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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: After 18 years - time to quit.  (Read 624 times)
MrRight
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« Reply #30 on: September 19, 2019, 04:01:56 PM »

Thanks Panda39.

And yet I do need to give a reason for ending an 18 year marriage.

I also don't want it thought that I am running to another woman.

I could dispense with the list and make it more general.

But you are right - she seems blind to the outrages she does day in day out and seeing it all in writing probably will just lead to denials and justifications.

she has often said - "you did this to me"
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Panda39
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« Reply #31 on: September 19, 2019, 05:03:40 PM »

I don't have a BPD ex-husband (my current partner does) but did have a dysfunctional/co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic.

After 19 years of marriage, I decided I was done and I told my then husband that I hadn't been happy for a long time and I no longer wanted to be married.  It was a simple as that.

I think you could tell your wife something similar.  You do not have to JADE on your way out.

Panda39



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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #32 on: September 19, 2019, 05:16:54 PM »

Agree... if you’d like to give a “hint” of sorts, you may consider saying something like “For my emotional and physical health, I am leaving this marriage.  My attorney will contact you.  I am grateful for our beautiful son.”

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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MrRight
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« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2019, 05:21:21 PM »

Agree... if you’d like to give a “hint” of sorts, you may consider saying something like “For my emotional and physical health, I am leaving this marriage.  My attorney will contact you.  I am grateful for our beautiful son.”

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks - I have already written an alternative along those lines.

glad I posted about this.

the only other issue I have is where to go!

My car will take me anywhere. Specifically I have an invitation from my mum who I have not seen for 12 years but been in secret contact. She has a room for me. But I don't want to get stuck living with my mum! Would love to visit her of course. My dad and sister live much closer and I would hope to find a good welcome after all this time - they know the score and may be relieved to see me out of this and could hopefully offer me some accommodation for a few weeks. I also have no idea what to say to them after all this time. I feel utter humiliation that I have been letting this woman run my life all these years.

I might just spend the first night in a hotel and  catch up with some sleep and then take it from there.

My mid to long term plan is to ditch all the clutter from my life and buy one of those motorhomes - live in that and tour all year around - alone!
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 05:35:23 PM by MrRight » Logged
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #34 on: September 19, 2019, 05:35:23 PM »

Wherever you land first is likely NOT the place you’ll stay permanently.  Perhaps consider where the LEAST will be expected of you.  You simply deserve a place to gather your thoughts in peace, relax and feel surrounded by love.

Make certain your phone does not have a GPS tracker or friend finder app on it where your W can track your whereabouts. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid?

And look into that money stuff - strong caution around finances.

Warmly,
Gems
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MrRight
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« Reply #35 on: September 19, 2019, 05:41:59 PM »

Wherever you land first is likely NOT the place you’ll stay permanently.  Perhaps consider where the LEAST will be expected of you.  You simply deserve a place to gather your thoughts in peace, relax and feel surrounded by love.

Make certain your phone does not have a GPS tracker or friend finder app on it where your W can track your whereabouts. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid?

And look into that money stuff - strong caution around finances.

Warmly,
Gems

That's a headache as I have substantial current expenses - the house that I wont be living in, mortgage, heat etc and I am paying out a lot of money to cover my son's expenses for another 3 years or so. I am currently paying my wife a big enough allowance for her to live without working. How long must I pay that if we are getting divorced why should I support her and why should she live in the house and me pay all the bills?
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GaGrl
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« Reply #36 on: September 19, 2019, 06:00:49 PM »

I agree with the "less is more" approach. Even if you want to assure her that you are not doing this because of another relationship, she will read the denial and translate that to your lying -- "Of course he's seeing someone else. Why else would he  throw away this wonderful marriage I've created for him?"

We may sound cynical -- but we've either experienced some outrageous divorce situations, or we've coached members through situations on the Legal board.

What I do think would be helpful would be to take the list you made and, rather than sending it to her in farewell letter form, make it documented into for your lawyer, so he/she has background when she starts her accusations. For example...

 "On (date), Spouse became enraged at (whatever reason she lost it), threatened me, then attacked me with a (description of length and type of kitchen knife). This resulted in a three-inch cut that was deep enough to require medical attention at (name of facility). The cut left a scar that has not yet faded. Spouse did not acknowledge her attack nor did she apologize."

 "On (date, time), Spouse began berating me and continued for (length of rant), becoming more enraged about (reason for rant, most likely stupid), finally picking up and throwing my office chair across the room and breaking it beyond use."

And so forth... examples of the sleep deprivation, the driving interference, hours of berating with specific words, the interference and control over bodily functions.

There's a lot to consider as you work through this.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
GaGrl
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« Reply #37 on: September 19, 2019, 06:05:21 PM »

Sorry...double posted.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #38 on: September 19, 2019, 06:16:08 PM »

Hi Mr. Right-

The focus for your exit is to be sure she does NOT have access to funds and cannot clean out accounts.  Or run up credit cards.

