My bpd ex...broke me...and all I think of is that she left because of me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post and I so devastated...this is long.

I was so in love with my bpd ex and I still just blame myself that I wasn’t good enough to keep her. We talked about marriage, even with her 13 year old daughter…..I was involved with every aspect of her life…met her entire family and even went with her back home to Ohio a couple of times and told me I was the most handsome, sexiest man, the sex was unlike anything she has ever had…that she had never felt so loved and never felt so close to someone….and we had so much fun. She said she could tell me anything and then could just break up with me and act as if I never existed….using the silent treatment and seemed not care how much I hurt…..there was so much splitting and black and white thinking, it was beyond heartbreaking. I would be there for her whenever she needed me and when I needed almost anything in ways of wanting to feel connected when I was scared or needing her, she told me I was selfish and I couldn’t hold myself and I wasn’t good for her or daughter…in these absolute statements and would break up with me constantly in the year and a half we were together. She always accused me of having ulterior motives for loving her and could never tell me what they were…I loved this woman in ways I have never loved anyone. There is so much to say…I am completely overwhelmed and heartbroken and I feel like I am insane. I definitely experienced a psychotic and paranoid side to her that was very frightening…but I loved her just the same… She once told me “I was born with something missing and everyone has known I am emotionally and mentally sick but me and all I do is hurt people and unfortunately for both of us you are in the cross fire” I talked to her for two hours about how horribly she felt about herself, she said she never has been felt so loved and cared for…. I would of always stuck by her…when I wanted to come by for a hug and a kiss 3 days later she broke up with me because I was “violating” her space and boundaries…the push/pull dynamics were beyond crazing making and there was so much that hurt me and I just was trying to love her and stay connected…which she just seemed to always use against me and never ever asked if I am ok or what I needed….I wanted to give her what she needed but it felt like I had to give up myself to do that….and then when I needed her she punished me and push away and could just watch me burn. I am bawling writing this….i can’t believe she could just walk away like I was nothing. Was this all a lie? Did I mean nothing? I am sorry it is just so devastating. I know on some level she is deeply sick but I just can’t let her go and I would always love her….and in the end she just wanted to get away from me as if I was such a bad person, which absolutely kills me. This is all the tip of the iceberg..I couldn’t possibly say everything. I am seeing two different therapist and I know I have been broken in a way I didn’t think was possible. If anyone can talk out here I would appreciate it.      somedays I don’t feel like I am going to make it... i feel like I am going insane. I thought I found the love of my life and she always said I was…and then could shut it all off…in almost a moment and I became almost evil to her…like I was abusive and awful….when I just loved her and her daughter…am I perfect?….GOD NO…but I always tried so hard…in the last week I knew her we made love twice and shared all this deep stuff and I saw her on a Monday we were kissing passionately and hugging and talking and laughing and then she just flipped on me and said how awful I was for wanting to come and be with her the Wednesday night before and I don’t care about her and I will never be able to put my needs aside…..in this absolute BLACK AND WHITE WAY……..It was completely irrational and unfair and I tried to listen and also say how I was feeling….and she broke up with me 3 days later…in 3 sentences through text….and I never heard from her again after talking about future plans that Monday too…..can’t believe any of this…we were both 47 years old…..and I thought I found the person who appreciated me for all I am…..flaws and all. Because I certainly loved her that way….. it just swirls in my head and I keep coming back to the fear I needed too much and required too much emotional holding and connection. I know I struggling with hating myself in some ways….. but I always strive to more deeply understand myself and others….and she told me that is what she loved about me the most….was my sensitivity, awareness and vulnerability ….me being emotionally articulate and my struggle and that she felt so understood and loved and then would turn around tell me I was too much and she needed her space and distance…and then tell me how selfish I was when all I wanted and needed was to be close or know she was emotionally there….she said she wanted to meet me in the middle but she never did…..the middle meant I had to give up everything I needed and the when I did need her when it was not convenient for her she would call me selfish…….she used everything against me as ammunition never to know more about me or herself….and that I was JUST untrustworthy and really the problem…in these absolute ways…and not good for her. I just don’t know how to process this...I broke contact yesterday and she was mean and didn’t even ask if I was alright she just blamed me that I was insecure  and possessive and tired to control her...took no responsibility that my insecurity had something to do with her constantly breaking up with me and looking at other men constantly in front on me...and even going on tinder when we weren’t broken up and once when she broke up with me telling me she needs to focus on herself and went out on a date and then we go back together two weeks later...help! .

[Shanel2515]

This is my first post and I so devastated...this is long.

I was so in love with my bpd ex and I still just blame myself that I wasn’t good enough to keep her. We talked about marriage, even with her 13 year old daughter…..I was involved with every aspect of her life…met her entire family and even went with her back home to Ohio a couple of times and told me I was the most handsome, sexiest man, the sex was unlike anything she has ever had…that she had never felt so loved and never felt so close to someone….and we had so much fun. She said she could tell me anything and then could just break up with me and act as if I never existed….using the silent treatment and seemed not care how much I hurt…..there was so much splitting and black and white thinking, it was beyond heartbreaking. I would be there for her whenever she needed me and when I needed almost anything in ways of wanting to feel connected when I was scared or needing her, she told me I was selfish and I couldn’t hold myself and I wasn’t good for her or daughter…in these absolute statements and would break up with me constantly in the year and a half we were together. She always accused me of having ulterior motives for loving her and could never tell me what they were…I loved this woman in ways I have never loved anyone. There is so much to say…I am completely overwhelmed and heartbroken and I feel like I am insane. I definitely experienced a psychotic and paranoid side to her that was very frightening…but I loved her just the same… She once told me “I was born with something missing and everyone has known I am emotionally and mentally sick but me and all I do is hurt people and unfortunately for both of us you are in the cross fire” I talked to her for two hours about how horribly she felt about herself, she said she never has been felt so loved and cared for…. I would of always stuck by her…when I wanted to come by for a hug and a kiss 3 days later she broke up with me because I was “violating” her space and boundaries…the push/pull dynamics were beyond crazing making and there was so much that hurt me and I just was trying to love her and stay connected…which she just seemed to always use against me and never ever asked if I am ok or what I needed….I wanted to give her what she needed but it felt like I had to give up myself to do that….and then when I needed her she punished me and push away and could just watch me burn. I am bawling writing this….i can’t believe she could just walk away like I was nothing. Was this all a lie? Did I mean nothing? I am sorry it is just so devastating. I know on some level she is deeply sick but I just can’t let her go and I would always love her….and in the end she just wanted to get away from me as if I was such a bad person, which absolutely kills me. This is all the tip of the iceberg..I couldn’t possibly say everything. I am seeing two different therapist and I know I have been broken in a way I didn’t think was possible. If anyone can talk out here I would appreciate it.      somedays I don’t feel like I am going to make it... i feel like I am going insane. I thought I found the love of my life and she always said I was…and then could shut it all off…in almost a moment and I became almost evil to her…like I was abusive and awful….when I just loved her and her daughter…am I perfect?….GOD NO…but I always tried so hard…in the last week I knew her we made love twice and shared all this deep stuff and I saw her on a Monday we were kissing passionately and hugging and talking and laughing and then she just flipped on me and said how awful I was for wanting to come and be with her the Wednesday night before and I don’t care about her and I will never be able to put my needs aside…..in this absolute BLACK AND WHITE WAY……..It was completely irrational and unfair and I tried to listen and also say how I was feeling….and she broke up with me 3 days later…in 3 sentences through text….and I never heard from her again after talking about future plans that Monday too…..can’t believe any of this…we were both 47 years old…..and I thought I found the person who appreciated me for all I am…..flaws and all. Because I certainly loved her that way….. it just swirls in my head and I keep coming back to the fear I needed too much and required too much emotional holding and connection. I know I struggling with hating myself in some ways….. but I always strive to more deeply understand myself and others….and she told me that is what she loved about me the most….was my sensitivity, awareness and vulnerability ….me being emotionally articulate and my struggle and that she felt so understood and loved and then would turn around tell me I was too much and she needed her space and distance…and then tell me how selfish I was when all I wanted and needed was to be close or know she was emotionally there….she said she wanted to meet me in the middle but she never did…..the middle meant I had to give up everything I needed and the when I did need her when it was not convenient for her she would call me selfish…….she used everything against me as ammunition never to know more about me or herself….and that I was JUST untrustworthy and really the problem…in these absolute ways…and not good for her. I just don’t know how to process this...I broke contact yesterday and she was mean and didn’t even ask if I was alright she just blamed me that I was insecure  and possessive and tired to control her...took no responsibility that my insecurity had something to do with her constantly breaking up with me and looking at other men constantly in front on me...and even going on tinder when we weren’t broken up and once when she broke up with me telling me she needs to focus on herself and went out on a date and then we go back together two weeks later...help! .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Shanel2515,



