Abandoning my faith caused a void? (Christian topic)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi. I’m seeking some insight from a religious POV. A little background, then I’ll get to it. I was baptized, raised and confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church. I can clearly remember being a believer in God and Jesus. I prayed, but never really had the attention span to study the Bible on my own. Somewhere along the way I believe I abandoned my faith. There are several reasons I’ve been speculating on while exploring this. Obviously they all lead to having disordered parents and a highly dysfunctional home life. I think that one big factor in this is the fact that my dad force fed us Catholicism, but he was full blown NPD and highly abusive behind closed doors. A thought came to me a few days ago regarding abandoning my faith in God. Did I possibly create a void within myself when I turned my back on God, and was this void vulnerable to some pretty dark moments in my life? I’m far enough along in the healing process where I can give more thought and attention to things other than myself. Religion and God has become a pretty big topic for me. I may be reading into some things a bit much, but sometimes I can’t help but think I’ve been receiving signs that God is still there for me. Please don’t mistake that for magical thinking, it’s just that I’ve been picking up on little nuances that I wouldn’t have paid any mind to before. I’m curious about other’s thoughts on the possible void that may be created when one abandons their faith. Thanks for reading.

[JNChell]

Hi. I’m seeking some insight from a religious POV. A little background, then I’ll get to it. I was baptized, raised and confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church. I can clearly remember being a believer in God and Jesus. I prayed, but never really had the attention span to study the Bible on my own. Somewhere along the way I believe I abandoned my faith. There are several reasons I’ve been speculating on while exploring this. Obviously they all lead to having disordered parents and a highly dysfunctional home life. I think that one big factor in this is the fact that my dad force fed us Catholicism, but he was full blown NPD and highly abusive behind closed doors. A thought came to me a few days ago regarding abandoning my faith in God. Did I possibly create a void within myself when I turned my back on God, and was this void vulnerable to some pretty dark moments in my life? I’m far enough along in the healing process where I can give more thought and attention to things other than myself. Religion and God has become a pretty big topic for me. I may be reading into some things a bit much, but sometimes I can’t help but think I’ve been receiving signs that God is still there for me. Please don’t mistake that for magical thinking, it’s just that I’ve been picking up on little nuances that I wouldn’t have paid any mind to before. I’m curious about other’s thoughts on the possible void that may be created when one abandons their faith. Thanks for reading.

[Skip]

... thoughts on the possible void that may be created when one abandons their faith.

One way to approach this question, may be to compare it to other questions like it.

Is a void created when one abandons their belief in God?
Is a void created when one abandons their belief in gravity?
Is a void created when one abandons their belief in biological citric acid cycle (CAC) – also known as the TCA cycle (tricarboxylic acid cycle) or the Krebs cycle?

If I abandoned my faith in gravity, I would have to redefine the way I live. I wouldn't expect toilets in my house to work. I would have to reconcile why they do work. So if not gravity, then what. Why does a pencil stay on my desk. Somehow I would need another belief to be able to function.

What happens if I abandoned my faith in the Krebs cycle. I really don't know what the heck a Krebs cycle is, so its easy to abandon. But do I pay some price in life for not knowing it? I can't know without taking the time to learn what the Krebs cycle is.

I use  these examples as I suspect from the way you have phrased your questions, you may want to ask yourself, "did I ever have faith" or maybe even "do I know what faith is"?  "Is it time to lift the cover and look in?"

As children, we can go to Sunday school, be Baptized, and be confirmed. That doesn't necessarily mean we have faith. It means we had exposure. Faith starts (in a Christian sense) when we start to accept the teachings of Christ and the word of Bible. Those of faith start this process at different times in life and grow and progress at different speeds and directions.

Maybe the real question is, I haven't really embraced my faith, how do I start that  at my age. How do I begin that process... open my eyes to what it is all about... start the questioning and exploration of my doubts... reach forward to see if it reaches back to me.

Maybe the place to start is a sign up for a few bible studies, show up for a session or two, and decide if you want to come back. Try a few topics, visit a few churches, see what connects.  There are many bible studies entitled Divorce Recovery, or Singles Parents Over 40. They are free. They often have books to support the study (you don't have to know the Bible to start).

Put your finger in.

I've suggested this to many members here and the feedback I usually get back is "I can't believe how caring and open everyone is".

