BPD sister in law - don't know how to cope

[fightorflight]

My sister in law has BPD and I don't know how to cope with the family situation.

I'll give some background about how I've arrived at this point.

I should mention that up until less than a year ago she was undiagnosed and we had no idea what was wrong for many years.

She and I became friends about 8 years ago and I met my husband through her. When I started dating her brother, I began to realise that she had some problems, one being alcohol addiction. At this time my husband had already "had enough of her" due to a history of verbal and physical abuse towards him, selfish and manipulative behaviour and general unreliability. Despite this, I didn't think she was that bad and encouraged him to try and nurture his relationship with his sister.

As time went on I witnessed more and more aggressive and explosive anger from her and a couple of times it was directed towards me. At first I dismissed it as part of her fiery nature and didn't take it personally.

The turning point for me was an abusive text message to myself and my husband full of name calling and accusations. This was followed up not by an apology but weeks of silent treatment and bad mouthing of me to mutual friends.

Over the years I've been subjected to emotional abuse from her in the form of being ignored, invalidated, made to feel guilty and what I now understand to be projection and smear campaigning. She also used to steal from our home.

For the first 18 months or so, I did nothing because I didn't want to rock the boat (me being the in law of her family). When it got too much I emailed her to explain her behaviour and how it had hurt me. This only made the situation worse.

I tried seeing a counsellor which helped me get through some difficult family gathering but I still couldn't handle times when she would make horrible accusations. She has accused me of upsetting her entire family and being the only person who has not made an effort. I feel such a sense of injustice because through it all we would always make an effort and invite her to things and acknowledge her, regardless of her behaviour. I now realise she was projecting but it still hurts.

I tried sitting down with her and talking about everything openly. While it was great to finally speak my mind, she was still unable to acknowledge her behaviour and tried to turn it back around onto me. She refuses to apologise and sees herself as the victim.

It was only after this that she was diagnosed so now some of her behaviour makes more sense, but it doesn't malke it any easier for me. I've been seeing a psychologist for the last year and it has helped but only so much. Does anyone have tips for coping?

I have suffered from depression for the last 5 years and while I can't say it's because of what happened with my SIL, it is most certainly a contributing factor.

I can't even hear or read her name (even if it's another person of the same name) without feeling sick. Even as I write this I feel dizzy and nauseous. I feel so upset by her behaviour that I seem unable to process it.

Part of the difficulty is that her parents (my inlaws) want myself and my husband to "give her another chance". They just don't understand what I have gone through personally or the fact that it's nearly torn my husband and I apart. They focus on her because she is the one who is outwardly suffering but they don't see how it's tearing us apart. We have talked to the parents a bit but my father in law has cancer and he is really declining at the moment and I feel like they don't need any more stress.

What do I do?

[Turkish]

Hello fightorflight,



I'm sorry about your parents-in-law. Likely they do know what you are going through, but then again, they don't because their role is different. Though it's understandable that they would want you to "mend fences" (or whatever they are thinking), this seems like it's more for them than you and their son.

Though I don't feel that they are maniuplating you to abuse you, it's still hurtful for them to deny how bad it is. All in all, you aren't responsible for their feelings.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Has your SIL been in treatment for either the mental issues or the substance abuse, or is she in denial?

Turkish

[fightorflight]

Hi Turkish,

Thanks for your post and the suggested link.

I'm not sure that the parents in law do know what I am going through. I don't think they are being manipulative or abusive either, but I think they put the needs of my SIL as a priority because she appears to need the most help. While I understand (being a parent myself) that they don't want to give up on their daughter, I think they focus so much on her that they seem blinded to the needs of the rest of us. I know that they feel guilty (responsible) about her condition and I wonder if this ties in with their need to mend the family.

I don't think my SIL is in denial about her alcohol addiction, but I can't comment on how she feels about her diagnosis. About 5 years ago, she stopped drinking for close to 12 months (I think) and attended AA for some of that time. During that time she became very withdrawn and developed an eating disorder. She went into a rehabilitation facility for substance abuse (alcohol) earlier this year. My understanding is that the program of rehabilitation would take between 3 - 6 months. She left after 6 weeks and I don't know if she's drinking again. I don't know if she has received any treatment for BPD.

Thanks again for your post and I'm keen to hear any other thoughts on the situation.

fightorflight

[Suzn]

Hello fightorflight

Welcome! I'm sorry you are struggling with your inlaws.    It can be painful when we are dealing with mental illness in the family. We get that here.

I know that they feel guilty (responsible) about her condition and I wonder if this ties in with their need to mend the family.

You are probably right here, if one feels this is the easy route to "fixing" things, that attempting to control the other members of a family so that they don't have to walk on eggshells as much. It doesn't work, as you are seeing. I agree with Turkish, this is more about how uncomfortable they feel. A parent with an adult child with BPD can go through many feelings, the worst of this being fear and helplessness.

With your sister in law being diagnosed, is she in therapy now and are her parents looking to learn more about her diagnosis? With her father fighting cancer and declining, BPD behaviors can get worse as this will likely affect fears of abandonment she may have.

It's good to hear you are working with a therapist for yourself, it's one of the highest forms of self care. Taking care of you comes first. Learning more about BPD may help quite a bit in coping with your situation. There are specific communication skills necessary when dealing with a pwBPD that one needs to master for a more successful relationship. Things can get better. Your sister in laws behaviors were there long before you were in her life and working to not take these behaviors personally can be help.

