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Author Topic: This is only my third relationship and I’m scared of being alone  (Read 189 times)
G1B8oN
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« on: August 13, 2019, 12:19:26 PM »

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338388.0

If you could push a big red button right now and you’d be in a new relationship with a different person who loved and cared for you in a mutual symbiotic relationship,  your GF was safe and maybe ‘happy’ but either way not bothering you, you’re in a new home of your own which you could afford in a pleasant area, all your friends and family have been told and cool with it............ would you press the button?

Maybe, I dunno. I can't turn off that I love her. If the button turned off my affection and love too then sure....

I don't really believe that reality is even possible, it sounds like a lovely dream but not something I'd ever achieve...I don't know why I feel that way. Broken down individually I suppose it all seems possible but I don't believe it.

I wonder how much of the way I feel has to do with how alone I was and for how long. I'm 36 now, I didn't have a relationship with ANYONE, not even a school girlfriend/boyfriend until I was 26. I've always had few friends. This is only my third relationship and I'm scared of being alone for another 10 years+
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 02:35:09 PM by Cat Familiar » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2019, 01:34:32 PM »


So...have either of you signed a lease yet?

Were you planning on being the only one on the lease or being "joint"?

Here is the thing.  Now is the time to sign papers if they are going to be signed.

Your landlord will specify what is and isn't allowed.

You can do the same.

Offer to sublet to her and put it in writing.

List out things she has done in the past that will no longer be allowed in your new home.  New home for a new relationship that leaves toxic behaviors behind.

If she refuses to sign...then you know she plans to continue the behaviors. 

Think about it.  If she told you that when you leave the bedroom..she would throw your stuff around a refuse to ever pick it up and put it back.  Would you move in with her again?

Seriously.

1.  No throwing stuff.
2.  No waking you up to talk (yell)

We could list several more.

This is the time to shift power in the relationship away from toxic and dysfunction.  Offer her the choice..if she chooses toxic (and refuses to live under healthy conditions)...would you still let her move in?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2019, 02:11:17 PM »

We've not signed yet but the documents are drawn up. There were mistakes and illegal clauses in them so they had to go back to the letting agent.

It's not possible in the UK to rent a property and legally sublet. The best I can do is make her have a guarantor (done) and make myself the lead tenant (done).

If you were my partner would you intentionally sacrifice your legal rights and protections so that you were vulnerable to being made homeless? She doesn't currently trust that I wouldn't do this so from her perspective it would be a huge  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) and understandably so.

It would be a very long list. Of course I'd also have to give her the opportunity to make her own list and I'd be OK with that as long as it's contents were reasonable and existed to protect her and not exploit me.

For item 1. I already know what she's gonna say.

In her view if I can have a consequence of going downstairs on the couch to sleep if she's disturbing my sleep then she should be able to have the consequence of throwing my stuff out of the bedroom if I do, furniture included. How do I deal with this little knot in the time-space logic continuum? Obviously adding a consequence to her consequence is getting stupid....

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« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2019, 02:26:48 PM »


In her view if I can have a consequence of going downstairs on the couch to sleep if she's disturbing my sleep then she should be able to have the consequence of throwing my stuff out of the bedroom if I do, furniture included. How do I deal with this little knot in the time-space logic continuum? Obviously adding a consequence to her consequence is getting stupid....


You don't decide to live with someone that tells you ahead of time..this is what I'm going to do if you do X..I will do Y.

That's exactly how you deal with it.  (assuming you don't want your stuff bothered)

If you are ok with her tossing your stuff around and it's not that big a deal...then don't worry about it.

There really isn't a middle ground.  Is there?

I would be more than happy to sign a document stating what I do and don't agree to do and that there are appropriate consequences for me doing it (rewards) and punishment if I don't do it.

Why would you not want to sign in a situation like that?  Perhaps if you intend to say that you won't do something, yet really want to keep that option open...that would be a reason for some.


