Fiancee has ended engagement - Part 2

[Bittlecat]

This thread is a continuation of this one:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336735.0;all
-------------
Gemsforeres,
I am now feeling guilty about not talking to GF, and wondering again if this is the way to go about this?

I do recall that after mom died, about a year ago, she became dysregulated and removed the listing from the obituary, that named her as my fiancee, and returned the engagement ring, after having a fight with my sister about funeral services. She later decided she would go to the funeral, but then changed her phone number and refused contact for about a month. Seems she has problems during holidays, and periods of stress, and this being the first year since my mom passed, her homeless guy left, she had an problem with her girl friend, and her dad called and did not say that went well. Then she felt left out of family party( shes only been to Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas, and not that I remember to any others, including seeing the new baby, always telling me it was too stressful).
I wanted to stand my ground, as I don't deserve the name calling and distorted reality she throws at me, nor am I to be blamed for her problems.
I did loose myself, concentrating on moms care for 2 years, and now want to find myself, and define what I need.
Guilty, confused and scared
-BC

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

any update Bittlecat?

[Bittlecat]

any update Bittlecat?

Hey Once Removed;
Only once removed? I've been removed at least 7x!
Thanks for asking for an update!
Nice to know somebody is out there!
GF told me to " go away for good" on the 5th.
I sent her an email, on the 7th, when I recieved replies from family and she sent 11 emails and about 8 text messages, all derogatory about myself and my family after I sent her the following email. Please examine it carefully and let me know if I used the proper formats and wording.
Let me know how you would feel about recieving this.
I did poll some classmates, and most agreed that since we were no longer engaged, that she is not 'part' of the family, most were upset with the family, some at me, but all agreed that that the following email resolved the conflict properly. What do you think?
It went like this:
"Xxxxx,
I'm sorry you feel excluded from the family party, I know I would be upset and angry!
I did contact ( host) and he said you are welcome to come.
Also heard from( younger bro and wife, she likes) and they have rearranged their work schedules, and will be going. We discussed picking them up and going together, as it only a little out of the way,  and they are looking forward to having you come as well to( event planned for the next day)!
I would love to have you come!
I'm sorry for any misunderstanding!
I am leaving for my sisters and don't know when I'll be back.
Love,
Xxxx"
So, I have yet to hear from her, but I did send that email against the advice of her dad who said " when she gets like this and says 'goodbye', don't contact her again as it just makes it worse, wait and she always comes back"!
So, I sealed my own fate!
Did I handle this properly? Use the tools given on this site the way meant?
What else can I do now, but wait?
Although, just like combat, it hardens me to the pain, from watching friends die and taking out other people, the hurt. GF imposes is less but it still hurts!
I know if she hurts, she passes the hurt on to me, and she gets some relief from the putdowns and criticisms she sends my way.
But its gets me down, and is hard to constantly deal with. Kinda liking the break from her.
-BC
 

[Bittlecat]

GF had sent text mssg that read" just so you know, I'm blocking you from text and emails", and blocked me from an app!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

I’m really sorry for the pain of this, and also sorry for going dark on you.  I have to JADE right now... my uBPDbf said something to me on 7/9 that sent me into a spin for several days.  It’s ok now...  

I had written something in response to the end of your last thread (it was “eaten”  due power  outage).  If I recall, You had avoided your phone on the party morning because you knew she’d start something negative, and you wanted to get to the baby’s party on time, rather than engage in her drama.  Rightfully so and good on you for protecting your boundary.  You were properly recognizing her methods of attempting to control you, your actions (and emotions).  You said you were feeling guilty, and were wondering if you were going about things the right way (when it came to attending the baby’s BD party).

Here’s the thing and how I see it:

You know the patterns to her chaos.  And even though saying the “chaos is predictable” may sound counterintuitive to an “outsider”, WE understand this.  And when you’ve committed to and WANT to attend a family event, arrive on time and enjoy that event, sometimes you must avoid the quicksand, abuse and punishment that she doles out ahead of time.  That’s her issue, NOT yours.  There’s always learning to be gained in relationships.