I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site. The intensity of a borderline r/s is difficult with the high peaks and the low lows. It feels like you can’t get off this emotional rollercoaster, it’s really hard being in the spot that you’re in right now. You are not alone.

Members here share similar stories and can offer you advice and support. It sounds like you’re doing the right things with getting help from the T’s and reaching out to a support group and establishing no contact - did the T’s suggest that?

I just want to offer an alternative and I’m not saying to do it, everyone’s situation is different so use what suits your situation and aligns with you. 

I would suggest controlled contact or minimal contact have some contact but don’t give personal  information like how you’re feeling or how she’s feeling just nonchalant low key conversation and space it out. It will help with your anxiety.

[Shanel2515]

Thank you for your response...I caved after 2 months of NC and she hurt me even more...My bpd ex….who made love to me twice in the last week I knew her and talked about all this deep stuff with me and even future plans of being together and flipped out of me and broke up with me through text with 3 sentences and I never heard from her again after a year and half of being together talking about marriage and being involved with her daughter’s life…you name it ..I finally called her yesterday and she is already seeing someone else already and probably had him already lined up….and she never even asked me how I was she blamed me for the whole thing…she told me I was possessive and controlling and insecure and lacking confidence…but no mention of her constantly breaking up with me or her looking at other men constantly in front on me that hurt me…it was just me..her being on tinder even went when we weren’t broken up…that wouldn’t undermine someone confidence and make some feel insecure….she also talked about her own insecurities many times before but I am just the problem….i am even more crushed…I have never known someone who seems to lack any sense of empathy and I am 47..and so is she…I just wasted a year and a half changing my life for someone who never even cared about me and she put her 13 year old daughter through so much with this too…I was always the bad guy when all I did was try to love her…did I make mistakes sure but I was always loving and patient and caring and every time she needed me I was there and every time I needed her she was no where to be found and told me I was selfish and I could put my needs aside. She told me to stop contacting her how can this be happening?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I’m so sorry for the pain you are feeling. To trust so much, try so hard, and feel betrayed. Do you think she us projecting her shortcomings onto you? How did you deal with the silent treatment?

Glad you found this board. You are not alone.
Lifeinthefastlane

[Shanel2515]

I don’t know what she is doing...I think she projecting so much  on to me...but what is so hard to deal with...is her attacks seem logical but unfair and in such a black and white absolute way. Also,  as if how she has treated me has nothing to do with my reactions...It is difficult when she has told me basically how cruel and sick she is and how all she does is hurt other people and can turn her feelings on and off...told me I had ulterior motives for loving her...then that seemed to all go away and everything was just became my fault...the silent treatments were horrifying we could be close the day before and make love and be so intimate and then something would happen...and maybe I would get scared and she would get overwhelmed and just shove me away...and I would completely panic and try to reach out to her and beg her to talk...and she would just watch me burn in hurt and agony...and now to be told I am this possessive and controlling person and I am insecure and lacking confidence, there is so much she did to make me feel this way...I never felt like I could just rely on her if things went badly...I just became the enemy...when she has done so much to hurt me and I now feel like maybe she never cared for me at all...which I can’t believe...I was always there for her when she needed me or falling apart in some way...when she felt so scared...but when I needed her she she just seemed to get engulfed and I was a problem...and then I felt completely abandoned...I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I just can’t believe I mean nothing to her now. She told me the week before she didn’t want to hurt me or put me through so much and she said how much she loved me and how much we have and how happy I make her and now everything just feels like a lie...I felt like I had everything I wanted and now I feel like I have lost the love of a lifetime and she just moved on like it was nothing and I am just this bad guy when she would always tell me how loving and caring I was but not anymore...

[Shanel2515]

I also thought I was building a life with her and she said she wanted to and a month before she discarded me we were in her sisters kitchen in Ohio and her sister asked if she was going to move and she looked at me and said “yes we are going to probably” as in me and her daughter and her...she told her daughter me and her were going to get married all the time and all 3 of us talked about it at a birthday dinner...and now I am nothing and I am this piece of PLEASE READ to her now..and she doesn’t even care and maybe she never did...I don’t know what to believe anymore.

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear friend... welcome to our community.  I’m so sorry.  The pain and confusion you’re feeling is so similar to what is felt by so MANY new members when they first come here.

A really sad part in your situation is that your GF had some awareness of her illness and how she treated people, and yet she chose NOT to do anything about it.  That’s on her.  What she did to you, she’s likely done to every man before you and she’ll continue to do.  And she’ll continue to search to fill that emptiness inside herself.  No one will be able to “love her” to wellness.  Or fix her.

This site is filled with information that will help you understand the evolution of your BPD relationship and will help you understand BPD itself.  I encourage you to read all you can.  This will help you to begin healing.  To her “FEELINGS = FACT”.  No matter what the real truth is... she’ll alter the narrative, the truth, to match her feelings.  Thus, the projection you see.  YOU have to be the “bad” guy in her eyes.   You’re NOT the bad guy.  I’m sorry...

My friend, you DO see things in her you didn’t like.  She was not there for you.  You could NOT rely on her.  Why?  How would that be good for you in the long run?  Why is it okay for the relationship to be only about what SHE needs?

Do you journal?  If not, perhaps now is a good time to start.  I found journaling to be a great way to get stream of consciousness thoughts out, with no worries of grammar or politeness.  To really get to the bottom of my feelings.  Writings just for me... no forethought , just writing.  And when you come back and read your own thoughts, you’ll get some eye-opening realizations.

