Living with (ex?) BPD partner, trauma continues

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I am in what appears to be the end stages of a two-year relationship with a partner w/ BPD. We inhabit a small space though he assiduously avoids talking to me, acknowledging me, etc. From what I hear from friends he is moving on with his life. I suppose this is good, considering: In the past, he has threatened to kill me (my MOSAIC threat assessment score is a 7 FYI), kill my cat, act violently in close proximity, degrade me verbally in every possible way, and other behavior that I know is hardly news to those on this thread.

I am in a state of grief and trauma. I am moving forward and still doing what I need to do at work, trying to stay healthy, etc. I have stopped drinking which was a huge problem in our relationship (I do try to own up to my own faults).

Living in the same space is unbearable. Frankly I still love him. I miss the good times more than I can explain. But if he is moving on with his life, I don't feel like I can live w/ him, even if things are amicable but silent.

For those who have survived such a relationship and moved on, I'm wondering what experiences you may have had during this purgatory period where the person is still here, but not. I have never faced something this difficult and I don't always see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Thanks in advance for reading this.

[onthewater79]

Hello everyone,

I am in what appears to be the end stages of a two-year relationship with a partner w/ BPD. We inhabit a small space though he assiduously avoids talking to me, acknowledging me, etc. From what I hear from friends he is moving on with his life. I suppose this is good, considering: In the past, he has threatened to kill me (my MOSAIC threat assessment score is a 7 FYI), kill my cat, act violently in close proximity, degrade me verbally in every possible way, and other behavior that I know is hardly news to those on this thread.

I am in a state of grief and trauma. I am moving forward and still doing what I need to do at work, trying to stay healthy, etc. I have stopped drinking which was a huge problem in our relationship (I do try to own up to my own faults).

Living in the same space is unbearable. Frankly I still love him. I miss the good times more than I can explain. But if he is moving on with his life, I don't feel like I can live w/ him, even if things are amicable but silent.

For those who have survived such a relationship and moved on, I'm wondering what experiences you may have had during this purgatory period where the person is still here, but not. I have never faced something this difficult and I don't always see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Thanks in advance for reading this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey onthewater, The first priority is your safety.  Do you have any support system in case of violence or abuse?  Do you have friends or family nearby?  Perhaps there are local resources to help in the event of domestic violence?  I suggest doing what you need to do to protect yourself.  Maybe you could move out temporarily and live with a friend or family member?  Keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[onthewater79]

Thanks for your response. I do have a safety plan, and support to a varying degree (family lives far away). I do not feel in imminent danger at the moment -- while I am not clear-headed about a lot of things, I feel fairly confident in that regard. If the present facts say otherwise, I am open to alternative interpretation however -- I don't want to get beaten up; I just don't think that's where this is headed and there is no history of direct physical violence here.

Moving out may be a necessary step. Evaluating options. Again, many thanks.

[Lucky Jim]

Rather than wait for him to "move on with his life," I suggest you decide what is best for you and then carry it out.  Moving out sounds like a good option.  Needless to say, you can't go on like this.  Yes, it's hard to make a change, but sometimes one has to cut one's losses.

LJ

[Latrodge]

This sounds a bit dangerous to me.  Things can go from non violent to violent pretty quickly, especially if there is already tension in the air and you both know it's over.  You should probably move out...

[onthewater79]

Thank you for your frank assessment here. I may be woefully and dangerously naive in this regard. In my mind, if he makes physical threats, I would leave before it escalated. I'm worried that I may not get a warning. He is dysregulated, talks about me in a room of other people instead of to me, and bangs his fist saying "kill kill kill" more often than I care to admit. I feel like I need to consider 5150 here but I haven't the slightest idea of how that works.

[iluminati]

Why can't you move out?  Is it a lease situation?  Are you trying to sell the residence?  Is it a problem with cash flow?  Also, considering your situation, I would seriously consider moving into a domestic violence shelter short-term until you get on your feet.  Your safety is important.