Desperate for help

[Jdc18]

I am being emotionally abused and harassed by my BPD mother on a regular basis. I have two siblings that have completely cut her off due to her abuse, so I am the target of all of her rage and anger. I am currently pregnant with my 2nd child and she is causing me an unbelievable amount of stress. The things she says to me are heinous and extremely abusive. I have been in therapy weekly since October of 2018 to learn to handle her behavior and have set boundaries she tramples all over. She sends me rapid text messages (usually 20 in a row with no response from me) telling me what a horrible person I am and how I am to blame for all of her relationship problems with my father. I do not see how I can possibly balance being the wife and mother I need to be all while being emotionally abused and made to feel like a terrible person. I feel like I live my life waiting for the next batch of verbal abuse. I blocked her from texting me about two weeks ago for a couple days, however she told me she was going to kill herself so I unblocked her. During the couple of days I had her blocked I had a huge reduction in my stress, however I also had some guilt because she is my mother. I don’t know what to do at this point. I just want to be able to focus on being a great mother and wife.

[JNChell]

Hi, Jdc18. Welcome to  bpdfamily. It sounds like you’re really struggling with your relationship with your mom. I’m sorry about that. I can see that she uses FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to manipulate you. We get it here. How can we help out? What would you like to see happen here?

[Notwendy]

Welcome. I am glad you found this site, but sorry you are dealing with this. You are not alone. Many of us (myself included) have been in a similar situation.

Suicide threats are tough to deal with. I also got blamed for being the cause of my mother's problems with my father, but I want you to know that you are not the cause. PwBPD have issues with the most intimate relationships and your parents' have the most intimate bond= the toughest relationship to deal with.

You are correct- you need to take care of yourself, and those little babies. You have the potential to be a different kind of mother to them and I know you will be. But you are right in that you need to take care of yourself first. You don't have to be a doormat or outlet for your mother's poor emotional regulation.

Growing up with a BPD parent, we tend to feel overly responsible for their feelings. It's OK to hand those feelings back to them to deal with. They are her feelings. She won't like it, but it isn't your job to do this for her. Suicide threats are serious. It is possible your mother uses them for manipulation. Fact is: someone who is suicidal needs professional help- and that's not your job either. My rule with BPD mom is- I would call 911 with such a threat. You can tell her that "mom, when you say this, it scares me. I will call 911 if I hear this". Then, if she did test it, do that. If she is only using this as manipulation, that shows her you are serious about this.

There's a lot to learn here, so read, try not to stress and take care of you and your babies.

[Jdc18]

JNChell: I tried no contact and ended up giving back in because of her threats of suicide and her making me feel like everything is my fault. She takes zero responsibility for her actions or behavior. I’ve also tried low contact, but that doesn’t work because she does not respect any boundaries. I really don’t know what to do or what my options are at this point.

Notwendy: Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to shield my daughter from being exposed to any of this. I am fearful as my daughter gets older my mother may try to manipulate her just as she did to me when I was a child.

[Harri]

Hi Jdc and welcome!

No contact and limited contact are simply tools to give us space and time to heal and to work on learning better ways of protecting us, detaching emotionally so that we are not ruled by things like unwarranted guilt, and to help ease our situations. 

That said, all of this takes time and a lot of work but it can be done. 
One thing I do want to mention is that expecting your mother to respect your boundaries is probably not going to work, or if it does, it will be temporary.  It is up to us to set the boundary and then enforce it by changing how we react/respond.  You can say "mom, please stop calling me so often" or something like that but then it is up to you to let calls go to voice mail or to not answer texts etc. 

Suicide ideation or threats are more complicated as sometimes they are real and sometimes they aren't.  We can't always tell.  When she threatens that what does she say and how do you respond?  Having specific examples can help us help you so if you can provide details that would be great.

[Jdc18]

Harri: She will make the suicidal statements when she is not getting her way. If she begins her rapid texting and I don’t respond she will state something about killing herself. About two weeks ago my dad and I told her we were taking her to be evaluated and she told us “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of me killing myself” after making statements about harming herself to my father and I. She also told me if I called law enforcement to have her Baker Acted they would end up Baker Acting me because I am crazy.

[Harri]

Harri: She will make the suicidal statements when she is not getting her way. If she begins her rapid texting and I don’t respond she will state something about killing herself. About two weeks ago my dad and I told her we were taking her to be evaluated and she told us “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of me killing myself” after making statements about harming herself to my father and I. She also told me if I called law enforcement to have her Baker Acted they would end up Baker Acting me because I am crazy.

