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Author Topic: Update on son’s first 3 months independent living  (Read 297 times)
Lollypop
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« on: August 27, 2019, 01:29:58 AM »

Hi

Son28 moved into his own place 3 months ago. For those that don’t know my story one of my sons problems was financial management. He’s been financially stable for about 4 years.

I’ve been holding my breath and watching him deal with his new independent life. He immediately put himself on tinder and started a string of encounters. He then got tired, can you hear my sarcasm?

Generally speaking, from the outside he appears to be eating ok and managing work and bills. Hope reared it’s little sweet face to me. Son has looked great, tidy and clean clothes. We’ve had some good visits. He’s shared himself but hasn’t overshared his sexual exploits. It’s felt a big relief as there’s be no crises.

My and Hubble went away Thursday. Younger son was away with his friends. This left son28 on his own. I could predict the phone call on our first day away.

The previous evening he’d been out with one of his oldest friends. This friend told him straight: “you’re self-destructing”. Now, this was news to me. It turns out that son has been doing “a load of drugs”. I tried to dig a little deeper to find out what he’s been doing but he avoided directly answering. I’m guessing cocaine and stuff, I’m obviously hoping it’s not heroin. This is on top of his cbd oil that he turned to because he wanted to reduce his skunk intake which obviously hasn’t happened.

Livedandlearned used the phrase “like he could not contain himself” to Faith’s post about her son being arrested. This is exactly it. Like a toddler let loose, my son just can’t contain himself.

Son28 is now back seeing the older woman. Perhaps she may bring a new stability; a place where there’s less drugs. Who knows. Son called me with the purpose of affirming himself and his decision to bring back some control in his life. It’s like he has to tell me “I’ve been bad mum, but I’m sorting it”. Yeah right. Just like last time. And the time before that. And the one before that. It’s so tiresome. It’s almost like I’m deadened to it because this is his cycle. Not mine because I refuse to join in with it.

I’m sorry this is longer than I planned.

I’m feeling anxious and sad.

It was always going to be about the drugs in the end.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do. The important point is that there’s absolutely nothing that I want to do.

I leave him to it. It’s all so predictable.

Son18 leaves home in 4 weeks for Uni. That’s where my focus will be.

Does anybody else just get so fxxxing tired of it all?

LP
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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2019, 02:17:08 AM »

Oh LP I can hear your frustration in this post. As if the roller coaster wasn't enough now there is the merry go round. As you know my son also has a major drug problem. Maybe jail and/or probation will cure it and maybe not. All we can do is keep taking care of ourselves and hope for the best. Don't give up. It still might get better.
 
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Swimmy55
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« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2019, 11:52:58 AM »

I hear you, Lollypop and am sorry about your DS.   It is particularly devastating when you realize DS is in the throes of hard drugs.  I am still trying to come to terms about  that regarding my son. However, I admire your strength about letting him go.  Well, your younger son is off to college, great!   
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2019, 09:04:49 AM »

I’m feeling anxious and sad.

It was always going to be about the drugs in the end.

How are you feeling today, LP?

I go through these periods where I feel hurt by my own feelings and expectations, if that makes sense. Then mad. I remember hearing Brene Brown once say that joy is the most vulnerable and therefore scary feeling because it can be taken away in an instant. I wonder if it's the same with hope.

There’s absolutely nothing I can do.

I gently disagree, LP.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I think it takes a lot of strength to hold ourselves steady and it's ok to get tired and feel fed up and angry, and probably necessary. It's takes a lot of strength to say every day, "My son's future is uncertain." Or even to say that about our own lives. You can allow yourself to feel bleak and angry, a sign you have been training for the hope Olympics and need a day or two or seven off  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Do you wonder if thinking something will never be this or always be that is how we take a break from the uncertainty? It feels better to know how things are going to turn out than not, even though we never really know anything.

Remember when he didn't have a place to live? He made this new flat happen. He went over the top and then in his own way seems to be trying to reign it in. It might well be this is how he goes through life, to the limits and then back, over and over again. He hopefully learns each time how to trim his sails so that the extremes are less each time he cycles.

SD22 is relatively high functioning, and her drama is relentless and exhausting. Some days I think it's like having a rope attached to H's leg. His rope is attached to mine. I have such mixed feelings about that rope depending on the day and how I feel.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2019, 12:04:25 PM »

My son is also a limits and back guy with extreme limits. All this really is out of our hands.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2019, 01:31:23 PM »

Oh LP big warm hugs Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Yes it is  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) tiring. I'm so sorry LP and I hope he is 'sorting it'. DS has come so far these last four years and this is another big step living independently. It comes back to drugs, self medicating his stress, emotional pain he's not prepared to face, embrace yet and you've recently said in a post to me Yet, back to you...

Yet  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

That he reaches out to you, you've stayed up many nights in his younger years as he detoxed and yes it is a cycle and you feel dead to it, exhausted, frustrated, mad, mad and it spikes anxiety, whoosh. So I ask you how did you respond LP and how are you feeling now? Who is this old friend that speaks DS truth, has time for him, DS listens to and is responding to, by sharing with you?

What are you doing these days to self soothe, self care? How's life post your art degree. How's our lovely LP? Yikes, lots of Q's... there is a lot of change in your life right now, young DS18 is off to Uni  Way to go! (click to insert in post)  Way to go! (click to insert in post)

Is this a 're-grouping' moment, tell us your thoughts LP? What's happening?