Regarding the marital home, you’ll be working with an attorney (solicitor) soon for assistance with that.  My mindset is that the status SHOULD and likely WILL change when the marriage ends (and hopefully before).  Let’s keep fingers crossed that a sale of the home will take place and she will move to an apartment... and return to work.

For today and the next few days... calmness and mindfulness... to allow you to exit SAFELY.

Warmly,
Gems
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MrRight
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« Reply #39 on: September 19, 2019, 06:43:30 PM »

Hi Mr. Right-

The focus for your exit is to be sure she does NOT have access to funds and cannot clean out accounts.  Or run up credit cards.

Regarding the marital home, you’ll be working with an attorney (solicitor) soon for assistance with that.  My mindset is that the status SHOULD and likely WILL change when the marriage ends (and hopefully before).  Let’s keep fingers crossed that a sale of the home will take place and she will move to an apartment... and return to work.

For today and the next few days... calmness and mindfulness... to allow you to exit SAFELY.

Warmly,
Gems

We have separate accounts. No credit cards. I will just make sure I change my paypal ebay and amazon passwords.

Yes I want to sell the house - that might be hard with her in it. It is choc a clock with clutter as she is a hoarder and impulse buyer - never throws anything away. I dont care too much about the capital in the house - if she gets it - she will pass it on to our son anyway - which is what I would do. And the income from my business would be a very nice thing indeed if it were not for all these confounded expenses that are hanging on my neck. She has her inheritance she could live on if I stop payments to her. It would last a few years.

Im afraid she is likely to try and move to the city where my son is studying.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #40 on: September 19, 2019, 06:57:12 PM »

She very well might want to move to the city where your son is in university. But your son won't be there forever. Also, and my DH found this difficult to accept, you have to let your son find his own path with his mother. DH's ex moved 1500 miles to live 1/2 mile from their daughter and grandaughter ( in spite of SD38 telling her that it was a BAD idea) and SD38 has done a good job with boundaries with her mother.

That isn't on you. You just need to press for sale of the property.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
MrRight
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« Reply #41 on: September 20, 2019, 01:52:01 AM »

She very well might want to move to the city where your son is in university. But your son won't be there forever. Also, and my DH found this difficult to accept, you have to let your son find his own path with his mother. DH's ex moved 1500 miles to live 1/2 mile from their daughter and grandaughter ( in spite of SD38 telling her that it was a BAD idea) and SD38 has done a good job with boundaries with her mother.

That isn't on you. You just need to press for sale of the property.

He will need to find his own path soon as she is harassing him daily with texts and phone/skype talks. She phones him at 6 am for a 20 minute chat when he is clearly sleepy. If he does not reply within 1 hour she calls the police.
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MrRight
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« Reply #42 on: September 20, 2019, 08:25:43 AM »

quick update

I nearly blew it.

She came down the stairs in the morning raging at me for not working hard enough and threw my chair again and punched me on the back and arms several times.

She cant work if she cant trust me to work. Claims I am sinning against God. (she has turned to religeon recently in a big way - she even makes me get on my knees and pray while she prays. Im an atheist!)

This went on all morning and she was insisting on checking my work every 30 minutes.

I nearly bailed out - was going to get in my car and drive to my father and sister - ask them to come back to house and help me move out.

would rather not do it that way - weathered the storm and she has now calmed down a bit after I convinced her I am serious about my business.

keeping my fingers crossed she gets on that train tomorrow. My temper nearly snapped many times today but just thinking about the reward for my patience.
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Panda39
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« Reply #43 on: September 20, 2019, 11:30:43 AM »

Hi Mr. Right,

 Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

One more day...you got this!

Hang in there  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #44 on: September 20, 2019, 12:59:23 PM »

Hey Mr.Right-
Sending you huge hugs and strength!

You DO have this and DO deserve your new life!

We’re right with you.  Stay calm and mindful and know you CAN and WILL be fine.

And if for any reason she doesn’t get on that train, plan B... police to get you out of there safely.

Tomorrow is go time.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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MrRight
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« Reply #45 on: September 20, 2019, 02:31:48 PM »

Thanks for your support all.

She apologised for the morning beating - said she went too far.

She also claims I'm going to vanish while she is in London tomorrow. She always says - dont run away - whenever she goes out for the day - though today she has said it several times. She also asked if I'm coming with her and I said no. I'm trying to be as natural as possible - dismissing her fears of abandonment.

Christ this is hard!
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #46 on: September 20, 2019, 02:40:18 PM »

Yes, it is hard.  Nothing worth having is easy and you have paid a very STEEP price for years.

Calmness and mindfulness, no matter what she says or how much she apologizes.  You’ve NEVER deserved to be beaten.  Just tells you she KNOWS all along she’s been abusing you. 

You’ve got to go away to your peaceful life.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Harri
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« Reply #47 on: September 21, 2019, 03:12:47 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit.  The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339660.msg13077842#msg13077842

Thank you
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