Did she have BPD or am I just coping?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I first met this girl about 3 years ago through mutual friends. She was drop dead gorgeous and almost everything I was looking for in a girl. Shared interests, connected on a lot of things but she was extremely shy and reserved. We hung out maybe 3-4 times but she broke things off and got back with an ex of hers. I was disappointed but figured I simply goofed somewhere attraction wise, chalked it up as a loss. Moved on and stayed friends with her through social media.

Early this year around February she starts to reach out to me to hang out. Tells me her relationship is over. I enthusiastically jumped back in. First date I get her back to my place but apparently she didn't realize she had bad cat allergies so she had to leave (I have a lot of cats). After this I go to hang out at her place the next time, she tells me she's on that time of the month so nothing really happens.

I try to set up another date, she starts flaking, giving me excuses. Again disappointed, I chalked it up to she lost interest and went about my life. 3 weeks later she again starts reaching out as if nothing happened, wanting to hang out again. I again agree, this time we go back to my place and we finally have sex (she had taken some allergy meds).

I figured at this point I got over the hump. Set up another date, this time we end up doing MDMA together in my room. While under the influence she opens up to me and tells me all her deepest secrets, things she says she never tells anyone...needless to say I was quite surprised by a lot of it.

• Multiple suicide attempts
• Cutting, showed me her scars (they seemed very old)
• Low self esteem/anxiety/depression
• Father was overly strict, basically kept her prisoner, she only got freedom when he went to prison
• Says no emotion was shown in her family, didn't even hug each other until they were older
• Says she hates her father, wanted his love but it was never given

I thought wow, she opened up to me emotionally, we're getting closer, etc.
She tells me how wonderful it was and leaves. I contact her days later to set up another hang out. She gives me excuses. Says she has migraines. Stops really contacting me or messaging, seems to get distant. At this point I'm starting to get really stressed and frankly tired of the constant on/off hot/cold behavior. I just do like before and wait. 2 weeks later she agrees to hang out again. Seems like she's showing more PDA this time, seems affectionate, everything seems fine until we get back to the bedroom. She starts seeming uncomfortable and gives resistance to sex. Ends up leaving. I was puzzled. Set up another hang out the next week...same thing. This time we go back to her place, she changes into little shorts and we make out, touch, cuddle, etc. but once it gets to sex again there is resistance and she seems uncomfortable. I again just end up leaving.

That's basically the last time I saw her. I set up another meet, she says yes, but before the day comes she sends me a text saying though she finds me attractive and loves my personality, something didn't feel "quite right" and she wants to back away from dating. Also mentioned me having lots of cats as a reason as well. I basically accepted the decision and told her let me know if she changes her mind.

I started really analyzing things to see where I went wrong and the only thing I could think of was perhaps she was testing me the last few meetups to see if I'd be "man" enough to push for sex despite her resistance...but that felt out of my comfort zone as far as consent especially in this day and age (even though I know some women like that) and it seems weird she'd test in that manner AFTER we had already had sex and opened up to each other previously.

I don't recall how I stumbled onto it but I then came across BPD...some of the symptoms jumped out but the others didn't fit. Then I came across BPD Waif/Hermit and things started flashing bingo.

I rewind back and start to notice other things I glossed over:

• Very early on she mentioned her relationship history, including having dated a "psycho" ex who was abusive and how she ended up in debt, etc...basically setting the stage for victimhood.
• Magical thinking - she thought she had "witchy powers" and how certain things would manifest from her thoughts. Also believed in other paranormal things.
• Strong opinions/know-it-all she would have ideas like "caffeine is bad" and would be adamant about it
• Her last ex, she had cohabitated with him and had been paranoid he was cheating on her, told me she had even checked his phone. Placed much of the blame of the failed relationship on him not being attentive. Admitted he spent a ton of money on her buying her everything.
• She would tell me things like she had a "bad week" and would seem to be in bed at odd times, also things like migraines or "feeling sick" often
• Very few close friends, had a fallout with the only female friend she had, her "bestie" and they no longer talk
• Has tattoos near her gential area that she got in her late teens
• When we had sex, it was unprotected and she never mentioned anything or seemed to care
• She would speed/drive recklessly
• Speaks in a very childlike voice at times
• Already had a new guy/dating profile set up immediately after cutting things off with me
• Ex looked like an extremely average guy...yet apparently he was the one that dumped HER and refused to marry or have kids with her
• Has this sweet, pristine good girl exterior that seems to be a facade

All in all this lasted about 4-5 months but the exposure wasn't that much due to the hang outs being so sparse and spread out. My friends thought she was jerking me around with the whole going hot/cold thing and thought I shouldn't have been putting up with such treatment. She would hang out basically only at her convenience knowing I'd be there to say yes. I was just so enamored with her like I've never been with any other girl...even thought it wasn't substantial as far as time I'm still having bad withdrawls.

