Coping with Borderline Mother in her 60's

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone, this is my first posting on a group help site of any kind, but hoping this will provide some help and comfort as I try to navigate what has been years and years of dealing with a borderline mother.  While my mother is not a diagnosed 'BPD', the reading and research that I have done would confirm so, along with Narcissistic tendencies. I'm an only child and suffered what was the typical all good or all bad classification growing up.  It's crazy that, now that I am in my 40's with children of my own, I can understand exactly what it was that I went through, even when on the face of it, I had a good life.  I was provided for, went to great schools, great vacations..I lived a privileged life and had good times with my mom, but there is also the dark side, the shadows that lurked and the realization that much of my behavior and ways of thinking were very much groomed by my mom.  My life became something for her to be proud of, to be a reflection for her, to do all the things and be all the things that she never had an opportunity to be. Life was good when I stayed course, but shifting meant turning into all-bad and her influence and my desire to please was incredibly unhealthy.  I broke the cycle in my 20's via my current husband who truly saved me in so many ways.  A good and understanding man with a very stable family (versus mine where my parents divorce led me into a battle of wills where my mom made every attempt to make my loyalty to her alone and pretend my dad was never my dad..luckily didn't work), swept me off my feet and helped me feel safe to be me and make choices for myself.  My husband was not what she wanted for me.  She said hurtful things like, 'You're children will look like frogs!' and just belittling things about his family. She even asked for him to meet with her alone and grilled him for no less than 3 hours and overshared everything about my life..everything.  It didn't scare him away and he held his own.  Lest to say that this is when everything went downhill at warp speed.  My mother threatened to not attend my wedding, especially if my dad was going to be there. She made everything about her. when she visited, she acted completely crazy. It felt so uncomfortable, she'd mumble to herself, sigh loudly, just not pleasant.  Just acted like a petulant child. Even my therapist, who had one session with her told me essentially that my mom needed serious mental help. What made things hard is that she would have pocket moments of being nice and 'normal'.  This would and still does to an extent, make me think there is hope...but then, as always, it passes.  What is so sad is that it has been over 15 years since my parents divorce and my mother has done nothing to better herself.  She doesn't work (lives off the wopping settlement my mom got...ends October 2020), doesn't keep active, doesn't have any stable friends.  I'm left wondering what she does all day other than watch TV or play on her phone. I finally got her to move to Orlando, a few houses down actually, to be close where I can keep an eye on her, especially as she ages and to be close where she can spend time with my kids.  It has been awful.  She complains that the house she bought is a dump (it's a charming cottage in one of the best neighborhoods in Orlando).  She has been there a year and is still sleeping on two twin beds (which were meant for my girls' for their rooms and their beds that my mom ordered for them, then promptly returned.  What she tends to do. She'll buy then return) on the floor of the living room, with a little TV on the floor.  She is using sheets that I lent her.  Everything is still in boxes.  She complains about money, but then paid to have her kitchen completely renovated and also bought a lexus, yet...she acts like she doesn't have 2 pennies to rub together. She has angry text outbursts at me with crazy stuff that I have no idea what she is even talking about and then the next moment she acts like everything is fine.  She had a panic attack and called an ambulance that I saw going down the street, that she failed to tell me (I had to call to find out) was for her.  She was cleared by cardiology that it was NOT a heart attack, but then tells the extended family that she had a heart attack.  She has talked bad about me and my husband to our extended family...two of my cousins won't talk to me. It's lies, fabrication, gas-lighting...all the typical stuff.  I did finally put my foot down and say that she is not to be alone with my kids.  Her outbursts, trip to the ER and the fact that she is still sleeping on two mattresses on the floor of her living room does not give me confidence in having my kids be alone with her.  Not to mention what could come out of her mouth.  She already told my eldest that her grandpa (my dad), has a problem with alcohol. Anyway, I'm sorry for writing so much, but I guess I'm just sharing what many of you may have faced.  The feeling of helplessness, anger, guilt..to the point where you may now be like me where I have already mourned the loss of my mom and now i just tolerate.  I love her as the person who gave birth to me.  I care about her well-being, but the hope of any normal motherly relationship was buried years ago.  I feel sad for her and wish she would find it in herself to take care of herself.  To see a therapist...ANY doctor.  I wish she would snap out of this 'victim' mentality and get a real life for herself. I'm happy that I have taken a stand to break the cycle.  To be the mom to my children that is stable, accepting, fostering them as individuals with their own opinions and dreams that are theirs, not mine.  Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.  I know this will be a source of strength as time goes on.  A senior mother with BPD is a hard case and one that I feel, sometimes, that i'm tackling alone.  Having a place where I can share and support others will provide great healing and comfort.  Thank you.   

