Trouble with my sister

[Clarestone]

Hello all,

My sister was recently diagnosed with BPD. It has gotten worse  since our dad passed away.

We have had an up and down relationship but this past year has been terrible. She ruminates and twists things. She is a fantastic manipulator and has to have the control or dominance in the situation. She mostly does this by choosing to not respond to text messages and giving the silent treatment regardless of the content of the message.

We recently got into a disagreement and hadn’t spoken for almost a month. I found out that on the same day our brother and I were talking about going camping, she had plans with our mom. I thought this was perfect since she says she needs alone time with her. When she found out that we were going camping she thought we had intentionally left her out. I reached out to her to apologize and explain what had happened and she continues to leave me in the dark. My last message to her indicated that I need hear from her to know she wants to resolve our issues but again I am met with no response.

I’m feeling incredibly drained and stressed and anxious about the whole situation.  I’m running on empty and I’m desperate. I feel like I don’t have any more energy to give to this situation. It’s like she can’t see anything from anyone else’s perspective.

If anyone has advice on how I can manage the situation: being there for her, mom, and all without compromising my mental health in the process (I have a history of anxiety and depression, not currently experiencing), that would be very helpful.

[Panda39]

Hi clairstone,

Welcome to the site 

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  But everyone here often finds themselves in similar situations with our family members.

IMO you go on your trip with your brother just as the two of you planned, don't let your sister hold you guys hostage go and have fun.  Your sister can visit with your mom just as she planned. 

You are not a bad person for going, I can hear that you are feeling obligated.  It's a tough place, that space between what you want to do (go camping with your brother) and what you feel you should do (include your sister).  I have had some real meltdowns in my past when I have found myself squeezed between those two and what I finally decided for me that I will choose what I want to do not what I'm obligated to do.  There can be some guilt by doing that but over all I find I am happier.  Besides if I do something out of a sense of obligation I will become resentful.

You are not responsible for your sisters emotions she is, I know it's uncomfortable for you that she is uncomfortable but she needs to deal with her own feelings and you should go camping!

I want to share some of the information from the site about some things I'm hearing in your post.  The first is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  I am hearing all three in your post...Fear that she will be mad at you, Obligated to include her because she's your sister, and Guilt because you really just want to go with your brother.  Usually if you are feeling pressure from your sister it's likely FOG...

Link to more on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The other thing I heard in your post was JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  We all do it particularly when we are being falsely accused or attacked.  The goal with someone with BPD is to keep the JADE at a minimum.  When we JADE we just provide more ammunition to up the drama and off we go often ending up in a circular argument that goes no where.

More on JADE...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us.  Again Welcome.

Panda39

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Clarestone 

I want to second the notion that your sister is responsible for her own emotions and you should enjoy your trip with your brother. Recently my MIL was upset with me (I set a boundary) so she refused to come to our house for my husband's birthday party. All he could think about was his mom being upset and hurting. He was miserable on his birthday. It was so hard to watch.

They both blame me, and it's tough. My current mantra: they can try to put the blame on me but I don't have to carry it. In fact, I'm contributing to the health of the entire family if I refuse to carry it. Stay calm, trust your gut and don't carry more than your load!

[Panda39]

Hi PursuingJoy

My current mantra: they can try to put the blame on me but I don't have to carry it.

                               

Love this!

Panda39