I'm now trying to figure if she really was a quiet BPD or if I'm just framing things as such to feel better about the rejection. I was concluding that perhaps she felt like I got too close to her after she revealed so much to me while under the influence and some fear of intimacy/closeness led to her discarding me because it was after that when she began to act different. I also started to think, there must be a reason she's 30 yet as beautiful and seemingly terrific she is, hasn't had any substantial lasting relationships or any guy lock her down. People close to me think I dodged a bullet, and reading some of the BPD horror stories, if she really is a case then I'd have to say I did.

She's contacted me once after she cut me off, almost acting as if nothing happened, sending me stuff related to a video game we both have common interest in. At this point I'm thinking whether she is BPD or not I'm simply done and getting off the anxiety rollercoaster that is dating her...but she's really so intoxicating I'm not sure that I wouldn't get sucked back in.

I'm curious what everyone's thoughts/analysis of her would be. BPD or not she clearly does have some kind of issues.

One last funny thing, she told me she used to believe love didn't exist and compared herself to Summer from 500 Days of Summer...one of her favorite films...which is a character that many feel represents a BPD female

[OS_Surfer]

So I first met this girl about 3 years ago through mutual friends. She was drop dead gorgeous and almost everything I was looking for in a girl. Shared interests, connected on a lot of things but she was extremely shy and reserved. We hung out maybe 3-4 times but she broke things off and got back with an ex of hers. I was disappointed but figured I simply goofed somewhere attraction wise, chalked it up as a loss. Moved on and stayed friends with her through social media.

Early this year around February she starts to reach out to me to hang out. Tells me her relationship is over. I enthusiastically jumped back in. First date I get her back to my place but apparently she didn't realize she had bad cat allergies so she had to leave (I have a lot of cats). After this I go to hang out at her place the next time, she tells me she's on that time of the month so nothing really happens.

I try to set up another date, she starts flaking, giving me excuses. Again disappointed, I chalked it up to she lost interest and went about my life. 3 weeks later she again starts reaching out as if nothing happened, wanting to hang out again. I again agree, this time we go back to my place and we finally have sex (she had taken some allergy meds).

I figured at this point I got over the hump. Set up another date, this time we end up doing MDMA together in my room. While under the influence she opens up to me and tells me all her deepest secrets, things she says she never tells anyone...needless to say I was quite surprised by a lot of it.

• Multiple suicide attempts
• Cutting, showed me her scars (they seemed very old)
• Low self esteem/anxiety/depression
• Father was overly strict, basically kept her prisoner, she only got freedom when he went to prison
• Says no emotion was shown in her family, didn't even hug each other until they were older
• Says she hates her father, wanted his love but it was never given

I thought wow, she opened up to me emotionally, we're getting closer, etc.
She tells me how wonderful it was and leaves. I contact her days later to set up another hang out. She gives me excuses. Says she has migraines. Stops really contacting me or messaging, seems to get distant. At this point I'm starting to get really stressed and frankly tired of the constant on/off hot/cold behavior. I just do like before and wait. 2 weeks later she agrees to hang out again. Seems like she's showing more PDA this time, seems affectionate, everything seems fine until we get back to the bedroom. She starts seeming uncomfortable and gives resistance to sex. Ends up leaving. I was puzzled. Set up another hang out the next week...same thing. This time we go back to her place, she changes into little shorts and we make out, touch, cuddle, etc. but once it gets to sex again there is resistance and she seems uncomfortable. I again just end up leaving.

That's basically the last time I saw her. I set up another meet, she says yes, but before the day comes she sends me a text saying though she finds me attractive and loves my personality, something didn't feel "quite right" and she wants to back away from dating. Also mentioned me having lots of cats as a reason as well. I basically accepted the decision and told her let me know if she changes her mind.