Ugh.  It does sound like she is using suicidal threats to get her own way.  Unfortunately when you respond or back down this go to action of hers is reinforced. It is going to take time to break that.

If she begins her rapid texting and I don’t respond she will state something about killing herself.

Can you try to gradually lengthen the time it takes for you to respond?  Wait 15 minutes or a half hour and then respond, ignoring anything she says about suicide.

she told us “I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of me killing myself” after making statements about harming herself to my father and I.

When she said this, what did you and your father do or say?  The idea is to not respond or to respond in a way that does not reinforce her empty threats.   This is no way for you and your father to live.

also told me if I called law enforcement to have her Baker Acted they would end up Baker Acting me because I am crazy.

Another empty threat that needs to be stopped.  Have you ever called for help?

Generally what we recommend saying is something like "I am not equipped or trained to help you when you are feeling suicidal.  I can either call an ambulance (kinder than saying call 911) or I can take you to the ER which would you like?"  Put the ball in her court.  If she responds like she did here, say "I can't tell when you are talking about it for real or when you are simply saying it so I will respond the same way every time."  Stand firm.

I blocked her from texting me about two weeks ago for a couple days, however she told me she was going to kill herself so I unblocked her. During the couple of days I had her blocked I had a huge reduction in my stress, however I also had some guilt because she is my mother.

When things have reached this point, there really is no easy or painless way to work this out for yourself.  Unblocking her just reinforced to her that it is okay to make these threats.  I understand and I understand how crippling the guilt can be.  We have to fight through that though.  Feeling guilt is frequently caused by our training to always take care of our disordered loved one and put their needs first.  It is a crazy dynamic though and all we can do is change our part.  part of changing that requires being willing to make some changes that are going to feel very uncomfortable.

We can support you through this.  The guilt and sense of responsibility can be overwhelming but you can work through it.

 

[Jdc18]

Thank you for your reply Harri! We have never called law enforcement because when we bring up calling she usually ends up back tracking on what she said or will tell me I’m the crazy one. I have never had suicidal thoughts or made suicidal statements and I feel like I am mentally healthy, so I am not sure why she says this to me.

When she starts her rapid texting I typically do not respond at all. I used to, but then it ended up being a vicious cycle of discussing the same topic over and over with a lot of harassment and name calling from her. The problem I find is when I don’t respond she will typically make a statement about harming herself, which causes me to respond out of fear and guilt. I am also diagnosed with OCD which I have learned to manage in my everyday life, however when she starts her texting and harassment my anxiety is extremely high and I find it difficult to manage my OCD. When I tell her she is causing me anxiety and it is not healthy for myself or my baby (I am pregnant) she just continues.

[Notwendy]

I've done counseling but also 12 step co-dependency and ACA groups to help deal with some of the issues from growing up in a family with a BPD mother. ACA isn't just for alcohol but for dysfunction, and the family patterns with BPD seem similar to that with an alcoholic parent. In addition, sometimes there is both substance abuse and BPD together.

One of the characteristics of being an adult child is feeling overly responsible for other people's feelings. Your mother has enlisted you and others as her emotional caretaker, making you responsible for her feelings- hence the rapid texts, verbal abuse- when she feels bad.

Like you, I still deal with my own guilt feelings about my relationship with BPD mom. I have had strong boundaries with her for a while now. It hasn't been easy but it has been worth it to not be enmeshed. However, families function as a unit, and not going along with her has effected my relationships with the people connected to her. You didn't mention your father but I bet he tries to keep the peace and encourages you to give in to your mother to keep the peace too. My not doing this affected my relationship with my ( now deceased) father. However, being enmeshed and enabling her was not something I could do- as I wanted to protect my children from this pattern.

You are wise to be aware that one day your mother might also try to manipulate your children. My mother tried too. I had strong boundaries on her interactions with them when they were little. Basically, I did not leave them alone with her- usually my father and I were there too. She still tries to manipulate them but they are older now and have their own boundaries with her. They are polite and cordial to her but they are aware of her issues.

As you begin to understand how pwBPD think and act, the family patterns where there is someone with a disorder, and you get better boundaries, I think you will see this more clearly. It helps to not take her behavior as personally. She's disordered and this is how she relates to people in her family. You didn't cause this. Your task is to learn how to best manage yourself in this situation. For some people it means cutting contact and for others, low contact. It also means being OK with who we are and having emotionally healthy relationships with other people who are capable of this too.

[Harri]

Hi again!

when we bring up calling she usually ends up back tracking on what she said or will tell me I’m the crazy one. I have never had suicidal thoughts or made suicidal statements and I feel like I am mentally healthy, so I am not sure why she says this to me.

