Hey lucidone, right, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet drive others away hard. They want love, yet behave in unloving fashion. They seek peace, yet foster turmoil. I could continue, but you get the point. It's what I like to call the "paradox of BPD": Their actions bring about the exact opposite outcome from what they seek.
LuckyJim
I can 100% agree with this... it's like their biggest fear becomes a reality because they MAKE it a reality overtime, unfortunately. It sucks... I still am stuck in the in between with my ubpdexbf. Not sure if he will ever come back, or what I'd decide if he did so I can't help much right now... all I can relate to is with how you're
feeling .
It sucks, it's heart-wrenching, I feel guilt, shame, helplessness, disappointment in myself, also anger and frustration because of their never ending high expectations of you yet they portray the opposite in themselves. The hypocrisy is unnerving, the subtleties annoying, yet the light they have in the "good times" brings us so much joy it's overwhelming. This overwhelming happiness we get I'm assuming is how they constantly feel about EVERYTHING. But I do miss my bf a lot... we connected in so many ways. The good times were , well, very good. It's what I hang onto, like you, my friend.
I have sympathy and empathy to a whole other degree but I'm stuck because I also suffer with anxiety and depression as you do and I want to grow and love myself and my ubpdexbf is almost hindering that process for me.
SO it's something to think about... takes a long time I think for us to actually decide what we want to do, as it does for them. We are so similar and dissimilar to them in many ways. I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now.. but it's good. Feeling everything is part of the process , I think. At least it helps me let things out, as opposed to hold them in. Hang in there!
Deciding and getting over it takes a while... I still suffer losing my parents and it happened just over a year and a half ago. First four months I cried every single day.. even outside in day to day places like the grocery store. I was embarrassed but I had SO many random people come hug me. It was so nice to see the good in humanity. A break-up isn't dissimilar I think to losing someone you love. You cry, you're angry, feel guilt, etc. It's the same as losing someone... when my parents died, I regretted every bad thing I ever said to them but then realized they know I loved them. SO i learned to forgive myself. If it makes you feel any better, I can empathize with your pain. But it's good you're writing on here and letting it out instead of letting it fester inside.