[me2019]

Hi everyone, this is my first posting on a group help site of any kind, but hoping this will provide some help and comfort as I try to navigate what has been years and years of dealing with a borderline mother.  While my mother is not a diagnosed 'BPD', the reading and research that I have done would confirm so, along with Narcissistic tendencies. I'm an only child and suffered what was the typical all good or all bad classification growing up.  It's crazy that, now that I am in my 40's with children of my own, I can understand exactly what it was that I went through, even when on the face of it, I had a good life.  I was provided for, went to great schools, great vacations..I lived a privileged life and had good times with my mom, but there is also the dark side, the shadows that lurked and the realization that much of my behavior and ways of thinking were very much groomed by my mom.  My life became something for her to be proud of, to be a reflection for her, to do all the things and be all the things that she never had an opportunity to be. Life was good when I stayed course, but shifting meant turning into all-bad and her influence and my desire to please was incredibly unhealthy.  I broke the cycle in my 20's via my current husband who truly saved me in so many ways.  A good and understanding man with a very stable family (versus mine where my parents divorce led me into a battle of wills where my mom made every attempt to make my loyalty to her alone and pretend my dad was never my dad..luckily didn't work), swept me off my feet and helped me feel safe to be me and make choices for myself.  My husband was not what she wanted for me.  She said hurtful things like, 'You're children will look like frogs!' and just belittling things about his family. She even asked for him to meet with her alone and grilled him for no less than 3 hours and overshared everything about my life..everything.  It didn't scare him away and he held his own.  Lest to say that this is when everything went downhill at warp speed.  My mother threatened to not attend my wedding, especially if my dad was going to be there. She made everything about her. when she visited, she acted completely crazy. It felt so uncomfortable, she'd mumble to herself, sigh loudly, just not pleasant.  Just acted like a petulant child. Even my therapist, who had one session with her told me essentially that my mom needed serious mental help. What made things hard is that she would have pocket moments of being nice and 'normal'.  This would and still does to an extent, make me think there is hope...but then, as always, it passes.  What is so sad is that it has been over 15 years since my parents divorce and my mother has done nothing to better herself.  She doesn't work (lives off the wopping settlement my mom got...ends October 2020), doesn't keep active, doesn't have any stable friends.  I'm left wondering what she does all day other than watch TV or play on her phone. I finally got her to move to Orlando, a few houses down actually, to be close where I can keep an eye on her, especially as she ages and to be close where she can spend time with my kids.  It has been awful.  She complains that the house she bought is a dump (it's a charming cottage in one of the best neighborhoods in Orlando).  She has been there a year and is still sleeping on two twin beds (which were meant for my girls' for their rooms and their beds that my mom ordered for them, then promptly returned.  What she tends to do. She'll buy then return) on the floor of the living room, with a little TV on the floor.  She is using sheets that I lent her.  Everything is still in boxes.  She complains about money, but then paid to have her kitchen completely renovated and also bought a lexus, yet...she acts like she doesn't have 2 pennies to rub together. She has angry text outbursts at me with crazy stuff that I have no idea what she is even talking about and then the next moment she acts like everything is fine.  She had a panic attack and called an ambulance that I saw going down the street, that she failed to tell me (I had to call to find out) was for her.  She was cleared by cardiology that it was NOT a heart attack, but then tells the extended family that she had a heart attack.  She has talked bad about me and my husband to our extended family...two of my cousins won't talk to me. It's lies, fabrication, gas-lighting...all the typical stuff.  I did finally put my foot down and say that she is not to be alone with my kids.  Her outbursts, trip to the ER and the fact that she is still sleeping on two mattresses on the floor of her living room does not give me confidence in having my kids be alone with her.  Not to mention what could come out of her mouth.  She already told my eldest that her grandpa (my dad), has a problem with alcohol. Anyway, I'm sorry for writing so much, but I guess I'm just sharing what many of you may have faced.  The feeling of helplessness, anger, guilt..to the point where you may now be like me where I have already mourned the loss of my mom and now i just tolerate.  I love her as the person who gave birth to me.  I care about her well-being, but the hope of any normal motherly relationship was buried years ago.  I feel sad for her and wish she would find it in herself to take care of herself.  To see a therapist...ANY doctor.  I wish she would snap out of this 'victim' mentality and get a real life for herself. I'm happy that I have taken a stand to break the cycle.  To be the mom to my children that is stable, accepting, fostering them as individuals with their own opinions and dreams that are theirs, not mine.  Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories.  I know this will be a source of strength as time goes on.  A senior mother with BPD is a hard case and one that I feel, sometimes, that i'm tackling alone.  Having a place where I can share and support others will provide great healing and comfort.  Thank you.   