Finally, self-care.  Whatever it takes... take care of yourself.  Sleep, eat, exercise, walks, see your friends, your family, talk to your T’s, be honest with yourself about her behavior and yours.  Learn who you are.  These relationships can FORCE us to really SEE ourselves for the first time.  Mine did. 

Shanel-  I know this sounds odd, but this pain was the BEST thing that ever happened to me.  It forced me to learn who I was and to do MY work (in the last year and a half).  I’m 61.  I had lived through a 19-year emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist (bad man), before I entered my BPD Relationship.

You are vital and you’re WORTH taking care of.  Please know that.  Keep posting, sharing your story and learning.  You ARE going to be better than okay, with her or not.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[gadget]

Hi Shanel,

Your story sound much like mine.  My wife of 30 years left me almost 4 months ago now.  Said I have no intention of coming back. Then later said “We’ll, I didn’t say never ever”.   Being here on this forum, going to therapy, talking to friends and family, reading books, meditation all help.

But I know what you mean.  I’m better but still feel deep down as you do.  How could she turn off 30 years like I didn’t mean a thing.  It helps to understand BPD is a mental illness.  So much of their actions really aren’t their own.  Like an evil clone of who you used to know and love.

Hang in there!

Gadget

[Shanel2515]

Thank you for your responses, I hate that she is the first thought in my head and all I think about all day long right now...and she she is already with someone else...the thought of her kissing another man, making love with him and being in the arms of another man kills me...and that she blamed me for everything...that I am this possessive, controlling and insecure, lacking confidence and I tried to control her life and she can’t live that way...she would always blame me when she broke up with me which was 10 times in the last year...I just keep aiming it at myself...I don’t know what to believe anymore...I don’t know how I could just be forgotten...sometimes I just want to end my life...that I can’t make it through this. All I do is cry.

[Shanel2515]

Sometimes I worry...that maybe she isn’t disordered at all...and it really is just me...that is why I lost her:.:that her attacks on me are valid and legitimate and I ruin this and I lost the love of my life because of me, because I am too much, need to much and because of my own behavior...

[ColdKnight]

It’s not you. She told you exactly what she was. The problem is her actions did not match her words so you didn’t believe her. No one can blame you for that.

There is a quote I’ve seen here a few times that is something like “when someone tells you what they are, believe them”

I don’t know who said it but in my experience it certainly is the case. It’s not you. It her. Trust me. I felt the same way. I kept trying to justify her actions by putting it on me.

In a way we are exhibiting BPD traits ourselves. We are projecting their problems upon ourselves because we cannot stand to believe they are the person they truly are and not the person we fell in love with.

We have split them “white”. Emotion has taken over and it is not allowing us to see the bad in them because we just don’t want to believe it. Logic matters not at this point because emotion is running the show.

Just like when they split us “black”. Emotion has taken over and they can no longer see the good in us. Whatever the reason, we didn’t return a text soon enough for instance, has caused their emotions to go overboard and completely override logic.

I believe they know in their head we are not bad people but in their heart we are bad and when emotion takes over it will push logic and reason right out the door almost everytime.

You are running on high emotion right now and even though you know it was not you that caused this, you are projecting her onto yourself because you can’t believe this about her.

[madmac27]

I'm new here and in crisis mode as well Shanell. I actually stopped reading because your story is so scary similar to mine I started to get anxiety. I can't offer what everyone else is in the way of support and advice. (At least not at that level). My dbpdwife has just left me as well so I know how you feel. On every front. All I can offer you is what is working for me with the limited knowledge I have...

- Self care is EVERYTHING for me right now. Exercise, drinking lots of water, balanced diet. Healthy body, healthy mind. It  helps take the edge off
-I know she is gone but I have purchased the book "Stop walking on eggshells" there is some really good stuff in here.
-Information on what you were dealing with I found for me to be crucial
- Counselling, counselling, counselling. One on one for me is vital to be able to get through this I am finding out.
- This website, these people are amazing. Not just the compassion and advice. I have been reading as many posts as possible. I always seem to find something that makes me feel just a bit better. Your story is a great example. It shows me that there are others going through similar situations. While no two are exactly alike, I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my own situation.
- You're hurting. I 100% understand, I feel like my world is falling apart, but I know I am  not alone now. I know I am not crazy, I know none of this is my fault . Stay close to these people (us).

I hoped that helped, if only a little.

MM

 

[DragoN]

we were both 47 years old

Not your first rodeo either.

[pest947]

"In a way we are exhibiting BPD traits ourselves. We are projecting their problems upon ourselves because we cannot stand to believe they are the person they truly are and not the person we fell in love with.

We have split them “white”. Emotion has taken over and it is not allowing us to see the bad in them because we just don’t want to believe it. Logic matters not at this point because emotion is running the show."


So well Said! I never thought of it that way, but you are completely right. It goes along with all the reading I did with my own pwBPD experience. I read we(folks that accept/accepted this behavior) are broke in the same way as our pwBPD. Only we learned to cope by scooping up all the negative stuff about our parent/partner, Etc and scooping it in a box, projecting it inward instead of outward like our pwBPD and overlooking it all beyond logic. Painting them white so we could continue to love them despite all the bad behavior and treatment we received.

[Shanel2515]

But the things for me...is her attacks on me are so logical all the things she told me about me being insecure and lacking confidence and being controlling sometimes..but it is also feels so unfair because so much of what she did undermined the relationship and me...the constant break ups and her looking st guys in front of me all the time I mean sometimes the same guy 10 times at dinner...I mean Jesus...she even told me that would hurt her and then YES I WAS LOOKING FOR IT...she and should gaslight me all the time and yes I could be possessive and insecure and I admitted it but she never would talk about it with me in a way that seemed like she REALLY cared just stop my behavior but never really about stopping hers or understand what it did to me...she went on tinder which popped up next to as we were laying down together a few days in which we were going to a wedding in Ohio in which I was meeting her family for the first time...and then more break ups...and her breaking up with me when we had this fantastic weekend and I got mad about her treating me like a yo-yo again...and she gave me the silent treatment the whole day even though I apologized for maybe overreacting several times and she still didn’t care then broke up with me and immediately went on tinder and went on a date at least that is what she said that is all she did...and she called the police on me for returning towels that week...she might of had a guy in there I don’t even know anymore...YES I WAS WRECK...and she told me how sorry she was and then the cycle would start all over again...and then in the end I would be to blame for it all again...the only thing that scares me is I AM THR ONE WHO HAS SUCH INTENSE ABANDONMENT ISSUES SHE SEEMS TO HAVE abandonment then engulfment...the insecure abandonment never really seemed to be there as soon as she seemed to be really vulnerable and anxious it would switch to engulfment really fast...but that is what hurts...WAS THIS REALLY ME...did I lose her because of ME? there is so much to tell me I worry that I could of handled something different would that of made a difference?

