From time to time I get requests of "my history" and it's been a while, so I'll post some.  Just hitting the high points, ask away if something is unclear.

Married for 15 years.  Yes we had conflict but it would be solved and stay solved.  Looking back and I can "see some hints".  I was also travelling quite a bit with military so if I was ticking her off,  she just had to wait a bit and I'd be gone.  If she missed me...wait a bit and I'd be back.  Kinda kept the honeymoon thing going.

We moved to a rural farmstead at 12ish years and loved it.  We planned to retire there (from Navy) or retire to another farm.  3 years into that move there was a major natural disaster.  Flood.  We didn't "live" on the farm for about 6 months. 

Luckily some church members had a massive house and we were able to move in with them.

Somewhere in here "paranoia" showed up.  I would assure/prove to my wife she had nothing to be worried about.  The worry would come back bigger.  I would prove... (wash rinse repeat for couple years)

Eventually she believed I was married to another woman (sort of secretly..but she discovered it) and that with a separate woman I had a love child, named the child my wife's first name so I could sneak the child on tricare insurance (military) and had it not been for a chance encounter at McDonalds where my wife "met" the child and mother (militant breastfeeder exposed herself to all..then called her child's name (same as my wife)...so my wife started talking to her.  I knew I was effed)

During this time we were doing pastoral counseling.  Initially it focused on openness and disproving her theories (things got worse). 

A wise pastor realized it was something else and created a "rule".  She could ask me anything once.  I would be completely open..once.  After that she was to "give it over to God" and I would never again respond to her questions about that issue.  We later added "similar issue" because she would try to add "nuance" to get around the rule.

Things got better...calmer.  I erroneously believed she/we were "fixed".

Now we are at 3-4 years past flood. 

A program was issued to buy back flood properties (we had minor flooding every year since the big one...except we "won" those flood fights) and an opportunity came up for me to move an be a "county manager" (public position).

So the farm was sold to the state and we moved.  Again..I think we are fixed.

6 months or so into the move paranoia shows back up.  I was despondent and also very busy with my job.  Poured myself into my work and we started counseling through the VA/vet centers.  During one of those sessions my wife danced around the room, yelled at the T and me said she would never come back and ran way.  (literally ran down the hall)

I stayed in the room.  The T mentioned BPD and told me to read SWOE. 

A really bad 6 month period.  I reported my wife to CPS and we did a therapuetic separation. 

Things got dramatically better because we each worked on some of our own stuff and our stuff and "family stuff".

A year or so later that job comes to an end  and we decide to move back to her home area.  I again thought we were "fixed". 

Being around her FOO and other stresses triggered stuff.  She flew off handle again.  I quickly started seeing a PhD level psychologist who saw us both for a while together and individually.  This P understands my wife and is able to coach me on the relationship.  We also did "biblical counseling" that made things worse. 

We are 3ish years into that move and 1ish years of me exerting lots more power (unapologeticly) at the direction of the P.  My wife will freak out...then get over it and the relationship calms.

I use my knowledge of push pull in a way that almost feels manipulative to me...yet I try to be pragmatic.  A calmer house is better. 

I "care" about much fewer things, yet what I do care about "act on" I will "go to the mat over".  My wife understands my boundaries won't move.  Most on here will likely agree I'm now "too rigid" if anything.

Yet...I'm pragmatic.  Rigidity = calm.  OK.

For instance:  My wife was going to hold a religious trial/shaming thing for D13.  I was brought in as an audience member/witness.  (I had no idea this was coming)  It took me 2-3 minutes to understand what the eff was going on.  I stood up and stood in front of D13 (physically shielded her)...sent the rest of the family to their rooms, announced I would not be part of public shaming of anyone in the house.

Wife freaked for couple days.  I doubt she would ever try that again. 

So...when stuff is over I move past it and keep looking to the future.  When my wife grouses about rigidity I offer to solve it...we should first understand how this came to be.  She wants no part of looking at history..so she drops it and gets happy again in day or two.

I enjoy my time with my wife...when she freaks I enjoy doing other things.

Quite a journey.

Questions?  Ask away.

Best,

FF

 
So..we were together before marriage for 3 years. 

This included time together in college and time apart while she was in college and I was doing Navy stuff and then in flight school.  I wanted really bad to marry her and whisk her away to Navy life, but I knew she would have a hard time finishing school.

I also knew that if we couldn't deal with a couple years of in and out visits that we had no business being married and in the Navy...

So...we got married, the next day she walked across the stage to get her degree and then a couple days later we were back in Pensacola.  We had other marriage plans that got squashed due to changing carrier schedules.

Once she graduated there was no reason to be apart...and we weren't going to live together, so we altered plans (conformed to Navy) and got married.

I'm an only.  She has a twin brother and older sister.

Navy timeline.  I met her while a midshipman, still in college.  (ROTC).  Then stuck around campus for a few months, then San Diego for several months (flew her out a few times), then I went to Pcola, flight school changed so I went no cost TAD back to campus and we were together for several months.  Then back to Pcola to start flight school.