Best,

FF
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2019, 03:19:15 PM »

Excerpt
You don't decide to live with someone that tells you ahead of time..this is what I'm going to do if you do X..I will do Y.

I'm confused. Isn't that what I'm doing by setting boundaries? If you repeatedly interrupt my sleep I will sleep downstairs etc.

Not being intentionally dense, I'm really not quite following...

What you describe sounds like a behaviour contract. I used to be a teacher and that's what we used to make naughty kids do when they'd been excluded from school. I think structured in the way you suggest it would go down like a lead balloon. It's quite authoritarian and confrontational, very rigid. My partner has always rebelled against rules and authority and so she very likely would refuse to sign. Not necessarily because she disagreed with the content but because of the general air and tone.

I think you're on to something though but how about I modify it to something a bit less...targeted? Something we both sign with common "agreements" and a space at the bottom for specific things that only apply to one or the other person? It's still gonna go down like a lead balloon but I might be able to make it fly....just.

For example...

I will listen to my partner’s opinions without interrupting them. I do not need to agree with them but I will not mock or belittle them.

If my opinions are being mocked or belittled or I am otherwise uncomfortable with the tone of the conversation, I will state this and politely exit the discussion. If my partner attempts to continue the discussion I will leave the area until I feel comfortable returning.


I will listen to my partner’s feelings without interrupting them or telling them they are wrong for feeling that way. I may not feel the same way but it is not my job to change someone’s feelings or invalidate them.   

If my feelings are being invalidated or ignored, I will state this and end the discussion until a time I am comfortable to resume it.  If my partner attempts to continue the discussion I will leave the area until I feel comfortable returning.

I will allow my partner to sleep undisturbed unless there is a genuine emergency. If I want to discuss something or show them something or have sex I will wait until the next day when they are rested. I will not start serious discussions after 10pm as this will make it hard for me and my partner to sleep.

If my partner disturbs my sleep I will ask them to wait until tomorrow. If they ignore this request and continue to disturb my sleep I will sleep elsewhere so that I am able to get the rest I need to be healthy and happy.
 
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2019, 03:26:25 PM »

FF stated on the other thread:  "You don't decide to live with someone that tells you ahead of time..this is what I'm going to do if you do X..I will do Y."

This is simply emotional blackmail.  It's holding the other person hostage for fear of the consequences of not complying.  There are many strategies to learn on how to cope with emotional blackmail.  (Check books and online.)
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2019, 03:38:24 PM »

FF stated on the other thread:  "You don't decide to live with someone that tells you ahead of time..this is what I'm going to do if you do X..I will do Y."

This is simply emotional blackmail.  It's holding the other person hostage for fear of the consequences of not complying.  There are many strategies to learn on how to cope with emotional blackmail.  (Check books and online.)


OK so because my consequence only exists to protect me and not to punish her (even though she views it that way)it's a boundary.

Because her consequence to me doing that is simply punitive, removing all my stuff from the bedroom does not protect her, it only punishes me it's emotional blackmail?

Am I on the right lines here?

Any advice on how to deal with her squiffy perspective that my consequence is punishment? Just ignore it and hope common sense will appear at some point?
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2019, 04:02:48 PM »

I kind of like the idea of a non-targeted contract - "we have some things that hinder our ability to live together with a harmony I know we both want, so as a fresh start, can we draft some ground rules that apply to both of us equally."

It evens the playing field.  If both can agree that ground rules which apply evenly to everyone would be beneficial, it cuts out targeting either of you individually.  Each can contribute to the rules and they can be discussed.  The delicate part comes in the discussion of what to include because in that phase you are kinda targeting the other person's behavior and there's potential friction there (so, careful wording and walking applies).
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« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2019, 08:45:08 PM »


She has a boundary too.

You don't leave her...or she will destroy your stuff and make you clean up the mess she made.

The boundary held for her as well. 

Moving in with her will solidify that boundary even more.

So..you are right.  You get to sleep downstairs whenever you want.