[Shanel2515]

These lyrics are how I feel sometimes feel sometimes

Band Stabbing westward

Song: SHAME

I only see myself
Reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am
Essentially are lies
And everything I'd hoped to be
Or ever thought that I was
Died with your belief in me
So who the hell am I
I don't know if I am real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you
I'm wandering around confused
Wondering why I tried
The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies
I pray for someone to ache for me
The way I ache for you
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to
I don't know if I am real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you
I stare into this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me
Or cared if I'm alive
Once I swore I would die for you
But I never meant like this
I never meant like this
No I never meant like this
I don't know if I am real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you
How can I exist without you
How can I exist without you

[ColdKnight]

Are you saying if she was an normal healthy girl would your actions caused to her break up with you?

Maybe...I can’t say for sure...

But she doesn’t seem like a normal, healthy girl. Read back through your posts. Look at all the things you mentioned she did to you. Silent treatment: Normal, healthy people do not resort to the silent treatment. They talk things out. The silent treatment is abuse and it is all about control.

Normal people don’t tell you that you are the sexiest most handsome man and then stare at other men in front of you feeding your insecurities.

There are so many things in your posts that are behavioral red flags that a healthy person would not do to a stranger much less someone they profess to love.

Did you do everything right? Of course not. None of us here did.
You made mistakes. We all did. The difference is a rational person would communicate with you about those mistakes.

The bottom line is you could have done everything right and still have been wrong. These people have a hurricane of emotions going on all the time.

There is a member here who gf knows she has BPD and is getting therapy and she STILL exhibits the kind of behavior your GF is showing you.

In my opinion the silent treatment is a major red flag. I have done it myself and i am not proud of it. I knew exactly what I was doing when I would do it. There is NO excuse for it.

[Shanel2515]

I guess for me what is so hard is the attacks on me and  her also telling me I couldn’t but my needs aside...she never really asked me about my needs...never even asked me if I was ok in the moment if anything ever happened or I was angry about sometimes she did or how she hurt my feelings it almost always was because I was Deficient in some way or couldn’t hold myself or my needs...was this sometimes true YES...but again she never wanted to know or FEEL with me and it seemed if I brought up certain feelings in her it was done...and she would break up with me and give me the silent treatment I FEEL SO ALONE AND STILL LIKE I RUINED THIS...she has hurt me so much but again her attacks of me seem so logical and true...but she could always hit exactly where it would hurt...I remember she sometimes would say things like “what are you going to cry” in this cruel voice...I could never do this to someone...especially to someone who was so emotionally there for her... i mean  in talking to her last Thursday her telling me I was just lacking confidence and insecure and controlling and tried to control her…in this black and white absolute way…she said nothing of herself and how she hurt me or anything…what is weird is before she flipped out on me on that Monday she literally said how I must be upset and frustrated and I started telling how I was and then she immediately flipped  it around on me saying how much the Wednesday before pissed her off that I pushed to come over (because I wanted to see her and I wouldn’t for 4 days) and she said that night how wonderful the night was and how much she enjoyed it…we made love and we shared journal entries and felt close and she even said she wanted to start reading this book together…and on Monday she completely turned saying how I would never allow her to get sleep that I wouldn’t support her in her well being and sobriety and that I don’t really care about her and I put my needs aside…even though that Wednesday she said that wasn’t true especially when I was more living with her at times…..what is even more upsetting is gave her $100 the night before to help for the week and that Monday she brought in groceries with the money I gave her and I don’t care? And as she is kicking me out of her house basically Monday she turns on the oven to cook a frozen pizza I technically bought…but I am this selfish awful guy and not giving or loving…I always thought of her but every time I really need her or feel connected and it wasn’t convenient for her I was this selfish, immature, insecure clingy and needy person…I can be very insecure and sometimes needy first to admit it but she never cared how I felt and it was like she just wanted me to go away…

[Gemsforeyes]

She didn’t leave because of who you are, she left because of who and what SHE is.  As ColdKnight recommended, it would really help you to read what you’ve written about the dynamics of your relationship.

What DOES it say when you are supposed to do it ALL and your “partner” sees her role as only to criticize, demand and minimize you at every turn.  That, my dear friend, is NOT a relationship.

I’m sorry that you’re hurting.  Sometimes the pain is needed to see things for what they are...in order to try and understand what you’ve accepted.  These relationships often prompt US to look at ourselves and force us to do OUR work.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Shanel2515]

To have someone tell you even the last week of knowing them making love twice and how amazing making love is and holding each other is and how happy you make them and that how powerful our relationship is and have these deep talks and telling me how sorry she was how she had hurt me and wanted to hear about that (which we never got to) and even talk about future plans and then just walk away like I was nothing...and then being told I am to blame that I was this or that in this black and white way and not even mentioning anything about herself ...

[Shanel2515]

What is so hard is in so many ways the relationship was so wonderful at times even in the last week I knew her and so hellish….but I could always see both sides…that is why I thought there was hope….but What this whole experience has ripped open in me is how depressed and empty I feel in myself and that she saw it….and that is part of why she left…..I know she is depressed deep down and is s mess too…but I thought she saw our relationship as healing for both of us through our sharing and not just the wonderful but being able to feel the deep upset we both feel….that the wonderful beings up in people….but I also fear That everything that I see in myself I show to people at first is a Façade and then my true nature is seen and she saw  how empty I am...

[Shanel2515]

I just keep beating the hell out of myself...trying to make sense of this...

[ColdKnight]

The sooner you stop trying to make sense of this the better you
will be trust me. There is no sense to be made. She is firing on pure emotion.

I read about a certain aquarium fish that will eat  all of her babies when she becomes the least bit triggered. Even a tap on the aquarium glass will cause it. That makes no sense to me but it doesn’t matter. That’s just what they do. If you keep that type of fish in your aquarium that is just something you have to accept.

Something has triggered your girlfriend and she is reacting with an emotional response that we can’t understand. She is responding to how she is feeling and she is blaming you for making her feel that way. Stop trying to use logic and reason.

The only way, in my opinion, that this could have worked with her is if you had no needs or emotions of your own. If you didn’t you would not be a normal human and would have no reason to be in a relationship.

There is only room for one set of feelings in a BPD relationship and that is theirs and theirs alone. How dare you want to see them when they are not ready to see them and how dare you even ask.

You see when you ask to see them and they don’t want to they feel bad. 1000 times worse than we would. They hate feeling bad and rather than self sooth and process the feelings they project that onto you because you are the source.

How dare you not be ready, willing and available the moment they text you to come see them. This makes them feel bad. They again feel 1000 times worse than we would and you are the source so bring on the silent treatment...

AsI said earlier in the post. You are doing the same with her except in the opposite. Despite all of the pain she has caused you, you only want to remember the good.. Logically this makes no sense but you are not running on logic right now...you are running on high emotion.

[gadget]

Shanel,

I agree with ColdKnight.  I've only been going through this for 4 months now.  Logic no longer exists in my life towards my BPD wife.  I no longer ask how she is doing.  I no longer send the once a day nice guy texts like "I hope you had a good day".  I wait for her to text me first, then I keep the responses neutral and to the topic she is talking about.  Nothing about us.  It is usually about the kids.

Funny thing is.  The more I do that, the more chatty she is over texts when it is her initiating the texts on her terms.  Nothing else works because logic is no longer part of our daily life with our BPD partner.

And as ColdKnight said that they feel 1000 times worse.  That kinda is the whole reason my wife left.  My best friend identified it and so did my therapist.  I do so well handling and taking care of my special needs son over the last 25 years and my wife does not.  My therapist said how do you think she feels when she tries to stand next to you and you handle it all well and she cannot?  She is not at the same level.