Pcola, then whiting field, then corpus christi, then back to pensacola where I was winged.  Yes..a pilot winged in Pensacola (they don't do that anymore now).  In fact I'm good friends with the last pilot winged in Pensacola (not many classes after mine)

We got married shortly before I went to the "boat" for the first time...that schedule changed a bunch.

So..we get married and back to Pcola.  There for a while then I was in Key West (Boca Chica) to do workups for boat and actually fly out for first time.  Soft wings in Key West.  Hard wings (real winging) later in Pcola. 

Then to Norfolk to learn to fly the mighty E2.

Best,

FF
 

Ff,
Can you please give more details about calling CAS on your wife? What had preceded the incident? How did your separation came about? Did you live together at that time? Who had the primary custody? How and why did you decide to work it out?

I'll get back to more details on this later today.

Since she has similar traits to the other women in her family (just not as bad)...I doubt it was just ptsd from the flood.

However...that was a MASSIVE part of it. 

The other big part of it was instead of being empathetic..I was invalidating for several years.  Many other people were also invalidating because the biblical counseling did focus on "truth".

Look at this another way.  My service connected PTSD "came into full bloom" after the flood.    So..she was different and  I was very different.  Both pushing each other in the wrong direction..."making" each other worse when we thought we were helping.

I say this to emphasize in my story and in most stories the "dynamic" in the relationship is really important to understand and change.

More later.

Best,

FF

I assume I would have seen more, but there really isn't a way to know.

Best,

FF

Exactly!  

The difference in before and after the flood is remarkable.  Two completely different people.  

As a general statement none of the women in my wife's family have met a man that is worth a hoot.  They have many legitimate gripes...and those blossomed into "all men are..xyz".

So..generally speaking, the men in their lives try to behave so as not to get their azz chewed (polite version).

My wife's Mom "knows" the fix is in on all that stuff on the news.  She will always wonder "what's really going on".

My SIL is very vindictive and out for conflict...creates situations so nothing is ever her fault.  Can't really say I've seen "paranoia" in her.

There are a bunch of aunts this way as well.

Odd thing is...men don't stick around in their lives very long.  Hmm...what's the common theme?

I've literally heard them talking/complaining about men and "comparing notes" about "how much I showed him when he misbehaved"...each of them upping the other.

My wife's mom is one of 6 kids.  Dad was a drunk and town philanderer.  Most likely he was not legally married to the Mom.

The family split in 2 parts over care of the mom (my wife's grandmother).  When she died only 3 siblings (my MIL included) came to the funeral and burial.  The other three wanted to control (final say) in their mom's care, bu would not lift a finger to help.  (they wanted to control their brothers and sisters)

Several months before the grandmother's death my MIL and one of her sisters( on the other side)...had a pushing/fist fight at the grandmothers bedside in a nursing home.

I would be shocked if the sibling ever speak to each other again in their lives. 

There is a "pre-condition" of having to say you were wrong..which non of them will do.

I'm voluntarily estranged from the entire group.    My life is so much better..calmer.


Ugg..

Best,

FF

There is another "perfect storm" that affected me, my wife and relationship.

The flood happened and we moved back into our home 2 years prior to my retirement.

For most guys like me...we say it's not big deal...but it's massive.  The "structure" is gone.

I was even a bit more unique in that I flew with the same squadron for 10 years straight.  Only really possible on the reserve side of things.  So even when my official posting was in command of a shore facility, I could still slip off and fly 100-150 hours per year.  I was around the guys...that was my "normal"..my "touchstone".

So...2 years into things steadily getting worse I retire...and things really go haywire.  I upped my real estate and farming work..but my wife was deep in paranoia.

She once drove an hour a "caught" me installing a toilet in a house I just moved a tenant into.  I literally had my arm down a drain when she walked in.  

She is convinced that my reaction was because I was about to go "you know what" with the new tenant.  Never mind that even experienced plumbers have a look on their face when they have (insert black icky stuff) on their arms because their arm is down a nasty pipe.  

Sigh...

I was in denial at the time about the importance of structure and the impact of loss of structure.

Did I answer your question?  I got to rambling there

Best,


FF

I was 10 years active (think guy on aircraft carrier) and 10 years active duty reservist. (TAR) "traning and administration of reserves" also sometimes called  (FTS) Full Time Support.

I really had no idea what I was getting into going into the reserves.  I knew bunch of guys at the squadron and they were pressing for me to come...so I applied and the rest is history.

I've obviously only had one marriage, yet military (especially squadron guys) talk.  So I had a pretty good idea of everyone's home life.  

I had it really good.  Sure there would be conflict...but it would get solved and stay solved.  

I genuinely enjoyed doing stuff with her and family...things seemed easy and natural.  

So I can't say I "never" felt like I was escaping conflict...but it was rare.  

You hear the craziest things the way's marriages get set up.  One guy at the squadron was put on a sex schedule.  He wasn't allowed to ask or in any way bother his wife for sex except one night a week.  It was something weird like Thursday evening from 730 to 830...   So...we made sure never to schedule him then (she didn't offer rainchecks).  Apparently she rocked his world for an hour...anything goes...ANYTHING...then he would have to wait for another week.

In comparison things were happening all the time at FF house.

Anyway...again I can see "hints" but she was in stark contrast to her family for a long...long time.  Then...poof!

Best,

FF