I need help understanding our relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is my first post here and I really need some help.

I am now 26 years old (lesbian). I met my ex on a dating site 4 years ago. We started chatting and pretty soon it was obvious we are compatible with one another. She lived in another city (2 hour drive). We talked for 4 months and planned to meet but she tried to avoid it even though she had strong feelings towards me. She put on a lot of weight in that period and was ashamed of herself. Then one day I sent her a message that I was coming and she could come and meet me.
She did and we spent an amazing day together. That's how our relationship started. It was hard because both our families didn't know about it but we managed to see each other once a month, sometimes for couple of days.
There were disagreements because she built walls around her and never allowed anyone to cross them - except me. She trusted me and loved me deeply. I was scared I would lose her so I was jealous from time to time. She understood it was because of my fear and helped me with it. We broke up after 6 months because she had problems at home: her parents were planning to get divorced and her grandma was mean towards her. In situations like that, she couldn't handle the emotions so she went silent with me. Sometimes for a day, sometimes longer. But she continued chatting on forum we were both on. I was hurt because I wanted to help her but she pushed me away. It happened lots of times.
So one day I decided we should breakup and keep contact until she stabilises herself.
She cut contact, started dating someone else and ignored me. That lasted for 5 months. I knew when they broke up becauss that girl puts everything on her social media.
Then my ex sends me a message and apologizes because of her behavior... We start taking again and end up together once again.
Our relationship was all in cycles - few weeks it's perfect, then comes a time when she's - - - ed up, can't process feelings and cuts me off completely.
We broke up again on same terms and she starts chatting with some girl (in a different city than hers) , but not for long. That girl really fell for her, but my ex clearly used her to get her mind off of me (she told me that later). She cut that girl off, started ignoring her of course and never went back (they haven't met).

So we are together... AGAIN. We spent amazing time together last year, we were alone at her house. It was perfect. She told me I am her everything and is so scared of losing me. I knew she loved me, she never cheated, was very nice when she was mentally stable. She used to tell she blocks her emotions when they are too much for her and then stops talking to her friends until she is okay again.
At the end of the summer, I broke up with her. We planned to move to a city together, start working and living there. We got in a fight (like we did hundred times before) and I broke up. It was usually her breaking up with me because she couldn't handle me of herself at that time.
She begged me, but I refused. She then got really mad at me (she was hurt). After a month she didn't want to talk, she said she stopped loving me and I should move on. She then blocks me everywhere (like she used to do before).

Another 2 months pass by and I get a text "Merry Christmas". We talked some but then she blocks me again. That was the last time I heard of her.

She moved to a city we planned and was seen with another girl kissing. She is still with her as far as I now. It's been 4 months now.
I sent her a message that I know about her new relationship and wish her well but she ignores me. When I asked her did she love me (after our breakups), she never said she stopped, just once when she was mad because I broke up.
She's been ignoring me for 7 months now.

Yesterday I sent her a message, didn't attack her or anything, just asked her to tell me she doesn't love me anymore so I can move on. She sees the message and then blocks me once again.

I remember one time when we broke up, she told me she didn't love, and then 2 months later, denied it and said I made her say that.

What I want now is some help in understanding all this mess. I wish someone with BPD could elaborate her behaviour.
I know she loves me and I believe she ran away to a different city and started a new relationship because she can't handle us not succeeding. I am still stuck in the same place, 400kms far from her. We can't possibly be in a relationship.
I hope she will contact me in the future.
I didn't say anything about myself - I treated her well, tried so hard to understand and be there for her.

[Maddow]

This is my first post here and I really need some help.

I am now 26 years old (lesbian). I met my ex on a dating site 4 years ago. We started chatting and pretty soon it was obvious we are compatible with one another. She lived in another city (2 hour drive). We talked for 4 months and planned to meet but she tried to avoid it even though she had strong feelings towards me. She put on a lot of weight in that period and was ashamed of herself. Then one day I sent her a message that I was coming and she could come and meet me.
She did and we spent an amazing day together. That's how our relationship started. It was hard because both our families didn't know about it but we managed to see each other once a month, sometimes for couple of days.
There were disagreements because she built walls around her and never allowed anyone to cross them - except me. She trusted me and loved me deeply. I was scared I would lose her so I was jealous from time to time. She understood it was because of my fear and helped me with it. We broke up after 6 months because she had problems at home: her parents were planning to get divorced and her grandma was mean towards her. In situations like that, she couldn't handle the emotions so she went silent with me. Sometimes for a day, sometimes longer. But she continued chatting on forum we were both on. I was hurt because I wanted to help her but she pushed me away. It happened lots of times.
So one day I decided we should breakup and keep contact until she stabilises herself.
She cut contact, started dating someone else and ignored me. That lasted for 5 months. I knew when they broke up becauss that girl puts everything on her social media.
Then my ex sends me a message and apologizes because of her behavior... We start taking again and end up together once again.
Our relationship was all in cycles - few weeks it's perfect, then comes a time when she's - - - ed up, can't process feelings and cuts me off completely.
We broke up again on same terms and she starts chatting with some girl (in a different city than hers) , but not for long. That girl really fell for her, but my ex clearly used her to get her mind off of me (she told me that later). She cut that girl off, started ignoring her of course and never went back (they haven't met).

So we are together... AGAIN. We spent amazing time together last year, we were alone at her house. It was perfect. She told me I am her everything and is so scared of losing me. I knew she loved me, she never cheated, was very nice when she was mentally stable. She used to tell she blocks her emotions when they are too much for her and then stops talking to her friends until she is okay again.
At the end of the summer, I broke up with her. We planned to move to a city together, start working and living there. We got in a fight (like we did hundred times before) and I broke up. It was usually her breaking up with me because she couldn't handle me of herself at that time.
She begged me, but I refused. She then got really mad at me (she was hurt). After a month she didn't want to talk, she said she stopped loving me and I should move on. She then blocks me everywhere (like she used to do before).

