I got fired today

[JNChell]

4th supervisor in two years. He’s a very smart guy in the field. I’m still trying to unravel what went down. My only interaction with him today was him going off on me from the get go. I did my best to not react to him. I remember telling him that he’s my boss but he can’t talk to me like that. Then I said that I will talk to him, but not like that and walked away. Next thing I know, I’m getting fired. I tried to use the tools, but I couldn’t focus with the onslaught I was receiving. I simply tried to walk away. Now I’m jobless. I don’t understand what happened. I’m good at what I do. After I knew I was being fired I reacted. I called my boss an  :cursing:hole. I told him that he would see how  :cursing:ed he is without me there.

The dude wanted a fight. A physical one. He was throwing things and getting too close for comfort. At one point I told him to stay away from me because I would’ve reacted poorly if he kept it up. I didn’t do anything wrong. If I did I would admit it here. But I didn’t do anything wrong. Some dude lost his cool, I walked away and got fired for insubordination. Things were going good there, or so I thought. When does this PLEASE READ end?

[Longterm]

Hi JNChell

I'm sorry to hear about your job loss, I had something similar happen several years ago.

I think its important to take the positives from this situation, number 1 being you didn't lose your cool, that could of made things much worse for you. Your ability to control yourself here is commendable.

He should not be throwing things or getting close to you when you have asked him to stay away, that is clear intimidation. It is more than reasonable that you feel upset and wronged right now. Can you appeal the decision in anyway? It all sounds really unfair.

LT.

[JNChell]

Thanks LT. I gave my statement to HR. I’m on good terms with the HR manager, but he has a job to do. He helped me load up my tool boxes.

It’s all upper management. I’m replaceable. Nothing to appeal.

I kept my cool, but I’ll be honest here, I wanted to send his talking jaw to Pluto. Maybe this is supposed to be a learning moment for me. I’m tired of learning sometimes LT. Today has been a test. I’m calm and collected. I’ll figure this out.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, JNChell, but it sounds like that if this organization supports their supervisors in leadership practices that are hardly exemplary, and shows no appreciation or support for their employees, then you might be better off working for an organization with different values.

Something better might be waiting just around the corner for you.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  I am so sorry to hear this.  I know things were going well for you there.  This has to be difficult and confusing.

What do you need from us now?  How can we help?

[TelHill]

I'm really, really sorry this happened to you. In some states, this is something you could sue the company for and win.

However, it takes time and effort. You need a job in the meanwhile.

These things happen to everyone. It happened to me years ago, my first job out of school, with a crazy boss.  It's not unusual. Normal people, non-personality disordered people, choose to be tyrants at work, at home, with store help, etc.

We're thinking good thoughts for you.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear you got fired. I don't quite know what to say and I hope whatever I write here is of some help. When we have been abused, it is unbearable to be abused by another. Unfortunately, there are situations in which we are a subordinate and then the choices are limited about how empowered we will feel if we stand up to the abuser who can do more things to hurt us than we can do to them. It is so hard to know what is the right response in a situation like this, as it depends on the individual and every situation is different. What do you like about the ways you responded and do you think there is anything you might do differently next time?
I like to think of myself as a work in progress when it comes to effectively responding to being abused. I know that as I make better choices about whom I choose to interact with and the situations I choose to put myself in, I am more effectively able to deal with being abused and it takes me less time to recover from each incidence.
What kind of person would you like to work for in the future? I find that as I get better at spotting the signs of abuse, the more I turn down situations that I would be unhappy with. On several occasions after spotting a potential future abusive boss in an interview, I have stated right then and there that I did not want the job. Keep working on seeing people for who they are as you continue on your journey, and you will indeed find another job where you are treated with respect and kindness.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.   I am thinking of you.   

Don't pull away too far from us okay?

[JNChell]

Hello, IAR. Thanks for showing up here. I appreciate it.

I'm so sorry, JNChell, but it sounds like that if this organization supports their supervisors in leadership practices that are hardly exemplary, and shows no appreciation or support for their employees, then you might be better off working for an organization with different values.

Thank you. The place has a different culture that I’ve never really experienced before. There’s a tight knit “buddy system” there. It’s kind of hard to explain, but most employees there are aware of it. What really made this evident to me was when I was officially being terminated by the HR Manager. He called my supervisor and I into the supervisor’s office and the supervisor was still being openly aggressive. Breathing heavily, wide eyed and still swelled up. I again took a step back and told him that he needs to stop with the aggressiveness. He started cussing loudly at me again. The HR Manager told him to step out of the office 3 times before he finally did. I gave my side of altercation. This is the kicker. HR told me that it was very clear to him that my boss was being aggressive, but that it’s within the company culture (unwritten) to protect supervision. He told me to please use him for a reference while trying to find new employment. It’s hard to wrap my head around that. The person that was officially firing me told me to use him as a reference. He helped me load my things into my truck, I shook his hand and that was that.

I hope that I will find a company with better values. The biggest one being fairness. Thanks again Redeemed.

[JNChell]

Hi Harri and thank you. I’m not pulling away. I appreciate this place too much to do that. A new friend actually made the trip and stayed with me for a few days. It was nice to just hang out and go out for some fresh air and talk.