So you sent the above email the night BEFORE the party.  Your GF did not accept the invitation; and she DID bombard you with calls and texts while you were enroute to the party, correct?  However you wisely did NOT engage and ignored that contact.  Result:  she has blocked you.  I’m sorry.

If you go back a few weeks... you mentioned “guilty...scared”.  Remember “FOG”.  Often we think, we believe we’ve got a grip on this stuff.  But our fingers slip, and we need to refresh.  So maybe it’s time for you to reread about FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I often have to go back and refresh.  At the bottom under Relationship Tools, More Tools, then scroll down and I think it’s Section 5.09.  

Now the Blocking.

BC - how often has she engaged in this behavior in the past?  And if she has, what has happened to reinstate contact?  Where is your “red line” around this behavior?

You know, in my relationship there has not been any blocking, EVER of phone or email.  Probably because of that first Facebook thing (neither of us are particularly active there but...).  I think I told you that he defriended me years ago after his first rage. And when he asked to “friend” me again, I refused.  

So how are you really FEELING with this break from her?  And when exactly did she inform you of the blocks?

What do you want to do?  Can you do that, feel that with your GF?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
I am very sorry that you had to endure the pain and stress from your bf!
Thank you for sharing that with me, and I am aware of the set backs, and pain when things like that happen.
I am glad all is good now!
You are pretty much right on, except I sent GF the mssg on the morning of the week before the bday party, as I was going to spend the day with my sister and her husband. This was the 7th, the day my mom passed a year ago.
GF did do this almost 1 year ago, and at that time she changed her phone number and asked for her keys back( I have her house key and car fob, plus extras for when she can't find 'em)!
This time she just announced she was going to block text and email.
GF contacted me out the blue about 4 weeks later, last time, asking to come over and get her stuff.
I told her that I had work to complete and would get back to her that evening.
Later she asked to come by and bring dinner and did.
The first time she did this, I was devastated!
Depressed and despondent.
But I have come to learn that this is what she does when she becomes emotional overloaded, and like her dad said always comes back.
As hardened I've become to her behavior, it still hurts.
We talked about that some in therapy together and while she did it many times, 6x in a year, this is the first time its lasted more than a day or a few hours. So its better.
Obviously, my GF is quite different from your bf. She is diagnosed as bipolar, and acts many times like a narc.

I am sad and very hurt, depressed and wondering what did I do? All I ever wanted was to be with her and provide a good life for us.
Never wanted to hurt her in anyway.
I would still gladly take a bullet to save her life!
At times I feel relieved and happy that I get to be myself without her putdowns and criticisms, others missing her and all the good times.

GF announced the blocks just before I got off the highway, and pulled over to check mssgs and return them. That was at. 10:40, her last mssg was 10:32.
I don't know what I want to do, at times I a shed a tear and wish she was here, and at times I feel free and a load has been lifted.
I've connected to her, emotionally and physically.

Trying to find myself-
Thanks for everything
-BC

[once removed]

GF had sent text mssg that read" just so you know, I'm blocking you from text and emails", and blocked me from an app!

did she send this after your note to her? it was a good note.

sent her an email, on the 7th, when I recieved replies from family and she sent 11 emails and about 8 text messages, all derogatory about myself and my family after I sent her the following email.

this too? what did she say?

[Bittlecat]

Gemsforeyes, I stand corrected, the time of her last text was 10:43, it came as I was trying to catch up on the rest. Also checked and she sent 13 emails and 8 texts.
Also comes to mind that while looking through her photos one day, I noticed that the 'better guys' she dated never stayed for more than 1, 2, or 2.5 yrs.
-BC

[Bittlecat]

did she send this after your note to her? it was a good note.

Hey Once Removed,
GF sent 13 emails and 8 texts in about 40 minutes after I sent her the note.
Thanks on the note!

this too? what did she say?