She gets to destroy your stuff and make you clean up her mess that she made enforcing her boundary.

If that's the life you want in your new house.  Then move on in with her.

The pathway you are on is going to result in that continuing and likely getting worse.

You are not missing it...you are just looking at "your" boundary.

Hard stuff to look at..

Best,

FF
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« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2019, 08:48:02 PM »


Boundaries (done properly) are not about making the other person happy, understand or any of that.

They are 100% about protecting yourself and your values.

Efforts to do a boundary that will not be triggering for a pwBPD are unlikely to be successful.  As in the boundary won't work and the pwBPD will be triggered.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2019, 03:56:06 AM »

She has a boundary too.

You don't leave her...or she will destroy your stuff and make you clean up the mess she made.

She gets to destroy your stuff and make you clean up her mess that she made enforcing her boundary.

If that's the life you want in your new house.  Then move on in with her.


Thanks FF.

Just to clarify, she didn't destroy my stuff. She removed it all including my bedside drawers and put them in the spare bedroom in front of my wardrobe. She did throw some stuff on the floor but they were non-breakables like pills, dressing gown, hair bobbles. I got angry and moved the stuff back into the bedroom because I couldn't get into my wardrobe and needed to get ready for work. I was also really  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) that she'd moved my things, it felt like a violation.

I've tried to cover this scenario by putting the following on my draft list

Excerpt
I will allow my partner to sleep undisturbed unless there is a genuine emergency. If I want to discuss something or show them something or have sex I will wait until the next day when they are rested. I will not start serious discussions after 10pm as this will make it hard for me and my partner to sleep.   
If my partner disturbs my sleep I will ask them to wait until tomorrow. If they ignore this request and continue to disturb my sleep I will sleep elsewhere so that I am able to get the rest I need to be healthy and happy.

I will treat our possessions with respect and never intentionally cause them damage or harm. I will immediately inform my partner of harm that occurs accidentally and do everything in my power to repair or replace the damaged item.
Disrespecting my partner’s possessions demonstrates that I do not respect my partner.   If my partner intentionally or maliciously damages my belongings this is domestic violence and grounds for termination of the relationship.

uBPDgf  agrees not to throw G1bb0n’s possessions out if G1bb0n is trying to protect herself by exiting a situation she is uncomfortable with.
G1bb0n will not move in with uBPDgf if she does not agree to cease this behaviour as it means G1bb0n has no safe way to remove herself from situations she considers harmful


I'm well aware she's not going to be happy with the consequences of violating my boundaries as most of the time my consequence is to remove myself from a situation I consider harmful in some way. Hopefully, as long I keep questioning my motives to make sure they are about protecting me and not punishing her I can keep my boundaries healthy and not stray into emotional blackmail.

As predicted, my list is quite long; 2x sides of A4 on joint rules/boundaries and 1x on things I won't tolerate from her in a new home.

I won't put them all on but there's some I'm worried might be straying into manipulation or may be too harsh....

Excerpt

Drug use including heavy and habitual marijuana use is not something G1bb0n is comfortable with, especially when there is a possibility of children. It makes her feel unsafe and is not something she can live with   
If uBPDgf uses hard drugs or develops a heavy and habitual drinking or marijuana habit, G1bb0n will exit the relationship.

uBPDgf will seek help for her depression, anxiety, distress intolerance and unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance use. 
If uBPDgf is not trying to help herself in order to improve the relationship and the prospects of future children G1bb0n may decide that uBPDgf is not committed to working on the relationship

uBPDgf will attend couple’s counselling with G1bb0n in order to improve the relationship
If uBPDgf refuses to attend some kind of couple’s therapy, G1bb0n may decide that uBPDgf is not committed to working on the relationship

I will not make threats of breaking up or break-up the relationship to punish myself or my partner. If I am discussing breakup it is because I am serious about it and think it is the best and healthiest solution for myself or my partner   
Threats of break-up will be taken seriously. Any future break-ups will be permanent.