Over to the right of your screen are Lessons that will help you in this aspect. --->

Here is an example of one of the workshops just to get you started. COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others

Glad you found us fightorflight, looking forward to hearing more of your story. Keep posting, it helps.  

[fightorflight]

Hi Suzn,

Thank you for your input and ideas.

I don't know if my SIL is in therapy - we've had very little to do with her over the past 12 months.

Yes, her parents are trying to understand her diagnosis. Her mum in particular does a lot of reading about BPD and I think they communicate openly with each other reasonably frequently. Having studied psychology, her mother is naturally very curious about her daughter's condition. Her mother is also very compassionate and has been trying for years to understand her daughter. I think the diagnosis was some relief to the parents because at least know they know what they are dealing with.

It's probably useful for me to keep in mind that her father's declining health might exacerbate her condition - I know he has been a great support to her over the years. In fact he's probably the most unconditionally accepting person in her life. As sad as it is, I have found that my father in laws health does help to keep things in perspective regarding what is important.

I have been trying to learn about BPD. I've read 'Walking on Eggshells' and 'Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - a family guide for healing and change'. I read whatever I can find on the internet - in particular, I'm interested in reading about how it feels to have BPD. I figure that if I can understand how she's feeling, it might make more sense to me.

One of the hardest things for me to understand (and I realise this is not uncommon in BPD) is the apparent competence or seeming ability to turn it on and off. My SIL is successful in her work life. She is highly intelligent and if you met her for the first time, would likely find her to be articulate, engaging and entertaining. But there are different sets of behaviour on different occasions. She has had a lot of romantic relationships and when she is single, she is withdrawn and irritable. When she is in a relationship she appears exuberant to the point of being obnoxious. It's annoying to have to go along with these extremes. I feel terrible every time I meet another boyfriend of hers, because I know it's likely to be over within months. I feel like I'm part of a lie by pretending everything is normal.

The other difficulty I have with letting go and not taking it personally, is that I have felt she has directed her anger/hurt towards me unfairly. For example, if there has been a conflict in the past between my SIL and us (my husband and I) she seems to be much more forgiving towards her brother. Perhaps because they have a sibling bond and she has a deeper trust in him. But it's hurtful to be the one that gets ignored and given the cold shoulder and I find myself feeling that she sees me as the problem.

I have read the article on validation and I've tried to look at myself critically and to think of times when I would have been invalidating to her. As I read this I thought about when I talked to her about what had happened between us. It's hard to validate to someone that doesn't seem take responsibility for their actions. I stated what had happened and how I felt about that but her responses were dismissive and invalidating, such as "that happened ages ago", "we all do stupid things when we're young", "I've apologised a million times". It's hard to validate somebody who sees things and remembers things differently (or doesn't remember at all).

There have been so many times in the past that I've felt that no matter what I do, it won't be right. I guess this is where walking on eggshells comes from. Being respectful, patient, assertive, doing nothing - all seem to lead to the same end.

Thanks for reading and responding. Just writing this down is a huge help.

As always, I'm interested in hearing other people's ideas about coping with BPD family.

fightorflight

[Turkish]

For understanding how it might feel to have BPD, this might help:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

[Suzn]

if there has been a conflict in the past between my SIL and us (my husband and I) she seems to be much more forgiving towards her brother. Perhaps because they have a sibling bond and she has a deeper trust in him. But it's hurtful to be the one that gets ignored and given the cold shoulder and I find myself feeling that she sees me as the problem.

I'm sorry this is painful for you, it would be for anyone. One thing to keep in mind here is, from what you've explained, her family has few boundaries with your SIL's behaviors. Would it sound accurate that if they are used to walking on eggshells then it's likely there have been poor boundaries, no natural consequences for out of control behavior? If this is accurate then you could very well be "seen" by your SIL as a problem to her and her brother's relationship. Similar to a child playing two parents against each other.

It's hard to validate to someone that doesn't seem take responsibility for their actions.  It's hard to validate somebody who sees things and remembers things differently (or doesn't remember at all).

Validation isn't about agreement or who's right or wrong. Validation is about active listening, hearing what is being said and showing you've heard what was said in your response. When you validate what someone says, they feel heard.

Validation - Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family (52 minute video)

There have been so many times in the past that I've felt that no matter what I do, it won't be right. I guess this is where walking on eggshells comes from. Being respectful, patient, assertive, doing nothing - all seem to lead to the same end.

Don't give up, the communication skills that are necessary take some practice. Being respectful, patient, being assertive and sometimes doing nothing (self control) are your values which in turn help you determine your boundaries.  

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There is a lot of information in the lessons, take your time. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on these.

 

[fightorflight]

Thank you Suzn and Turkish for the suggested links.

There's been a major, terrible development since my last post and I'll start a new post. Thanks

[Jareth89]

...and while neurotypicals are making so much effort to understand bpd/traits, reading so much material, doing so much analysis and reflection...how much effort is the bpd making? This disorder wreaks so much havoc in families that there should be no cooperation with the bpd unless this person is actually helping themselves. Acknowledge the condition and get help or leave them alone. How they reach adulthood not knowing they have this or having had nobody intervene is beyond me.

[Jareth89]

Thank you Suzn and Turkish for the suggested links.

There's been a major, terrible development since my last post and I'll start a new post. Thanks

Does anyone know what the terrible development was and where the new post is? Thx

[fightorflight]

Here's link to next post jareth89:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285530.msg12691513#msg12691513