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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Reached breaking point  (Read 346 times)
Frankee
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« on: August 27, 2019, 06:29:38 AM »

Here I am back again, with a heavy heart.  Yesterday, the bottom fell out with my exbph. My exbph was cleaning up the boathouse and when he was done, sat down in the bedroom.  I went in there to talk about the days he the boys and about the school bus.  Well, he said he gives up.  His brothers were working and go in the same time he does for work so he no longer has someone to watch the boys.

Turned in to big long talk about me coming home.  That I NEED to give him another chance.  He threw everything he had at trying to convince me to come back.  My exbph tried FOG, tried to say I was having a midlife crisis, I should had decided this before I married him and had a child, and I promised him that I wouldn't leave.

I know that the ONLY reason I didn't cave and give up was the amazing support system I had weaved for myself.  The two amazing women I had in my life.  The new friendships of people I probably never would had built if I had stayed.  When I told him my progress was taking me farther away from him.. he told me to stop.  Stop my progress... Because it wasn't benefiting him.

Yesterday I found a strength in myself I never knew I had.  He kept pushing how he can't be an ex husband and a good father.  Telling me he would have to abandon the boys because he can't sit around and watch me start a new life.  He doesn't want to be and won't be alone.

He dragged our S8 into the mix.  Asking him questions about how he felt about us separating.  He asked S8 how he felt about mommy and daddy getting a divorce and watching mommy marry someone else and he has a new daddy.  That was it.. I snapped.. I got in his face and said that was extremely f***Ed up for him to say that to our son.  Exbph said then either come home or serve him divorce papers.  I said fine and started walking out.  He said, okay.. hear that boys, we're getting a divorce.

It breaks my heart that I thought he was making progress and that he could be a good father to the boys.  But unless I am with him.. apparently not.
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« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2019, 07:48:08 AM »

Hi Frankie,
I’m so sorry your ubpdh is finding it unbearable to deal with rejection and is acting out. All or nothing mentality, black or white is a part of the diagnosis. I’m impressed that you are able to hold your grounds despite the push back from him and life’s obstacles. Keep in mind that what they say and what they actually do are often two different things. Time is also working in your favour, in time he will need to replace the “teddy” you have been for him. When he does, he will also change his behaviour. I hope he keeps up with his parental duties. Even if he doesn’t, is it worth sacrificing your safety for the sake of the kids to have him in their lives. Was seeing you with visible bruises part of his parental involvement package? I’m also concerned for your safety. With his impulsive tendencies and lack of control, can he be dangerous when he feels that he has nothing to loose?
« Last Edit: August 27, 2019, 02:40:09 PM by Skip » Logged

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Frankee
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« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2019, 09:31:48 AM »

I honestly don't know what will happen from here.  Before he had a glimmer of hope.  I know that after yesterday, he is starting to really accept that I'm not coming back.  His behavior before was always kept in check because he wanted me back and I always took him back.. now.. a new storm is brewing. 

He said something about another couple that we were friends with and I said I don't talk to them after he beat the PLEASE READ out of her.  He said he didn't know he did that.  But they got back together and that he didn't beat the PLEASE READ out of me.  That was an instant trigger and I was back in that hotel room those years ago.  With a black eye and have the PLEASE READ beat of me.  Telling me that was how his dad showed him he loved him.

I will give him credit for trying very hard these last three months to show me that he can change, but it's all conditional.  When he saw it wasn't going to benefit his wants, he flipped it.
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« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2019, 05:56:07 PM »

Frankee,

First of all I have to say how very proud  :wee:you should be about yourself! All the things during the last months you have achieved for you and your kids! Amazing!

When it comes to your ex - many BPDs just simply are not capable for any long term, solid  commitments, even if it were with their own kids. Many BPDs are rather driven by any fast validation for their very own needs, any given time.

My T once said : you cannot expect them ( BPDs) to run a marathon with a broken leg....

In addition, are you familiar with the term ‘ shallow attachment’ ? You might want to check it - many BPDs are so occupied with their own problems that they simply cannot take on any other responsibilities. 

You might have to really lower your expectations on your ex’s capabilities as a father. I know it is disappointing, but indeed it might be much better for your kids, too,  than spending a lot of time with an unstable father.

You seem to be a very strong and good mother, your kids are very lucky to have you.

Keep up the excellent progress, and keep on posting!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)







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« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2019, 06:48:05 PM »

Hi Frankee,


I’m sorry that your H dragged S8 into this, I would be pretty upset too. As your probably know he cast you as persecutor and cast himself as victim and your son ex in the position of rescuer.

He says that he can’t be a good dad. Does that mean that he can’t do his parental duties when he has the kids?

What is custody and access going to look like?

Is it going to be 50/50?
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Frankee
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« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2019, 08:20:22 AM »

Thank you for the encouraging words.  It's been a rollercoaster of a ride.  Yesterday my exbph message in the morning saying he needed money for rent.  He asked my x amount, I said I can give x amount (which was less). He got upset asking where the rest of the money is going.  Well long story short, it turned into a bitter conversation.  Mostly because he didn't like my "attitude". 

