BPD Step Dad and Emotionally Overreactive Teen

[Summer7777]

My 16 year old daughter hates my husband.  He has been her step dad since she was 14 months old.  When she was little, he admitted he didn’t like her and said “our personalities just don’t click.”  He never treated her well.  He often excluded her and made comments about her weight or her lack of athleticism.  All the baby weight has dropped off and she is a varsity pole vaulter.  He did track in high school so you would think they could at least get along by having something in common.  Oh no, it’s way worse.  She is very smart and popular.  She is also very witty so can dish it out way better than he can.  It’s like he is jealous of her.  My daughter and I are close, but my husband seems to get so annoyed when I’m spending time with her.  Also, the minute I’m not around, he will verbally attack her.

This weekend, I was out of town with my oldest and youngest kids for a camping music festival.  I started getting texts from my 16 y/o and 13 y/o about my husband being verbally abusive.  The 13 y/o is his own daughter and she will defend her sister because she can see he is wrong.  It started because he told her to do the dishes.  She forgot.  The next day, she had a guy over at the house.  My husband started screaming at her for not doing the dishes.  She said she would do them when he left.  He told her no, her friend has to go home.  She told her friend he doesn’t have to leave.  My husband started yelling that it was his house and she can go live with her dad.  Then he said she was a slut because the guy she had over wasn’t her boyfriend.  The guy left and she ended up in tears.   

Meanwhile, I’m 8 hours away trying to manage the barrage of texts.  My husband acted like he innocently asked her to do the dishes and she refused.  He complained that she has no respect for him and said she hates him.  I wanted to jump to her defense, but instead I tried to use skills I learned.  I calmed myself down, texted my daughter to leave and go to a friend’s, then tried to acknowledge his feelings by saying, “That must really hurt.  It must be very frustrating.”  Ugh.  I just feel like he is such a lying asshole but I’m trying to keep the peace.

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[njtxus]

I absolutely hate you are going through this.  It almost sounds like the stepdad is acting like this to punish daughter because you are away.   I am sorry he sounds pretty abusive to her verbally and otherwise.   

The only thing I can think of us to have very strict boundaries when you are gone.   If I were the 16 year old, I would probably want to stay out of the house which sucks for her. 

But he knows what he did and said to her and wont admit it ugh... Sorry

[ChTown]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My BPDh either ADORES the girls (they were 2 and 4 when we married), or he can't stand them. The younger one will fire back at him--she hates him right now, so she practically is Grey Rock with him. The older one (17) just loves him, but he is something ugly to her sometimes. I told him last week that he needed to just back off and leave her alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not alone.

[Summer7777]

My oldest daughter is 19.  She was generally well liked by my husband.  However, there were lots of issues when her gymnastics got too expensive.  My husband would say things like we barely have money for groceries because of her.  My ex was only minimally contributing financially to help pay for it, so that was another big issue. 

When my oldest was 16, she moved into the Olympic Training Center to be trained as an aerial skier.  She only comes home every few months, so she really never had to go through much of her teen years dealing with him.  It’s like an all out war sometimes at home between the BPD husband and my second child.