Hang in there!

Gadget

[secretgirl]

My ubpdbf and I have been on and off now for 7 almost 8 months! We talk every day/all day except the times he gives/gave me the silent treatment.
I've noticed a LOT in myself along the journey of the hurt... and the biggest things that have seemed to work for me is setting boundaries.

My #1 boundary is : I will NOT be abused/have mean things hurled at me & if this continues, I will leave the r/s until he seeks therapy.
I was having to accept the risk he may NEVER come back... BUT with bpd's, as soon as they sense you're willing to LEAVE because you have a backbone, they get SCARED. So as someone said before on one of these threads (I think), it's better to ignite their abandonment fears than engulfment fears (as mean as that SEEMS).

I've also noticed this works for me VERY well when my bf and I are in a fight,... he's an aggressive raging explosive bpd so when he starts having a fit and hurls comments at me etc, it's seemd to work for me to say the words: "I'm not leaving you... but I'm FEELING very attacked and confused right now... when you say hurtful things and yell , I feel as though I can't concentrate so I must step away for a moment... feel free to call me when you're FEELING calmer."

That has actually seemed to help our fights. Then again, my ubpdbf is now seeking therapy so maybe that's also helping?

I have also managed to OPEN UP to him about my OWN fears. and show my own weaknesses at TIMES when he's painting me WHITE. This has ALSO helped me. When he's painting me black, I DONT want to seem weak/without boundaries. When he's painting me WHITE, I WANT to show vulnerability to help him RELATE because deepdown, BPD's are also codependents (as I am) and they DO have empathy and want to HELP and FIX.

So I think, as I am on my journey, you must learn on your journey to analyze yourself. Why is she calling you weak and lacking confidence?
From a book I read yesterday by a psychologist called "Better BPD relationships", it talks about having to build a 10 inch thick skin because most of us who deal with BPDs are often codependents or BPD's ourselves I've noticed. My T has diagnosd me as a HIGHLY codep. person so we are now working on raising my confidence, meanwhile not losing my vulnerability (our greatest strength) but controlling OUR highly empathic natures and our abilities to remain level headed.

From a BPD's POV, they often feel they aren't being HEARD. My ubpdbf seems to say this A LOT during our fights, therefore he gets MAD.
When they get into rage mode, they want you to LISTEN. He told me this himself... and I've noticed WHY our bpd/codep. relationship ISNT working.
It's because :
The Codependent relies on the BPD for THEIR OWN happiness/has built an unhealthy enmeshment and CRAVES consistency from their partner.
The BPD ISNT consistent and therefore the codep. becomes annoyed/feels unappreciated in their efforts to "help/fix" which then causes the BPD to LASH OUT because they feel like they aren't "good enough."

These are the specific cycles my ubpdbf and I ALWAYS have. It helps to analyze OURSELVES and we analyze them also.
What are WE doing wrong in our reponses to them? Mine was becoming defensive... and down on myself when he's raging. When in fact, the BPD NEEDS the same as us CODEP's need during a rage episode/sadness episode... and that is unconditional SUPPORT.

I've found the biggest thing is to show you're not leaving while being able to LISTEN and maintain your OWN boundaries.
MY TRIGGER I've noticed as a codep. is when I get sad I want to be HELD.
My BPD bf didn't understand this before , he just got MAD , assumed it was HIM and HIS fault, and then started ranting off how I'm selfish etc. when in reality I just needed to TELL him what I needed in that moment. and Most of the time what us Codep's need in a "moment" is the same as a bpd "needs" it's to be either held, listened to, or supported.
To be able to DO that, you must be very self aware.

Your gf it seems needs to go see a T for herself. Maybe as you build your OWN strength in this, and learn your own weaknesses, you can use that as a boundary if you two were to work together.
I'm REALLY sorry you're heartbroken... it sucks... but we must see it as an opportunity to look at ourselves and grow as well. Why are we attracted these types of people? Why do we let them treat us the way they do? Where do we draw the line? These are all personal opinions/subjective decisions to be made once we are able to be in a space of self-awareness.
I'm SO grateful for the people in this chat room... it has helped me START to realize my OWN journey in this r/s or outside of it.

[Shanel2515]

I know there is no is hope for me and her...she has split me black and has blamed me for the whole thing...saying how I was this and that only...nothing about me being the only man she has ever been in love with and never been closer to anyone...or been there and loved her in ways no one ever has...nothing about make love to me twice the week before and talking about the future and all the deep things that were shared with each other that week...her telling me how powerful our relationship was and how happy I make her...and then telling me how much she wanted to know how hurt I was about how she has treated me and how she doesn’t want to hurt me like that anymore...that was all less than a week before she left with a 3 sentence text...and never spoke to me until I called her and she said how I was just insecure and lacking confidence and controlling...which wasn’t even talked about as concerns in that last week...nothing about herself...nothing about how she has hurt me...or sorry about anything...just went off on me and saying it is over and that she doesn’t want me to contact her anymore...I don’t know anything anymore...:I know  she has no empathy ..and is with someone else...she is in therapy and I think her therapist enables her...but i don’t know...I don’t know anything anymore...I know I am insecure but she never cared about how she could make me feel more safe loved...I don’t know I have never met someone who was so inconsistent where her words didn’t match her actions and could be so incredibly cruel...it is hard to even tell you all what it was like...I just tried to bring more of who I was to the relationship flaws and all and she said she wanted to know me and everything I showed her she just used as ammunition or evidence that I was unsuitable for her and her daughter...sometimes the next day...and if I needed her in a way she didn’t want to be there or it was bad timing for her...she usually broke up with me saying how immature I was and needy...I even saw her lack of empathy with her daughter, it was subtle but it was there...she just could not go certain places emotionally...I became her enemy because I touched her in certain places it seemed and then she had to get rid of me...her sobriety became in question “because” of me and the relationship...of course it has nothing to do with her and her feelings...I just caused this and the relationship wasn’t “right”...I was to blame...for everything and then I was told i can’t put my needs aside and don’t take accountability for anything...that is all I did was push my needs aside and the only thing I had was being with her which half the time felt like she didn’t even want...and then would seem to use me for sex and validation...or whatever else...I don’t know anything anymore...all I know is I have never been so confused or hurt by someone...she told me she wanted to marry me...she told her daughter that we were going to get married...a month before she walked away we were in her sisters kitchen in Cleveland and her sister asked her if she was going to move and she looked at me and said we were going to move...meaning all of us together...her daughter me and her...the last day I saw here we were talking about her promotion and her car and moving...and then I talked about how she knows I am hurt and frustrated by how she has hurt me and I start talking about it and then she turned it around and that was it...all over last time I saw her...

[Shanel2515]

All the future plans, the promise ring she wanted and have to her the hundreds of times of making love...the thousands of hour talking...all the things she told me about how much she loved me and wanted me and what we have could never have with anyone else...all gone and now I am just seen as a selfish, jealous, insecure, unconfident and controlling jerk...who never cared about her and I mean nothing and she is gone forever...couldn’t even say goodbye in a way in which was caring or giving or even cared if I lived or died.

