Im trying to understand

[Coppermine]

I am emotionally crushed and I'm trying to figure out if my ex, which is diagnosed with depression and anxiety might actually have BPD.

To make a long story short. We met about six months ago. She was very forward with her emotions rather quickly. I even got a bit alarmed by it, but she was so sweet and vulnerable, but also very kind and caring. Although when I met her at the gym she was a bit distant and I felt that she tried to make me jealous by speaking to other men, which I reacted to but didn't get jealous.

We were in touch every day and she was giving me compliments ( lovebombing) and when I went to work abroad for a month, we had daily contact and our relationship went on in a very natural and smooth way. She was supportive, compassionate and caring.
It felt as if I had found this unbelievable partner which saw me and understood me.
Until suddenly she withdrew out of nowhere, saying there was much going on in her life ( she had started to take antidepressants recently)
I was caring and showed that I was there for her and after a week, contact went back to normal and she was all happy and sweet again. Which I also reacted to, because she was even more euphoric and loving than before.

When I came back, she was very initiative and started expressing feelings of love, how much she misses me, that she is nervous and has butterflies when she was around me. That she never felt like this before. I was feeling it too. However I acknowledged the fact that she sometimes told me about this guy who hit on her and she repeated it a couple of times. I simply didn't react and didn't get triggered, thinking it was only her insecurities speaking and I simply don't get jealous. But I did get this feeling in my stomach, telling me something was wrong.

Then again, out of nowhere, after this beautiful night where we got very close and intimate, she became cold and distant, she literally changed over night.
I was patient, tried to speak with her but it felt as if her communications where heading downwards. This led to a phone-call where I explained that this was hurting me, I tried to tell her that I am there for her, that she shouldn't push me away if she is not feeling okay and Instead help me to learn what I can do for her. She said she needed time, which of course I gave her and told her to be alone for a couple of days and that I will be waiting. After a while our contact was only existent because of my efforts, she was withdrawing more and more. I tried to be there for her without demanding much.

I sent her a mail three weeks after the phone-call where we hardly spoke. Saying that I want to support her, that I liked her a lot and basically saying how much she means to me. To my shock, she replied saying I had hurt her deeply in that very phone-call.
That she was disappointed and incredibly hurt by me. She said I never took her depression seriously and that I treated her as a joke. She ended our relationship by saying we could only be friends. I was in total shock, as if she had perceived a totally different reality.  I wrote back saying it was unfair and that I had tried everything to accommodate her needs and that I was sorry for whatever I did but that it was never my attention to hurt her. She never replied. Leaving my with guilt, doubts and the horrible sensation of silent treatment.

I took my time and didn't contact her until I felt that enough time had passed.But it affected my badly, being left with no response and to my own thoughts where I started questioning my own sanity or perception of reality. After two weeks I sent her a text saying that I am there if she would ever need me. No response. I then reflected on my behavior and decided to send her a last email, to get a closure for myself by simply asking forgiveness for whatever hurt I had caused and release myself from the guilt. I wrote that I will always care for her, that I am still in love but that I can be there as a friend and that I never wished to harm her. I tried to wrap it up on good terms.

To my shock, she replied again  with further accusations, saying how bad what I did was, ( I still dont know what I did) She said she was angry about people not believing her and that I had disappointed her. That she had never opened up to anyone like she did to me and that she now knows it was a misstake. She said she doesn't want anything to do with me and that I should never contact her again. She also felt the need  to tell me she was seeing this guy and that he makes her so happy, that he is understanding and believes in everything she says. ( this is a month after break up) She continued with harsh words that went straight through my heart and told me that depression is real wether I believe it or not (I had never questioned it) and that depression has thought her who truly deserves her attention.
But then she told me we could still be friends and greet each-other? As if she couldn't see how bad she was treating me or how her response was nothing than hurtful. 
Everything was so contradictory.

Now, a week after her response, I learned she is traveling with this new guy. It hurts  a lot, knowing I tried everything to be there for her, whatever I did just wasn't enough. I have never felt this drained, emotionally or physically. I am trying to figure out what happened. My GP told me she was displaying traits of borderline. I know for sure she had depression and anxiety. 