I will be faithful to my partner. I will not cheat on my partner or use others to make my partner jealous or manipulate their behaviour   
Acts of infidelity are grounds for termination of the relationship. If my partner is intentionally making me jealous I will raise this concern and give them an opportunity to reflect on their behaviour. If my partner repeatedly attempts to manipulate me by using other people this is grounds for termination of the relationship.

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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2019, 04:39:31 AM »

I appreciate your concerns about what she will and will not find acceptable or infer meaning to. However, I implore you to formulate and stick to your own rational and reasonable judgement as to what is and isn't reasonable given historical events and not be swayed by any emotional outburst.

I empathise with your sense of trepidation with regards to how marketable you will be if you and GF split. I haven't been on market since 1997, I wasn't much cop at it back then and got pounced on by my now W. Since then I've lost hair in places I wanted it, gained hair in places I didn't, gone grey and gained some lard.... I've no idea what awaits me. That said, I appreciate that things have changed a lot in the last 5 years let alone last 10 or 20 years with regards to the mating game. Whereas before I'd be looking at lonely hearts or an intro from someone in my ever depleting social network (and who's going to introduce someone who's been accused of emotional abuse to one of their bezzie mates), now I have 54 swipe left and right apps to choose from to get myself going. Heck.... there's even a programme now called 'the undatables'! I guess my point is, finding that someone special is easier than it was before and the network is much wider than the people we already know. I would also argue that having been in an abusive relationship (which you are), you may even be more attractive to a certain niche of society who've also been there, done that and got the scars and petrified of repeating the same mistake..... it's not so much bonding by a common historical trauma as apposed to knowing without question what is and isn't cool in a relationship.

I think... in fact I know.... you have to be absolutely serious about your potential to exit and feel contentment, even excitement about your potential happiness OUT of the relationship to maintain the reasonable boundaries you have set out above IN the relationship. GF will sense your FOG (mainly fear of you potential happiness elsewhere) and start shaking fence posts.

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« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 04:58:49 AM »

Good morning enabler!

I'm sorry you're feeling trepidation about the future too. I can definitely relate to having piled on the pounds and going grey, been eating my pain haven't I? 

I keep telling myself that it's just a fear of being alone, that, as you say, there are so many ways to meet people and having been in this relationship I've improved myself in many ways such as respecting mine and other's boundaries, knowing what is and isn't OK and improving my communication (though that area still needs a lot of work I think). Hopefully this will offset the grey and podge somewhat!

I agree totally that in order to fully be in control of myself in this relationship, I have to believe that I'd be OK without it. That I'm in it because I *want* to be and not because I think I *need* to be.

Hopefully I'm getting there. It's come up a few times with my partner when she says things like "you used to need me and now you don't anymore" as though that's a bad thing. I tend to say something along the lines of "if I don't need you then I must be here because I want to be, isn't that better?"
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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2019, 07:50:08 AM »

Thanks FF.

Just to clarify, she didn't destroy my stuff. She removed it all including my bedside drawers and put them in the spare bedroom in front of my wardrobe. She did throw some stuff on the floor but they were non-breakables like pills, dressing gown, hair bobbles. I got angry and moved the stuff back into the bedroom because I couldn't get into my wardrobe and needed to get ready for work. I was also really  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) that she'd moved my things, it felt like a violation.
 

So..if she had "broken" or "destroyed" stuff you would have?

Now that you have trained her that moving, tossing, violating your stuff is ok and that you will clean up after she does that....do you think she will be embolden to break it next time? 

If you have followed other stories on these boards you know that these things often keep escalating.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 08:11:18 AM »

So..if she had "broken" or "destroyed" stuff you would have?

Now that you have trained her that moving, tossing, violating your stuff is ok and that you will clean up after she does that....do you think she will be embolden to break it next time? 


I wouldn't break her stuff no, I wouldn't view that as a boundary or consequence that's acceptable. An eye for an eye is more her kind of thinking than mine.