I started really analyzing things to see where I went wrong and the only thing I could think of was perhaps she was testing me the last few meetups to see if I'd be "man" enough to push for sex despite her resistance...but that felt out of my comfort zone as far as consent especially in this day and age (even though I know some women like that) and it seems weird she'd test in that manner AFTER we had already had sex and opened up to each other previously.

I don't recall how I stumbled onto it but I then came across BPD...some of the symptoms jumped out but the others didn't fit. Then I came across BPD Waif/Hermit and things started flashing bingo.

I rewind back and start to notice other things I glossed over:

• Very early on she mentioned her relationship history, including having dated a "psycho" ex who was abusive and how she ended up in debt, etc...basically setting the stage for victimhood.
• Magical thinking - she thought she had "witchy powers" and how certain things would manifest from her thoughts. Also believed in other paranormal things.
• Strong opinions/know-it-all she would have ideas like "caffeine is bad" and would be adamant about it
• Her last ex, she had cohabitated with him and had been paranoid he was cheating on her, told me she had even checked his phone. Placed much of the blame of the failed relationship on him not being attentive. Admitted he spent a ton of money on her buying her everything.
• She would tell me things like she had a "bad week" and would seem to be in bed at odd times, also things like migraines or "feeling sick" often
• Very few close friends, had a fallout with the only female friend she had, her "bestie" and they no longer talk
• Has tattoos near her gential area that she got in her late teens
• When we had sex, it was unprotected and she never mentioned anything or seemed to care
• She would speed/drive recklessly
• Speaks in a very childlike voice at times
• Already had a new guy/dating profile set up immediately after cutting things off with me
• Ex looked like an extremely average guy...yet apparently he was the one that dumped HER and refused to marry or have kids with her
• Has this sweet, pristine good girl exterior that seems to be a facade

All in all this lasted about 4-5 months but the exposure wasn't that much due to the hang outs being so sparse and spread out. My friends thought she was jerking me around with the whole going hot/cold thing and thought I shouldn't have been putting up with such treatment. She would hang out basically only at her convenience knowing I'd be there to say yes. I was just so enamored with her like I've never been with any other girl...even thought it wasn't substantial as far as time I'm still having bad withdrawls.

I'm now trying to figure if she really was a quiet BPD or if I'm just framing things as such to feel better about the rejection. I was concluding that perhaps she felt like I got too close to her after she revealed so much to me while under the influence and some fear of intimacy/closeness led to her discarding me because it was after that when she began to act different. I also started to think, there must be a reason she's 30 yet as beautiful and seemingly terrific she is, hasn't had any substantial lasting relationships or any guy lock her down. People close to me think I dodged a bullet, and reading some of the BPD horror stories, if she really is a case then I'd have to say I did.

She's contacted me once after she cut me off, almost acting as if nothing happened, sending me stuff related to a video game we both have common interest in. At this point I'm thinking whether she is BPD or not I'm simply done and getting off the anxiety rollercoaster that is dating her...but she's really so intoxicating I'm not sure that I wouldn't get sucked back in.

I'm curious what everyone's thoughts/analysis of her would be. BPD or not she clearly does have some kind of issues.

One last funny thing, she told me she used to believe love didn't exist and compared herself to Summer from 500 Days of Summer...one of her favorite films...which is a character that many feel represents a BPD female

[once removed]

hi OS_Surfer, and

sorry to hear about the roller coaster, man. BPD or not, it sounds very frustrating.

I'm now trying to figure if she really was a quiet BPD or if I'm just framing things as such to feel better about the rejection.

its an insightful question. i know that in my case, it was a little of both - my ex would probably not qualify for a BPD diagnosis, but she has traits, and BPD traits can make for a very difficult person, and a difficult and loaded relationship bond that can leave some complex wounds; a deep sense of rejection is one of them.

heres a useful resource: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

if this person has BPD traits (cutting, suicide attempts, and low self esteem are hallmarks), then BPD can be a useful label that can help you better understand what youve been through, and how you can heal; it was for me.

so how are you holding up? did you respond to her last contact?

[OutOfEgypt]

Regardless of if she is BPD or not, I'd run for the hills.  Let's put it this way, if you had a young-adult son who was dating someone just like this, would you be happy for him or really, really scared for him?  I would be scared.  I think you dodged a bullet, too. ;)

[OS_Surfer]

so how are you holding up? did you respond to her last contact?

