So what is she really saying in this email

[formflier]

(FF (misspelled in her email..let's assume my name is Jack..she spelled it Jackk) I have asked you to set up a routine with the girls where they come home have a quick snack and immediately get all of their homework done with you. Then that leaves time for bike rides and going to the park et cetera when I come home from working all day. That is what I did for you all the years you enjoyed being a naval aviator. I worked dilligently to rearrange our schedule to fit yours and to have all the work taken care of so you could come home from work and enjoy yourself. Instead yesterday you took them to the park after school so when I got home from working all day I got to do their homework with them while you went off to swim or run errands that could have been taken care of during the day. This leaves no time for me to play with them and enjoy them or go exercise myself. Please consider what kind of husband you want to model for our daughters because what they see from you they will seek out for themselves one day. Do you really want to do that to them? We want them to seek out someone who puts others first, not themselves.  Their choice for a husband will be here before we know it. We also want to model putting others first so they will do that as well.

So..reality since school has been back in.  There has been 1 night that I left the house and went swimming.  All the other times were done during the day so we could be together as a family in the evening.

The one day I went swimming in the evening, I spent the day taking a child to the doctor, pharmacy and other errands in the manner my wife requested them be done.  (we were in agreement about how that would be handled during the day).

Then..my wife insisted that she take a different child to the walk in (again I agreed the child should go) and I offered to take the child. 

So...I faced the choice of puttering around the house while kids did homework or go get in a swim that I missed during the day.  So..I went swimming.

Basically..since she is using something that didn't happen (I couldn't have done it during the day without blowing off my wife's requests)..what is this really about. 

Perhaps just a chance to insult me and suggest she wouldn't want our daughters to pick someone like me.

Sigh..

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

It's that ALWAYS/NEVER thinking that pwBPD engage in. Without looking at the big picture, they selectively focus on something where they feel their needs didn't get met and then imagine a long-running pattern that they then project into the future.

If we offer evidence or counterexamples, then we're merely JADEing.

I get that from my husband: "You NEVER do anything with me." Translated what that means is that he doesn't like that I'm not a fan of going to movie matinees. I like using the daylight hours for doing something productive or just enjoying being outdoors.

[Fian]

To be honest, it isn't just BPD that deal in Always/Never thinking.  It does seem, though, that she is dialing this up to a 11.  She has a grievance that is worth discussing, but she takes it to a place where you are a bad husband and father, all because you didn't do homework with the kids when she wanted.

[formflier]

  all because you didn't do homework with the kids when she wanted.

Is it relevant that the example she uses...I "couldn't" do it the way she wanted and she was not present (by her own choice)...to do the things she wishes she would be able to do (and has been able to do all the other nights)

Yes..when I use "all" I'm accurately talking about all the nights since school has started. 

I offered on this night to take the child to the walk in so she could be home and do as she pleased (park, bike rides and all that)...she was insistent she would take the child.

Said another way.  I'm all for listening to grievances and trying to solve problems. 

Should I listen to and try to solve fantasies?  While at the same time not taking the position of persecuting her for "lying".

Best,

FF

[Skip]

FF, this feels like a drama triangle.

The best way to handle that is to move to the middle.

So, let wash out the words you wife used, and substitute a non-drama version. Then respond to that.

What would non-drama version be?

[Enabler]

"I'm a victim because I have to go out to work. You're a perpetrator by proxi because you don't have to go out to work and you can have leisure time going swimming. You choose to encroach on my leisure time by choosing to do your leisure time swim in my leisure time (I can't choose to take leisure time in the daytime as I'm at work). I feel disrespected by that choice. I feel like you don't respect the fact that I have to put myself out going out to work. I feel like you don't appreciate how good you have it being able to take a leisurely swim in the daytime. You are selfish, you should be focused on me and my hardship"

Is that undramatic enough?

I have to admit that I have felt this way about my W (when she was a stay at home mum) using her daytimes for leisure and then seemingly using my potential leisure time for her leisure dumping "work" i.e. parenting on me when I arrived home. This still happens and it's hugely frustrating. I see it as an entitled over-consumption of resources (peoples time). I'm not saying this is the case, but I'd be inclined to validate that you appreciate she has a lack of choice being out the house at work, that it feels disrespectful when people consume precious leisure time and that you'll be more conscious of it in the future.