If the behaviour isn't addressed then it may escalate, it may not. I didn't like it though and don't want it to continue. If you read my post above you'll see I've tried to address it in the contract I'm drafting for us both to sign agreement to. Is there more you think I should do? I'm at a loss...
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« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2019, 08:27:25 AM »

Hello guys, just a tip from the other side. There's no way I could compete with our youth oriented idea of "hotness"-a woman in her 20's or 30's in the dating scene. Fortunately I'm not in the dating scene right now.

You guys might not be perfect in the looks department but IMHO, society is tougher on women aging than they are men. We've all seen older, balding, pudgy guys with trophy women on their arm. Fine if you want that, but not everyone does and there are some happy couples between people who aren't perfect in the looks department.

From my perspective, the inside is more important than physical hotness. Yes, I would want someone to take care of themselves and their appearance, but I think some of us ladies would forgive some physical imperfections on you if you will forgive them on us.

To find someone you might want, it's said to "be the one you want". We might not want to be alone ,but alone is a good time to develop the kind of qualities you want in another person, to work on yourself and why you would be attracted ( and attract )a disordered person. What traits ( enabling, rescuing) led you to this and how can you develop better relationship skills?

Being afraid to be alone isn't a foundation for an emotionally healthy relationship. Better to not be afraid, and be OK on your own. Sure, it may not b what you want, but if you are OK on your own, you are likely to attract and be attracted to someone who is also OK with themselves.
 
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« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2019, 08:31:34 AM »

I wouldn't break her stuff no, I wouldn't view that as a boundary or consequence that's acceptable. An eye for an eye is more her kind of thinking than mine.

If the behaviour isn't addressed then it may escalate, it may not. I didn't like it though and don't want it to continue. If you read my post above you'll see I've tried to address it in the contract I'm drafting for us both to sign agreement to. Is there more you think I should do? I'm at a loss...

I'm not suggesting you break her stuff in retaliation. 

I'm curious what you  will do when she "moves your stuff" next time?

I'm curious what you will do when she "breaks your stuff" for the first time?

You are correct it is "possible" that she may never do any of this stuff again.  It is possible she may not "escalate" and "just" keep moving your stuff and making you clean it up.

It is possible that she may develop healthy relationship skills tomorrow and you will never feel the need to discuss any of this ever again.

All of that is possible.

Given what you have learned so far...take each of those and apply the "more likely than not" standard.

I'm curious what your answers will be with using that standard.

Good work on the relationship contract...putting it all down is important!!

Best,

FF
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« Reply #17 on: August 14, 2019, 08:46:02 AM »

I think if she moves my stuff again I'll just stay on the couch until it goes back. After all, she's signed (hopefully will do anyway) that she won't do it again.

If she breaks something of mine on purpose, as I've written in the contract above, I'll consider it an indirect act of violence against me and consider ending the relationship after bearing factors such as remorse, apologies and how premeditated it was and whether she's replaced what she broke.

I've given her the contract. She's looking over it and has shut herself in the bedroom with her laptop so I expect she's writing her own 'agreements'.
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« Reply #18 on: August 14, 2019, 09:06:54 AM »

I am having some difficulty understanding why you want a room mate who would disturb your sleep and get into your possessions.

She's an adult, and yet you have to have a sort of behavioral contract similar to that for a naughty child in school. Yet, in school, a teacher has authority. You can send the naughty child to the Headmaster.

There's another boundary here to consider: If you can not live with someone and respect their basic needs such as sleep and safety of their possessions, then other people won't want to share a living space with you.

Think about this. If you were in college and your dorm room mate did this - would you want to stay or would you be asking to be moved to a different room?

This isn't about leaving the relationship- people don't have to live together to be in a relationship. But your own space, with your own lock and key is one boundary ( your sleep, your possessions )for this issue.
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« Reply #19 on: August 14, 2019, 09:21:18 AM »

This isn't about leaving the relationship- people don't have to live together to be in a relationship. But your own space, with your own lock and key is one boundary ( your sleep, your possessions )for this issue.