I replied shortly saying cool, have a nice weekend and haven't had contact since.

Pretty sure she has moved onto a new guy already. I'm also in the process of moving on but she's still taking up so much mental real estate and it's really irritating. I've been trying to distract myself and keep busy as much as possible but I'm the type of person who is always in his own head, an overthinker type and I get stuck in loops thinking about her and our past interactions.

I've never been like this over a female...it makes me realize that had things progressed further and she did end up being BPD I would have been in pretty big trouble...I'm realizing now that I have some people pleaser/codependence issues I never knew about and that I need to work on.

[gotbushels]

OS_Surfer welcome.  

That's an impressive title question.

I'm also in the process of moving on but she's still taking up so much mental real estate and it's really irritating.

I appreciate what you mean. Often when people get closer together with others, and even intimately, it gets more difficult to get that mental and heart separation we once had before they were a part of our lives. When these thoughts of our former partner distract us while we're trying to get other things done—then I know it may feel irritating. Very much so. I encourage you to keep going. Yes—it gets easier.

What else do you have in your life right now?

[...] I'm the type of person who is always in his own head, an overthinker type and I get stuck in loops thinking about her and our past interactions.

I know what it's like being in the position. It seems like you're pretty stuck, irritated, never having been like this—which can result from battling the thoughts rather than accepting things. I think one thing you can here is practicing purposeful acceptance. To me I thought it was quite a hippie idea, but after quieting the scientist in my head—getting it done a few times—I think it's quite a life changing tool.

I've never been like this over a female...

I've repeated this idea to myself so many times. Many of us have. Moving forward, I realised there's some truth to it, and some untruth. Yes, I've been in breakups before. Some requested by me, some requested by my partner at the time—dumping is a request after all. So realising that, it's not really as bad as the catastrophe of 'never' having been through a grieving process. Grieving over friends, cats, dogs, humans, family, relationships, we've been through various things like this before. I think a lot of the process is the same.

I hope you'll share more. Enjoy your weekend.

[once removed]

I'm realizing now that I have some people pleaser/codependence issues I never knew about and that I need to work on.

youre in good company; a good place to do that work. i hope youll stick around.

a bad breakup can expose deep wounds. when that happens, we have the opportunity to let time simply dull the pain, or do the hard work to heal and to go onto better, more rewarding relationships.

I get stuck in loops thinking about her and our past interactions.

whats on your mind?

[OS_Surfer]

whats on your mind?

I guess even with her history and things I learned I still have lingering doubts if she had BPD and keep replaying certain events wondering if I messed up, or I did something wrong in this specific instance causing her to lose attraction, etc. I think it's the fact I never really saw any extreme BPD behaviors or emotional instability while interacting with her, and even some things like hot/cold can be things any female would do...so that makes me question things and put blame on myself and with how my mind works I just keep trying to find an answer that I know can't be found.

Her admitted history is mostly what points to the condition...is it possible for someone with her past to have been fully recovered and normal even with therapy?

The fact she was extremely beautiful and outwardly shy, feminine, etc. just twists things up in my mind all that much more. It really does feel like drug withdrawals as I felt so high when being with her. 

[once removed]

I guess even with her history and things I learned I still have lingering doubts if she had BPD and keep replaying certain events wondering if I messed up

this may have a lot to do with the title of your thread.

It really does feel like drug withdrawals as I felt so high when being with her. 

there is a piece from our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD that speaks to this:

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

this is a significant loss for you, on a number of levels.

i know when i was going through it myself, there were some simple explanations for how and why my relationship broke down, but the mere suggestion of that would cause me to go into a total tailspin. i needed, for a time, to believe that in the end, my ex had bpd and (therefore) there was nothing i could have done. the truth was somewhere in the middle. my ex had significant bpd traits that made for a very difficult, and damaging person. at the same time, i played a role in the relationship dysfunction/breakdown, and in fact some of what we went through was actually fairly typical relationship conflict.

all of these things can be true at the same time.

before i could really get there though, i had to accept that my relationship was over, and mourn and grieve it completely. before a person has really done that, and when their self esteem is in tatters, these things can be difficult to sort out, even if you want to.

i think that you are on the right track in exploring BPD traits/behavior as a dynamic in your relationship. i think you will lose sight of the bigger picture if you stop there.