Need guidance

[Satanama]

Hi.  I am new to the site and looking for guidance on how to deal with my aging BPD mother.   She is getting to the age where she needs to accept some support, but she is pushing everyone away (then crying and raging about nobody being there for her).  She doesn't believe in therapy (and I am a therapist ), so she won't accept support.  It brings up so many feelings for me.

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome Satanama! 

My husband and I are in the same boat with his aging uBPD MIL. From what I've read it's pretty typical behavior to engage in self-destructive behavior, refuse help then get upset because help doesn't come through. What feelings is this bringing up for you?

Look around the site, there are several tools and other discussions that address aging pwBPD. Keep talking!

pj

[GaGrl]

My 93 year old mother lives with us, and she does not have BPD, and it's difficult even then. Mom has a few BPD traits that we have learned to handle with boundaries, but much of her issues come from feeling dependent and, as she puts it, "useless." 

How is your mom's relationship with her doctor? I have permission to discuss my mom's health needs, and I have gotten some good suggestions from her.

Also, is there an Elder Care Service in your area that you can engage to do a safety assessment.  That takes you out of pushing on some issues, if the assessment comes back recommending them.

Where are you having the most prpblems? Do you have a sense of what needs to improve first?

[madeline7]

JUst wanted to say welcome and there is a lot of great support and info on this board. My elderly uBPDm moved with enabler Dad in a time of crisis around 4 years ago to live closer to me and my siblings. My Dad passed away soon after and my worst nightmare was facing me head on. Over 3 years of silent treatment, raging, manipulation, you know the drill. And enabler Dad is gone and Mom expects one or all of us to step in and be her emotional caretaker. That's when I found a workshop for family member of BPD, a support group, a T and this board. The issue is that as an elderly widow, alot of her behaviors look like typical elder issues, and she continues to fool the healthcare professional who think she is just old and depressed. Which she is, but she has always demonstrated these behaviors, esp. with her family but not to the outside world. She refused a caregiver, counseling, private care manager, only wanted to play games with us as usual. I knew it would take another medical crisis, and then she had an episode of possible sundowning, and the independent community where she lived said they were not equipped to help. Since she continued to refuse outside help, she finally agreed to move to assisted living. Once there, she immediately had second thoughts, but sort of accepted her fate and is still there. Technically she could move but unable to make decisions easily and would need family help with the logistics of moving,. Her raging was extreme at first and now she is mostly depressed and stays in the apartment most days. It has been exhausting, but in a fit of rage, she told the staff not to discuss anything with me (she still has capacity), so I am technically off the hook. It has been liberating. Sad but freeing. I felt powerless while she was independent but now in assisted living they take care of most of her needs. I have also beaten myself up for not having the strength to set better boundaries while she was independent. But through the support here and in T, I realize I had been conditioned to care for the BPD since I was little, and I did the best I could. I am learning to give myself a pass, and most of all, learning to accept what is, and most importantly learning to take care of me. This is hard work, but worth it. Take care

[pursuingJoy]

The issue is that as an elderly widow, alot of her behaviors look like typical elder issues, and she continues to fool the healthcare professional who think she is just old and depressed.

This is a reality for us too. My also-widowed MIL was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but finds reasons not to take her medication. She also refuses therapy. My enmeshed husband feels constant guilt and heavy obligation (he is all she has left) which makes it very difficult for him to see anything other than normal aging. The challenge for him will be to try to get out from under the FOG to see more clearly. Anything less than meeting her every need makes him feel like less of a person because one of his intensely personal values is to NEVER allow anyone else to care for his mom. He carries a huge weight.

Hope to hear more from you Satanama!