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi JNChell, I am glad to meet you. Skip has asked some really interesting questions and made some great suggestions about where one starts to find faith later in life. I am a Baptist pastor and theology professor "in real life" so I guess I should have all the answers right? (not) Having a son with BPD is actually the most serious test of faith I have ever been through. Sometimes I get so angry at God I cuss him/her/it the heck out using language they don't allow on this website. So trust me, I am the LAST person to judge someone for losing faith or having a void due to loving people with serious mental illnesses all the more so if, like you, they had religion forced on them. ewww. I hate that. Jesus taught us love not fear. Apparently some churches did not get the memo.  That said, I have also found that God shows up when I least expect it, not on my time of course. If it was up to me God would have healed my son several years ago. But God does show up just when I need it the most and gives me the strength to "keep on keeping on" when I am past my own human capability so I guess I am still a believer potty mouth and all.  I am blessed with a husband and a church family and many believer/friends who understand my feelings (and my cussing) and don't judge or condemn me so that helps too. At this point, I have surrendered my child to his Creator and that gives me enough peace to detach from the pain and get on with my life. I like what Skip said about trying out a few churches. It is sort of like finding a therapist. Sometimes you have to shop around until you find just the right fit, but when you find it you will know. Meanwhile don't be afraid to ask questions. God doesn't get mad at that. I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me questions too. I am happy to help.
hugs
Faith

[JNChell]

Skip, thank you. It’s hard to say if I ever had faith. I do remember praying on my own as a youngster. I remember how special midnight mass felt on Christmas Eve. Something that has stuck out to me is Notwendy suggesting that we need to redefine our faith as adults. I get it. Social anxiety, which is much less now, plays a part in my procrastination of reaching out to pastors for a conversation. I don’t know how to approach it.

Again, many thanks.

[JNChell]

Hi, FaithHopeLove. I think we met some time back.  It’s nice to reconnect and I appreciate what you’ve stated. I appreciate the support and guidance.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a child with BPD. That is a whole different animal than what most of us are dealing with. Pardon my words, but we don’t walk away from our children.

Ok. The consensus is that I’m trying to find faith (a way back to God) later in life. I can agree with that. I like the idea of Bible study without having to become a member of the congregation or attending mass. To be honest, the thought of it all simply makes me nervous.

I’m sorry for what you have to endure. You have to let those emotions out somehow. If you don’t, they’ll fester.

How should I approach a church? Just show up on a Sunday? Call and ask for a meeting?

[JNChell]

FHL, I’m short on time tonight. My kiddo is ready to get out of the tub. Close to his bedtime. Thank you. I’m not done responding.

[FaithHopeLove]

Church "shopping" is (or should be) an easy process. You just show up. Depending on the denomination they may ask you to fill out a visitor's card or sign a guestbook. Usually the pastor or someone else on staff will reach out either by phone or, more typically, with a note. I recommend you just go with your gut. Keep visiting churches until you find one that feels right. There are lots of people in situations like yours, seeking a connection with God or some higher power and lots of places to find it. It is very individual not one size fits all. I believe the Holy Spirit will guide you to the place you need to be that will nourish your soul. I am praying for you.
Hugs
Faith

[Skip]

Most churches will go overboard to embrace you when you come to them.

We have a church nearby that ask newcomers (via a sign) to turn on their headlights when they enter the parking lot. Everyone who see that will wave at the car. The parking attendants will direct that car to a special parking area which is right by the front door. On most days, someone will greet you on your way in...

Most churches aren't this organized (or over organized), but they are all thinking the same way... if someone new comes in and is looking for light, they want to let you know that you are welcomed with open arms and no conditions.

[JNChell]

Most churches will go overboard to embrace you when you come to them.

I’ve thought about this. Being embraced in the past has brought me hardship. I’m not trying to be difficult, I’m just trying to cover the bases. Maybe that’s my biggest setback (fear). Being accepted and not trusting it.

You know what, I keep asking questions, receive positive feedback but take it back to why I shouldn’t or can’t do something that I want to do because I’m afraid to do it. People approach churches everyday. I shouldn’t be afraid of something so trivial.

[JNChell]

FaithHopeLove, same message I sent Skip. Have you ever come across congregation members that admitted being afraid and holding out before they eventually reached out?

[Skip]

FaithHopeLove, same message I sent Skip. Have you ever come across congregation members that admitted being afraid and holding out before they eventually reached out?

Of course. And some people will come on stronger that others (in life and in church), but people in the church aren't there to sell you, or take your money, or get you to promise to come every Sunday, they are there to accept you, provide you a warm embrace as you face the chills you are facing.

For me, I asked for volunteer opportunities so I could work side by side with others and help other people. This is not intimidating at all... when it comes to Habitat for Humanity, or a Meals for the Homeless, you will be an equal to everyone that you are volunteering with.

You can assimilate the word at your own pace... there are no tests.

Skip

[FaithHopeLove]

FaithHopeLove, same message I sent Skip. Have you ever come across congregation members that admitted being afraid and holding out before they eventually reached out?

Yes. I have met many people who are afraid to reach out to churches for all kinds of reasons, old hurts, fear of being judged, social anxiety, etc. In fact a good friend of mine totally supports me and my ministry but won't come to hear me preach because he had bad experiences growing up of being shamed in church and never got over it. I am not exactly sure where your fear is coming from but you are definitely not alone in it. The good news is there are plenty of churches out there who will welcome you and accept you. Like Skip says it doesn't have to be scary.