It would fill pages to write all of what was sent, but as condensed, she wrote:
This wasn't a misunderstanding
You didn't want me to go
Your family bullies me
You don't stand up for me
Did you take your EX to these events if she wasn't invited?
You lied to me, you knew I wasn't invited
I've said yes to almost everything with your family
I meant it when I said I was done with you
I send you the money I owe you when I sell my house
I don't hate you
Maybe your EX is best for you
You treated her better
We are not compatable
Can't wait for you to decide what your doing with your life
I don't expect an response, but it would be nice
I lost interest last time we were to get married
in Sept
I signed up to get married to you, not hang out for years while you decide if I'm worthy
You can't respond without lying to me
I have asked you to call me and not text for 2 years
You used to call your EX and spend 3 hours with her
And I continually tried to get you to talk to her and you wouldn't.
You should have called me earlier this morning if you loved me
You did this to me before, refused to respond
You like to do mean things but subtly
I asked you to call me for 2 years( again)
You blamed everthing on your EX, so why not blame me now

And the text mssgs go on as well.
Thanks
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Wow, BC...
She’s really got some conflicting feelings happening in what she sent to you.  I take it that those condensed thoughts are a combination of texts and emails?

What is her obsession with your ex about?  Can you provide some color around that?

Also interesting, really interesting, is that your GF has taken all affection and intimacy off the table, wanted to be “just friends”, yet is behaving like a jealous girlfriend.  That offers “hope” in a bass ackwards kind of way, no?  IF, she removes the block.  However an email block just means things go to Spam and she’ll still get them, right?

What would her reaction be if you were to write a sweet email or send her a card or flowers?

I’m sort of hoping here that it’s NOT going to require formal marriage engagement for intimacy / kisses / holding hands to be restored.  You had said marriage was OFF the table in your mind.  I’m wondering where HER mind really is after seeing these thoughts...?   i. e.  We’re not compatible, yet she seems to want to get married...

And the phone calls... she doesn’t care for texting? (She’s not alone there, neither do I).  Has she asked you to call rather than text and you’ve ignored that request?

“You like to do mean things but subtly.”  That’s a good one.  At least you’re subtle and not obvious.  This gave me a little chuckle.

In what way is she waiting for you to “decide what you want to do with your life?

Let’s talk...

Why am I awake?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Zeekay78]

Hi,

I'm new on here and struggling.

My boyfriend of a year who I suspect has BPD (initially thought it was adhd due to his hyper episodes) has also pushed me away and blocked me everywhere after I found him on a dating site (again). His last words to me were also 'go away', which he has used at least twice before. I find it interesting that on this forum so many people have also said that their BPD partner says 'go away'. It's not something any of my other exes ever said.

My BPD ex also suffered a bereavement earlier this year. His dad passed away who he had a complicated relationship with. He was his father's carer (his dad had had two strokes and was bed bound) but his dad was also physically abusive to him when he was a kid. And now that dad suddenly passed away and my ex behaved very oddly immediately after his father's death. Since then he also started pushing me away much more than usual and had epic meltdowns and moments of rage where I would get the blame for every thing but then he would apologise and tell me nice things and then the cycle would continue and as the weeks passed he started ignoring me more and more, which he had never done before. Would go a week before he messaged me back. Then he started saying he didn't want to love anyone or be loved. That he didn't want anything intense. He didn't want any responsibility. He would spend days in bed and say he was feeling sorry for himself.

But at the same time it seemed like he was having a great old time with his male friends and I was the only one who was getting the brunt of his anger and resentment. When I challenged him on this he said 'I compartmentalise all these other people, do you want me to treat you like I treat them?'. When I'd get really upset and ask him why he was treating me so bad, he would say 'all is fair in matters of the heart'.

He hated me blaming him for anything. If I said I needed to see him more (if I hadn't seen him for several weeks) he would rage at me that he didn't want to hear that he wasn't doing enough. If I called him to wish him happy birthday and surprised him with a cake delivered to his workplace, he asked me if I could cancel the cake. When I travelled for two hours to take him his favourite doughnuts, he said that the doughnuts would taste bitter when he ate them. He would show me stuff other girls had sent him to get some kind of reaction out of me. It's been so so painful but I've been sticking it out because I knew there was something wrong and the grief had almost acted like a trigger. But I couldn't understand why he was acting the worst just with me. Now he's blocked me from everywhere because I found him on the dating site and he's become the victim and he said that I'm just bitter and that kills me as I have lost who I am just to be there for him much to my family and friends annoyance.