Okay, I guess it is good she backs off (as emergency services are for serious cases and should not be abused) but (!) how frustrating and bewildering for you and your dad.  When she backs off, how do you handle that?  I am asking not to pick on you but to get a better idea.  It is easy to validate something that should not be validated and that will just feed the cycle.   I am wondering what you say or do after... or even what you could say or do after she threatens and then backs off.

As for her accusing you of being crazy... well, she is talking nonsense there probably in an effort to marginalize your input.   I would not spend too much time trying to figure out why she says it.

I am not that familiar with OCD but I do know that anxiety and stress can make it worse like you said.  What sort of things do you do to manage it during a typical (ie non mom ) day?  I don't know if this will help but (!) I am going to link you to a DBT lesson we have here for those of us who have a hard time staying grounded and centered (and many of us do).

Distress Tolerance Skills  Maybe something in here will help you in terms of managing your reaction to the guilt.

When I tell her she is causing me anxiety and it is not healthy for myself or my baby (I am pregnant) she just continues.

Chances are that when she is dysregulated she will not be able to hear what you are saying to her and instead will ignore it (as you said) and or she may find it invalidating.  When someone is emotionally upset it is hard to hear anything, even if the person is not disordered.  BPD or BPD traits is going to make that even more difficult. 

There are some communication tools that can help quite a bit in terms of not escalating the situation and not engaging in circular conversations.  One tool is Don't JADE and another is Don't Invalidate.  See what you think and if you think they will help you.  I mention them not so much to help you mom, which is part of it, but more to help you.  Having tools and skills you can develop may help in managing some of your anxiety which only benefits you and your family.  I learned about most of the tools too late to help me with my mother but they have helped me a lot in dealing with all sorts of people (one a roommate with BPD behaviors...and then some).   I have PTD and panic attacks and knowing that I have tools I can pull out of my tool box when needed helps me manage the anxiety and panic I sometimes feel.

As you begin to understand how pwBPD think and act, the family patterns where there is someone with a disorder, and you get better boundaries, I think you will see this more clearly. It helps to not take her behavior as personally... Your task is to learn how to best manage yourself in this situation... It also means being OK with who we are and having emotionally healthy relationships with other people who are capable of this too.

Yes.  What Notwendy said

[me2019]

@JDC,

   I"m so terribly sorry.  I truly feel for you.  The stress I felt with my mother when I was pregnant was beyond belief.  There was one occasion when the calls with her were so stressful that I told her that I would blame her if I miscarried.  Sadly, I did actually miscarry that baby (to no fault of my mother), but she, of course, referenced me telling her that at one time and said that I must then blame her. Luckily, I did carry my next two children to term, but again, lots of stress.  I really feel for you and send you a virtual hug.

   My mother does not send rapid texts, but she has sent texts that are incredibly mean and hurtful. Some are even confusing because it is filled with 'why must you continue to hurt me' or something similiar. Stuff that just makes no sense.  Again, she is always the victim.  I do say that you should definitely set some boundaries and set expectations of her behavior where you will and won't engage.  I went silent of my mom for an entire year because of her behavior.  I only re-engaged when she started falling in line.  It is still a struggle.  What I would recommend is trying to remain emotionless in talking to her.  Be about as deadpan as you can.  I have found this is about the best way that I can ensure that things don't fall off the rails. I wish you the best of luck! It is hard being a mom and then trying to be a daughter to a BPD mom.  Keep faith.   

[worn_out]

I tried no contact and ended up giving back in because of her threats of suicide and her making me feel like everything is my fault.

You may need to block her texts for certain amounts of time to preserve your sanity and be able to function as a parent. I agree with the poster who suggested not replying immediately to her texts. You'll feel guilty, but your first obligation is to your children, not her. Her behavior is out of control and you are powerless to control it. You can disengage from her and get on with your life.

[magpies]

It must be so difficult for you.  Just know none of this is your fault.  How wonderful that through all this you aware of the importance of focusing on you and your new family to be.  Although your mother is in need of help, you cannot allow yourself to be drawn into the journey she is taking.  Being pregnant changes everything, you have every right to put you and your baby first.  There comes a time when we have to make a choice for survival and self preservation, don't feel guilty about looking after yourself and your own sanity.  You can't change you mother; however, you can decide to enjoy the life you deserve.  It's very difficult when you're a caring person as you clearly are and you've persisted when others have decided not to.  This is your time now.  For now at least, think about taking a large step back and concentrate on your happiness. x