Understanding my impatience

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been simply trying to change a lightbulb. It’s in the vent hood of my stove. The light bulb is replaced, but getting the panel back on has been a challenge. It took a minute, but I realized that I was cussing and becoming frustrated. I was cussing myself. I took a time out. I thought and reflected. My dad was always all up on me with simple tasks. Push, push, push. Whenever something broke or failed, it was my fault. That’s not my reality anymore. I’ll go back to putting the panel on here shortly. I’ll do it without this damned subconscious pressure. Without the cussing and tension like my dad.

Little things come out and show themselves everyday the farther I go. Today, it’s interesting to me and I’m proud of myself for this little realization.

My folks really messed me up. The thing is, they didn’t win and they never will. I don’t know why some people have the resilience that I read about here, and why some people don’t (that we write about here). I’m not getting any younger, and I’m choosing, slowly, to stop worrying about the latter. That’s just a tire stuck in the mud. There are books to read, weather to feel, concerts to dance at, new food to taste and maybe even healthy love on the horizon.

A lightbulb. Lol!

[JNChell]

I have been simply trying to change a lightbulb. It’s in the vent hood of my stove. The light bulb is replaced, but getting the panel back on has been a challenge. It took a minute, but I realized that I was cussing and becoming frustrated. I was cussing myself. I took a time out. I thought and reflected. My dad was always all up on me with simple tasks. Push, push, push. Whenever something broke or failed, it was my fault. That’s not my reality anymore. I’ll go back to putting the panel on here shortly. I’ll do it without this damned subconscious pressure. Without the cussing and tension like my dad.

Little things come out and show themselves everyday the farther I go. Today, it’s interesting to me and I’m proud of myself for this little realization.

My folks really messed me up. The thing is, they didn’t win and they never will. I don’t know why some people have the resilience that I read about here, and why some people don’t (that we write about here). I’m not getting any younger, and I’m choosing, slowly, to stop worrying about the latter. That’s just a tire stuck in the mud. There are books to read, weather to feel, concerts to dance at, new food to taste and maybe even healthy love on the horizon.

A lightbulb. Lol!

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh, JNChell, I can relate. My dad was extremely impatient with me when I was a kid. If I made a mistake on a first attempt, I was berated and told to "learn to do it right", which made no sense because that's what I was trying to do in the first place.

I was not taught how to do anything. I was either expected to just know, somehow, or not allowed to do it because I might mess it up.

Now, I struggle with frustration when I don't get something right away. I can easily see myself struggling and cussing at myself out of frustration, just like you. I feel inherently incapable, so I get frustrated with myself at what I perceive to be evidence of that.

I have tried to start thinking of what I would say to one of my kids who was struggling with some task or other, and try to treat myself accordingly. I tend to have much more compassion and empathy for my kids than I do for myself.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Thanks, Redeemed. It is a difficult thing. I don’t berate my boy. I just tell him to keep trying. I encourage him, and when he achieves, the look on his face and the confidence that I see in him is priceless. A fist bump and his little toddler dance.

I wish that you didn’t have to experience similar things. Had you not, you wouldn’t be here helping out.

Don’t get frustrated with yourself. Step away and think. It’ll come together. That voice isn’t our’s. Not anymore.

I have felt inherently incapable as well. I got sick of feeling like that. You’re capable of anything that you want, Redeemed
.

Oxygen mask. Who gets it first? Mom. Doing for yourself will show your kids a lot.

[I Am Redeemed]

 Thanks, JNChell, but this is your thread. I'm supposed to be encouraging you

[JNChell]

I didn’t realize there was a protocol for that.

[I Am Redeemed]

LOL that's just my protocol for myself, I guess. Myself telling myself what I should be doing.

[Only Human]

I have tried to start thinking of what I would say to one of my kids who was struggling with some task or other, and try to treat myself accordingly.

This is excellent advise! I can't want to try it myself

JNChell, didja get the danged range hood back on? And did you try IAR's idea?

~ OH

[I Am Redeemed]

You're right, that voice isn't ours anymore. I do try to step away sometimes, but then I will start getting mad at myself for "giving up". sigh.

Fist bumps and little toddler dances make me smile, though.

I think it's great that you were able to recognize that you needed to take a break because you were getting unnecessarily frustrated and tense. It's even better that you were able to dig out the root of that tension and frustration and remind yourself that your reality has changed. Well done. 

[JNChell]

Hi, Only Human. I did get it put back together. Thanks for asking. I didn’t try Redeemed’s idea yet. I hadn’t read it until after, but I think that it’s excellent advice and a great approach when handling something that becomes difficult. Looking back, I feel silly for allowing something so trivial to trigger me, but I can give myself a break when understanding that my conditioning took a long time and undoing it won’t happen over night. I can laugh at myself, though. 

[JNChell]

Hi again, Redeemed. Thanks for the encouragement. My inner critic is still a fairly prevalent battle. The good thing is that I know what it is now and can tell it to shut up without fear of retribution. It’s not my reality and it can go back to where it came from. Things are changing for the better, I feel. I still have undesirable moments, probably always will, but what’s changing is me. How I view these things and choose to handle them. It’s getting better. It’s almost like I’m having a paradigm shift, but a very slow one.