I am currently jumping between her not being a healthy person, treating me in this irrational, cruel, abnormal and unfair way, or if it was me who did something wrong, perhaps I was too fast and pushed her away? Even though she was the one taking emotional initiative. I just dont know how I can ever believe in people again, when someone shows so much love, compassion and care, to all of a sudden act as If I have never existed and that I am a villain or a bad guy in their life. It hurts beyond measure.

Can anyone give me any perspective or advice?



 

 

 

[izzitme]

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this trauma. And it truly is an emotional trauma. From what I am learning here and what I experience in my own relationship, her behavior does sound Borderline. Like me, I hope you can get some peace from studying the disorder and how it makes people behave. I strongly and compassionately invite you to release yourself from guilt. You did the best you could within the situation you thought you were living in. Unfortunately, BPD creates an alternate reality with some parts a complete illusion. From my experience, there is nothing you could have done that would have been good enough. You had to become the "bad" one because that is the nature of the illness. I was treated with so much love, acceptance and showered with gifts and praise. I truly felt like for the first time someone saw me and loved me for who I was. I didn't come to the relationship completely healthy or in the best life's circumstances, so it was easy for me to get sucked in. Like a switch, all the love and praise turned off and was replaced by accusations and constant criticism. I believed I did something wrong because how could someone so great turn like that. It had to be my fault. I began running on a hamster wheel and lost my whole identity. That is how I am currently living. I understand your pain and self-doubt. Give yourself time to heal and release yourself from guilt. You deserve peace and I hope by hearing our similar stories and reading about the illness you can find that peace here and grow as a person.


Take care.

[Cat Familiar]

If you haven't yet see the diagnostic criteria for BPD, here it is:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

*Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

*A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

*Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

*Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

*Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

*Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

*Chronic feelings of emptiness.

*Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

*Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Here's a good article:  I think it's BPD, but how can I know?

[Coppermine]

Thank you @izzitme

The fact is that I am stuck thinking that perhaps it was me, not being understanding enough and that I took things too personally when she withdrew.It feels as if she thinks I should have read her mind and just always bend to her will and moods. As soon as we got more intimate she just changed. I will never forget her eyes one evening when she wouldn't even greet me at a party, they seemed black and empty as if she had lost every bit of feelings for me, as if I was a stranger begging for a hug.

I tried show my support and respected her distance. I took her silent treatment as a symptom of the depression. Thinking she was going through a depressive episode. But the shock when she lashed out and blamed me for things I wasn't even aware of was devastating, saying how tired she was of my supportive texts. How I didn't take her seriously. How she wanted to just put an end to our relation because she has had it with me. In other words, she had it with the guy who didn't play games? Who showed concern, love, care? She made me feel like I was nothing.

I dont think she knows that she might have bpd. But her rage against me was really unjustified and left me thinking I was this creep who couldn't get a "hint" and kept on pursuing her. As if we never created this bond, as if she had never liked me nor cared for me. As if our relationship never took place and was all just constructed in my mind. 

And now, a month later, she is with another guy, posting pictures on Instagram saying how lucky she is with him is litterally killing me. What makes it harder, is that she made it official with the pictures. She never did that with me. Almost six months of bonding, contact, care and concern. I feel used, I feel trashed and emotionally carved to pieces.

[Macy345]

I can so relate to this post! I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. Driving myself insane by the whole situation by trying to understand why one reacts and feels a certain way towards us. The relationship starts so intense and within seconds someone can just cut you out of their life. It isn't easy but understanding the illness definitely helps the healing process.

[Coppermine]

Hey mac345! Im so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find the strength to move forward.
For me, the worst thing is thatI feel so ashamed for giving so much and tolerating things I wouldn't normally do. I was with this girl for almost 6 months, and all that I did in the end to show how much I care for her, she just waved it away as nothing, as If I was some lunatic chasing her. And I did everything out of true feelings and concern for her. She just cut me off like we were nothing. As if she never spoke those beautiful things to me. As if she never liked me at all. As if it was all just made up by my own imagination. I dont know anything anymore.

[once removed]

how are you holding up Coppermine?