What do I say to the Counselor

[Wilkinson]

I finally moved out of my house last night.  I told my uBPDw that I have an apartment and that my lawyer will be contacting her for setting up visitation for our four kids.  She has said, she will not go along with that and that I will have to fight it.  I didn't see any other viable option to separating. My wife would berate me all the time, in front of the kids.  If I were to try and leave the situation, she would either block my path, or in some cases followed me to my office.  If she told me to stay out of the house and I came home anyways, she'd pack the kids in the car, leave, and wouldn't come back until I had left.  I don't know if it really is BPD or something else, but I can't live like this and I know my kids can't live like this.  My work is suffering and I'm falling behind. I'm hoping this drastic action will be the breaking point that she might get some help. 

A little over a month ago she set us up with marriage counseling with a psychologist.  He has helped others with their marriage and helped our son with anxiety.  However, we have seen him six or seven times both together and individually.   I have tried to be up front with him on what is going on, and either he doesn't believe me or see the gravity of the situation.  He emphasizes that I can't change I can only change myself.  I agree with that.  I also know in BPD we as nons have some responsibility to not make things worse and to not allow certain behaviors.  However, I'm exhausted.  My wife does not like it when I try to maintain boundaries and I have been punished before in doing so. 

I'm leaving in a little bit to go to a joint session with our psychologist.  My wife is asking that I not move into an apartment for a week.  Give it a week and go to two counseling sessions.  I've heard this before.  This is not the first time I was ready to separate, it is just the first time I have actually done it.  Last time, I stayed with an agreement to give it 30 days and once I agreed, the berating continued and she kicked me out of the house for 10 days because I refused to let myself be controlled. 

If all the experts on this forum were to be able to watch what is going on in my house, I'm sure they could give me a few pointers on how to improve things, but I firmly believe I'm at the point where I can now only make small differences, but it's still a big issue.  Oh let's see, let's say that having a healthy marriage is like having good gas mileage in a car.  I can do all sorts of things to improve the mileage.   I have my tires properly inflated, I do regular maintenance, I drive carefully all to improve my mileage. However, if I need to be at 30 miles per gallon and I'm driving a 10 cylinder truck, it will never happen. I can only do so much.  That's how my marriage feels.  I can do all sorts of things to improve the situation, but until she recognizes her part and is willing to accept it, I can only do so much and I just can't bear the burden of feeling like I'm responsible for the events of the situation anymore, which is what I feel like the psychologist is telling me.

I don't believe he's trained or experienced in abuse or BPD.  He has focused more on anxiety and ADD issues, which is why we first went to him with our son.  So, I've been trying to get through to him the severity of our situation and that I disagree with his approach, but he seems to think we are just a normal couple with a standard marital squabble.

What can I say to him?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

I don't believe he's trained or experienced in abuse or BPD.  He has focused more on anxiety and ADD issues, which is why we first went to him with our son.  So, I've been trying to get through to him the severity of our situation and that I disagree with his approach, but he seems to think we are just a normal couple with a standard marital squabble. . .

He emphasizes that I can't change I can only change myself.  I agree with that. . .

. . .  My wife does not like it when I try to maintain boundaries and I have been punished before in doing so. 

What can I say to him?

Hi Wilkinson:

Sorry about the situation with your partner. Your therapist is right, you can only change yourself.  What can be a deal breaker is when change is one sided.  If a partner never tries, insists the problems are all you - that doesn't give you much hope. 

Sounds like you have a critical need to focus on your job performance. Past behaviors generally predict future behaviors.  One way to approach things is to follow through with your plan to separate, but then continue to work on things with your partner. (as opposed to repeating the past).  Let her demonstrate that she can and will change, before moving back.

I think you need to be as honest and straight forward with your therapist, as you have been here.  Tell your therapist that your marriage hasn't improved since starting marriage counseling and that you feel invalidated, after your sessions.

Perhaps, you can tell the therapist that either counseling is not going to work with your partner (because of a lack of her willingness to change), or that a different therapy style is needed - perhaps with someone who regularly works with BPD clients. Perhaps ask your current therapist for a referral to someone who has a practice that treats BPD clients regularly. You may have to do your own research.

Most people tend to feel more validated, when they have a therapist who has experience with BPD clients.  Don't worry about hurting your therapist's feelings, they should be well aware that they aren't a good fit for all clients.