil is incredibly unstimulating. She asks me nothing about my life and finds it hard to make interesting conversation. I do not know what my brother sees in her. Her mother also has bpd traits and i'm not sure about her father but he is 100% behind his daughter no matter what she does wrong. I fear for my brother because the 3 of them seem to engulf and smother him and distort reality and his perceptions. He clearly does not know what he has walked into. To complicate matters they have a 2 yr old son. My family does so much for my brother (house renovation etc) but he has planted a seed on bad ground and I feel that all the time, money and effort (that my sil feels entitled to) spent on them is a wasted investment for my family because of the sil and her disorder. I'm considering informing my brother about her condition because she is undiagnosed and I can only see the problems getting worse.

You can  sympathise somewhat with the fear of abandonment, but really how do you know for certain whether her harmful actions are always due to this and not just possibly a nasty side to her character.

[kiwigal]

I recently did a counselling session where my therapist (who is trained with BPD) saw straight through it.. He identified that I am a perceived threat.
As I read through your post, I am curious if you are perceived as a threat too? What do you have, that she might find you a threat?

For me with my SIL, its status/ hierarchy. My MIL dishes out status to family, and so Im a perceived threat to that.. hence, I get this erratic hot/cold behaviour. I don't think she even knows she is doing it. It really comes down to respect. Your SIL and my SIL don't have to love us, or even like us (as nice as that would be), but they do have to respect us. Speaking negatively about you and having no interest in your life, is not respectful... so instead just stay "professional". Im learning how to just do 'Nice, aloof, emotionally unavailable'. And very boundaried. Doing things ALWAYS on my terms.. no obligation or rescuing.

With your twin, I don't recommend informing him, he seems unable to stand up to her and her BPD behaviour will make you out to be the persecutor.
I empathise with you on watching your twin brother have to go through this... so so hard. It will only get worse, but things often have to get worse before they get better... and by just being a listening ear and directing him to a therapist for help, he will gradually see it.

[formflier]

see the way in which it hooks me. I agree that I don’t have to play into it.. but getting my response right in order not to play into it is a learning curve. For me, it’s not so much about keeping boundaries (I have good boundaries and assertive skills) but knowing how to communicate in a way that keeps my dignity.

Hey kiwigal!  Can you give some examples of when you DID NOT keep your dignity or felt it was in question?  I don't get the sense that in "this particular" text about the package that you were hooked (please correct me if I've got the wrong perspective)...yet I know how there can be history in the way people relate.

I get it from personal experience that "not engaging" is often more complex than "don't engage", yet the example is true..."if someone wants to arm wrestle...all you have to do is not put up your arm"

Can you share more of the complexity that makes it not so simple for you?

FF gives thumbs up on your BIFF response to the text!  Solid.

Best,

FF