Struggling with breakup

[Os9008]

Hi guys

This is my first post so please be nice  

So I was unaware of BPD at the time of the breakup but thanks to the internet I think I've been dating a suspected BPD women for 4 months. From the start up until 3 and a half months she was always very affectionate, caring, charming, fun to be around and loved sex! I stayed over at hers & she stayed at mine, we both met each others friends and we became exclusive during the 2nd month of dating. For the first time it felt like I was getting somewhere with my love life.

As a person I've always liked to have "me" time. This means managing time for my Friends & hobbies whilst also keeping my love interest happy. Things started to get a little weird after the 3rd month when she got back off holiday, she asked if we could spend more time together & maybe plan holidays & weekends away which I was totally down for. Soon after she just seemed to change in such a small space of time once I mentioned meeting parents...here are a few examples of what I mean

- She started to doubt my feelings for her by saying I'm only with her as she was my best option at the time ( this hurt as I really did like this girl)

-Little debates would be blown out of proportion. If I happened to disagree with her she would withdraw affection & giving me the cold shoulder

- She hated to be wrong, this would cause her to fall out with me

- She would see things which weren't there in my texts saying I come across as demanding & controlling when my replies were purely innocent

- She woke up at 3 am and switched the lights on in blind rage before kicking and punching me before getting up, screaming, kicking a basket around the room and walking out to sleep in a different room. (  I didn't get an explanation for this)

- She lied about how long she had been on the pill before we had unprotected sex, only to say she had been on it for 2 days after having sex. 

Shortly after all this she broke up with me saying that being together isn't good for her. I respect her decision & I've tried to talk to her face to face as a couple should be able to do, however she refused this.

Since then she has denied that we were ever exclusive & it feels like she has just switched off all her emotions related to me...The only contact I have had from her is that she wished me happy birthday the other day. I'm gutted as it went so wrong so quickly & it feels like its all pinned on me. I feel like I have no closure & I really want to talk with her but I know I can't, what do I do now? 

[risingup4]

Hi Os9008,

Thanks for posting and I feel your pain. In fact, reading your post reminded me of how things went during that oh so similar relationship two years ago that initially brought me to this board. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the relationship stories are, including yours (debates blown out of proportion, supposedly being on the pill, acting like the relationship was never exclusive).

I didn't know anything about BPD until after the six month relationship was over. Learning about it through this board and several profound books (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, Stopping Walking on Eggshells) were a huge help in my healing process. For me, raising my awareness, including exploring my role in attracting someone suffering from BPD, completely transformed my life for the better. In a weird way, it was a gift to have those six months of someone taking a knife to old wounds I needed to heal. I hope I never need that gift again.

But the biggest part of my healing process is that I went no contact the day we broke up and I've stayed that way ever since - even fighting through the part of me that would never cut someone off like that. In a way, it was an easier way to cope by simply not responding. But over the past two years of learning about BPD and other personality disorders, I've come to understand that unless you have to engage with this person (workplace, shared children), no contact is the only way to move on and truly heal because when it comes right down to it, the person who treats us like that does not deserve to be in our world. It may sound harsh and black and white, but if someone is living in a different reality and abusive towards us, it makes absolutely no sense to have them in our life even if it's to say "hello" on the street. Because even innocuous gestures like that are simply ways they can try to get back into our lives and repeat whatever cycle of abuse they're able to wreak. Remember: while we may spend our days thinking about a whole range of things, there are people out there that spend pretty much all their time and energy figuring out ways to manipulate those around them. That's why they're so good at it!

I used to be the nice guy that always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. That did not serve me well when attracting/dating a BPD. Initially, I was worried that I would become hard and cynical and distrust everyone (and for awhile I may have flirted with those tendencies). But I landed on showing my love and respect for others by giving them a chance, but making sure I don't make excuses for their behavior, even slight transgressions. Sadly, I actually learned this from reading a lot of posts from people who also kept trying to justify behavior they knew was wrong and getting sucked right back into the labyrinth of confusion. As a codependent, I was hard-wired to accept a few things that are out of line. But this whole process has shown me the wisdom in re-wiring my brain to think differently. And, like many people who've been through this, spotting a BPD is much easier now. Everyone has their own healing process to do around this, so hopefully you find yours. I found this board to be a big part of it because it made me realize I was not alone and the uncanny similarities reinforced the belief that there is simply nothing I can do to help this other person I loved so deeply -- only that it's best to stay away.

I wish you all the best and please consider giving true no-contact a try. And believe me, it's not easy because this person likely created so many positive memories and can be so charming, etc. that it's easy to consider breaking it and giving them another chance, or almost worse, trying to maintain some kind of friendship with them. Just remember - breaking no contact is like a drunk falling off the wagon and having to start all over again one day at a time. And the longer we're off the drug of choice, the more beautiful the road in front of us looks.

Peace to  you on your journey!