Exactly!!! 

And if someone says...you must live with me (and allow me to xyz your stuff and abc your sleep) or else I will break up with you... and WE WILL NOT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP...

Well..I would say that seems manipulative.  How would others describe that?

Best,

FF

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« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2019, 09:34:08 AM »

I am having some difficulty understanding why you want a room mate who would disturb your sleep and get into your possessions.

There's another boundary here to consider: If you can not live with someone and respect their basic needs such as sleep and safety of their possessions, then other people won't want to share a living space with you.

This isn't about leaving the relationship- people don't have to live together to be in a relationship. But your own space, with your own lock and key is one boundary ( your sleep, your possessions )for this issue.

I think that for most of us on this forum it's hard for people to understand why we persist with trying to make our relationships work. It's hard for me to understand myself some days.

I don't want a room mate, I want a partner. I also don't want to be in a relationship with someone who I can't live in the same house with. Moving to different houses after living together for two years seems like a pretty retrograde step too. There has been much progress with sleep in the relationship and this has been achieved whilst living together and sharing a bed most nights but she has pushed against my boundary and I've messed up by retaliating in the wrong way.

I don't think most couples have to lock themselves and their possessions away from their partner. Surely the obvious and sensible step is to just get her to agree to not mess with my things again and to have some sort of consequence if she does? Perhaps if she decides to move all my stuff again, then I might move into the spare bedroom and put a lock on the door. It seems extreme but it's a possibility I suppose (though would certainly violate my tenancy agreement!).

She's always really taken issue with the idea of "my things" and "her things" in some areas. I've had to sit her down a few times and ask her not to put her stuff in my wardrobe and vice versa. She sometimes gets upset if I say things like "my bookcase" or "my bed" because in her mind as we're a couple, everything should be shared and joint-owned. She's generally OK with major items though; she doesn't snoop on my phone, she doesn't go through my paperwork or go through my computer and I don't catch her reading my personal notes or diary and I honestly don't think she would. In the past to be honest, I was the one with weak boundaries in this area and I twice snooped on her Facebook early in the relationship which was of course, totally outrageous of me.

Oh btw notwendy, I'm a gal not a guy! Not that it should make much difference but I hate people assuming I'm a guy because I'm in a RS with a woman.
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« Reply #21 on: August 14, 2019, 10:18:41 AM »

Sorry- I mistakenly assumed that with all the guys in this thread it was a guy/gal relationship. Thank you for clarifying this. Just so you know, I'm fine with this. I have seen through reading here, and also through some friends, that the dynamics in relationships and with BPD can be similar in same sex or hetero couples so any advice is pertinent.

Surely the obvious and sensible step is to just get her to agree to not mess with my things again and to have some sort of consequence if she does?

That's fine but be sure to act on the consequences. Surely, as an adult, she should have learned that this kind of behavior isn't compatible with a peaceful relationship. Hopefully she is capable of learning this.

My own bias is through being raised by a BPD mother who also destroyed possessions and interrupted sleep. When she was not upset, she understood not to do this, but when a person is emotionally dysregulated, their inhibitions aren't as they usually are. So your GF may agree when she's feeling OK and if she's upset, then she may not have that control.

I would suggest that you lock up anything valuable such as important papers,  items that can not be replaced and maybe even consider keeping them in a safe deposit box or with a trusted relative.

I think that for most of us on this forum it's hard for people to understand why we persist with trying to make our relationships work. It's hard for me to understand myself some days.

I agree. But if your GF is destructive when she's emotionally overwhelmed, this may just be who she is, so best to keep important things safe.
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« Reply #22 on: August 14, 2019, 10:21:07 AM »

she has pushed against my boundary and I've messed up by retaliating in the wrong way.
 

Stinkin...thinkin alert!!!!!!!   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Don't own any of this...

