How to discuss spouse's BPD with adult children?

[Clock58]

I have been married to an UBPD spouse for nearly thirty years and am finally moving towards a divorce.  As I learn more about BPD and the harm it does to everyone in the family, I believe our adult children, both in early twenties and currently back home after graduating from college - and both working at good jobs -- should know what is going on.  But the thought of telling them their mom has BPD somehow frightens me.  They know their mom obviously has issues and is extremely hard to live with, but I want them to maintain their relationships with her without replacing me (if they haven't already) as care takers. I also know for an absolute fact their mother will be furious with me if I ever put the idea into their heads that she has mental problems of any kind (although they know she has been seeing therapists for years and is usually on antidepressants.  She sees this as nobody's business but her own).  The kids are mature enough to understand all this, I think, but it sure could look like I am trying to drive them away from her when I am really not.  Has anyone else faced this problem?  Any advice?

[MeandThee29]

As you said, they probably already know that something isn't right. Mine knew before separation because both had been in therapy themselves, as I was trying to "stay well."

I would be brief in your explanation, but I wouldn't go too deep into revisiting the past. Divorce is traumatic enough on everyone. You may think that young adults would sail through, but it's basically putting their entire childhood into a difficult place that is hard to face. I wouldn't give them more fuel for questioning their childhoods than they already have. I know that mine have discussed some of this with friends, and one has been in therapy recently. But I haven't dug into how they are handling it.

Ours barely talked to me about him for over a year after he moved away, and now basically nothing. There were some strong emotions when the house they grew up in was sold. If he comes up now, they change the subject. For a long time they didn't talk about their childhoods at all, even memories where he wasn't involved. That has come back just recently, which is encouraging. But the memories always involve the two of them or something I did with them.

We've talked about boundaries and healthy relationships, and I've never told them what to do when mine contacts them. For a long time there was almost no contact, and then he wanted to come back in a big way. I left it up to them to navigate that, and they chose no-contact.

[40days_in_desert]

Hello Clock58 and welcome!
It's hard to deal with the behaviors of someone who has BPD whether diagnosed or not. The good thing is that people here know what you're going through because we've all lived it too.
Are you looking for a way to tell your children why you are divorcing their mother?

It may not work in your favor to tell them that she has a mental illness. They probably know why since they lived it too but if they ask, maybe focus on the top issues (behaviors) that led you to decide on divorce.
Can you share some of the things that she does that have affected you the most over the years?

[mart555]

You can do it. You've got it easy... I had to explain it to my 10 and 14 yo boys...  and they now understand why I wanted to divorce!     No need to beat around the bush.  Sit down with them, have a beer and discuss.

[PeteWitsend]

I would be concerned about telling my kids that my XW (their mom) is deficient in some way.

I think kids could internalize that, and wonder or fear that makes them also deficient. 

My kids are young, and generally concerned with their own needs (eating, playing, etc.) when we're together, so questions regarding our divorce haven't come up much.  when they have, so far I have avoided blaming my XW for the divorce, and simply said we both fought a lot and decided it was better if we lived apart.

If I have to give more of an answer than that, I am not sure what my response will be; I generally plan to stick to the facts as much as possible, telling my kids that their mom has her own feelings of who was at fault, and they need to make up their own minds about it, and decide what they want to believe. 

I would only consider going further than that if I felt like my XW was really pressuring my kids and causing them distress... but I think I would mostly be reassuring my kids that they hadn't done anything wrong, and their mom was responsible for her own behavior.  I would also make sure to schedule visits with a T for them, to get an objective adult involved in the situation.

[mart555]

I had another thought over the week-end:  telling them will likely clear up their mind and explain a lot of their life and everything they thought didn't make sense but were afraid to ask.  I suggest getting them a copy of this book:  https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship-dp-0765703319/dp/0765703319/ref=mt_paperback?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=

[Panda39]

What if you just discussed the behaviors vs labeling BPD?

I want them to maintain their relationships with her without replacing me (if they haven't already) as care takers.

Maybe you just tell them this (above).

Discuss the divorce, tell them that you will no longer be mom's caretaker and you are concerned about them taking on that role.  Let them know as your children taking care of her is not their job it is her's she's an adult, and it wasn't really your job either (might talk about some co-dependence here).

What is the kids status in terms of moving out on their own?  Moving in with you?  I would have the same concern that they end up filling the void that is made when you leave.

In my situation once the divorce was final my Partner with the uBPDxw did discuss BPD with his teenage daughters.  I "lent" my copy of "Understanding the Borderline Mother" to my partner to share with them.  I have not seen the book since.  This book was shared with them at his house, I think it would be difficult to do this in the same house as mom.  So maybe if you want to discuss "BPD" you do it after the divorce at your place where it can be in the open and safe to talk about. 

I'm not the child of a BPD or mentally ill parent so I'm not sure how I would take that information but for myself I found it really helpful to have a name for what I was seeing, and to be able to read books that helped me make sense of the chaos I observed and find this site to help in real time with my questions. 

You know your kids best in terms of how they would handle this.  You might try posing the question on the "Parent with BPD Board"  Would the folks there wanted to know about BPD when they were in their 20's? Would they have felt the stigma of the label?  Would they have been relieved?  Would they have blamed "the messenger"? Would it have made a difference?

Panda39

[Panda39]

Oops sorry re-posted 

[MeandThee29]

I'm not the child of a BPD or mentally ill parent so I'm not sure how I would take that information but for myself I found it really helpful to have a name for what I was seeing, and to be able to read books that helped me make sense of the chaos I observed and find this site to help in real time with my questions. 

FWIW, I think putting a name to it is very important. For their good, they need to understand that it is a cluster of attitudes and approaches that are not healthy. They also need to understand what is healthy caretaking and what is not in that situation. They need to learn that beyond the label there is a very broken person. Mine did their own study on BPD, NPD, and PTSD that helped them.

I volunteer with a local recovery ministry, and I don't see labels as being bad if they are handled with compassion and hope.