Does this sound like an episode that he can return from or has he now 'split' and I'm the bad guy? Can the grief be a trigger?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Zeekay (and BC) -

I’m very sorry that you’re struggling so with the recent abrupt end to your relationship.  Very late last night I saw that you made your first post and intended to respond later today.

To briefly answer your question, yes, grief can be a trigger, however there’s really no way to know if that’s THE issue.

Zeekay, in order for you to obtain the attention you need and deserve at this difficult time, it may be more helpful for you to merge the details placed here into the thread you started yesterday.  We are here to support one another, but sometimes unfortunately there can be a delay in response times if we have an abundance of new members and less “old hands” floating about.

Welcome to our community, make yourself at home and explore the site when you have time.  There’s a wealth of information here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Why are you still awake?
Hope all is well!
The condensed stuff was just from the 13 emails, most were direct quotes from what GF wrote.
Have not even got to the text mssgs!
GF met my EX at a medical class on ICD implants, and has shown some paranoia about other females around me as well, including my physical therapist and classmates, but likes to rub in my EX.
I get the impression that GF keeps thinking she doesn't measure up to EX and fears Iwill return to her. Once, when GF said goodbye and then tried to contact me, and I did not answere right away, she told me she drove to my house and my EX to see if our cars were there, and when they were not, went to the hospital were EX goes to see if we were there together!

I have rarely been able to figure out just what GF wants, as she swings to the extremes, I can't marry you, I'm moving out of state!
Then, asks when we might get married!

Didn't know anything about emails going to spam, but not keen on the idea. GF doesn't check emails unless I send text asking her to do so.
When I'm getting the silent treatment, I tried before to come to her door to talk and she went into a rage, threatening physical harm, and demanded her keys back and told me if I showed up again she would call police and get a restraining order placed on me.
After that I talked to her dad, and got his wisdom.
This time I sent the email and you know the rest...almost 3 weeks and no contact.
So, I don't think I would try any contact, even a phone call as she would likely block that, if she hasn't already.

I have called her many times earlier in our relationship only to be told that other people might hear us and we should text instead.
Go figure...
GF texts all her friends, and rarely if never calls them unless they call her first.
Also txt and emails her parents as a main contact, but calls them and visa versa.
I figured it was a power play, a controling maneuver, to force me to contact her that way.
She then has the power to hang up at whenever she chooses, and has done it with her parents and friends.

The exact qoute is " you like to do mean things to me, but subtly so others won't notice".
" Everyone thinks you're a great guy, easy going, and they like you, even Mr. Homeless."

I have little to no idea on why she doesn't understand what I'm doing with my life...
I need to stay along this area due to the presence of nuero surgeons and health care until surgery is finally scheduled, completed and rehab finished.
Other small towns we looked at moving to, do not have the specialized care and doctors to perform the extensive surgery planned.
I have screwed up, and not lost the weight the nuero surgeon wanted, but only can blame myself for not being able to deal with the stress.
Ok, I have a problem, my mom was Italian, and her cure for everything was to muncha! Eat when your happy, eat when your sad, eat when company comes over, eat when they don't.
You get it.
For whatever its worth, I lost 130 lbs over the last 5 years, but have only maintained my current weight for the last 8 months. They say I need to drop another 40 lbs.
So, I made it clear to her that I needed to stay here until surgery and recovery, and that I do see us working on our issues and being married in the future and living on wooded acreage outside a small western town.
When I asked GF about her plans, she always retorts that since she doesn't know mine, she has to do whats best for her and thats moving out of state to be with her parents?
Thank you for listening and commenting!
I was wondering based on my own observations, if GF is npd as well. Some traits match, including the rage when she thinks she is to blame for something, and then the silent treatment? Is she feeling shame over not wanting to go to bday party( that is what she said originally when I did ask her " I dont think I want to go bc of your older brother").
If you want to tell me what happened between you and your bf, I'm all ears...er eyes.
Thanks
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Here are the shortened quotes from the texts GF sent:
Morning of the 5th
Whose name was on the bday invitation?
( my reply) only mine
I've been excluded from your family
Do they know we aren't together?
Do they think we are still engaged?
Please be prompt with your answere
( my reply) I think they know we are no longer engaged
Ok. Maybe not engaged but your girlfriend?
Stay away
For good
I will absolutely not go to ( event) with you
Or anything else
I'm not pretending anymore with any of you
Make sure they know you were the wonderful guy and I was the crazy one that didn't want to get married
Since its you but you like to turn things around
Your kind of like the Presidents- you blame your last girlfriend
Then after the email on the 7th:
( I sent) a pic of an African Violet in bloom that she liked
( I sent) Good morning
               Pretty!
               Sending email to you
I sent you several emails
I'm sure your too busy to respond
Thanks for making it look like its my fault
You're very good at that
You tend to be able to text me any other time your in the car
You make me so angry
Any other time its nothing important
Good bye
And I know you thinks its bc I'm bipolar and its all my fault
You have a problem and need to address it
Just so you know I'm blocking you on email and text
I'm not going through the hassle of waiting for you to respond
And responding full of lies most likely
Now you're free to blame me!
Now you can revisit your online dating site
I know you never canceled it