Don't buy into her "if she hadn't do x then I wouldn't have had to do Y with her stuff."  That's disordered thinking.

I get it that you want a partner...not a roommate.  Your list of wants and demands are yours to create.  Also your decision on what to do when she is no longer a partner and is a "stuff mover" or "sleep depriver".


Do you have a partner?  

Best,

FF
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« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2019, 10:33:15 AM »

Stinkin...thinkin alert!!!!!!!   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Don't own any of this...

Don't buy into her "if she hadn't do x then I wouldn't have had to do Y with her stuff."  That's disordered thinking.

Do you have a partner?  


Thanks FF, surely I need to own the fact that she chucked my stuff out and I made it easier for her to do it again by tidying up for her? That's what I mean by messing up and retaliating in the wrong way. Also, it was not cool to call her an a$$hole!

I don't have a full-time partner no. Sometimes she's there and she's wonderful but she's AWOL too much of the time and too much of the time I feel like she sees me as the enemy. This week as her stress with various life evens has increased, I've lost her to drink. She's been drunk about 6 nights out of 7 and that's made it really hard to even discuss anything with her.
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« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2019, 10:38:53 AM »

Excerpt
I would suggest that you lock up anything valuable such as important papers,  items that can not be replaced and maybe even consider keeping them in a safe deposit box or with a trusted relative.

Generally my stuff is kept locked away. It's more from a burglary POV than to hide it from my partner but yes, it serves a dual purpose. I'm pretty security conscious in general, partly due to my best friend being a Police Officer with lots of horror stories to share.

As an aside, on the topic of boundaries and enmeshment, I had a conversation about passwords with her a few weeks ago. I'd needed to access her email account for her as she needed something downloading and printing whilst I was at work and after I'd done it I told her and that she could change her password. She was shocked! Why wouldn't I know all her passwords? Why can't she know all mine?! We're a couple after all! My response was erm...nope...I'd rather we kept our passwords to ourselves!!
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« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2019, 10:58:11 AM »

  Also, it was not cool to call her an a$$hole!

 

Was it an inaccurate description?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #26 on: August 14, 2019, 11:07:19 AM »

Nah, dead on I'd say 

Still, I'm not proud that I resorted to hurling insults.
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« Reply #27 on: August 14, 2019, 12:18:57 PM »

Nah, dead on I'd say 

Still, I'm not proud that I resorted to hurling insults.

Listen...this is your official invitation to "come on down" (do you like price is right?)...really to "come back" to the world of nons.

I fully expect that if I had heard you say this...I would have wanted to coach you about tone, timing or that kind of thing.

Perhaps I might have advised a%%hole was not the best word to use.

We are here to train you (in part) to "stop walking on eggshells"....we are not here to train you to "walk lighter on the eggshells so you don't trigger your partner".

Big breath..think about it.

If you were being an a%%hole...wouldn't you want your partner to let you know. (i would)

That's what partners do for each other.

They also tend to let each other do things (like sleep) so they can be healthy (see..this is where you can be a good partner to me and say "FF...you are being a a%%hole.."  haven't we covered that???)

Why am I pushing this so hard?

We nons tend to own way too much and make too many excuses (put up with nonsense) for pwBPD.

When we stop putting up with nonsense...things get better.  Sometimes that can be communicated in colorful ways..

Best,

FF
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« Reply #28 on: August 14, 2019, 04:28:25 PM »

When I was first accused by my wife of being abusive (the most recent and serious accusation) I went to my friends and asked them if I was abusive..... and I expected them to tell me if they thought I was.

In late 2017 I wrote my friend an email advising him that I thought he was in danger of being called abusive, because he gave as good as he got and unbeknown to him he was balancing on a knife edge.

My point is, friends, partners, family are expected to give honest feedback........ else are they really friends? If they aren’t they’re weak sources of validation, the type my W seeks out.

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« Reply #29 on: August 15, 2019, 09:44:11 AM »

*mod This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338850.0
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