Another 2 months pass by and I get a text "Merry Christmas". We talked some but then she blocks me again. That was the last time I heard of her.

She moved to a city we planned and was seen with another girl kissing. She is still with her as far as I now. It's been 4 months now.
I sent her a message that I know about her new relationship and wish her well but she ignores me. When I asked her did she love me (after our breakups), she never said she stopped, just once when she was mad because I broke up.
She's been ignoring me for 7 months now.

Yesterday I sent her a message, didn't attack her or anything, just asked her to tell me she doesn't love me anymore so I can move on. She sees the message and then blocks me once again.

I remember one time when we broke up, she told me she didn't love, and then 2 months later, denied it and said I made her say that.

What I want now is some help in understanding all this mess. I wish someone with BPD could elaborate her behaviour.
I know she loves me and I believe she ran away to a different city and started a new relationship because she can't handle us not succeeding. I am still stuck in the same place, 400kms far from her. We can't possibly be in a relationship.
I hope she will contact me in the future.
I didn't say anything about myself - I treated her well, tried so hard to understand and be there for her.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Maddow, Welcome!  Would it be fair to say that you would entertain a recycle if the opportunity presented itself?  Plenty of us, including me, have recycled.  If so, what makes you think things would play out differently?  It seems like your r/s was a series of break-up/make-up cycles.  Why do you suspect that your Ex suffers from BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[zbi_mazurek_anon]

Welcome Maddow. We're here to support you. LuckyJim asks some good questions.

------------------------
"She's heartless - she's empty - she's hollow" from the song Filthy by group Elysia

[Maddow]

Hey Maddow, Welcome!  Would it be fair to say that you would entertain a recycle if the opportunity presented itself?  Plenty of us, including me, have recycled.  If so, what makes you think things would play out differently?  It seems like your r/s was a series of break-up/make-up cycles.  Why do you suspect that your Ex suffers from BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Thank you for your reply.
Yes, I, would accept a recycle even if we split again. It would be different if we were in the same city and tried again.
Maybe it would play out the same, maybe it would be worse. I don't know.
I really love her and would try talk it over with her. We actually never talked about her BPD because she refuses any idea of having a psychiatric diagnosis.
I am a doctor myself, not trained in psychiatry but have a lot of knowledge of it. I went to study medicine because of psychiatry but ended doing something else.
She told me she started with psychotherapy (when we talked around Christmas), but never gave me any detail.

[Lucky Jim]

Maybe it would play out the same, maybe it would be worse. I don't know.

Right, Maddow, it would likely play out the same way.  Most of us who have recycled, and that includes me, end up in the same place farther down the road, except with more pain, which is why I don't recommend it.   Employing the Tools (see above), one can learn to work around BPD, at least for a while, but the issues don't go away.  It's a roller coaster ride, as you are finding out.

It's unsurprising that she broke off therapy, because those w/BPD are quite reluctant to take responsibility for their actions and will often deny that anything is wrong.

At this point, what would you like to see happen?

LJ

[once removed]

hi Maddow, and

it sounds like you had a wild ride. youre here among people that get it.

She's been ignoring me for 7 months now.

Yesterday I sent her a message, didn't attack her or anything, just asked her to tell me she doesn't love me anymore so I can move on.

this is really only guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself. at this point, healing from this relationship isnt something that she can or is prepared to help you with. that was really hard for me to accept, my ex did a lot of damage.

how are you holding up?

[gizmocasci]

Hi maddow,

I'm 5 days into no contact with someone I'm still trying to make sense of things with and the relationship was only 7 months, give or take. My therpist and I have gone over things, and we believe she has these fragmented parts of herself due to past trauma in her life. I've seen two sides of this person. A warm, loving, caring, nurturing person who fit a lot of what I was looking for. I've also seen a cold, vicious, lashing out, vindictive person. I walked away knowing I did the best I could for her. I keep reminding myself that I can't fix her, nor can I save her. She's in charge of that. I feel for some of you who have been in long term realtionships. This was very short, but the feelings were still immense upon the ending of it. I went through cycles as well, but each time it ended in similar fashion. I had to remove myself for not only my mental health, but hers as well. In a way we are enabling their behavior. I hope you find some comfort in these words. Keep your head up. It will get better.

[Maddow]

Hi maddow,

I'm 5 days into no contact with someone I'm still trying to make sense of things with and the relationship was only 7 months, give or take. My therpist and I have gone over things, and we believe she has these fragmented parts of herself due to past trauma in her life. I've seen two sides of this person. A warm, loving, caring, nurturing person who fit a lot of what I was looking for. I've also seen a cold, vicious, lashing out, vindictive person. I walked away knowing I did the best I could for her. I keep reminding myself that I can't fix her, nor can I save her. She's in charge of that. I feel for some of you who have been in long term realtionships. This was very short, but the feelings were still immense upon the ending of it. I went through cycles as well, but each time it ended in similar fashion. I had to remove myself for not only my mental health, but hers as well. In a way we are enabling their behavior. I hope you find some comfort in these words. Keep your head up. It will get better.

It seems we went through similar experience.
I too went NC, it's 6 days now and I started feeling better as soon as I decided to go NC. She blocked me everywhere and even though I don't do that, I did it now so I can move on completely in case she tries to contact me.
I know I will be better in time. We can continue loving them, but need to distance ourselves because their damage spils on us too. My ex rejected the idea she has a psychiatric diagnosis, so no one can help her until she decides to help her first (by going to a psychiatrist).
I wish you well and that you come out of this stronger than ever.