So I'm thinking she felt I was blaming her for not coming? She also felt abandoned?
GF does become defensive and sometimes threatens physical violence, and rages if anyone blames her for anything, even if she did it.
If she admits its her wrongdoing, then its ok.
All this plus the emails in just short of 40 minutes, and I've shortened most of it without changing the intent of each statement best I could.
-BC

[Bittlecat]

I try not to answere with many words, and surely not defend myself, as when she gets to be a 'negative nancy', there is no pleasing her, and anything said, in person or text, she just rips it apart and finds a way to make even the noblest of intentions into something completely horrible. Its a No Win. So, I've told her before "that I will not engage you in the pointless arguements that I think you make me out to be your enemy, for I am not your enemy, but your best friend."
I have reinforced that "I will read everything you write, and will be here if you truely need me". Then add LU, or Love ya ( me)
Even that she split to black. So, I told her more than once and have not again.

I was reading other peoples mssgs, and apparently this ghosting/silent treatment is a common occurrence. Hmmm?

It does remind me of the boy my EX and I took in as foster parents, he was 6 mos old, and we took care of him until he was 5 yo.
He was a 'crack baby' with alot of issues!
His favorite thing when he didn't get his way, or didn't like what we were doing, was to fold his arms, huff, and stare at us and announce he wasn't going to talk to us!
We went to classes on how to handle this behavior, and at that time we were advised to ignore him and go on with whatever we were doing, like nothing happened.
Didn't take too long for him to get the picture!
But GF...?
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

WHY am I awake?

Ok, I’m printing out the text and email pages so I can really look at them together and try to put 2+2 together.

As far as your little foster boy goes, he learned because young minds are so much more pliable... AND he wanted to please you... to keep earning your love.

Talk soon.

Gemsforeyes

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

Obviously there’s a lot to address and we likely cannot do all of it while it’s still dark (do need to sleep at some point); but here’s something to chew on- -

Regarding her not understanding “what you’re doing with your life and That she can’t wait for you to decide ...

You may be right when you relate that to your surgery!

My family is ALSO a major food group!  But I lost my appetite in 2011 (when ex-H threw me across the room and I fled my home); and I now struggle to keep weight ON.  I know that sounds stupid.

First thing - congratulations on losing that great amount of weight.  I’m certain your entire BEING feels amazingly better after shedding over 130lbs! 

Now back to it.  Your back disability, right?  GF knows you need the surgery.  She knows you need to stay in your current location due to available medical care, surgical specialists and rehab post surgery.  She also knows you need to lose another 40lbs before surgery can be scheduled. 

Is the additional 40lb weight loss THE ONLY REASON that surgery has not yet been scheduled?