Enabler

[Panda39]

I translate this as...

I was tired after work and didn't want to help the kids with their homework because I was pooped out, I wish you could have done it so I didn't have to. 

Yes the way this was communicated to you sucked...blame game and did not take into consideration how you might be feeling or what you had already done that day.

You could validate her feelings...acknowledge that she was tired following a full day at work, that you all are adjusting to getting back into school routine, try SET...

Panda39

[formflier]

I was tired after work and didn't want to help the kids with their homework because I was pooped out, I wish you could have done it so I didn't have to. 
 

And..I would agree with this interpretation...which is what brought me to ask if the actual details matter.

She may be using a poor example to express some bigger thing, yet even then most of the time (80%) all homework is done when she gets home and she is the one insisting on doing more spelling, vocabulary or whatever.  The other times when there were worksheets not done it was because we couldn't get to the worksheets.  My wife is a teacher...logged in printed the worksheets and D(3rd grader) got to work on her homework.

Thread hijack:  (can I hijack my own?)  Talk about a precious parenting moment.  D(3rd grader) believed she was home free because she "forgot" to bring home the math workbook and "her teacher didn't tell her" to bring it home.  She had this attitude of "I'd love to do it..but...can't"

When 4-5 pages of workbook appeared from the printer..well...that was a priceless face for a few minutes.   

Ok..hijack over.

Even in that case, I offered to  be the parent watching over her and it would be accurate to say my wife insisted she do it.

So...if it's not about reality...then? 

Let me think about the drama question.  Back in a bit.

Best,

FF

[once removed]

So...if it's not about reality...then?

a non drama version isnt about winning the battle of realities.

Perhaps just a chance to insult me and suggest she wouldn't want our daughters to pick someone like me.

is this about reality? perhaps. it might also be hurt and defensiveness talking, and not all that different from how your wife is reading maliciousness and/or carelessness in your actions.

a non drama version is about letting that guard down and hearing her. shes frustrated. it sounds like she thinks you broke an arrangement, and were careless about it. shes resentful. she feels you put yourself first, over her.

[formflier]

 
So..the drama view. (trying to answer Skip's question)

I would guess she is casting our daughters as the victims of me the persecutor and offering herself as the one to "rescue" our daughters.

I suppose an offer to listen would be a centrist role since "persecutors" rarely listen.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I'm with Skip-

This doesn't have to be drama or due to BPD.  It's the first week of school- and for teachers- this is a week of chaos. New kids, new teachers, kids getting adjusted, new routines.

She probably came home exhausted, hoping for some time to recoup. That's the time you decided to take a swim.

I don't think this is necessarily drama. I think it's a disconnect. When two people are tired and in their own heads, they aren't really aware of where the other person is at. You've felt burnt out on the BPD dynamics for a while. Wife has felt resentment at working and also not been tuned in to the discomfort your injuries have caused you.

It's a case of mismatched expectations. Wife " I could use a hand tonight, I had a tough day/week" You: "its a chance to work on the physical issues to feel better" and you went swimming.

To your wife, it felt insensitive. It wasn't intentional on your part but it felt that way.

Transitions are a change. Your whole household is transitioning to school mode. Kids have homework, wife is back at work. It's a tiring and emotional time. IMHO, let this one go, stack it up to tired wife, lots of changes. Yes, you are helpful and do a lot, but maybe your wife needs more help/emotional support  from you during this transition. She may not communicate this in the best way,  but she needs it regardless.

[formflier]

To your wife, it felt insensitive. It wasn't intentional on your part but it felt that way.

 

Here is where I think "reality" matters.

I was intentional about offering to shoulder 100% of the load on the night in question (swimming).  She was insistent in taking a child to the walk in and in "taking over".

Perhaps I'm to stuck on what is actually said and actually happens.

She is wishing I would do what I offered to do and resentful about her choosing another course of action.  (when things are this irrational..that's when my "BPD radar goes off")

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

There are a couple of her ongoing "irritation issues" at play here.

1) She is going back to work, and you aren't ( as she sees it).

2) She doesn't believe you are fully disabled and needs to swim as part of your medical care routine.I

So if she comes home from a tough day at work, and you are swimming, it's putting you before the family. BPD logic kicks in.