My ex is engaged 7 months after our break up

[fizzingwhizbee]

My ex is engaged 7 months after our break up.

How did you guys get over the resentment... as I feel quite angry and resentful right now.

I feel resentful that my ex has possibly found someone who will validate enough and cling enough so that the relationship may actually work...

I heard from a (medical professional) friend that the new partner likely has BPD traits too so was hinting at marriage to my ex from about month 3. The new partner is also a small time influencer so validates my ex through social channels constantly which - from knowing how my ex is - this will be making him feel amazing.

My ex was always the LTR type - definitely looking for marriage material in any relationship (hinted about it to me a couple of times - but I had seen too many red flags by then), and also quiet BPD, generally functioning, keeping any emotional distress under wraps. So- not the type to multi date or have a 2month relationship go down in flames immediately.

I got the absolute worst behaviour from my ex as he was also very stressed from work at the time as well... major depressive episode, awful comments, passive aggressive behaviour, deceitful, lying...

It seems so unfair that my ex should find a good match this soon. I know it's ridiculous of me to complain, and I don't really wish anything bad on him as I think having BPD is probably quite enough to deal with. But I'm having trouble actually feeling and believing that.

I get that he's still in the midst of idealization... but it sounds like it might work out for him, and i'm struggling with being ok about it.

[once removed]

it can be a big gut punch when an ex gets into a new relationship, especially in such a significant way. i worried about the same things.

i'm struggling with being ok about it.

do you feel that it reflects on you?

[fizzingwhizbee]

it can be a big gut punch when an ex gets into a new relationship, especially in such a significant way. i worried about the same things.

do you feel that it reflects on you?

Yeah, partly I do I guess.

I looked at their social media (which I know was a backwards step, and I really shouldn't have) - but it looked like he was idealizing her way harder than he ever did with me.

I think that's where the anger comes from, because it makes me question what I did to deserve his awful behaviour. Our relationship was sort of defined by the fact he was on a downward swing because work was going badly for him and we met at work. And now he appears on a massive upward swing and he's being her prince charming. It really doesn't seem fair somehow...

[once removed]

How did you guys get over the resentment

you ever notice that we dont (or at least rarely) have this line of thinking after other relationships?

maybe its because something about this relationship rejuvenated us...made us feel special on a whole other level, and then we had the rug pulled out from us. its a bitter pill.

i struggled with the same thoughts. i begged everyone around me to tell me that my exs new relationship would crash and burn.

i could tell you the same thing. or i could tell you the opposite. the only thing i think we ever really know is that every relationship is "different"...better, worse, who can say.

but its probably not about that. youve suffered a big loss. youve suffered a big blow to your self esteem. and this is big news (it would upset most anyone), that has probably opened that back up.

your self esteem doesnt depend on how they go. i know that it feels that way right now. 

rebuild your self esteem, and it wont.

[Toughluck]

fizzingwhizbee,

I know exactly how you feel.

Mine exbpd left me for someone that I knew, made travels to exact places that were my dreams not hers and got herself pregnant... All this happened in 8months.

It was a tough thing to swallow because I wanted to get a family... With her at the time. I was very depressed, sad and felt that i can't find anyone like her. But funny thing is that you remember the good things when break up in a bad way... The reality is that these relationships are often toxic and are one sided... Not real love

My breakup happened 2 years ago... And all I can say is that Only time will heal and also you have to start to look forward. Make your own future plans without him.

Stop stalking! I'm stalking free for almost 9months... I'm wise enough to say, you Only get more depressed.

I can say, that there will be bad days and worse days... But in the between you start slowly enjoy life without betrayel, lies and constant ups and downs.

I still think my ex, but I have accepted the outcome. It takes time, you can't speed it up

Start a new hobby to shift your thoughts from him

[clytie]

Dear fizzingwhizbee,
What he did (I mean all his bad behaviour) wasn't about  you. It was just about his feelings and his perception of life, his reality at that moment. You could do nothing about it as it was all about him. And what happens at this time isnot about or because of another person. It is still all about and because of him.

please try to see the bigger picture. this trying has saved my life. I had been wth my bpd ex more than 20 years and we broke up two years ago. sometimes it is still confusing. when I get confused, I take a break and start concentrating on myself. I ask myself these questions: Do I miss him? Do I need him? How? Why?
When I really look at my deepest feelings, I realize that it is not him that I miss or need. What I need is to feel loved, important and full. Then I work really hard to take care of myself to feel loved, ,important and full.

Eventually, life is a journey and it is all about us/ not about the people around us.

[fizzingwhizbee]

you ever notice that we dont (or at least rarely) have this line of thinking after other relationships?

maybe its because something about this relationship rejuvenated us...made us feel special on a whole other level, and then we had the rug pulled out from us. its a bitter pill. 

This is very true - I have never felt like this about a break up ever. I've never struggled like this.

My self esteem takes a blow everytime I see him practically walking on air with happiness around the office at the moment - back when we were falling a part, the mask was slipping at work too.

your self esteem doesnt depend on how they go. i know that it feels that way right now. 

rebuild your self esteem, and it wont.

Yeah, it feels so hard to do.. I think I will talk to my therapist about it again.

[fizzingwhizbee]

Wow, all that in 8 months! Although the trajectory mines on - he will have her pregnant in no time.

Stop stalking! I'm stalking free for almost 9months... I'm wise enough to say, you Only get more depressed.

Yeah, I really need to stop - I was being good about not looking at anything, but I still found myself asking mutuals about him which was basically the same.

I have lots of hobbies that I'm doing, so yeah - i will throw myself more into those, thanks for the advice.

[fizzingwhizbee]

Dear fizzingwhizbee,
What he did (I mean all his bad behaviour) wasn't about  you. It was just about his feelings and his perception of life, his reality at that moment. You could do nothing about it as it was all about him. And what happens at this time isnot about or because of another person. It is still all about and because of him.

please try to see the bigger picture. this trying has saved my life. I had been wth my bpd ex more than 20 years and we broke up two years ago. sometimes it is still confusing. when I get confused, I take a break and start concentrating on myself. I ask myself these questions: Do I miss him? Do I need him? How? Why?
When I really look at my deepest feelings, I realize that it is not him that I miss or need. What I need is to feel loved, important and full. Then I work really hard to take care of myself to feel loved, ,important and full.

Eventually, life is a journey and it is all about us/ not about the people around us.

The ego-bruised part of me just wishes his view of reality was negative at the moment


Those are good questions to ask, I think I need a mantra or something like those questions to manage the ruminating.

20 years is a long time - i couldn't imagine (and still wouldn't want to) being with my ex that long, I would be an even bigger wreck. That's what's so frustrating about all of these multitude of feelings I'm feeling about it now - I dont want him back As I said above - he hinted at marriage and I knew that there was too much wrong with our relationship for me to marry him.