[once removed]

but What this whole experience has ripped open in me is how depressed and empty I feel in myself and that she saw it….and that is part of why she left…..I know she is depressed deep down and is s mess too…but I thought she saw our relationship as healing for both of us through our sharing and not just the wonderful but being able to feel the deep upset we both feel

this is the crux of why so many of us suffer to such great lengths in our relationships and their aftermath.

because the idealization seemed to confirm the best things about ourselves, and that someone could see them and love them. and to be broken up with in a cruel manner seems to be a rejection of those very same things, of who we are at our core.

the truth is really closer to the middle.

i know that thats of little comfort now. but it will help. a great deal of your suffering is less about her, but about a very complicated, complex, and intense bond.

the challenge before you right now is to find your emotional center, and to rebuild your self esteem even stronger than before. it may feel impossible. i can assure you that you can get there. crying, letting it all out, is okay too. when i was going through it, i had daily crying jags and anxiety attacks that would last for hours on end.

can you tell us more about what is going on in therapy? have you considered a meds evaluation for depression or anxiety? i know how challenging this is, and it can all really stack up and take a toll...it can be hard to find steady ground.

[Shanel2515]

I was so naive and so stupid to believe her saying she was sorry or loved me even in that week and saying she wanted to see me on that last day...I should of left a year ago last August when I was laying with her on her bed and Tinder popped up on here phone as I glanced over...3 days before we we were going to Ohio for a wedding and meeting her parents...but she begged me not to go...there are so many things...GOD SO MANY...she once told me she was trying to break up with me for months a month after she asked for a promise ring and telling me she wanted me to move in sooner than she thought...and she said that again last week in our final conversation...not sure why she told her sister what she said about moving in with me together and going on vacation together in South Carolina and OMG...I am a fool..

[Shanel2515]

I started with a new therapist as the last one sort of enabled the relationship...not that I didn’t play a part in that I really wanted to build a life with her and I did want to spend the rest of my life with her...but my new therapist is trying to focus on the little boy in me that as been broken for so long and been so ashamed of needing connection so deeply...and that I am anxious when that connection is broken...especially with no understanding and I have tried to give up my needs for others but it bleeds through and it can be difficult but...again she didn’t care about my needs...she only loved me when things were perfect otherwise I am a problem..maybe she even sees me as narcissist...but I never just blamed her...she could attack me so completely and in an absolute black and white way...it would hurt so bad and would be so shocking and feel so betraying...I didn’t listen the way I wished I could be it was also in a way that I don’t think I was really a part of it felt like it was an assault...regarding medication I am diagnosed bipolar II and I am on depakote and I don’t really have anxiety any more just shock and torment and confusion and at times incredible sadness and despair...I loved her so much and I would of stuck by her if she could just stick around...now I wonder about if she cheated on me during these little break ups...sometimes weeks long...she broke up with me like 10 times...in a year and treat me like I was nothing or didn’t exist even sometimes would break up if the day before we “were very in love” talking deeply and making love...she told me she could turn her feelings on and off...she told me who she was very early on...I didn’t believe she would do it to me...even though she said she had hurt so many...she always said she couldn’t stay away from me and I was the only one she ever let back in and we were different I was an idiot to believe her...and now I am nothing to her.

[Shanel2515]

I didn’t realize how much I gave up in me to be with you...i relied on this relationship for all my self esteem and when it started really going bad all I did was try to hold on to it which took every bit on energy and strength I had...yes I have so much to work and I have been broken in places I have not wanted to look at for a long time...she is not responsible for my self esteem and self worth issues...as my dad says who is a brilliant psychotherapist which has probably saved my life ...when I say if I was different or more confident or had more self worth I could be with her or she would still want me...he would say if you have more self worth or self confidence you would of never looked at her twice and would of ran from her...the truth is the first day I met her I say her paranoid psychotic look...and I ignored it...there was so much I ignored but I thought I found someone who really valued relationship and deeply talking and relationship and healing through relationship...she talked such a good game...because of her recovery and reading I mean who reads Brene Brown empathy books and can turn around and give someone they say they love the silent treatment like 50 times...and not realize how hurtful they are...I have never met such a walking contradiction...and me being controlling? I had no control in the relationship...none...at the end I think she saw that she was losing me in a way and she expressed a lot of concern for how I wasn’t spending the night anymore...in couples therapy was saying that I had never treated her like that before that the night before she begged me not to talk to my dad and come straight to her and “I had to figure out if I could tolerate her” and how difficult she was to love which I never said...more projections...she never owned her own feelings it was because of someone else gave them to me to feel and hold...but I couldn’t hold my own? I had to hold hers and mine and she wasn’t interested in feeling mine let alone hers...when I got there ...we made love and she told me she adored me and I was crying and saying how much she hurt me when she could just turn away...and it felt good but in therapy I was angry and I brought into the room for the first time what really happens in the relationship where she just would leave and she didn’t want to see me and talk to me and that night she bought alcohol which she ended up pouring down the sink but of course this was because of the relationship and she was overwhelmed because of me and the relationship...nothing of her feeling and what was being brought up in her...that was an opportunity to feel together and maybe go to the next level of relating but I knew she would just break up with me and that is what she did...she told me I wore her out and that we sucked up too much energy of course this wasn’t a part of her...I wasn’t a part of her...I was responsible...instead of including me...I was alcohol...and the enemy...one of my therapist said she is a dry drunk and hasn’t dealt with WHY she drank in the first place and who ever she feels close to will bring up those places in her and I loved her and I would of no matter what...I still do, I wish I could hate her...I would still be there for her even if she is with someone else but she wants nothing to do with me..she see me as .I am the enemy...the cause of these feelings and hurt and pain

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[secretgirl]

I started with a new therapist as the last one sort of enabled the relationship...not that I didn’t play a part in that I really wanted to build a life with her and I did want to spend the rest of my life with her...but my new therapist is trying to focus on the little boy in me that as been broken for so long and been so ashamed of needing connection so deeply...and that I am anxious when that connection is broken...especially with no understanding and I have tried to give up my needs for others but it bleeds through and it can be difficult but...again she didn’t care about my needs...she only loved me when things were perfect otherwise I am a problem..maybe she even sees me as narcissist...but I never just blamed her...she could attack me so completely and in an absolute black and white way...it would hurt so bad and would be so shocking and feel so betraying...I didn’t listen the way I wished I could be it was also in a way that I don’t think I was really a part of it felt like it was an assault...regarding medication I am diagnosed bipolar II and I am on depakote and I don’t really have anxiety any more just shock and torment and confusion and at times incredible sadness and despair...I loved her so much and I would of stuck by her if she could just stick around...now I wonder about if she cheated on me during these little break ups...sometimes weeks long...she broke up with me like 10 times...in a year and treat me like I was nothing or didn’t exist even sometimes would break up if the day before we “were very in love” talking deeply and making love...she told me she could turn her feelings on and off...she told me who she was very early on...I didn’t believe she would do it to me...even though she said she had hurt so many...she always said she couldn’t stay away from me and I was the only one she ever let back in and we were different I was an idiot to believe her...and now I am nothing to her.

