Lost800
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged and de facto
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: August 17, 2019, 08:08:22 PM » |
|
I don't even know how to put this all into words. I've been reading others posts, And reading Stop walking on eggshells and I just keep crying because the reality of what I feel I need to now do for me is a scary one. So I keep pushing through and trying to just enforce boundaries, and try to keep this all going... knowing my heart is less and less in it.
My partner and I were together for a ten month period, then apart for another ten months before this last 15 months.
The first relationship was petrifying and I had no knowledge on how to handle it. So I abruptly left. The time apart I was depressed, heartbroken, devastated. I think the no closure was the biggest thing for both of us. We had no contact in the time apart and I fell into feeling completely broken. I was heartbroken because I still had such a strong emotional attachment to him.
Someone brought us together (with unhealthy intentions) and we wound up giving it another go. I lost my relationship with half of my family over this decision, which really was a huge learning curve... (I have been dealing with manipulation and controlling behaviours from my parent my whole life and being away from them has given me the realisation of how little control I had within my own life).
I have fought so hard to keep it going this time. My partner has kids who I don't want to hurt again. His ex told me I would never see them again if I left him. He told me about his suicide attempts while we were apart and how much he needed me...
The person who brought us together was fuelling issues between us and we eventually decided to cut her out (she had a romantic past with him while we were apart - and this all seems crazy writing it down now, but I honestly thought she had good intentions being a well known spiritual and personal development person in the area). She told BPD of all of the things I confided in her, thinking it was safe. All of the decisions I chose to make while apart that did not serve me (with other people, drugs etc). He spent MONTHS telling me how awful I was for being with other people and doing all of these things while we were apart... even though he had sexual partners in that time too.
Then I discovered he almost cheated on me. He used to be a serial cheater (never physically while with me but via text and picture exchange) but he had told me I was different and that he loves me like no other and consciously chooses not to be that person. When I found out about the messages and pictures he had sent this time I was done. It was over for me... but after begging, suicidal threats and guilt trips over how he can't live without me, I couldn't end it.
Since then I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlwind. I start asserting my needs and it creates massive fights... Then suddenly I realise I'm just giving in again to keep the peace and putting my needs aside for his needs.
About 6 weeks ago, I was leaving again because after many requests to stop avoiding and distracting with drugs and actually start seeking help he said he wouldn't do it. He was suicidal again and I called a helpline... they gave me a number to give him but he wouldn't call. I said I was concerned for his safety and that I was going to call an ambulance and he threatened that he wouldn't leave this house without causing serious damage to whatever authorities came.
We had no kids this night so I left. This is months of being told how horrible I was, and starting to believe it. My self worth was in a bad place and I knew it was due to continuously falling into this pattern and allowing his needs to be more important than my own.
After realising I was actually leaving, He called the lifeline. He ended up booking doctors appointments, and he is on strong medication. He has researched therapists but has not started any sessions.
I've since started a job, which is doing so much for my self worth. After being a stay at home mum for 7 years this job has given me a sense of fulfilment and I feel worthy, for the first time in a while.
Hes been unemployed after a few jobs falling apart and so he has been at home. So my new job was also the hope that I could handle things better having this regular break from the constant idealisation/clinginess to complete hatred and name calling/blaming.
A week ago I got sick. It was bound to happen adjusting to work life and still having the 7 kids between us, trying to hold on to this relationship despite my body shaking whenever I had to be at home and being in complete fight flight around him..
Since then we have been fighting every single day. He is angry with me for not giving him sexual gratification and not being affectionate enough. I have tried to explain that I can't put aside the hurt I feel when he calls me horrid names and says manipulative things, and just be completely open and receptive to connecting with him sexually. I am stating I don't feel my needs are being met (breathing room, space, respect) and no longer want to put us both through forcing myself to be sexual with him because that makes him angrier knowing I can't connect and pulls me deeper into feeling unworthy of having my needs met. Most nights this week have resulted in being threatened and abused until 4am resulting in having to work after next to no sleep - I will not let my job go for his needs and so have still been going but am exhausted. Im at the point where I hope he follows through with the threats of pulling me off "his" bed if I dont get off it myself, or getting my engagement ring off my finger however he needs to if I don't remove it myself, because at least then I could call the police and have him taken away... I hate that I feel this way but its reached that point.
I don't want to hurt him. He has been using everything on me that has worked in the past - suicide, How much I'm going to destroy the kids, using what his ex said about the kids against me... basically anything that has triggered me to stay until this point.
But I don't know what to do now. He lives with me, and has just gotten a job so is travelling for training this coming week. I have been counting down the days because I haven't had a day without him around in months (I moved him in because I was hopeful and because I never got the space anyway because he never went home - if I asked for space it was the usual if I have to go I am gone for good - I never wanted him to go for good so would always give in because it was just too difficult to have my needs met). But him being away for a week is triggering him a lot, And I don't have it in me to give him the amount of affection and love he needs right now... especially when it's never filling and he has none for himself, And that right now I wouldn't be respecting myself continuing to give him that where I am emotionally.
I guess after that complete release I know what I need to do for me, and he does too. But I am so scared of how difficult this will be... I feel like staying will just mean I keep begging for my boundaries to be respected to no avail, and then when I enforce them I'm met with consistent fighting until I give in... Or I go and have to deal with what will occur after that...
I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt his kids... But I have three kids of my own seeing this all happening and watching their mother shut down and I can not work out what to do. Either way I am the evil person, especially since he is seeking the help now and I said I'd support him through it. I just don't feel like I have any more of myself to give away without losing myself completely.
|
