|
Gemsforeyes
|
 |
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2019, 11:55:47 AM » |
|
Dear Pemi23-
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. I just read through your brief history on our boards here.
I’ve been active here since about May 2017, when I googled the phrase “unprovoked rage in men” ... that was 3.5 years into my relationship with my BF. My uBPDbf. A roller coaster of a relationship, as you well know. We’re older- both 61 now. Numerous threats to break up (I’d normally just let him leave) and then he’d wait for me to “forgive and forget” his childish, but very cruel behavior. And I have always forgiven him. And once I learned what lies behind his behavior, I changed ME. That helped. The dynamic between US changed. And he did eventually go to therapy, although I’m not certain how long that lasted. He’s about to go back to deal with another issue.
Here’s the thing, Pemi - He’s a good man. If he wasn’t, I would NOT stay with him. My exH was NOT a good man. He was filled with intentional cruelty. My uBPBbf is not.
One time a while ago, following a particularly bad rage when he was very calm... I asked him if he’d gotten that angry at others in his past or if *I* just bring out this rage in him. And he said he has done that to “Everyone”... I said, “I’m so sorry, I’m sure that must hurt in your body when that happens.” It was a good talk.
What I believe has REALLY helped us during this period is that he has finally... finally...seen anger from me. He did something and I lost it. I blew up at him in a reaction. He thought we would reunite as usual, but I told him I was going to therapy to work on “anger issues”. And that was mostly true. I was angry at myself, for what I had endured during my marriage. And at the fact that I had allowed myself to be emotionally abused AGAIN by my uBPDbf. I knew there was underlying depression for YEARS... and anxiety. And it had to stop.
So I started using the communication tools again. I lead US. I watch his face. I am very specific in my communication with him. When I say I watch his face... here is an example - we were having a talk about something. I got teary-eyed. I could see he was about to escalate and call me an idiot for becoming emotional. So I put my arms out and said “the appropriate response to tears is hugging”. He reached for me and hugged me. No escalation. All from watching his face.
It sounds like your H has some awareness, correct? If your H is not yet ready for therapy, then YOU go. Get help for yourself. I really believe that if he sees YOU doing something, he will respond.
When he speaks, really listen to what he’s saying. When mine has intense things to say, I make sure we sit down to discuss them, so he can see I’m focused. I limit my questions so I don’t escalate. Maybe give this a try?
I know with my uBPDbf so much about his illness is about control, the way he was physically abused and controlled by his parents. And still is emotionally manipulated by his mother. Such a fine line to walk.
What do you know and understand of your H’s history? And how your own background does a dance with your beloved husband’s... There’s is nothing about this that’s simple. But the love between you can be real. He just needs to know that YOU are the one he can trust. In my case, it’s all about the trust.
I don’t know that we’ll stay lovers forever, but we will remain friends.
Please keep posting.
Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
|