Hi SHanel, I'm glad you're trying to see it from another perspective and realizing that you yourself need to do some self-work. GOOD FOR YOU!
I know it hurts. Trust me I've felt this pain too as a codependent before... it's the worst thing ever because it's like "why don't you just let me love you? why don't you appreciate every good thing I've done for you?"

And that's where the problem lies... the inconsistency of the BPD will never fulfill our happiness/role as a codependent. If anything, we are better off dating narc's and usually I DO which is the odd thing in my r/s now. Like I don't know how I ended up with someone with BPD because usually I end up with NARCS because NArcissists ENJOY someone consistently loving them/praising them/giving up their life for them (as us codep.'s do). In a way, I'd rather a BPD than a NARC because at least I know the BPD person DOES actually love me during the moments they paint me white. and they do have empathy. Man oh man, have I dealt with some seriously abusive narc's where I felt lik I was suffocating and the only way to get out of it was by getting a restraining order. I'm still a somewhat weak codep. but I've gained a LOT of strength since those narc relationships.

Which is why I almost see my BPD bf as a GOOD THING. It makes me FOCUS on myself and my own PLEASE READ. Like why DO I rely on others for my happiness? Why can't I just be happy on my own? Why aren't I proud of who I am?
If you KNEW in your heart you did all the right things for your bpdgf, then you SHOULD know that it's all HER and not YOU.

You should be confident Shanel that everything you've given her is ALL you can give (no less no more) and that it STILL isn't enough for her and it will never be until she heals herself...

I always take the times away from our loved bpd's as a time to focus on ourselves. ALLOW them to ignore you. Like I've stated before, once she realizes you're ignoring her and that you're no longer "lacking confidence" in her eyes because you're doing your own thing, she will come back to you.
And if she doesn't , GOOD RIDDANCE. But I MOST LIKELY guarantee she will come back. Because lots of BPD's and NARC's do... they need their narcissistic supply. and when her new bf is not what he seems or can't match up to how much YOUVE given her (because she will compare him trust me), then she will run back, and this will be the time you make YOUR choice. Either you're strong enough/more self aware to be able to "handle her" through the bad stuff or you decide you're not strong enough yet and cut her off.

I guarantee the more you cut her off, the more she will want you for a bit until she paints you black again and despises you for not giving her the attention she feels she "deserves." I know it's hard for me to say don't be sad, even emotionally healthy people feel SAD when they're used, hurt, and dumped for someone else. It's NORMAL to feel sad. It sucks, it feels like PLEASE READ, it feels like your heart has been stomped on, it feels like you've been betrayed, etc. Just vent to us but know you're on the right path. I came on here because I just needed to vent when my PLEASE READ is going south. I just need people to listen, and give their points of views and it helps me a lot. Sometimes it helps me see where I'm going wrong because another set of eyes/ears/thoughts can view your conversation objectively  and give you their feedback.

Every time my ubpdbf dumps me or yells and calls me names I decide to tell him to leave if he actually thinks those things of me. I say "if you actually believe the horrible things you say about me then why are you with me? the door is OPEN. go. No one is forcing you to be here." And then he sometimes leaves and sometimes doesn't. They're SO emotionally unstable it's almost like they need an emotionally stable person to be with them ... and being a codepednet you are CONSISTENT for them. but NOT strong enough. that's why she says those comments to you: "you lack confidence" etc.
Although now I realize me saying those words is almost a defense too, I keep those thoughts to myself. Instead I use words like "I FEEL when you yell at me, my thoughts get CONFUSED. and yelling triggers my OWN emotional abuse as a child. I cannot respond to you until we are both feeling calm. I'm not leaving you but I need to step away for a second." Then my bf tends to calm down.

Your gf doesn't want someone weak. She almost wants someone to put her in her place when she's misbehaving. But don't take "put her in her place" as an abusive negative thing. It's more so like showing you have boundaries and morals that you also will stick to, and one of them is not tolerating their abuse. 

[Shanel2515]

I am being painfully honest...:But that is the thing...I don’t know...if I did everything right...I know I didn’t...but with the kind of treatment I got I don’t know how I could...I feel so confused about myself now...she seemed to get very vulnerable Beverly briefly and quickly switch to engulfment...just when it felt like we would have a chance of start getting more solid and she could start talking about her fear...then I would get scared in a way of “ok, but what about the pattern” how could I trust someone...who would do this to me all the time...I just felt like the connection was not even important to her we would be  enmeshed and then she would  just push me away and I could feel her going away and I would engage her there or she would do something so inconsiderate or unfeeling that was like “omg” ...I know I got incredibly anxious sometimes but she could just completely abandon me and the relationship so easily...even after being so close in a way I have never knew existed...and I even did some stalking type behavior which i NEVER have done before (I am 47  and been in a few serious relationships) I am so ashamed of that and yes she caught me once...in last February...because I felt so bewildered by the silent treatment and her ability to just to just turn her feelings off...it made me crazy...that someone could not even consider someone else’s feelings...I mean like I wasn’t even a thought in her head...like she was just saying “go away” I mean some of the times I could tell you in detail where it was like “what the hell”

[Shanel2515]

I do not appreciate being called weak...that is not fair...I am sensitive and caring and yes lack boundaries...but there was no winner with her...if I fought for myself I was still wrong, then I was selfish or she could walk away even easier...I don’t know...it is like her constantly looking at other guys in front of me as if that wasn’t hurtful...I talked about how it hurt and how part of it was just me...but she would turn it around that it was my insecurity even after she would previously say she understood and that it would hurt her and she does it because of her insecurities and then would I get upset when she did it...the rules changed...the rules always changed with her and when she wanted me to move in...no matter what it was if I did that I should have done this...if have no idea what she wanted except to not give or want or need anything she didn’t want to give when she wanted to give it and if I pushed or said I need her or wanted to see her I was immature and wrong or worse...sometimes I think I am dealing with a narcissist or maybe I am a narcissist...I have never been so confused in my life...I know I am not perfect...the furthest thing from it but I know I loved her and I wanted to know her deeply and I know through it all I would of stuck by her if she would of in the moment of conflict stop kicking me out of her house and the silent treatments and not painted me as this awful person in these black and white ways...I wonderful or evil to her and no in between...I loved her even when I hated her...I knew I still wanted to feel her when it was crazy but she just went away...and yes I am sorry I felt like I was falling apart when she did that and yes that is me...ugh...

[Shanel2515]

I want to make this clear i felt if I stood up for myself in how I was being treated or want I wanted or needed... she would say I was being defensive and not being accountable or I push and if I said this is how you make me feel...she would say “we aren’t talking about me, we are talking about you”...it would be turned into a person character attack usually in some universal black and white way...we never talked about how I felt it wasn’t a consideration except later in a far off way like it will be talked about in the future...in the moment of conflict she was gone...she is gone...so characterizing me as lacking confidence and controlling shows this conundrum...I was either a wimp or a tyrant to her...I I don’t know this is making me feel even worse in someways... like if I just handled things better she would still be her and I wouldn’t of lost her...