[formflier]

Hey JNChell,

I'm so glad you reached out and you are getting excellent advice and questions.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Holy Spirit was poking at you a bit...and you responded.  Sitting up and taking notice..asking questions..."responding", when the Holy Spirit is giving you a nudge is a good thing!

Also a good thing to be honest with yourself, with God and with others about what make sense to you in the Bible and what doesn't.  Perhaps more important to "fess up" when it just doesn't make any sense.  Asking (praying) to God for help understanding is a great place to start.

I would add to advice of others to just pick up the Bible and dive in.  These days you can get it via an ap on your phone that lets you read the same passage in different versions (king james, NIV...etc etc).  I hope and pray you can find one that seems easy and plain for you to read.

Praying for you.

Best,

FF
 

[empath]

JNChell, church is a big part of the context for my life and the situation that I find myself in right now. I was nearly ordained - I've been educated and trained as a pastor. That was when everything hit the fan with the church and my h. So, I love talking about God, faith, and the church.

There's a theological thought that we all have a "void" or "hole" within our souls that we tend to try to fill with something. People have a lot of options about what they choose to fill it with which all have their own set of consequences. People can even fill that hole with being super religious outwardly - but not really filling the hole in their souls.

Do you have your own Bible?

Honestly, there are a lot of people who are afraid of the whole church scene for all sorts of reasons. Heck, I'm pretty cautious about church myself. Some churches have other gatherings that are easier entry-points for these kinds of people.

[Fian]

If God exists, then it is reasonable that He is reaching out to you.  Rejecting your Creator would leave a void in your life.

[JNChell]

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement everyone.

Skip & FHL, I think that a comfortable approach would be looking into Bible Study classes. Putting my feet in instead of jumping in head first. This is a very personal subject for me, but I can’t help but take notice on how fulfilled people that have fully accepted the Lord and Savior into their lives really are. It’s one of those things that makes me ask myself lately, “how can I get there?”. Again, I’ll mention what Notwendy said about redefining our faith as adults. Skip, for me, this also plays into your question of if I really ever had faith to begin with. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I understand that there are instances where people experience a severe hardship and abandon their faith, but I think that, for the most part, once a person has established their faith and accepted the Holy Spirit as part of themselves that it isn’t something that one simply lets go of. I think it’s quite the opposite. I think it’s something that they would turn to in times of need, turmoil, despair etc. It’s very cliche and worn out, but WWJD? That seems like a pretty good question to ask oneself on a daily basis.

[JNChell]

Hi, formflier. I appreciate you chiming in here. I really like what you have to say and agree. It has felt like I’ve been getting pokes here and there. Especially when I find myself being more open to it. There are little nuances (signs?) that I’ve been paying attention to. Random things that may seem a bit trivial, but things that I wouldn’t have paid any attention to before. Thanks for the advice.

[JNChell]

Hi, empath. You know, I’ve had conversations about what you described with my best friend. I think that what you stated about some people being outwardly religious but not actually being fulfilled in their faith is fairly common. My best friend is a Christian but doesn’t belong to a congregation or attend Church. He once explained to me that his faith is personal to him as is his relationship with God. I can understand that. He’s a very good man and I believe and trust in everything that he tells me. His stance makes sense to me because I know him. He’s not a social butterfly, but also not an introvert. I tend to be more social and outgoing when I’m feeling well which has thankfully been on the upswing these days, so the thought of belonging to a congregation seems nice.

I don’t have a Bible right now but will be ordering one soon. I’ve been listening to a really good Bible Study podcast lately, but I think I’ll get more out of physically reading the book with a highlighter like my grandpa did every morning.

[JNChell]

Hi, Fian. Thanks for reinforcing the idea that God is reaching out to me as I’m beginning to reach out him. I’ve never truly rejected the Lord, but I have ignored him. There’s some guilt attached to that.

[empath]

JNChell, it's pretty common for people who have dysfunctional FOO's that included religion to "ignore" their faith for a while. Often, they have a distorted view of parental love that gets transferred onto God. Understanding how God's love is different than our earthly experiences of love is fundamental for our growth in the faith -- regardless of the functionality of our FOO's.

For me, reading the Bible on my own and listening to what God seemed to be saying to me formed that deep relationship. I also need a community around me that gives me a chance to put my learning into practice with other people.

It sounds like you are reaching out to God, too.

[formflier]

Hi, Fian.   I’ve never truly rejected the Lord, but I have ignored him. There’s some guilt attached to that.

Might be a good topic for some of your first reading in the Bible.  Hopefully put that in a proper perspective.

Best,

FF

[JNChell]

Can you elaborate a bit more?

[formflier]

  Sure

How do you see what I said relating to John 3:17?

The purpose of Jesus is...?

If Jesus did not come to (fill in the blank) then what should you do with your view that you "ignored him" for a while.

Best,

FF

[JNChell]

I suppose that I should get rid of those old thoughts and doubts.