Fear of saying the wrong things

[WillLoveWin]

Any strategy ideas regarding getting my daughter to start therapy again would be welcome.  I just started reading the “BPD New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells” book but can tell I don’t have the skills that I need yet.  I have a chance of influencing my 24 year old daughter to start therapy again. She responded well two years ago when she was in an inpatient program.  But we are 2000 miles apart and calls/texts are the communication medium.  There is no one else living by her that I can enlist.

She’s behaving in a way that is dangerous for her and possibly her family because of the man she has chosen for her latest abusive boyfriend.  The boyfriend per her (and lies are part of the difficulty) has threatened us if she doesn’t behave as he requires.  He has family members in gangs close to her family so carrying out threats is possible.   He has left town for an uncertain time because of legal matters.  She comes from a heritage of law enforcement so her behavior is alienating her extended family.  If she can’t stop this dangerous behavior, all of us will need to disconnect with her to protect ourselves.  And just hope she is alive when she hits rock bottom and decides to try to get help.

Since the boyfriend, and hopefully his cash, are out of the picture, I feel I have an opportunity to try to help.  But she has to want help first. 

Ideas on how to influence her to want therapy are welcome.  I’m afraid of saying the wrong things. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Well I am certain you are just terrified right about now .  We are here for you and are glad you reached out to us.  Your daughter is 24 so while you can reach out, she also has the power ( and unfortunately ,the right) to refuse your guidance/ help.  I think you will have to be mentally prepared for that. Please, by all means lay it out for her in simple sentences: her life is dangerous for you as well as for her.  If she doesn't get help, for your safety you will have to leave her be. 
That is terrifying , I know, but that is the sad reality.  Unless she has come to you saying " I need help"  this will be a 50-50 chance of getting her the help she needs. While you are doing that, please please put yourself first and take care of you, as this is a life threatening situation for you both.  " Walking in Eggshells" states the first order of business in taking care of the adult BPD is to take care of you first. 

Please write back to us as you are able.  You are not alone.  We all are in various stages of either helping our adult BPD ( as they allow)  or helping ourselves due to the adult BPD living in a life threatening way.

[WillLoveWin]

Thank you for the quick reply.  It was really helpful to reinforce that it’s okay to step away.  My expectations at this point don’t factor into her life choices.  I can offer to help but she will do as she wishes.    I will protect myself and other family members. 

Thanks again.

[Swimmy55]

Feel free to post as you journey through this.  Some days will be harder than others. We are here for you.