He wanted to talk on the phone, he called and I answered.  The convert basically went..  I told him in a firm and calm voice.. I don't think I want this anymore.  He started getting upset.  I didn't.  He said if I was going to throw away my promise to him, throw away my obligations (as his wife).  I took a deep breath and said... I am a mother, that will never change.

Anyone who is reading this.. please.. this part is important.

My exbph showed me the man I had been fighting for.  Caring, warm, compassionate, understand, patient, a good father, a sensitive husband.  He was doing it to show me that he could change.  He was doing it to get me to come back.  Once he got tired of "dealing" with my persistence that I am not just going to come back and told him I'm really done.. he flipped it so fast that it made my head spin.

Already he reverted back to taking shots at me being a liar, being a di**, bossy (ordering me to do stuff), blaming me for destroying the family, that he isn't going to be a part of our lives.  Now I know, what they say and what they do are different.. but I am so sick and tired of that.  I am done dealing with complete BS.

I wish I could say 50/50, visitation, support, whatever.  Truth is.. I can't count on him for anything.  He takes the boys when he wants or not having a "hard time".  He can't even make his paycheck last two weeks.  He's broke and I'm dropping child support.  I am able to take care of myself and the boys without him.  Mostly because of his expensive marijuana and tobacco addiction.
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« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2019, 09:08:55 AM »

I have a realization last couple days.  Yesterday, I was sitting next to my ex.  Talking about things kids.  A message pops up on his phone from an unregistered number.  I only saw the last two words "experience you" from the text message.  He was sure quick to swipe it away.

I realized what bothers me about this is him carrying on about how I the only woman for him, he will never find anyone.. typical bpd word vomit.  Now today.. he is having a "bad" day.  He found my planner I accidentally left in the other truck (big mistake on my part). 

Now he's carrying on about how I am hiding things, he saw the picture of the bunk beds on the kids tablet that I didn't tell him about, he saw a couple things due I didn't tell him about.  That I am suing him (state is with the whole child support).  That since I can't just be reassuring when he's upset, then he won't do it for me.  I ignore how he feels or turn it around on him.

So.  That being said, I can see why he is so bent out of shape.  I am hiding a lot from him.  And he's finding out because of my carelessness.  I was telling my girlfriend that I got to relaxed around him.  I was starting to believe it was getting better.  It only was because he believed we were moving towards each other.  Now he is seeing we aren't.  Which I was trying to prevent because I need him to help me with the kids next few days with my new job.. am I being manipulative?
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« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2019, 09:16:19 AM »

They’re his kids too he should watch them .

If I have this correctly you’re the only one working? You’re earnings goes towards the kids? I don’t believe that you’re being manipulative.
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Frankee
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2019, 08:15:25 AM »

He's working full time hours.  My new hospitality job I started, I am having to work 5 nights in a row.  She is supposed to post the new schedule today.  I'm going to have to say something to her if she puts me all nights again.  I'm looking into getting a babysitter to stay with the boys on the night/s I have to work next week.  I would rather do that then count on him.

I am maintaining the peace because I need him to help with the boys next few days.  Yes, they are his kids, and he should help.  But reality is, I can't count on him to be consistent and I think most people are here would know the feeling.

I feel manipulative, because I have been maybe falsely presenting the idea that we are okay.. when deep down.. we aren't.  I told my girlfriend that I was actually starting to feel warm and fuzzy towards him again with his "changed" behavior, but his unprovoked outlash about the trucks and "living" this way, reminded me of why I left.

He called and wanted to communicate more, that I don't respond to his texts half of the time.  I am under no obligation to respond to every text or call.  Especially when texts accusing me of ruining Christmas and I will have to sue him to get any more money out of him. 

When I went to dropped off the boys yesterday, he was napping.  It's weird.. I had a flash moment where I felt like I was back where I was months ago.  Feeling trapped, helpless, like this was as good as it would get.  When I use to have my heart start racing when he would go off.. I actually felt anxiety for a brief moment.  I had to remind myself that I'm not where I was and I had a safe place at my girlfriend's.
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2019, 03:21:26 PM »

When you say you are presenting the idea that you’re OK, are you leading him on to think you might get back together?

I don’t think there’s anything manipulative about trying to maintain a pleasant relationship with him as long as you are honest about your feelings. After all, you will be coparenting with him for many years; you need to be on good terms.
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2019, 06:57:13 PM »

Hi Frankee,

I agree with Cat Familiar, I don’t think that you’re being manipulative, I hear conflict , there’s a period where you’re feeling warm and fuzzy towards him and another period where you’re reminded of why it doesn’t work.

If you were acting on the periods where your feelings are positive toward him, and I’m not saying that you are but it would feel confusing on the other end when it’s hot and cold. I just think that the he doesn’t align with your values, is it being manipulative? It could seem that way but I don’t think that is your intention if you look a little deeper I think that for the time being you have conflicted feelings.
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« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2019, 11:36:56 AM »

Excerpt
He dragged our S8 into the mix.  Asking him questions about how he felt about us separating.  He asked S8 how he felt about mommy and daddy getting a divorce and watching mommy marry someone else and he has a new daddy.  That was it.. I snapped.. I got in his face and said that was extremely f***Ed up for him to say that to our son.  Exbph said then either come home or serve him divorce papers.  I said fine and started walking out.  He said, okay.. hear that boys, we're getting a divorce.
You're right.

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