[Shanel2515]

Be Here

[once removed]

members are trying to help, Shanel. support is not always easy, and it can challenge us emotionally.

like 80% of the members who come here, youre showing some of the ten signs of twisted thinking associated with depression, you can read more about them here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0

can you see this?

this is not a judgment. i came here nearly nine years ago an emotional basket case. members helped me untangle, and ultimately, i found steady ground.

heres the thing. if she came back tomorrow, it would be a disaster and blow up quickly. youre in turmoil and crisis right now (understandably).

if she were to come back, youd want to be back to the upbeat, confident guy she fell for in the first place.

you would need to be able to stand strong in the face of her treatment, depersonalize it, and not be wounded by it. its a tall order.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

none of this is a guarantee for making the relationship "work". it takes just as much strength to say "this isnt for me". but losing yourself is no way to navigate a relationship.

so lick your wounds with our help. think it through (you dont have to decide now).

what do you think?

[Shanel2515]

I don’t want this to come out badly or that I don’t appreciate you all being here...I do...and I have a lot of work to do on myself of how I even ended up with this person...I am so confused...everything I have read on here says that they can not genuinely love or really feel themselves that almost everything is a projection...and what I am getting upset by is there is an implication that if I was stronger and did this or that she wouldn’t be who she is...my feelings did not matter to her and I had to give up mine to keep the imaginary connection...she had no interest in how I felt or what I needed...I thought she was capable of more as a person...I am in turmoil now not just because of the relationship ending but how she forgot me and moved on to some else so quickly and her complete person attacks on me...that I am the problem solely...I am not saying you guys aren’t trying to help...I appreciate it...but how can you be in a loving relationship where you are blamed for everything...and how do you stay in a relationship in which someone just keeps leaving...she is gone for good...what I take offense to is saying that if I was “stronger” then the relationship might work...that if I could of been different then she would be different...i feel like I tried everything to hear here and she even told me she never felt so loved and then she would get engulfed in sometimes a 3 day period or overnight when I needed her...and  some of the members are saying contradictory things...most say their is nothing you can do...that there is only room for one person feelings and one persons needs...how can someone be confident in s situation like that and if you were confident WHY WOULF YOU WANT THIS? how can you be confident when you have an amazing weekend with someone and they yo-yo with no thought or consideration and hurt your feelings and you even apologize for possibly overreacting in anyway then then give you the silent treatment all day and then they break up with you and go on tinder the next day after this amazing weekend...how are you suppose to be confident with someone like that? Someone who checks out other people in front of you constantly in front of you and then gaslights you about it and then says you are insecure even she admitted she does it because she is...but it’s suppose to hurt me...and who can turn her feeling on and off...and just leave for day or weeks...who can make love to you and tell you all this stuff and say they are in love with you and then flip out on you and leave...over and over again...and then permanently...HOW WOULD ONE EVER BE CONFIDENT IN THAT RELATIONSHIP...but some of you are saying if I was stronger and had better boundaries she wouldn’t do what she does...she has l  I feel like some of what I am expressing is coming out wrong...yes I have so much work on...so much...but how do you have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to understand and feel each other? I did plenty wrong but how do you have a relationship with someone who just blames the other solely and completely and in an absolute way? And then just leaves?

[Shanel2515]

I am sorry for missing words etc...at work...I hope it makes sense

[Shanel2515]

And I am starting to think she “cheated” on me all the time when we had our “break ups” and this is the woman who said she couldn’t trust me...I never even looked at another woman...I didn’t want anyone else...and every time I thought we were moving forward towards living together and making solid plans something would happen were I would turn into this evil person to her...

[once removed]

Shanel,

do you want to vent your feelings and be validated/heard, or do you want to concentrate on reversing a breakup?

both are valid. they are two very different kinds of support.

[Shanel2515]

I feel like a lot of confusion is going on...No I don’t want to reverse the break up...she is not capable of a relationship...it almost killed me literally...she doesn’t care about me and never did...despite all things she said in the last year...all the plans and intimate moments, telling you how no one has ever made them feel more loved and no one has ever been there for them more...and be able to turn their back on you as you don’t exist...how can you be in a relationship with someone the closer you get to them and become more a part of them the more then want to get away from you or hate you... yes I wanted her to be capable of feeling and being a person that could feel empathy and want to work through relationship problems and not split...i am confused...I am saying exactly how I can’t be in the relationship...because there was no other person to feel in the relationship...yes I am heartbroken over that...I feel upset because of her absolute attacks on me in the end that it is JUST ME...that I am this awful person...despite all the things she told me that are the opposite...that she played no part...and I am upset at some on this board saying if I was I was different It might have worked...that somehow if I was different she would have A SELF...or not be cruel or split or ...there is a part of me that is afraid she was absolutely right about me and because of my self doubt lack of self worth and the brainwashing that kept me in this relationship in the first place...another way that feels like her attacks and ways of splitting which made it impossible to have any kind of relationship...it wasn’t like she split me and then came back to me and apologized (she rarely apologized for anything) or was embarrassed...or was like omg Shane I am so sorry for hurting you...I had to beg her back and it was sort of talked about again in some sort of far away way...that there would be more understanding and connection but that never happened it was spliced as if it never happened and then something else would happen or if I did bring it up again she would be like we already talked about this...I need to be validated in short that this was indeed impossible and I tried everything to make it work...I didn’t leave her she left AGAIN...this time permanently under another black white irrational reason in which she took no responsibility for the dynamic at play...that is not a relationship...it is abuse...the constant break ups were abusive, the silent treatment was abusive...I was not perfect but I know what I did was in reaction to extreme stress and crazy making behavior and I loved her I love her still...but no I don’t want her back I would not survive...but yes I am still heartbroken because the woman I fell in with never existed...

[Shanel2515]

I miss the life I thought I was going to have with her...I miss her daughter...I miss her daughters friends...I miss the laughs and the private jokes...I miss the person who told me she never felt so loved and cared for or known..the person who said “I can tell you anything” that told me she didn’t ever feel alone with...yes i miss the woman who told me she wanted to marry me...I miss her smile her laugh...her body...the way sounded when she came...I miss us making love, holding each which she said was the sex and holding each other was unlike anything she had ever know...that I played her like an instrument...the woman who told me I was the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever been with...and had never been so close to anyone in her life except for a couple of friends in college...but in never in a romantic relationship and she loved me for my sensitivity and affection and passion...that she said we could never find what we have with anyone else and the sex alone people would marry for...but now all I am is jealous, possessive, insecure, lacking confidence, controlling and I tried to control her life...so and now I mean nothing to her and she moved on to someone else so yes I am pretty broken up about that and I don’t know what to believe anymore...about anyone or anything even myself.

[Shanel2515]

And to answer your question she does not come back to people ...I begged her back for her to make herself vulnerable like that would mean she would have to feel feelings that would make her afraid she would be annihilated...the feelings I am feeling...that we feel...she can’t and if she could feel them...then this wouldn’t be happening in the first place...

[once removed]

No I don’t want to reverse the break up

okay.

Bettering/Reversing is a high level, advanced board for learning relationship skills and examining our role in relationship conflict.

i would encourage you to start a new thread on the Detaching board. members there are going through what you are and are working the stages of grief.

if you change your mind, or if you hear from her, you can (should) return to this board.

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been continued in another thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339605.msg13077351#msg13077351