New here and feeling lost

[R2D2]

Hi. I'm not really sure how to do this or if there are rules for posts, and it feels really strange to be writing this out on the internet when I've kept it private from most people in my life. The long and short of it is, my sister seems to have a lot of symptoms of BPD, though she has never been formally diagnosed. She does have a depression diagnosis for which she is taking medication.

For me, our relationship has come to look like spending a huge amount of time (usually hours) messaging her back and forth on Facebook Messenger throughout the day, receiving her complaints and outrages and general inability to cope with life. She doesn't lash out at me, but she tells me all about how much she hates everyone else - when she isn't telling me how much she loves them. It's getting to the point that I feel like a garbage dump for her to throw all her negativity in, and I don't even know how to respond anymore. In general I have tried to be empathetic, but I'm drained of all empathy and tired of hearing about how someone else ruined her life when it was really HER choices. I try to validate her emotions, but that's getting to be a lot too. I'm on the up and down of her mood rollercoaster constantly, and my husband is starting to lose patience with the fact that I'm only fine if she's fine. I hate it too.

Sometimes I mute my Messenger app, but then I feel terribly guilty and wonder if she needs me, and if it will be my fault if she hurts herself. I am in a codependent cycle of checking on her constantly, when she was last active online and whether she slept through her alarm. Last school year, I even stayed up messaging her at all hours of the night while she pulled several all-nighters to finish homework assignments because she had put them off till the last minute. I know I can't keep doing this, but I'm scared of what setting boundaries could mean. We have such a wonderful time when we are together in person, and we've always been very close, but the incessant text diatribe is killing me. There's no back-and-forth, no interest in what's going on with me - and at this point I don't feel comfortable sharing much with her voluntarily, because I never know what could be triggering, and I do know there are times when she resents me for having a "good" life, from her point of view.

She was in therapy for a short time last year, but she quit after she got fed up with her psychotherapist trying to actually address some of her real issues. (I don't know if he was trained to deal with BPD though.)

Not sure what I'm trying to say, except that I need help. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm overreacting and maybe she doesn't have BPD at all, this is just how she is. Sometimes I think I'll speak to her about it directly, but I have no idea how to say "I can't handle all your complaining" without sounding petty or like a bad friend, or without sending her into a shame spiral. I'm just lost and I don't know what the right thing to do is.

PS. I am also in therapy, which is helpful, but an hour every two weeks hasn't really gotten me there yet. Wherever "there" is.

[ColdKnight]

Hi and welcome,

Glad you chose to reach out.

Two books I highly recommend:

Stop Walking on Eggshells and

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

I had never heard of BPD until I met my ex and both of these books are very helpful

[Harri]

Hi! 

I want to join ColdKnight in saying welcome to the site.  I am glad you posted for support.  It can feel strange to do so at fist but it gets easier over time.  You are in the right place for support as you navigate your way to perhaps changing/improving the way you interact with your sister.  The books ColdKnight recommended are good ones to read if you can.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, except that I need help. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm overreacting and maybe she doesn't have BPD at all, this is just how she is. Sometimes I think I'll speak to her about it directly, but I have no idea how to say "I can't handle all your complaining" without sounding petty or like a bad friend, or without sending her into a shame spiral. I'm just lost and I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Many of us who post here are here because of someone without the diagnosis of BPD.  We can't really diagnose anyone as it can be very complex to do so.  What we focus on instead is behaviors and learning coping strategies and communication tools to improve things when we can.

I'm on the up and down of her mood rollercoaster constantly, and my husband is starting to lose patience with the fact that I'm only fine if she's fine. I hate it too.

A lot of us do this.   It seems to be especially common with people who were raised in or around dysfunction.  Did your sister display these same sort of behaviors in your childhood? 

Boundaries can be difficult to use to begin with but over time it gets easier and as one of our Admins says, boundaries become a way of life.  A big part of us her on the PSI board (Parent, sibling and In-Law) is learning to tolerate our own distress at the thought of triggering our pwBPD (person with BPD).  We can talk about that more if you want.  I don't want to take your thread in a direction you do not want to go.

anyway, I hope you settle in and read and post more.  Jump into threads too as that is a great way to build a support system and learn things that can help yu as well.

Again, .

[TelHill]

Last school year, I even stayed up messaging her at all hours of the night while she pulled several all-nighters to finish homework assignments because she had put them off till the last minute. I know I can't keep doing this, but I'm scared of what setting boundaries could mean. We have such a wonderful time when we are together in person, and we've always been very close, but the incessant text diatribe is killing me. There's no back-and-forth, no interest in what's going on with me - and at this point I don't feel comfortable sharing much with her voluntarily, because I never know what could be triggering, and I do know there are times when she resents me for having a "good" life, from her point of view.

Hi, welcome!

My bpd parent was diagnosed five years ago, though she has always had bpd issues as long as I remember.

I am echoing that there are many great resources on this site.  I am going through them myself as I build stronger boundaries myself. You are not alone here. Please post as often as you need.

Take care!

[R2D2]

 A lot of us do this.   It seems to be especially common with people who were raised in or around dysfunction.  Did your sister display these same sort of behaviors in your childhood?  

We definitely come from a dysfunctional family, although of course we had no idea of that at the time. My sister and I were pretty much inseparable as children, so I don't know if I would have noticed these behaviors so much, although in adolescence the moodiness and need to walk on eggshells began to take shape. I'm beginning to see the narcissistic traits in my dad and the extreme codependency in my mom, as well as the depression and OCD present in all my siblings. So yeah...there's a lot there.

 A big part of us her on the PSI board (Parent, sibling and In-Law) is learning to tolerate our own distress at the thought of triggering our pwBPD (person with BPD).  We can talk about that more if you want.  I don't want to take your thread in a direction you do not want to go.

I really didn't have a direction in mind, as I'm just overwhelmed and not sure where to head from here. I would love to learn more about tolerating my distress. That definitely seems to be a big issue for me... it feels easier to keep the status quo than to face what might happen if I set boundaries. I am currently reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is how I found this forum. So far, I'm not sure how to apply what I'm learning, because my uBPD does have so many of the traits but doesn't present quite the way many of the book's examples do. She has never, to my knowledge, gone into any kind of rage or hatred toward me, but she doesn't necessarily shower me with adoration either -- I feel sometimes that I am just her one constant, the thing that has always been there for her, even when we were little kids. She is younger than me so maybe there's a bit of younger sibling fear/awe/respect there still as well?

Anyway, thank you so much, Harri, TelHill, and ColdKnight for your warm welcomes and helpful words!