I’m not really sure if I really need anything from you all. The support is great so please don’t take don’t take that statement wrong. The validation is nice, but I’m able to validate myself on this so I guess that’s a positive. Perhaps this needed to happen so I can really see where I’m at with myself as compared to how I probably would’ve reacted in the past. I’m not freaking out, it’s not the end of the world, I’m safe and for the most part everything is fine. I’ll admit that I’m pretty uncomfortable with becoming unemployed out of the blue, but I have a plan in place and hopefully the majority of that plan will come together. Thanks for checking in Harri

[JNChell]

Hey there, TelHill Glad you chimed in here.

In some states, this is something you could sue the company for and win.

My best friend mentioned this as well. I’ve thought about it a bit, and I don’t feel that this is something I’d want to pursue. It almost feels like I’d be adding something negative to my plate, and I’ve been doing a lot of work to try to remove negative things from my life. I’m still rolling the thought over, but I’m not sure if I want to invest my energy in trying to win a lawsuit against a corporation. I imagine that the success rate for a terminated employee is fairly low, and I’ve heard that once the cat is out of the bag that I went after an employer like that, it can be difficult to find gainful employment.

I’m sorry that you had to experience something similar. It’s kind of a catch 22. Once that impulse hits them and their mind is made up on the spot, there’s really nothing you can say or do to avoid that outcome.

[JNChell]

Hey, z! Nice to see you.

When we have been abused, it is unbearable to be abused by another. Unfortunately, there are situations in which we are a subordinate and then the choices are limited about how empowered we will feel if we stand up to the abuser who can do more things to hurt us than we can do to them.

I’m glad that you said this because this is how the situation felt. I’ll admit that I had a burning feeling of “how dare you” inside of me. I didn’t let it out, but I was very aware of it.

It is so hard to know what is the right response in a situation like this, as it depends on the individual and every situation is different. What do you like about the ways you responded and do you think there is anything you might do differently next time?

I like the fact that I didn’t really react. I tried to set an immediate boundary that obviously failed, but I like the fact that I was aware enough to go to the tools first, or at least try. I guess that I feel a bit principled in how I responded. Albeit, once he told me that he was firing me I told him a couple of things that I shouldn’t have. It wouldn’t have mattered one way or another if I had said those things or not, but I shouldn’t have said them. That’s a clear indicator that I still have work to do. Honestly, I hope that there isn’t a next time, but if there is, I hope to have my wits about me enough so that I can look back on this experience and try not to do what didn’t work. Instead of immediately throwing up a wall and walking away to try to halt the conflict, maybe trying to speak calmly, listen intently (empathy) and respond with empathy instead of instantly going into a defensive mode. I understand how my walking away to protect myself was viewed by him as me being insubordinate. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

What kind of person would you like to work for in the future?

That’s a good question. Preferably someone that isn’t a hot head. Someone that is very skilled in my trade, has an open mind and allows me to learn new skills from them. I learned a lot from the supervisor that fired me in a very short amount of time. He’s brilliant when it comes to the trade. The incident that I described here was an escalation now that I look back on it. He would become easily agitated at first. As the escalation increased he’d become very stern. As it rose more he began to cuss and raise his voice, then onto throwing things. Once it hit that point, he would come back 10 minutes later being cheerful and cutting up like nothing happened. It eventually climaxed when I got fired. What I just described happened over a couple of weeks. I asked a work friend a couple of times what he thought was happening and explained to him that I’m not sure if I can work like that. That I thought the supervisor was escalating with these behaviors. Well, I guess I can’t work under those conditions.

[zachira]

JNChell,
As I read all you have written about getting fired, I see that you are doing everything you can to get a new job and already have in mind what kind of boss you would like to have. For much of history, man has lived in small groups and everybody knew everybody, so there was little reward in trying to fool people into thinking that you were not who you really are.The challenge is to get a good read on someone you may just briefly meet for a job interview. Everything I have read about successful healthy relationships, says it is about paying attention and understanding what is going on inside you, rather than trying to figure out who the other person really is: Is this person a genuinely nice fair person or just pretending to be for the job interview and/or until things don't go their way? I look a lot at body language. Is the body language congruent? Is the smile genuine or are their lips only smiling while their eyes tell a different story? How do I feel inside about how this person is presenting himself/herself? I think this can be difficult for those of us who have a history of being abused, as we often do not trust our feelings and do not know how to read the other person's obvious signals telling us who he/she truly is in the worst of times and how their behaviors make us feel now or could make us feel in a future working relationship. With time and practice, you will get better at getting a truly accurate gut feeling and following it. In the meantime, you may have to depend more on looking at the exterior signals to decide whether you want to work at this company.
One of my favorite questions that I use for job interviews is to ask eveyone on the panel what kind of person would be their ideal candidate for this job. I ask this question any time when it seems appropriate during the interview, even at the end when I feel I need to hear the true feelings of those on the panel. One time I did this on a phone interview, and the boss was furious, yet reluctantly let everyone answer, and what they said indirectly indicated that she was a terrible person to work for. Wishing you all the best in finding a new job, and one that you really love while working with people you respect and who bring out the best in others.