Where to start

[Amomandwife]

There’s no official diagnosis but this is the only thing that has made much sense until now. I am constantly accused of wanting other men. He says I have physical reactions to them. I’ve been accused of being in a sex video he found online and said he had confirmed through voice analysis was me. He can be great for a while but I see the shift in his eyes. Yesterday he accused me (after returning from a business trip) of having crushes on men at airports, in front of our children, who completely flipped out. I’m reading the books, I’m trying to figure out what to do. He thinks the worst of me and all I’ve ever done was love and support him and work hard to raise our three kids. We left for 8 months because it was just simply too unhealthy but we are home now. He won’t get help. He thinks I’m the one with the problem. There’s so much to say. I’m just lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stillhopeful4]

He won’t get help. He thinks I’m the one with the problem. There’s so much to say. I’m just lost.

((Hugs)  I'm new here too.  Know that you aren't alone.  This sounds too familiar to me.  This is my life.  I hope you are able to work on you.  THat's what I'm trying hard to do.  Focus on me and my kids and being happy.

[loyalwife]

Dear Where to start:
   Take comfort in this; you are not alone.
    What you described, could have been me describing my husband three years ago. I knew that something was off, his rages, his insecurities and like you said "the shift in his eyes".  How can someone that professes to love you one minute, and you're on a pedestal, turn around and deflate you and accuse you of infidelity? The only hole that fit for me was BPD. You are in the right place.
     This forum is your lifeline. We are here because as a 'family' we share the same similarities. This is the time that you learn how to take care of yourself so that you are there for your kids. We can't change or fix our pwBPD, but we can change how we react to them. For instance, validation. Watch the videos here and read all that you can. There is lot's of information that will guide you. Best of all, you have your 'family' here.
     When you mentioned the airport scenario with your kids, my heart hurt for you. They must have felt so embarrassed. How old are they? Do you have a therapist that you work with? 
     Keep your chin up. Let the accusations of infidelity roll off your back. My husband accused me of being at a hotel for three hours yesterday. I was in traffic and he was monitoring my location. If I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying. But truth is truth.
     

[Amomandwife]

Thank you both.  I never returned, because I wasn’t really sure how much I could use an online community...but I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I need.  Your responses are so appreciated.  I’m been struggling so much lately with feeling like I have to do SO much emotionally just to keep the status quo. I am in therapy and she’s amazing, helping me see a lot. My husband’s trigger is his family, unfortunately there’s a lot going on there right now.  His mother is a narcissistic alcoholic and her enabler (his father) is declining with dementia.  This was where the symptoms all started, a few years back, but they’ve just continued to intensify with the situation worsening.  He gets stressed out or upset with his mom, but turns all of his anger, distrust, hatred, and disgust onto me referencing ridiculous things from 15+ years ago.  My kids are concerned. They want to know why I cry all the time.  They know that mommy and daddy are having difficulties.  I think my biggest struggle still is the fear that he will give up on our family and my love.  That’s so mess up.  I know how messed up it is, I should be stronger.  But I love this man and I want to raise my kids in a loving family with both of their parents.  I just wish he would work harder to make that happen with me.  I spoke with a family member who is a dr the other day and she and I were talking about my recent symptoms that I have known here depression...but hoped were just my thyroid giving out.  She explained how when they need to induce depression in mice for clinical testing they have to introduce them to constant stressors.  They hate swimming.  So multiple times a day they force them to swim. It stresses them out. Over and over.  Eventually they become depressed.  It changes their brain.  Some will even just give up and stop swimming.  I feel like a mouse in a pool.

[secretgirl]

Hey amomandwife.
This is exactly like my bf (exbf?) he’s ignoring me now actually because I am not admitting to lies he made up from his insecurity .
I’m sorry that you’re going through this it does suck and hurt especially if you’re faithful like I am and do everything in your power to show that but it’s not you trust me... it’s all THEIR stuff.
Just try to focus on yourself during these times. Think in your head “is there any truth in what he says?” If the answer is yes, try to address it .
If the answer is “no”, then stick to your story. Don’t apologize for things you didn’t do and don’t console him for this bad behavior. You can say you’re sorry he feels this way and how it must suck for him to feel this way. But believe me I started the convo with this and due to my fault I eventually got frustrated because he kept pushing my buttons and kept accusing . And I finally snapped (yah not good... I honestly should have IGNORED after I started off with the convo of “in sorry you feel this way , can you explain with?” And just had listened instead of trying to defend myself. It’s coming from their own insecurity. They’re worried you’re going to leave them for another man because deep down they don’t feel they deserve your love (what my T said).

Just try and see if from a T’s POV of view and try and be more objective . You DID NOT do anything wrong ! Keep repeating that to yourself and stay strong !

[once removed]

I never returned, because I wasn’t really sure how much I could use an online community...but I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I need. 

why not lean on your support system 

you dont have to do this alone. and experts will you tell you that its critical in these relationships. i wish i had it while i was in it, very much. im glad that i had it afterward.

all the more if you are depressed. 80% of members here arrive depressed. there is hope. you can gain control of your life. but youll need support.

so going back to your OP, you have a very jealous boyfriend. not uncommon here, but perhaps a bit more on the extreme side of that jealousy. there are a lot of great tools here when it comes to dealing with a jealous loved one.

lets start here: when he makes these accusations, how do you respond to them?

[Thayan]

I think what you mentioned is key about his family being a trigger and the reason the wheels fell off. If I can do that and try to connect the dots, I find I can keep some level of compassion for my dBPDw and see how she’s suffering. Before I got some (emotional) distance from her, I couldn’t appreciate it with any healthy connectedness. I’d just be torn up by the maelstrom that could be lashing at me, the kids or anyone in the path. Now when I see her starting to boil as her schizophrenic mother texts her 20 times in a day, I can appreciate how painful this is for her. I don’t know what to do with this yet, but it feels like the right path for me now.