WDx  With affection (click to insert in post)
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Lollypop
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« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2019, 01:35:41 AM »

Hi

Excerpt
joy is the most vulnerable and therefore scary feeling

Just like hope. I do value your insight Lnl.

I don’t felt guilty about my joy when it comes. To be honest, there was so little of it for so many years. This isn’t a pity party by the way! I do feel a pang of guilt when I talk about me and my husbands future. FOG descends at the thought of son28 being here on his own.

Excerpt
Do you wonder if thinking something will never be this or always be that is how we take a break from the uncertainty? It feels better to know how things are going to turn out than not, even though we never really know anything.

Yes it does feel better to know. It’s all about having a sense of stability. For me, my formative years were permanently unstable so I’ve tended to seek solid ground. When we know better, we do better. I can be impetuous and I’m aware of this now, not so in my younger days.

I know I don’t know what the future holds but at the same time I can predict  If son keeps doing the same, he therefore gets the same. He digs himself into a hole and is learning.... slowly... how he can get himself out. A cycle. Like your daughter it’s never-ending.

I’m so grateful for this forum and my learning. I’m detached because I’m not running around fixing things. My life is very much better than it was. Whilst I have little hope son will ever be happy or free of drugs, I’m finding a way to live my own life.

Excerpt
how did you respond LP

I told him I knew he’d been “wayward” but hadn’t realised the extent. This was the wrong word to use. Son28 went into a sort of defence mode, as if I hadn’t fully understood what he was saying to me. That I didn’t realise just how serious a situation he was getting himself. He was “self destructing”. I didn’t validate as I should have but did say we were there for him. If he needed us to listen we were there, if he needed advice all he had to go was ask. “We were walking beside him”. This shifted his thinking and he ended saying something like “I’ll get there in the end”.  

We aren’t on the complete same song sheet. I want him free of any drugs. This is hypocritical because I drink alcohol to socialise and relax. Smoking a joint is no different. Son28 doesn’t want to be free of all drugs, just the ones he’s having a problem with at any particular time. He will most probably will always smoke skunk because that’s his root addiction. As the dugs counsellor and psychologist said years ago - that’s the elephant in the room.

It’s always in the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) room.

All the symptoms of what he puts in his body are wrapped up in his behaviours, paranoia, anxiety, tiredness etc.

It’s tiresome. In fact, it’s boring. Nothing ever changes on this one point.

Son28 has done brilliantly. I’d hoped he’d be drug free. Wishing is for children.

After son18 leaves for Uni in 2 weeks, both H and I have big plans for the next 6 months. Son28 is obviously affected, including the jealousy. He’ll miss him and resents the new laptop we bought son18.  Our focus is on ourselves and we don’t feel guilty about that, just sad I think.

We can’t change others. I can’t have an agenda for him. I can, however, make my son feel loved and understood. I’m writing this as a reminder.

Excerpt
What are you doing these days to self soothe, self care?]

Work in progress!  I sat on my backside for a few weeks after finishing. I’ve felt overwhelmed at everything that needs doing. The first thing was to spend some quality time with H. It’s taken some work for us to reconnect but we are there now. I’d allowed distance to seep into our relationship. Other than that, most of what I do is half hearted.  This isn’t like me.  I’m trying to find myself a new rhythm I’m happy with.  Oh, I’ve applied for a PT job too - one that I can easily do and is local.

I’m sorry it’s taken awhile to reply. I’m letting things slowly evolve and in my mind too.

Hugs
LP


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     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
wendydarling
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2019, 08:18:33 AM »

Hi LP

Sitting on your pretty backside for a while, after all the changes and hard work sounds like well deserved bliss to me. It's a huge crossroad for you, no wonder you've been feeling overwhelmed. I'm personally reviewing my 'busyness' to become more effective in making time to for what I want to do, for me and investing in my personal growth.

Excerpt
It’s all about having a sense of stability. For me, my formative years were permanently unstable so I’ve tended to seek solid ground. When we know better, we do better. I can be impetuous and I’m aware of this now, not so in my younger days.
Do you ever get to have conversations with your DS such as how you tend to seek solid ground, or you've learnt you can be impetuous? DD talks a lot about feeling the need to achieve perfection and how debilitating it is. It's an opportunity to lend her 'Daring Greatly'. I'm hoping it may foster conversations around living more fully and what that means for each of us, well see.

Excerpt
We can’t change others. I can’t have an agenda for him. I can, however, make my son feel loved and understood. I’m writing this as a reminder.
  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) A good reminder for us all LP, and we celebrate with you
Excerpt
Son28 has done brilliantly
It shows progress has been achieved despite the elephant in the room. Has DS pulled himself out of self destructive mode?

Excerpt
I do feel a pang of guilt when I talk about me and my husbands future. FOG descends at the thought of son28 being here on his own.
It's your next step LP I can understand the pangs of FOG, sadness at the thought DS being there on his own. Flip the coin and think of it as his next learning step perhaps. As you know I've someway to go to get my DD to independent living whatever that looks like. I often think one day I won't be here, somehow that helps keep me real, it is the truth, she'll have to get on with it. As your son said, something like 'I'll get there in the end', it is the fact that he can come to you, he feels compassion and connection, he belongs is all and may help set his compass for finding similar support out there when he's ready. 'I'll get there in the end' in the end is a sign of hope, hope is a function of struggle, sometimes when we struggle we end up getting to a better place, like here!!

Here's a little present DD's set at home.
https://awakeningbell.org/

WDx
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