If so, here’s one way to see this from GF’s eyes / mind...
(Background)

1. you have looked at other small towns for relocation together after surgery.
2. She heard you when you said you “do see us working on ”our” issues and being married in the future and living on wooded acreage outside a small western town”.
3. When you ask GF HER plans, she retorts since she doesn’t know YOUR PLANS, she’s got to do what’s best for her; and that’s moving out of state to be with her parents?   

So...and please BC, take what I’m saying with the heart that I’m saying it WITH ...

Is there ANY possibility that in the very far back recesses of your mind that you are getting in your own way, i. e. Putting off the surgery so that NO OTHER decisions are foisted upon you?

You CAN be real with me here.

In a prior post earlier in this thread, you’ve already said marriage is off the table for you.  She’s not getting therapy (I don’t think) and with this unstable behavior, it would be difficult to make a marriage decision, right?

Have you and she ever discussed what “working on our issues actually looks like?

So let’s just talk about YOU for a second.  If this surgery is going to make a real improvement in your quality of life, strength and reduction of pain, can you do it for yourself and ONLY for yourself?  Forget about anything that “may” come later.  You DESERVE to feel better and healthier and to live with less pain.  Right?  And living with less pain will grant you better focus for other aspects of your life.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thanks for taking the time to look at all the texts and emails.

Thanks for the compliment on my weight loss!

The 40 lbs came from a chart of what a person should weigh, not from the doc.
And no, it it is not the only thing keeping me from surgery, the surgeon reported that the spinal stabilization procedure would be about 8 to 9 hour surgery, and comes with a 20% chance of complications, and only 50% of complete success. Many people needing additional surgery within a year or two, some complete failures where rods and support pieces are ripped out of the bone and can't be replaced.
He rated me as poor candidate at first, but since therapy and all now rated as moderate.
He wants it to succeed. So do I. Last notes indicated I had not used all nonsurgical options up, and set up more specfic area epidural injections, new meds, and current MRI.
I have followed through with all plans.
I wanted this surgery a year ago when I saw the first surgeon.
I don't think I purposely have sabotaged my goals. I am weary of the pain and restrictions caused by the problem, and willing to try just about anything. Probably normal procedure to try all the lower cost, non surgical alternitives first.

As for making a decision on marriage, it is tabled for now, but still possible if we work on our issues. And we talked some about that, but she can't afford the cost, her insurance has a $6k deductable, and not interested in going to my insurance plan, only small co-pay, but we would have to be engaged, and I would have to be present at each session.
She does not yet recognize the doctors diagnosis of BPD, and refuses to deal with that. Not sure how to encourage her to go to therapy.

Thanks for asking the tough questions!
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes
What I was thinking is that ubpd and bp gf has been feeling abandoned from recent events, and even after I apologized and owned my mistake, she heard" I don't want you", stewed on it during the night, it triggered some past event, split it to black, and split me to the dark side, and even while trying to make things right a second time, everything goes to black. But until she is ready, can't be approached. This long term splitting may be due to the bipolar part bc its for a longer time? Is this analyzation reasonable?
-BC

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

Thank you for clarifying the surgery.  What a tough decision, especially with the chances for complete success at only 50%.  I agree that your approach of exhausting all other non-surgical options (AND a very positive outlook!) are the way to go for now.  I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.  And yes, it would be nice if uBPDgf stayed by your side more consistently to support you through difficult days.

As far as her taking a longer period of distance due to the bi-polar side of things... I don’t know, because I’m so unfamiliar with that illness.

This seems like a long separation for you two.  Is there any way to make contact, a snail mail love note, send a small bouquet of flowers, something?  The one thing that did strike me where maybe you could have done a tiny bit better, was to have called her early on the morning of the party.  So perhaps you can apologize for that.  I’m trying to come up with something “valid” for you to apologize for - she really NEEDS an apology this time, I think.  What do you think?

It seems she needs some strong reassurance, based on the things she wrote.  She was truly threatened by your ex, doesn’t think your family wants her; yes, she felt abandoned, and so on.

Let’s talk this out.  Perhaps THIS may be one time she needs YOU to pursue her a bit and not just sit back and wait it out.

