Husband was told he has BPD traits but I think I may be the one with a disorder

[MTS123]

Hey everyone.

Our marriage therapist told my husband he has BPD traits and said she'll refer him to a specialist for an official diagnosis.  He chose not to see the specialist and our therapist said she will no longer treat him individually.  I have been so emotionally overwhelmed that I think I may be the one with a disorder, although our therapist has not told me so.  Is it common for the spouse of someone with BPD to feel this way?

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi MTS123, welcome to the boards!

I would say it's common to feel off center and overwhelmed when in a relationship that is emotionally unstable. Can you maybe tell us a little more about yourself and your relationship?
We're here to listen

Warmly
Scarlet

[MTS123]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix.  Thank you for your reply. 

We've been together for 18 years but married 8.  We used to fight multiple times a day every day about mundane things.  It's been this way since the beginning of our relationship but although I saw red flags, I always thought I was only emotionally overwhelmed because I was too weak and too sensitive.  So instead of thinking something may be wrong with him or our relationship, I tried to change myself.  But the problems continued. 

In 2013 we saw a couples therapist once and we never went back because my husband said the therapist was on my side.  We tried therapy again last year and my husband said that therapist was also on my side so we never went back.

Then, earlier this year, he went into a verbal rage and I told him I've had enough and I'm leaving.  I just felt too emotionally overwhelmed to handle the marriage anymore.  The same day I told my husband I was leaving, he made an appointment with another therapist.  She told him he has BPD traits.  My husband had a "falling out" with her and she said she will no longer treat him individually but will refer him to someone else.

My husband has lost faith in therapists in general and feels like they don't care about him and they're "playing games" with him.  So now he says he doesn't need therapy and he'll just read books to get better.  But I'm starting to lose hope that things will get better.

I'm so emotionally overwhelmed and it feels so lonely because outside of my therapist,  I'm going through this alone.  I have a big family but I don't currently have a support system because until a couple of days ago, I never told them anything was happening.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for sharing a bit more. 18 years, that's a long time together. Please know that you are not alone anymore.  You'll find lots of members here who share many similarities with you and who truly understands what've you're going through.

I'm sorry your husband didn't want to continue therapy. It's quite normal, although it can seem devastating to us as partners. We want them to change and it can feel so hopeless when they don't seem to 'get it'. Therapy for our partners is not primordial, though. Many members here have had partners who never got therapy, but they were still able to get to a more stable partnership. There are things you can do on your own that can help you, and help the relationship. You'll see as you start reading and posting here.

I'm glad you have a therapist! And now you have also shared with your family. How did they react? I found that when I finally told someone, they said they had already realised something was off.

[Granite Chief]

Thank god we have People with so much experience on here like Scarlet Phoenix.

I felt exactly that way! I was like that me I am going crazy. You and I probably have some of the same traits because we are attracted to someone with BPD and did not think it was strange.

[MTS123]

@Granite Chief,

What are some of the traits you believe made you attracted to someone with BPD?  I'm curious to see if I have those traits as well.

[Granite Chief]

Caretaker
Grew up in extreme dysfunction so I am able to forget fights fast. (My mom was BPD)
When most people would run I do not.
If a woman is boring I leave
I am a perfectionist and critical to myself
I am able to take on a lot of high stress because I ignore a lot if the none sense.
When things go wrong I work harder
I will stop doing things I enjoy to please them.
I do not see threats like she does.
She is in defcon 3 and I do not see a problem...I try to adjust but can not.