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to read all the frustrating challenges you have with your mother with BPD with narcissistic tendencies. You have come to the right place, where you will be supported and understood. There are many people who post here and support others who also have a mother with BPD with narcissistic tendencies. My mother who died earlier this month had BPD with narcissistic tendencies. You talk about wishing she would change yet it is unfortunately unlikely that she will, and things are likely to get worse with time. I am wondering if it might help to spend less time around her, see her less often and make the visits shorter. Do read the materials on this website and read the posts of other members on the PSI Board. You can find ways to deal with having a mother with BPD that will make her behaviors have less of a negative impact on you and your family. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[GaGrl]

Welcome! We are glad that you have joined us, even though the reason you found us is not pleasant. There are definitely members here who have dealt with this and are currently dealing with it. We can help and support you.

It's good that you have worked with a therapist -- you sound very realistic about your mother's mental problems.

My mom is  93 and lives with us. Her step-mother was a high-functioning yet full-blown uNPD/BPD. My mother has a few BPD traits that I attribute to having had this step-mother "work on" her since the age of six (her mother died during a pregnancy when my mom was four). My husband and I try not to get frustrated when these traits show up -- usually they consist of being waifish and feeling sorry for herself when we don't take her advice or do something the way she wants.

What is the issue with your mother that is causing you the most frustration right now?

[me2019]

Thank you @Zachira and @Gagrl for your replies.  I have to admit, my eyes welled pretty much immediately as having anyone who's been there or understands from personal experience is hard to come by.  It seems I'm most consistently surrounded by friends who seem to have a 'Leave it to Beaver' family and, while they are sympathetic, their 'I'm sorry's' are always innocently laced with a dear in headlights look like they are somehow faced with someone telling them that gravity doesn't exist. . They just couldn't fathom anything like that happening...sometimes it just makes me feel more alone. 
In any event, what is causing me most frustration with my mom right now is just her lack of motivation to take care of herself and to be present for her grandkids when given the opportunity.  Short of whatever tests she got when in the ER, my mother has not been to a proper doctor in I don't know how many years.  No Gyno, no family doctor, maybe even not a dentist...who knows.  She will make complaint about things to me, healthwise (the latest telling me she had some vaginal warts that she found that were bleeding, to which I told her she must see a doctor, to which she goes into how she wouldn't have had to worry about this had my dad not cheated on her..again, while maybe she is right...this was over 15 years ago that the were divorced.  My dad has been remarried for over 10 years now.), but then never going to get it looked at.  The conditions of my mom getting to have alone time with my kids is that she begins counseling with a therapist that specializes in dialectical behavioral therapy. I've offered to pay, to drive her...she won't do it. She complains of not having time with the girls and not getting to see them and all the boo-hoo-hooing (tears welling up in front of the kids like 'poor me' never getting to see you...blah blah blah) and then yet when I invite her for dinner, or if she wants to come to a play with us or whatever, she responds that she 'has plans' or 'can't make it' or some curt response.  I don't bother asking what the plans are or why or even make a fuss.  I just say, 'oh I'm sorry. we'll miss having you.  maybe some other time.'  I even suggest that SHE suggest a time that might work and she doesn't.  it's like pulling teeth!  I know that she is trying to avoid my husband, to whom she places the blame for all that is wrong with the relationship with my mom and myself.  I mean, how could her daughter actually not want to spend time with her for justifiable reasons.  It simply MUST be this awful husband who has been nothing but loving and supporting of her.  And when I say supportive, my husband holds his tongue (the best he can), tries to help her (Ie. paid for her movers, took her to look at cars, took her to look at appliances, etc.), but yet he is the enemy.  So yeah, just irritated.  I'm keeping my cool, maintaining even keel.  I don't engage in her fishing attempts, but it's just like trying to manage a child.  Just a crazy dynamic.

[GaGrl]

Good responses there! My husband and I have a clear understanding that we don't react to my mom's silent treatment or pours -- we go about our business and do not attempt to coax her out of it.

My father was only 8 years younger than my uNPD/BPD stepmother (she was only 18 when she married my grandad, and my mom was 6). My father had infinite patience but this woman would try the patience of a saint. Dad did several wonderful things that protected us. He moved us 200 miles away when I was a baby. We minimized the number of visits each year. And when she crossed a line with my mom, Dad very sternly (and simp!y) said, "That's enough, Dorothy." They must have had a history, because that's all it took to back her off.

 your husband sounds terrific.

[pursuingJoy]

I can relate to much of what you're sharing, only for me, it's my mother in law. It's so hard to want to care for someone who self-sabotages their own health. The oversharing, attacking people they perceive as threats, even buying then returning things all sound familiar. You're not alone!