Warmly,
Gems

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes,
Thanks for your reply, and understanding.
I did buy 2 cards to send snail mail, but have not done so yet.
The first reads" out of the blue" and " you are loved", then " I thought this would be a good day to tell you".
The other" no matter how you feel about yourself, you are GOOD, WORTHY, and LOVEABLE" then " and nothing can change that EVER!".
Have not sent them.
She probably won't like them. She won't be able to find her mail box keys anyway.
She will likely find a way to block me from her mail box too!
Talk about walking on eggshells! Hot coals too!
I'm becoming nuerotic, about trying to please her! I've never had trouble making this kind of a choice. I can't send ubpdgf a card? Trying to contact her, to pursue her could make things worse is my fear. In the end its really her LOSS!

Since we seperated, I went to my sisters, saw a car race, went to the bday party, a county fair, saw a tractor/truck pull, went the Rail Road museum, rode a 1800s steam train, rode another scenic train, all without her, missing her the whole time. Why have I failed as a emotional caregiver? Maybe I can't do this. The tiniest scratch turns into a deep bleeding wound for GF!  How do you manage?
And my sister wants to spend another day with me( and most likely not GF). How will that go over? Another rock chucking event?
Yes, emotional tonite!
Thanks,
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Was just reminded of what happened between EX and ubpd/bipolargf!
EX came over to get details on funeral for my mother, and at one point said to the effect that she was a one man woman, will never love another man, and if GF doesn't want me, I can go back to her and she will even have "vaginal" sex with me even " it kills her"!
I'm defending myself, but I blew that off as everyone was stressed, and saying out of line things.
But I'm sure GF heard it.

[Bittlecat]

     So, even after sending the card, I have not heard from bipolar ubpd gf for 6 weeks now, and that is about the longest she has ever been silent before.
I did read some information about breakups and such, and it seems that bpd persons can never really love anyone, they only act out of NEED.
I'm thinking more that I can be easily replaced, by the next sucker who falls for her charms, until he discovers the dark side.
Or maybe like me, he will come back again and again, becoming addicted to her good side, as it is for me, a high like no other, to have GF know what I want before I do! I was treated like royalty, then later bashed like scum.
But kept coming back, hoping things would change, and they did a little, but getting what I thought was loved, but was only her needs being filled. She needs someone to validate her, to rescue her, to be there for her at anytime.
We have had so many breakups, and going from friends to friends with privileges, to girlfriend, to engaged and back to breakups, I've never been quite sure where I stand and when, except when she is not talking to me!
The chaos from GF emotional swings, is so hard to deal with. I think that its right to say that one doesn't have a relationship with a bpd, but rather only interactions, for at least my bipolar ubpd GF does not know how to love and respect another person.
I'm still, while likely deceiving myself, hoping that we can get back together and try therapy, and maybe have a better life together.
The red line is around the sudden breakups over what seems to me, petty and sometimes distorted, out of touch with reality, chaotic things she does and says. I can mostly deal with the bad side, bc of all the good,( ok with ongoing therapy to keep me centered sometimes), but the breakups and silent treatment are positively a "no deal" as far as marraige is concerned.
Nor am I worried about making that commitment any more, as any time we get close to a date we set, at first it was a month, then weeks, last one was just 2 days, she breaks the engagement. Once it was bc she said I needed to get my teeth cleaned! Or that I was being snippy, and acting like my dad!(who passed a year before I met her!) Bpd GF has always instigated the breakups, I have never pushed her away.
Even if she does unblock me and contact me, I think I need more time to sort things out for myself.
Still hurt and confused!
-BC

[ColdKnight]

Hi BC

First off sorry for your pain.

Second, I have only been on this site for a bit over a month I believe but I have been reading about BPD for the last year almost religiously. And have an uBDPgxf

I am convinced of this at this point:

The only way a relationship with a pwBPD will work is one of two ways

1. The pw BPD is self aware and willingly, actively seeking treatment with the involvement of the SO

2. The SO is willing to accept them as they are and can handle the constant push/pull, disappeared/re-appear, lying and all the other fun stuff that comes with them. The SO has to be able to let them go when they leave and accept them with open arms when and if they come back. (very, VERY few people can do this)

That probably doesn’t help much...

