Growing anxiety and concerns about potential encounter

[Depression = 72% of members]

Tonight I have visitation with my kids.  My ex filed a restraining order against me and now the court demands that I have supervised visitation for the next couple of months, even though the TPO was dismissed.  Long story short I know that my exwBPD will be dropping of the kids and her mother (who must also have BPD) will most likely be there too.  I don’t want to see them or talk to them because I know their main goal will be to provoke me and bait me into either an argument or a charming session.  I have done my best to try to avoid them in the past and in other circumstances the occasion has never arisen where I needed to see them, but in this case the visitation isn’t taking place in a location where I can easily keep my distance.  The meet up is in a parking lot and I just known that my ex and her mom are going to take full advantage of the fact that I’m not going to be able to distance myself from them.  I’m trying to prepare mentally and emotionally but my anxiety level is reaching its peak and my concerns about how these two are going to act has me on edge.  Best case scenario they just drop the kids off and go.  Worst case they gang up on me and jab at things they know I’m sensitive about until they strike something that will make me react.  I’m trying to calm down and use my head but there is this intense racing heart feeling I get when I realize I am going to be face to face with them.  What should I do?  If you have similar experiences and have gained some wisdom of the best way to handle and unwanted encounter, I am all ears.  Please feel free to share anything you think will be of help.

[pausercell]

Tonight I have visitation with my kids.  My ex filed a restraining order against me and now the court demands that I have supervised visitation for the next couple of months, even though the TPO was dismissed.  Long story short I know that my exwBPD will be dropping of the kids and her mother (who must also have BPD) will most likely be there too.  I don’t want to see them or talk to them because I know their main goal will be to provoke me and bait me into either an argument or a charming session.  I have done my best to try to avoid them in the past and in other circumstances the occasion has never arisen where I needed to see them, but in this case the visitation isn’t taking place in a location where I can easily keep my distance.  The meet up is in a parking lot and I just known that my ex and her mom are going to take full advantage of the fact that I’m not going to be able to distance myself from them.  I’m trying to prepare mentally and emotionally but my anxiety level is reaching its peak and my concerns about how these two are going to act has me on edge.  Best case scenario they just drop the kids off and go.  Worst case they gang up on me and jab at things they know I’m sensitive about until they strike something that will make me react.  I’m trying to calm down and use my head but there is this intense racing heart feeling I get when I realize I am going to be face to face with them.  What should I do?  If you have similar experiences and have gained some wisdom of the best way to handle and unwanted encounter, I am all ears.  Please feel free to share anything you think will be of help.

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[Radcliff]

It sounds like by now the visit may already have happened.  How did it go?

If this is supervised visitation, where is the supervisor?  The supervisor can protect you as well as the children.  Why isn't the supervisor present at the transfer?  Tensions can be very high during transfers.  Courts know this and often set up things to minimize the potential for drama during transfers.

RC

[pausercell]

Hey Radcliff.  Yes, I have a supervised monitor and I think my concerns are primarily in my head.  It’s just that things are really unpredictable now.  I’ve tried to go NC but that’s almost impossible due to visitation.  My main concern is that she will violate the boundaries that I’ve put in place and more over her parents who are the generals in her army of flying monkeys.  My monitor is doing an awesome job and he’s an ex cop whose dealt with things like this before.  But really it isn’t so much the transfer as the gut punch of anxiety I feel at having to come face to face with someone whose put me through horrible abuse.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’m sure it’s some form of PTSD and my rational mind knows what’s up but my emotional and physical sides are still reeling from how awful things have been.  Thanks for contacting me and your support.

[Radcliff]

That makes total sense.  Many other members have been there.  It's not easy to break those patterns.  Somehow, it can even seem worse once we're out of the relationship because our defenses are down, and the trauma from the split can be great.

Do you have a lawyer who is representing you in your custody case?  Has your lawyer discussed a plan with you?

When you're feeling anxious about your ex, what helps you to calm down and feel less threatened?

RC

[pausercell]

Hey Radcliff.  Thanks for reaching out again.  I do have a lawyer and she is working very hard but unfortunately she doesn’t have a lot of experience working with BPD cases, so this has been really stressful for her.  I sent her the book “Splitting” about high conflict divorces involving people with personality disorders.  She’s in the process of reading it.  I highly recommend it for anyone who is going through any phase of the separation process because it really helps shed light on what to expect next. 

As for calming myself, I try to meditate, I attend a men’s group and see my therapist regularly.  I also post on this site more and more because it helps me gain insight and not feel so alone.  A lot of people are unaware that BPD and NPD actually exist and even when they become aware it’s hard for them the truly appreciate the Hell that these people can make of your life. 

Currently I am also exercising and trying to connect with friends and family that are outside the sphere of all of this.  It really helps me to engage with other people.

My appreciation at my interactions with my ex and her family are born out of my knowledge that they seem to have no fear of
Consequences for their actions and when they are faced with consequences of any kind they have always defaulted to the idea that it was “unfair” that they were made to face the music.  They can rationalize like no ones business. 

Over the course of my time with them and away I’ve come to realize that my ex mother in law has untreated BPD and is the driving force for all the chaos.  And I know she’s pulling the strings.  She has painted me black worse than anyone else, including my ex. 

I also have started dating a normal woman, and it’s night and Day comparatively speaking.  It’s weird for there to be a lack of mind games and for her to apologize and take responsibility when she’s done something wrong.  Just having her to talk to helps calm me and she too is going through a high conflict divorce with an NPD, so our shared experiences help me.

Thanks again so much for everything.  I’m so glad that I am part of this community.

[Radcliff]

"Splitting" is an excellent book.  Good move to give it to your lawyer.  You might consider posting over on the Family Law board for support from this community for your custody case.

You pretty much described all the recommended self-care and stress management best practices in your last post!  It sounds like you're doing a huge amount to stay healthy and centered.  With all of your learning, what shifts in your approach have been the most helpful to you, compared to before you started learning about BPD?

RC

[pausercell]

Hey Radcliff,

Thanks for asking.  I’m am more mindful of responding and  not reacting provocations.  Before I had a better understanding of BPD and what it really was I found myself jumping the minute that I saw my ex shifting her mood or her attitudes towards me.  I think that trying to strict discipline of going NC or as close to it as I can has been helpful because it really allows me to work on myself and heal from the trauma that was my marriage.  I’ve learned to be patient with myself and not to allow myself to fall into a spiral every time she does something that is intended to frustrate or hurt me.  She has contacted me back and her messages have a civil friendly tone, but I know that this is just one of the way she charms, so I am keeping my guard up and not falling into the trap
Of believing that this time it’ll be better or that maybe shes changed for the better.  I hesitate to say I’ve given up all hope for her but I am not hesitant to say I know that our relationship and marriage are over.  I’m allowing myself to grieve and learning to let go.  That’s hard when you’ve known this person for nearly half your life.  But I am cementing the notion that most of what I thought I had and the relationship that I believe I had was an illusion based on my perception of things and not on reality.  Also, I’m learning to accept reality more and that helps calm me down because for so long I’ve lived in an existence that was untethered from reality.  Learning about BPD at first was like an awakening, then being aware of it and seeing how it was truly impacting me became terrifying, but now I can use what I’ve learned to accept what is truly at the core of my wife’s illness.  It helps me get to my ultimate goal off forgiving her and creating a new life without her.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Radcliff]

Detaching, grieving, learning not to be reactive, letting go of false hope, developing empathy, working on forgiveness, you are doing a lot of good work! 

Have you had any chances to use the relationship coping tools taught here to better work with your ex as a coparent?

RC