Just my experience and observation but...who am I

[Bittlecat]

Hey ColdKnight,
Thanks for your post and sharing with me!
I like your avatar, it is true for me too, always reaching for what is attainable!
The opinions you expressed are right on.

At the end of your post you stated "  who am I".
After reading most of the posts you wrote, I find many similarities in our experiences with my bipolar/ubpdgf. I too can deal with the rest, but the disappearing/ silent act is the most distrubing and painful.
I do feel your pain!
I felt like opting for eternal silence after one these breakups, as I felt like such a failure!
But its not me or you, its all on pwbpd!
So you are an important, knowledgable, experienced person who cares enough to share with others, to help them and yourself move forward and find answeres and find ourselves!
THANKS
-BC

[Bittlecat]

Typo! Reaching for whats " UNattainable"

[ColdKnight]

Hi BC

The refusal to communicate is maddening. I even told her “I know you are going to go dark every now and then. I understand that. Just tell me you need space and I will be ok with that”

She never would though. Something would set her off, she wouldn’t tell me what it was and she would give me the silent treatment. In hindsight I think the reason she wouldn’t is that it would give away her power. If I wasn’t anxious over her not talking to me then she had no power over me.

Thanks for the kind words and thanks for reading my other posts.

Hope things work out for you.

Keep the updates coming

[once removed]

I did read some information about breakups and such, and it seems that bpd persons can never really love anyone, they only act out of NEED.

be careful what you read on the internet. there is no other disorder (apart from NPD) that has so much internet lore, urban legends, and junk psychology, mostly penned by the brokenhearted.

I'm still, while likely deceiving myself, hoping that we can get back together and try therapy, and maybe have a better life together.

youre only deceiving yourself if you were to go back into the relationship with the same game plan. there have been multiple makeup/breakup cycles in your relationship, and it cant be understated how much each cycle cracks and crumbles the foundations of the relationship. you do need to take an honest and realistic assessment of both what a healthier trajectory would look like, and whether its possible.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi BC-

How are you feeling these days?  I’m hoping you’ve heard something from her?  And if not, what are your thoughts?

Regarding love vs BPD’s engaging just to get their needs filled, I have to disagree.  I do believe they love the best they can.  My personal thought (no research, just experience) is that the less narc traits, the truer the love part.

Hope to talk soon.

Warmly,
Gems

[Bittlecat]

Hey Gemsforeyes and ColdKnight
Thanks for your replies and advice.

It has been just short of 2 months since I heard from bipolar/ ubpdgf, and have been going places and doing things without her, going my own way, but miss her a lot at times, and , at times hope she doesn't show up and spoil my fun!
Talk about confused and conflicted!

After I sent her the card in the mail, I never recieved any kind of response, but the day she would have got it, through a another source, found out she broke her phone. She throws her phone when she is extremely angry.
The phone has been repaired or replaced accordding to the " other source".

I tried to love her unconditionally, accepting who and what she was, trying to not pass judgement, except in the dangerous or really out there situations.

I am not sure where I am now, only that I miss her, and I'll wait some longer for her, but how long...

I did look back at my personal logs and see that many things she said about me, were really her fears and faults and worries. Projecting them on me, and I get all that, but walking away from all we are is just the hardest thing, and she did it many times.
I too asked her to tell me when and if she needs a break, but gf refuses to communicate that.
Maybe she doesn't know when, just happens?

The idealization on my part is long gone, I try not to rescue anymore, and yes the foundation is and has crumbled, but I find myself still caring about her, but in a different slightly detached way.

I volunteer with " special needs" children and adults, including wheelchair bound nonverbal, Downs syndrome, and high functioning learning disabled.
Shared this story with a 46 yo male, who is learning disabled, adhd, and an IQ of 74.
No names were mentioned, but his response was interesting!
" There is as much wrong with a person who is always negative, an abuser by hitting, or by words, as the person who only sees good in everyone and everything. A woman who gets beaten by her man, yet stays bc she sees him as a good provider, or good with the kids is just wrong!"
Huh?
-BC